Symposium of Genius

Fail Edition

2010-04-22T07:35:00.004+08:00

THREESOME FAIL!

CHEERS FAIL!

FACE BOOK FAIL!

SHITTING BRICKS FAIL!

6 PACK FAIL!

MELONS FAIL!

SNIFFING COKE FAIL!

TANNING FAIL!

CLEANER AUNTIE FAIL!

Liverpool vs Singapore

2009-07-30T13:17:00.004+08:00

Liverpool vs Singapore. It was a good game of football I must admit. We watched it while our 2nd round of MJ started on a grainy CH 5 feed because the antenna must have been fried by El Nino lightning tendencies. Add to that, that I actually bought 5 goals at the Pools on a whim and made some dough.

But was it really a success for Singapore as a whole? True, that big ass teams [namely English clubs] like to tour Asia to cement their fan base. A fan base which buys jerseys, memorabilia and contributes viewership to the soccer channels so that Starhub has an excuse to raise the subscription for them.

There was a sizable crowd indeed. 45,000 was it? 45,000 of my countrymen turned up to see Liverpool's 11 square off with homegrown talent [some store bought from other countries of course. we call these blokes OTS (off the shelf)]. There were supporters of other English clubs there too. In the grandstand, there was a clear mix of Tottenham Hotspurs, Everton [arch nemesis across the Merseyside] and Manchester United jersey clad people littering the predominantly Liverpool oriented crowds.

Now step back. Who are Liverpool? They are a club. Just like Geylang United, Balestier Khalsa and SAFFC. Who is the Singapore national team? They are a bunch of naturalized Singaporeans who are donning our nation's colours attempting to garner some kinda pride amidst all the prejudice. Classic David vs Goliath. But miracles happen in the most unlikely of places. It wasn't our team's night anyhow.

You love your club. Understandable. Very understandable. But isn't it embarassing when you can put club before country? I am a Chelsea man. I've been since I was young and not only since the infusion of some tasty Russian caviar and ice cold vodka plus cold hard cash. Yet, if Chelsea FC were to come to Singapore for a pre-season exhibition game. I will not throng the banks of Boat Quay attempting to steal a glimpse. I will not go to the airport to welcome the blokes to our fair shores. I will not stalk their hotel attempting to steal even a piece of soiled undies for a collection. What I will do is attend the game. Because it is a rare event and that is my only consideration.

And if Chelsea were to thrash Singapore. It would be nothing more to me than a clash of 2 sporting teams with the better one garnering the better score line. Let me take you back to 2001. Manchester United visits Singapore and hands us a 8-1 clubbing. I was a fan of good football that night. But my proudest moment was still when Indra Sahdan sidestepped Jap Staam, and drilled the size 5 through the legs of a complacent Rai Van der Gouw. Talking about pulling on heartstrings, this was more than that. This is the stuff that nationalistic pride is made off.

Back to the present. If any of the Singapore team were to switch a move, talentedly wrongfoot or nutmeg a Chelsea player, I'd be one of the first outa my seat screaming "YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Take that EPL!". Because it is Singapore. Nuff said.

So, this is my suggestion for etiquette when all other teams big and small visit the little red dot for a footy match:

1. Wear the jersey of the club you support [this I think is universal], but don't forget who your club is attempting to embarass. IT's your fuckin countrymen.

2. If you are at the game and you are not a supporter of the EPL club, don't wear a jersey of some other EPL club. What are you trying to prove? Turn up in red. Or better still, go hunt down some Malaysia Cup/League vintage Lions jersey and turn up. Cheer your country on, because it is the logical choice between the 2 teams.

3. To all those fools who verbally abused, booed, jeered at and violently attacked people who were wearing a Manchester United jersey on that night, go fuck yourselves. You are hammering your own countrymen over some misplaced life and death allegiance to an English football club who couldn't care less actually who dies for their cause; as long their jerseys get sold in bulk volume.

The moral of the story: Stick up your hands for your country. Those with no pride are no better than carcasses out on the desert plain, doncha think?

Booyakasha!

And then there were some

2009-07-30T12:32:00.004+08:00

And then there were some, who still in their little isolated sphere fail to realize the true intent and extent of this man-created invention called the Internet. At first it was just 4 computers on a local network and then now it has pervaded through even the remotest mangrove swamp in West Africa.

Cutting to the chase. Why join a social networking site? Do we really need to break it down into the social, economic and political aspects of it all, a la a GP essay technique long forgotten [when you quit school, anything to do with academics is quickly forgotten]. You want to be seen. You want to see. Then why get touchy on the privacy? Aren't there settings for these sorta stuff already? Have you not been reading the papers, or is this some sort of dumb arse "i am bigger than the world" delusion?

Basically, in my humble opinion [and I am not a proponent of humble pie either], the moment you even have/feign interest at a social networking site, the moment you start uploading photos, photoshopping your profile pictures to satisfy the inbuilt desire to be want to be attractive, the moment you are active; EXPECT the fuckin attention to be accorded. And if this logic still doesn't hit you like a dick slap, I bring you further into the immature networking zone.

In Friendster, there were "smiles" and then during the Valentine's period they experimented with "roses" and then fell back to smiling again. In FB, obviously, you poke the hell outa someone to get their attention. And so on and so forth. Every social networking site reserves a function for either the shy ones who can't work up the courage or intellect to pen out some crafty witty little 3 liner to bait the fish, or for those who couldn't be bothered with trying too hard [me].

How easy it is to just "poke" and move along? The work only starts when the "poked" start responding. Then the "poker" becomes the "poked" and we can all hum Gaga's Poker Face till kingdom come. And yet, maturity challenged individuals when faced with a passive gesture like a "poke" will still go out on all investigative mode. Perhaps following these steps [I wouldn't know, I don't do it]:

1. Look at photo of "poker" [proceed if not hairy backed balding Godzilla]

2. See who mutual friends are [proceed if mutual friends are fairly still friendly OR mutual]

3. Ask mutual friends who the fuck this person is [proceed due to innate desire to conquer the unknown]

4. Curl up further into the womb thinking no one should have a god given right to poke anyone they choose because you should only attempt to contact someone you actually know in a social networking site, thus making creators of social networking sites roll in their Armani bedspreads thinking how some have got it so wrong.

And then there were some........

Swift

2009-07-20T21:15:00.004+08:00

I felt this need to write because well it dawned on me that no one actually needs a reason to write. We scribble to-do lists onto small scraps on paper, we doodle in classes where the teacher is clueless that we're doodling [cos a teacher who actually has a clue would be curve balling his duster in the old days towards our young young brains] and we just write whenever we feel like it.

There is no reason for the written word. There is no overwhelming guilt trip on needing to prove you're a wordsmith day in day out. The exception being when you're actually paid for writing what you write.

I need to write. To save my soul, I feel. I've begun on an ambitious endeavour. Just like numerous males, females, celebrities and paupers before me. I think someone needs to hear a story. Any story, as long as I am the one telling it.

Today is an ominous day. I am finally back where I was before. The tundra where I was wandering has met it's Palin. So, I need to kill some moose. I know you don't get it. You never should. Lest I be regarded as a lesser being for giving you even a miniscule percentage of hope that you are finally there; knowing who I am.

Like the greatest white rapper of black themes who is still living [as opposed to ever lived]: I am whatever I say I am.

Haiku time:

How swift,
My sword.

Biblical Ganja

2009-07-14T15:30:00.004+08:00

Genesis 1:11 "And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so."
Genesis 1:29 "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb-bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat."
Genesis 3:18 "... thou shalt eat the herb of the field."
Proverbs 15:17 "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith."[2]
Psalms 104:14 "He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man."

And hence, all of us should be able to legally smoke the ganja. As legal as it is to read the Bible.

Booyakasha.

My Brown Badge dot com

2009-07-07T08:00:00.003+08:00

Only a truly zany mind and loads of photoshop skills (i wish i had 'em) can come up with this new development. Reminiscing about Fight Club the whole of this week, it seems too coincidental to be true. A fanbase for the true Project Mayhem.

Follow the SITE for more updates. Or pre-order now. As usual, join the FB group and get updated as and when.

Bar Jokes to Memorize

2009-05-26T03:46:00.002+08:00

I read the T-shirt Hell newsletter helluvalot. And god forbid someone gives me free gift certificates to go berzerk like the Columbine boys.

Have a go at this month's extract.

If you've been reading this newsletter regularly for far too long, you may remember a collection of light bulb jokes I did a while back. The reaction was overwhelmingly nonexistent. And since I take indifference as a form of praise, I decided to wait nearly a year to pique interest and try it again.

This time I went with "__ walks into a bar" jokes. It's a proven formula that has delighted drunk assholes and racists for decades - the perfect antidote to today's hip/ironic humor, which consists mainly of unshaven stoners talking about Q-Bert. Feel free to memorize these and share them with your friends. They're sure to make you the awkward silence of the party.

A retard walks into a bar. I guess you had to be there.

President Obama walks into a bar. Everyone applauds. He sits on a stool. Everyone applauds. He orders a beer. Everyone applauds. He says "Shut the fuck up, you sheep! None of this matters!" Everyone applauds. Then he rips off his face and reveals that the president has been nothing but a cyborg who changes his mask every few years ever since Kennedy died. The bar patrons realize freedom of choice has been nothing but an illusion their entire lives. They're fine with that and decide to vote for an Asian mask in 2012.

A hipster walks into a bar. He orders a beer ironically. He tells the bartender his troubles ironically. He picks up a cute girl ironically and goes home and fucks her ironically. The next day he wonders if he ever does anything he genuinely enjoys. Then he blows out his brains. Ironically.

Miley Cyrus walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face? Oh, I'm sorry - Did I say long face? I meant 'face that looks like a retarded girl suffering from a peanut allergy'."

A conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says "You can have a beer in a blue glass or a red glass. They're exactly the same, but you fucking idiots will swear one is better than the other. What, the world doesn't put you into a box often enough; you have to willingly put yourself in a box too? Damn it! Why do I keep serving symbolism!"

A fat guy walks into a bar. Again, I guess you had to be there.

A Mexican walks into a bar. He gets himself and his cousins hired on as bartenders, putting the other bartenders out of work. Then his wife has like nine kids in the bar. Goddamn it... This used to be a really nice bar.

A black guy walks into a bar. Every other person in the bar stops saying that thing they were about to say.

A gay guy walks into a regular bar. For the first time in ten years he enjoys a beer because he isn't surrounded by obnoxious queens or religious fanatics handing out pamphlets. He thinks 'If I didn't have to fuck vaginas, I could totally be straight.'

A homeless guy walks into a bar. He starts telling everyone secrets about the government right before people start making him dance for quarters. Everyone in the room has lost a little bit of their humanity this night. Then the homeless guy starts eating the shrimp people are throwing in his beard. Homeless people are funny.

Six million really old Jews walk into a bar and one of them says "We went hiking and got lost for a really long time. I hope no one jumped to any crazy conclusions about us."

A Christian walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets down nothing. The Christian says "Where's my beer?" The bartender answers "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there." The Christian replies "You've made your point; give me my beer." The bartender shoots back "You have your beer. I don't care how much proof you show me to the contrary, I will always think there's a beer there." The Christian responds "I fucking get it! Just give me my beer so I can go home and beat my wife!"

A little boy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Catholic Priest. "Catholic Priest?" says the bartender. "What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the boy. "That's the drink I have to force down my throat and never tell my parents about." [rimshot here]

A Catholic priest walks into a bar and orders a Choir Boy. The bartender says "A Choir Boy? What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the priest, "that's the drink I force fingers into until it bleeds and cries. Get it? Because of the molestation thing? I can't believe we're still in business."

A Muslim walks into a bar and the whole place blows up before something funny can happen.

A guy in a wheelchair doesn't walk into a bar.

Again, visit them and sign up for their mailing list. They're one of my chief dark humour inspirations. Click HERE.

Overheard

2009-02-08T16:53:00.001+08:00

Overheard in the pub:

"You are my brother bro! If you ever had both of your arms cut off, I'd help you scratch your balls when you itch!".

Max out.

200,000 Foreigners Laid Off

2009-01-21T13:54:00.003+08:00

Something for the "NO FOREIGN TALENT" placard waving crowd to crow about?

Read THIS.

And then finally things are going the way of the impoverished middle class. But then again, you know the recommendations of the National Wage Council will get to us sooner or later. Note this keyword "Freeze".

Read THIS.

Wanna Go For a Drink

2009-01-18T17:07:00.001+08:00

Courtesy of one of the better chain mails I've opened in recent times. From an unknown Thai beer I presume. But if anyone knows for sure, please let me know. Click on them to blow it up.

Top 50 Sendoff

2009-01-13T14:29:00.003+08:00

What better way to send off the 43rd President of the United States of America than a Top 50 Bushism's sendoff? A celebration of all that the man stood for, spoke for and acted upon. A clear case study for when dyslexia merges with being an inherent retard.

And there is still 7 days to go and till the day he dies to update this list. God truly has a sense of humour.

50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." --at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." --Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

45. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 (Listen to audio clip)

44. "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

43. "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." --Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

42. "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." --as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

41. "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." --discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson in 2003, as quoted by Robertson

40. 3. "I think I was unprepared for war." –on the biggest regret of his presidency, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

39. "I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

38. "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video clip)

37. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." --Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

36. "Do you have blacks, too?" --to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

35. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." --as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

34. "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." --on "Good Morning America," Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina

33. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." --Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

32. "I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

31. "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

30. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." --Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

29. "This is an impressive crowd -- the haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite -- I call you my base." --at the 2000 Al Smith dinner

28. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

27. "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." --Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

26. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

25. "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

24. "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." --after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004

23. "You forgot Poland." --to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004

22. "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --in parting words to world leaders at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as those present looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

21. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." --State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

20. "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

19. "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

18. "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008

17. "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004

16. "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." --Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

15. "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." --to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004

14. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." --speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003

13. "We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories ... And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." --Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

12. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" --joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004 (Read more)

11. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

10. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

9. "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)

8. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." --Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

7. "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 (Read more; listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

6. "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." --Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip)

5. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

4. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video clip)

3. "You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

2. "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005 (Listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

1. "My answer is bring them on." --on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003

Source: http://politicalhumor.about.com

Tat Show Snippets

2009-01-11T20:14:00.005+08:00

I shall unashamedly say that all the above pictures were stolen off Flickr. God bless the Internet. Where you can keep quality photo shots although you barely own a digital cam.

And don't you think that beauty up there looks like Amy Winehouse? Rehab is just around the corner.

Cremate the MP

2009-01-11T19:40:00.002+08:00

Breaking News: Man sets fire on MP. Read all about it HERE.

And my favourite paragraph:

As for Mr Seng, this is not the first time he has been attacked.

He was assaulted by a disgruntled taxi driver in 2006.

At the risk of facing a defamation lawsuit, all I can do is be cruel and go, "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Millenium Prize

2009-01-03T10:06:00.000+08:00

Wanna do something real fruitful this year? Try and solve one of the Millenium Prize Problems.

The good part? There's 1 million in the bag for you if you do and mathematicians will be queueing up to suck on your schlong. Also, expect endorsement deals, a book and movie conjoined deal and an immediate professorship at NUS/NTU.

The really good part? Sometimes, it's people totally unrelated to a certain field who eventually see something the rest of them never thought of.

Make a difference. Do some Math. Aint calculating how much 5 Big 5 Small gets you if you strike the 2nd Prize in today's draw getting boring for you?

Extinguish-year

2009-01-02T07:37:00.002+08:00

When faced with 3 barely graduated from primary school ,bratty little kids spraying a combination of fake snow, foam and that white springy stuff that comes out of an aerosol can, what do you do?

You blast the chief instigator with a dollop of CO2 from the nearest fire extinguisher flush in the face, that's what.

And then you follow him into the washroom and attempt to "assist" him to "clean up" by spraying him from head to toe with the conveniently located "ass wash" pipe.

That kid had a great start to the new year, I can tell you that.

I'm just happy to have been a witness to the whole thing, inhaled CO2 charged air and lived to tell the tale.

B List Cantonese Style

2008-12-15T23:37:00.002+08:00

I've always been in love with Shu Qi. I love her more when she speaks Cantonese.

Someone solve this conundrum, please.

Pay for my Airspace

2008-12-01T13:20:00.004+08:00

This picture should say it all. A bit futuristic though. Chinook props on the gantry and the F15 which hasn't even arrived.

RIP Lo Hwei Yen

2008-11-29T23:10:00.002+08:00

My deepest condolences to the family and loved ones of Lo Hwei Yen. Considerably our country's first victim to the ravages of world terrorism. She also happens to be Selven's cousin's wife for those who know of him.

Interestingly, of everyone who perished in the 9/11 disaster, were there even a few Singaporeans in the mix? I don't really remember the news on those statistics. Anyone?

Singapore Strikes

2008-11-29T22:53:00.003+08:00

Something you would enjoy. Read it HERE.

Short Circuitz

2008-11-27T23:27:00.004+08:00

I've always been a Saturday Night Live (SNL) kinda guy and I can watch a stand up comedy DVD transfixed like it's a brand new action flick. So, when I say, catch Nick Cannon's Short Circuitz on MTV, you should.

No one does parody like a young black dude who is another producer, actor, singer, rapper jack of all trades. Expect all popular black artistes and performers who have fan clubs dedicated to them to be on the chopping block.

Adieu.

Verbatim Don Juan

2008-11-27T01:22:00.000+08:00

"Every woman is a mystery to be solved. But a woman hides nothing from a true lover. Her skin color can tell us how to proceed. A hue like the blush of a rose, pink and pale and she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. And the pale and dappled skin of a redhead calls for the lust of a wave, crashing to the shore so that we may stir up what lies beneath and bring the foam and delight of love to the surface. Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman, the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart? "

By seeing beyond what is visible to the eye. Now there are those, of course, who do not share my perceptions, it is true. When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are... glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect... because I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me in the way they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that lies within until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire, to release that beauty and envelope me in it. So, to answer your question, I see as clear as day that this great edifice in which we find ourselves is your villa. It is your home and as for you, Don Octavio DeFlores, you are a great lover like myself, even though you may have lost your way and your accent. Shall I continue?

You want Don Juan de Marco, the world's greatest lover, to talk to you? What do you know of great love? Have you ever loved a woman until milk leaked from her as though she had just given birth to love itself, and now must feed it or burst? Have you ever tasted a woman until she believed that she could be satisfied only by consuming the tongue that had devoured her? Have you ever loved a woman so completely that the sound of your voice in her ear could cause her body to shudder and explode with such intense pleasure that only weeping could bring her full release?

There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.

Paper Tigers

2008-11-25T18:33:00.002+08:00

Rueben, it's a gem and I'm glad I finally framed it up. Thanks much. Actually it was framed like a month back, it spent a few months on my table, and I finally worked up the anti-laziness to collect it today.

"All counter-revolutionaries are paper tigers"

This poster shows the unity of Chinese military looking afar, while their feet rest on the carton like characters representing the western world. The original was an wood block print, one of many prolific propaganda produced during the Cultural Revolution.

And now we shop at Shanghai Tang.

Nite.

Bits and Pieces

2008-11-25T13:35:00.008+08:00

Pardon me as I clean up my desktop. And schooled in the old adage that nothing should be thrown away unless it crumbles into dust first, I insist on posting all the old jpegs I found hanging around and of no use. I'd like them to be of no use to you too. I wanted to do some photoblog thingy but my ego prevents me from posting anything that doesn't have some filigree gold leafed prose of mine attached to it. Hence, photos with captions or paragraphs which may or may not enhance the original montage.

Not in chronological order:

1. 4bia movie ticket x 1

As you might note, it was for a Thai horror flick at GV in PS at 2340H. Problem was after reaching the damn cinema at 2335H and sitting through 15 mins of commercials, the movie was never watched. I had never seen someone agree with me that quickly.

Me: Eh, why still haven't start ah?
She: Wait la wait.
Me: I tell you what, I'm gonna count to 3 and then I'm gonna up and leave. Fuck this movie. I can't be bothered to wait for it to begin.
She: Then what shall we do?
Me: Duh! Drink la.
She: On. Let's go.

And then we drank, and then we did a whole lotta other stuff. But the key point was that she agreed with me in 3 seconds flat. And yeah the whole lotta other stuff was good too (in case I am being read).

2. St. Pat's clover face tattoo

Twas January if I am not wrong. And me and Darren and Nigel and Nal (though it wasn't really a great night for her, damn SAF fuckers and their long long bitchfits), were savouring the Irish tradition of the dark liquid and declaring that there were no snakes in Ireland to that little Leprechaun who so happened to be sitting at our table too. He was muttering something about rainbows, but the only one we knew was the shop that sold goldfish and luo han in Serangoon North so he kinda left in disgust after a while.

And then there was Wendy. Wendy who made Darren come up with the "All girls who have a tattoo (tribal especially) on their lower backs HAVE to have had waitressing experience at least once in their lives. It had to be a pre-requisite." And it was definitely not my fault nor my doing that Wendy happened to put up in Ang Mo Kio too. A bit of sake, shabu shabu and sukiyaki one Wednesday evening later, this clover tattoo lost its significance on us.

3. Admission ticket to the Anime Festival Asia 08.

Having been very fired up about attending an Anime Fest, I gamely paid for Darren's ticket too in order to open his mind's eye to that world that I get ridiculed so much for just because I take an active interest in it.

In the end, I fucking hated it! WTF was going on? This was the first expo I attended and I wasn't even tempted to purchase a single thing. Not even a cheesy keychain which I am very famous for. I own so many bric-a-brac keychains and lack the keys to slide them into. I just don't know how to describe the event further. I think Darren summed it up quite succintly in this one question: "Eh, you decided to come see this thing to feel younger is it?"

Nuff said.

4. Screenshot off the La Senza webbie

Apparently, the newest La Senza creations are, wait don't flip, PussyCat Dolls lingerie. What has the world come to? And the best part is, it isn't even designed by any of those washboard tummied girls. The design stems from their manager! Robin Antin, the creator and manager of the PCD! Do I really need to go on about this? I guessed as much.

5. A weblink: "Enough with the Poking, Let's Just have Sex" Facebook Group.

I forgot I had bookmarked it to blog it like way back when policemen wore shorts (They still wear shorts though, when they're having PT training and the likes).

An extract from the main page, with minor edits because people can get longwinded when they have an audience of 402,354 as of 1700H today.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF POKING

I) Never poke someone you dont know and haven't spoken to, simply because you find them attractive. Stop being obvious and gross/stalker-y.

II) Don't poke anyone you don't want to have sex with. You'd just be an asshole giving them the wrong message. If you "just want to say hello", then IM them or comment on their profile etc, and actually say hello.

III) Don't return any pokes to the person who poked you if you dont find them attractive. You'll just be leading them on. It's not cool to break unnecessary hearts.

IV) Straight men don't poke other men. It is never appropriate. End of story.

V) DONT OVER-POKE! If you're poking more out of routine than to display real affections, you're poking too much. Limiting the frequency with which you poke helps retain the value of a single poke.

VI) If your poking is becoming too frequent, you need to have sex already. Once you've been poking back and forth for a few days, it becomes time to take the poking from the internet to the bedroom...or shower, kitchen, main lounge, attic, museum, airplane, fast-food restaurant bathroom, Chuck-E-Cheese's ball-pit, etc.

VII) Be careful when you decide to hide your pokes. Hiding a poke is the same thing as a rejection, and you don't want to send the wrong message to someone you might be interested in. If you are attracted to a person but don't want to be bothered with constantly poking back and forth, just leave the poke up there, it doesn't bite.

VIII) Poke wars are retarded (see #6). The process of poking isn't fun. You're just clicking a friggin' button. The sex that comes afterwards is the fun part. Two people competing over who "gets poked last" or who "pokes the other the most" or whatever is the most ridiculous concept I've ever heard. It's like two people sitting across from each other saying "I want to have sex" back and forth but with neither of them actually doing anything. They poked you, you poked them. Now stop the poking, and go have sex.

IX) If you like being an elusive, hard-to-get poke, don't give it up too soon! Sometimes, witholding that poke for a few days can intensify the relationship. Or, if you like subtly letting others know you're angry, take a long time to return their pokes, or hide their pokes altogether. Internet poking is as mental, as real poking is physical.

X) The last, but certainly not the least important Commandment: PRACTICING SAFER POKING.

It was already stated in the First Commandment that it's wrong to poke those you dont know that you only have physical attractions for, however, creeps are out there, and it happens nonetheless. DON'T POKE PEOPLE YOU DONT KNOW. You never know who that mysterious person poking you is. You never know who they've poked, or even if they were safe pokers themselves. Unsafe poking can lead to stalker-esque relationships, both in and out of Facebook. And you never know who might give you a virus (be it spyware or herpes). Neither of us want that. Two ways to poke safer are: to completely abstain from poking (this is the only 100% safe, religiously appropriate way), and to only poke people you know. Also, putting up sexy, cute, or marginally attractive profile pictures that non-friends can see might lead to unwanted poking. Be wary...and slutty/hoish at your own risk. I recommend neutral profile pictures of puppies, flowers, or famous athletes. Doing anything else might attract attention and end disasterously!

Adieu!

How they fucked us and made us monkeys

2008-11-25T12:53:00.004+08:00

Last night I was clinking glasses with another one who had mighty insights into life. By mighty insights I mean, the ability to convert real life factual events and figures into analogies that can be understood by the layman. Something I have to resort to doing day in day out so that the severity or seriousness of mandatory tasks is impressed upon one and all.

And thus his story starts:

You wanna know in simple terms how Merill Lynch, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and all the clowns who got a federal bailout managed to fuck us and make a monkey out of us. Later after this I will tell you what I want to do after seeing how easy it is.

The first story is about this man, let's call him John. So, John got to know a model who wouldn't give him the time of the day let alone let him within a metre of her back zip. Now, John who really wanted to fuck abovementioned model (hamburger not included), said "Ok, follow me to Orchard Road where everything is as expensive as can be and I will buy you anything you desire". The model, as some of them are, was overjoyed and promptly hand in hand followed John down to the shopping belt.

They popped into this high end boutique where she was mesmerized by a tote bag. The price tag read $60,000. She raised her eyebrows, he nodded. Checking the bag out at the cashier, John was asked by the employee "Sir, cash or card?". John said "Let me write you a cheque for this $60,000.". She went "Sir, it is Saturday evening now, there is no way for me to verify with the bank if this cheque will clear. And if I let you have the bag and the cheque bounces, then my manager will bounce ME out of this joint and I'll be 60K poorer". So, John counters with "Ok, I tell you what. I write you the cheque. You bank it in on Monday to see if it clears and when it does you give me a call and I'll come down to pick up the bag. Is this good for everyone?". The cashier nodded and the model had been nodding since 15 mins ago so no issue with her.

On Monday, John receives a call from the cashier. It wasn't as friendly as the way she had received him in the store. "Eh, John ah! Your cheque bounce lei! I had this funny feeling about you and I was right! So how you going to pay for the bag this time? Card or cash?".

To which John replied "It's ok. You can keep the bag. I fucked her already."

Now, the second story. Once there were 2 white men who chanced upon a deserted island on their travels. This island was filled with monkeys running haywire. There were only some indigenous natives on said island and they were governed by the village chief. So, the 2 white men approached the village chief who was more interested in adding hash to his pipe than what they were talking about and gave him a proposal.

"Chief, we are very interested in purchasing the monkeys on your island because there is demand for them back in our homeland. Can you sell them?"

"How much do you want to buy one for?"

"We'll pay you 10 dollars a monkey."

"Hmmmm"

After 30 seconds of pondering, because that was how long it took before the opium had to be refilled (the chief had big lungs), he agreed and sent out his men to capture every monkey they could find. In the end, there were 1000 monkeys and the white men duly paid him 10 bucks a monkey and left.

6 months later, one of the white men returns alone and seeks an audience with the chief.

"Chief, my partner and I are doing good business with the monkeys. But, now we need more. How many do you have?"

"White Man, I only have about 30 to 40 monkeys left."

"That isn't enough. I'll need at least hundreds to be profitable. Ok, I tell you what. I am not on very good terms with my partner anyway. Why don't I take some of the old monkeys from his stock and sell it to you for 40 bucks each. Then, later you can sell it back to him for 55 bucks and cut me 5 bucks commission per monkey. In this way, we both make money and I can rip him off too and split from this company. What say you?"

The chief pondered for another 30 seconds and agreed to his proposal. I mean, how could you not trust a man who wanted to make you money? So, the white man brought 500 monkeys and sold it off at 40 bucks a pop and promised to return with his partner in a week to buy the same monkeys back in an elaborate con job attempt.

The white man never returned. The chief gained a new title: "Chief Fucking Stupid Monkey".

Now can you comprehend what just happened to the US economy?

Stevie Me

2008-11-04T00:47:00.002+08:00

If Jonathan watched this clip, he'd swear to God, he experiences Stephen the mad Irishman each day in me. As for me, "it's my island". From 02:00 onwards, concentrate.

Adieu!

The Credit Addict

2008-11-03T23:11:00.002+08:00

Can you even achieve this?

Impossible right.

Only me baby, only me.

What's new? What credit crunch? I run an overdraft like it's my day job baby. Booyakasha.

Cao

2008-11-03T15:18:00.003+08:00

"I'd rather betray the world than let the world betray me."
Cao Cao

Lazy but Fair

2008-11-01T22:23:00.004+08:00

Being so proud of having an opinion on everything big or small. Of course, being more proud for reacting big to small things and having a small opinion on big things, it came of course as utter irony that I was described as laissez faire the day before yesterday. [it's audit season]

Maybe it was the technical recession that brought back faint memories of the Great Depression ultimately brought about by laissez faire capitalism.

Laissez Faire: the practice or doctrine of noninterference in the affairs of others, esp. with reference to individual conduct or freedom of action.

Non-interference? Me? I rest my case. I interfere where even interference is not required dude.

I think it all stemmed from my daily "wazzup bro?".

Adieu!

Wish my Fly

2008-10-26T16:18:00.002+08:00

It's that time of year where people apparently send cards out to whomever they ought to be lighting on fire, i mean celebrating deepavalli with.

When will people realize that this card business is meaningless? It has no roots, no traditions a la someone's Christmas Card list. Now, that is a fuckin list! Because it stands the test of time I figure. Ask yourself, truly. Do you really send Deepavalli greeting cards to the same people each year? Or only to the ones who will scowl the next time you see them at weddings and funerals and the friends who are at the top of your minds that year?

Also, how come the abbreviation for FAMILY is FLY?

A typically worded card that reaches my household:

"Wishing XXXXXX XXXXXX & FLY a Happy Deepavalli!"

My dad is grateful that you thought of him enough to invest in that 22 cent stamp. However, his crotch or button-fly Levi's for that matter need not celebrate this festival as exuberantly as he does.

It's just 3 letters more. It aint grounds for an abbreviation. Even the word "abbreviation" doesn't have an abbreviation you lazy pricks.

Have a good Festival of Lights. Light your smokes. Light your bongs. Set your enemies alight.

Adieu!

Arai Na?

2008-10-20T17:19:00.003+08:00

Women are the same the world over.

She: I'm back at the club we used to go every night.
Me: That's nice, have fun.
She: There's this guy, he's following me around all night.
Me: So, what you gonna do?
She: He wants my number.
Me: And?
She: I said I have a boyfriend.
Me: Good for you.
She: But he's the Boss of this place, he still wants my number.
Me: I think I am going out to club now and the first pretty girl I see, I will ask her to follow me home.

[silence for the next 2 hours]

She: I didn't give my number.

[I'm silent for the next 2 days]

She: My heart is broken. But it still beats on. [pardon the poetic hollywood script. non native speakers are like that]

Me: Good. Now how?
She: I miss you.
Me: Good answer.

Adieu!

Bullshit

2008-10-18T19:47:00.003+08:00

My humble apologies for not updating. I thought of penning something on the 16th to mark a 1 month anniversary for being too lazy to boot up but as usual I missed that deadline too. I'm currently busy with many many stuff:

1. Watching people try and accomplish in a few weeks what they should have been doing through the last year. [Cue: Audit time]

2. Watching Obama beat up "I got my wig all wrong" McCain. And watching Palin insist Russia is her neighbour and thus she WOULD have been the best woman to avert the Cold War. [Cue: Gorbachev pissing in Alaskan fishing waters and feeding cyanide to some moose]

3. Wondering how anyone could ever not love a country where they put actual lime fruits into the urinals so even your piss smells sweet. [Cue: Long Live The King, The Royal Monarch of Thailand]

4. Wondering what to do with my 3/4 full Absolut. No mixer in sight also. [Cue: Drunken sex]

5. Thinking how brilliant people are to promise me a gift for my birthday and then wait till I get out of town for 2 weeks and hope that I forget. That's fuckin like pledging 300 million when Katrina hit and then the world realizes only 300,000 was ever transferred in cold hard cash from gahmen to gahmen.

Adieu!

Bastardized Illness

2008-09-16T16:06:00.002+08:00

Why you shouldn't talk about your medical status over beer:

Someone: Hey, where you at?
AR: Bro, I on 2 week MC man.
Someone: How come man!
AR: Slipdisc.
Someone: Oh!

After the gossip had made the rounds round the tables.

Me: Eh, where's AR? Don't think he'd miss this party though?
Someone Else: You don't know ah, He 2 week MC.
Me: Oh how come?
Someone Else: Syphilis bro.
Me: SERIOUS boh?
Someone Else: See see he just walked in, haha. speak of the devil. by the way, do you think his crotch looks swollen?
Me: ...

The Annual Medical

2008-09-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

We people in aviation have this need to clear an annual full medical. Even though, car accidents number 100 times more than aircraft crashes in any given year, we allow old fogeys to either hog the road / signal right and turn left / drive with their nose to the windshield because apparently they will always be medically fit to handle a 4 wheeler.

But, rules are rules and since mine was about to lapse, I did the unthinkable. Booked it on my off day. Me and my penchant for unrecorded OT.

All the stations were fine except when I got to the ENT doctor. After doing her usual checks and all, she does the mandatory, "Say ah......". So I do. What she commented on, gave me the answer to questions I've been fielding myself and invisible beings around me for years. The answer to why I don't chug down my beer instead preferring to civilly gulp it instead. And why, I can't wolf down food preferring instead to chew them with me molars before letting them pass. She went:

"Do you snore a lot?"
"No. why? Perhaps a little la, I've had people say"
"Your throat passage is quite small, very tight. When you sleep, I suggest you sleep on your side so that you don't end up snoring"
"Ah, but that's good news aint it?"
"Why?"
"No one can ever accuse me of deep throating and sucking off my boss. It would be physically impossible"
"Somehow I agree."
"Thanks Doc. You the bomb"
"I am?"
"Yeah, except you shouldn't paint your lips purple when you're wearing a purple power suit. Overkill."
"Point taken"

Small throats, large apples.

Just Me

2008-09-13T15:38:00.004+08:00

This be the tribute to the man who has supplied me with quotes, laughter and general "big up" high 5s the whole week long.

When trying to chat up a girl he ALREADY knows for quite a while and eventually freaking the hell outa her:

"First we can be friends la, later we see how..."

When putting on a silicone cover for his camera phone, he manages to flip it the wrong side round, making the hole in the cover not aligned with the camera lens. This has been the case for a couple of months since he first got the cover. When finally corrected he goes:

"I always knew there was something wrong with it la..."

When the market ball handicap for Man U versus the Pool later tonight was only level, this die hard Liverpudlian places a bet with someone who actually knows his gambling:

"Ok la.. I'll take Liverpool and give you 1.5 balls."
"On. What's the bet?"
"1 carton of bourbon"
"On."

15 minutes later after getting the expert advice of people who DO know their gambling, he goes back to bettor in question:

"We'll double confirm this 15 mins before the game starts"
"No way."

Adieu!

Join Media Cock

2008-09-03T15:07:00.003+08:00

I know a lot of you aspire to act. Perhaps just a temp pass into Caldecott Hill would suffice so you can go steal Dawn Yeoh's undies. But don't say I don't have the good stuff for you. Go for the casting call.

Click HERE.

Adieu!

Air Force Open House 08

2008-09-03T12:59:00.004+08:00

It all culminated with a huge piss up [not full participation due to high levels of fatigue] and me heading out to catch the Liverpool Game [they drew with Villa] with a new found friend.

The Open House [henceforth referred to as OH] was 4 days straight for us. 2 internal and 2 external. It was horrid in terms of working on weekends and psycho-ing ourselves that it was just another weekday.

But I love carnivals. Heck, I could live in a carnival all year round just walking the fairgrounds, playing the rides, collecting souvenirs and acting tour guide to the noobs. Unfortunately, no nation in the world can support a year round carnival. Even Brazil. Even Ibiza.

Some snapshots from OH, stolen off Flickr. I stole so many I just didn't have the time to like note down the owners. To youse, you have my sincere apologies. But what is the Internet, but a legal way to commit petty intellectual theft now and then? These are all glamour shots taken with probably high end DSLRs. Talkin about pictures, it's such a bitch taking photos with other people's cameras. Takes ages to come to you, they put it up in FB and it becomes THEIR album and you're just a spectatorial "tag". The demerits are endless. So, if you have an old digital camera you wanna garage sale off, it's my birthday this weekend; you'd better just donate it to me. All nicely gift wrapped with a card saying how much you love me of course.

Foreign workers having a blast.

Even they have a camera. Nabei I don't have. However, we were expecting throngs of our foreign nationals on Sunday but the response was subdued.

Little Miss Photographer. She hot.

The final segment of the air show.

First F16 breaking formation to come in to land. Overall, to us who work with these blokes day in day out, the airshow wasn't something so exciting. But you know the general public.. who think "work in airforce ah? pilot ah?". Yeah, these people got some of their grey matter rumbled out of position with the loud exhaust and jet fuel induced "high", so they definitely went "ooooooh and aaaaaaaah".

There were joyrides and all.

C130, Chinook, Fokker 50 and Piper Warrior. This be the estate of Punggol taken from the back of a C130 by a joyrider. Some of my blokes got the chance to ride it too. I politely declined. I've got two 6 hour flights on this mean machine comin up this month. Not something to relish. Always fly commercial. They got bloody stewardesses for starters!

The monsoon, or whatever bastardized El Nino or La Nina wreaked havoc all 4 days. Rain was so passe once you had spent more than an hour out there. Dark clouds coming up to wolf the sun down over here.

The boy needs a haircut.

Shades are mandatory. As I explained to a dude who recently joined our ranks: "The difference between the air force and anybody else is that we not only strive to do a good job like all of them, we have this inherent need to look good while doing it".

Why do I type with so much text in italicized brackets? That's cos I always have something to say, and half way thru typing I still want to interject myself and say something more. Character trait. Deal with it.

The Birthday Clock - 4 Days

2008-09-02T16:03:00.004+08:00

It is 4 days to my birthday. As I masquerade as an unloved child, lots of presents are appreciated. Do contact me for the appropriate mailing address, my waist/chest/bum/shoe sizes or POSB bank account numbers so you can do the necessary and spread the pre-recession cheers around.

Believe it or not, cake's from Angie The Choice.

Again, BUY ME PRESENT! I WANT! 6th September. Put it in your mobile's calendar and sync it with your PC lest technology makes you forget.

If you're on FB, you ought to click this: THIS.

Define Political Party

2008-09-02T00:33:00.004+08:00

I got an interesting story for you. The WP is considered a political party. PAP is not. East Coast Park is supposedly a public place. But West Coast Park isn't.

I'm not wrong. I have proof.

Taken from the MHA website regarding "Oral Answer to Parliamentary Question on the reasons for the rejection of a police permit to hold the Workers’ Party 50th Anniversary Cycling Event on 9 September 2007 at the East Coast Park".

We have Ho Peng Kee spewing:

Mr Speaker Sir, the reason why political parties are not allowed to organise outdoor activities has been explained in Parliament before.

Police does not allow political parties to organise outdoor gatherings because such activities have the potential for public disorder and mischief, and may disrupt community life. Police's requirement is that such party activities be held indoors or within stadiums, so that any law and order problems would be contained. This policy applies to all political parties.

The Workers’ Party had applied to the Police to organise a mass cycling event to celebrate the party’s 50th anniversary at the East Coast Park. The East Coast Park is a recreational park for Singaporeans and their families. It is not meant to be used by a political party to promote its cause. Apart from displacing the usual recreational users of East Coast Park, it is an open area where there is greater potential for a breach of the peace, public disorder and unruly behaviour. As I have explained, Police takes a more cautious approach towards outdoor activities organized by political parties. In line with this approach, Police rejected Workers’ Party’s application.

The Workers’ Party may wish to consider organising its celebrations at an indoor venue or in a sports stadium.

Did you happen to catch the front page of LHL on his bicycle pegged with 2 national flags with the headline: "PAP Carnival at West Coast Park"? Sylvia, I think it's time you raised this up in the next parliament sitting. Unless somewhere along the way, ST's editors decided printing "PAP" or "Gahmen" can be interchangeable since they are one and the same.

We learn new things everyday.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others - Squealer

Now all you PAPis sing along while riding pillion on your modded out white washed BMXes:

PAPi PAPi, PAP chulo!
PAPi, PAPi, PAPi veng a mi!

But Nicole Scherzinger went one better on Daddy Yankee's track with:

You are the king of my heart
And that was just
So don't you ever go far
PAP-i Lover
There is no other like you
No other lover than you
So doesn't mean what you do
PAP-i Lover

Buena Suerte.

Postscript: Much thanks to The Online Citizen and The Singapore Daily for picking this up from me.

Outram Commando

2008-09-01T22:43:00.001+08:00

You gotta love Stomp because of classics like this one. Say hello or better still, salute and then knock it down 20 for him when you come across this wannabe at Outram MRT station.

Baris Sediaaa!

Kiss Me Fuck Me

2008-09-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

You know those chicks, the ones who THINK they're hard to get, and project it so. And then, in the process of knowing them, they often come up with big time requests for favours. Thing is, someone must have brought them aside in Pri 3 behind the tuckshop to instruct them exactly how to ask for something, someone doesn't have or doesn't have the authority to pull off without breaking a few million laws and legal statutes along the way.

Like asking a pauper for a diamond ring. Or asking a cop to NOT write a ticket and switching on his siren while giving you a lift from Palais Renaissance down to The Excelsior. You get what I mean.

When asked by one of these women for a potentially career killing favour:

She: How about it? Off the record?
Me: Usually I like to get kissed before I get fucked.

Adieu!

40 years of the RSAF

2008-08-26T04:51:00.003+08:00

You gotta give it to the gahmen boys. They know the right agencies to place their millions with to come up with one of the best ad campaigns I've seen ever. The military has an advantage over other products when advertising their greatness. This is because when you fall back on ideals and values like courage, patriotism, loyalty and basically an arsenal full of firepower to shoot the hell outa your enemies of the state, you touch something inside the casual viewer. Tug at the heart strings if you will. You conjure up this illusion that that viewer owes a great deal of faith and gratitude to the men and women in uniform and also quite subtly place the viewer in a state of mind where he can imagine himself as the said soldier.

All in a day's work.

Google if you need more. I'm just very impressed. By the artwork, by the ad itself and the minds it took to figure out that give "air" some "force" and it becomes "wind". Brilliant. Actual TV commercial is on YouTube. Shot entirely in Melbourne. It features solid ass CGI and scenery. Each frame of it went through 3 hours of post production. Or so the ad agency reports.

However, for some critique, how come there is no ad specifically for our vocation, where labour is sorely needed. I see WSO(FTR), AOSS, Senior Tech up there. I'm sure a pilot one is forthcoming sooner or later. I mean whether you got enough pilots or not, you still have to come up with a cool ass poster for them. Like, duh? Still, is this major recruitment exercise only for these 3 groups of workers? If so, reality check, kthx.

Submitted for your comments, please.

Your obedient soldier.
Feng of Feng Yun.

For The Harley Man

2008-08-25T23:39:00.001+08:00

Proudly sponsored by a Harley enthusiast, the story of inventor meets God.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results..
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Pwned.

Brave Inheritance

2008-08-18T22:36:00.004+08:00

Twas at Tanjong Pagar in a musty pub where we were the kings and we were the minions that I realized there were actually unspoken unwritten ethos some of us live by. For me, it was one of those defining moments.

After a round of "Johnny Drama" drowning Chivas shots like he was going through reverse osmosis, the 21 game drew to a silent close [what none of you realized was that I never lost a single round on that game]. You know how it is, random shuffling of the deck but no one is inclined to play cos the next person who gets a shot is gonna hurl it across the room together with the evening's laksa.

I just dealt Sinjon a hand and myself another. Both cards were open. Just for fuck's sake. But the forfeit in this case was not a shot of liquor but rather a very diluted mixed solution. Fair and square.

His cards:

And mine:

Quite fucked up cards to get if you ask me especially if the aim is to play to 21 and not go bust. But however, it was a game where the forfeit didn't matter. I mean no one was really going to LOSE by swigging a mouthful of diluted alcohol+mixer.

So, I ask him: "Want another one?"
He goes: "No."
I say: "Come on..there's only 2 of us"
He still goes: "I'm fine"

So, I draw. And I get a "2". And I win it.

Why would you not take a chance when the stakes are so low? Why would you be cautious when you don't lose a thing? Is there a need to stick by a fail-safe system just because this is the way you operate? I don't answer for my buddy but just a thought that it all stemmed from there.

Only the brave will inherit the world.

The unspoken ethos.

I kinda like it though. Rolls of the tongue well.

Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:5

I am so not cut out to be a Christian or any other denomination of that faith.

Bon Soir.

Wall E

2008-08-16T13:50:00.003+08:00

I wanna catch Wall E when it opens here. Reason being, it's a damn robot. Animating already living things are like just taking your photograph and cartoonizing it using PhotoShop. Example: Ice Age. But, animate non-living things and you can just go wild. That's cos there are no limits are there. You aren't limited by existing stereotypes like a tiger should be striped orange and black and the wrinkles on an elephant's butt should be angularly concentric around the anus. Example: Toy Story.

Which is why I guess I dig robot cartoons. Futurama and Transformers anyone?

Basically, the Wall-E [Wally] story goes something like this. He (It) is a garbage collecting robot. He falls in love with Eve, a recon robot sent to see if Earth [by now decimated by the tons of rubbish that covers it knee deep] is still sustainable for human live. He finds a living plant, shows it to her, she hibernates. Fella blur la now, like "why you being so cold bitch?". But like all good love stories, he protects her from the elements in the hope that one day she will "fucking wake up her idea".

One day, a space ship comes to get her. Inside there are the last living remnants of mankind. Partying like it's still 1969 and Beyonce and Britney weren't born yet la these mofos. So, Wall-E hitches a ride when they scoop up Eve cos of the true love that endures in that kinda metallic bonding. They don't call it a sea of electrons for nothing.

In the end, the on board computer cock up. So, those people who could return to earth are prevented from doing so due to one of many Windows XP cock ups [expected]. Then got a big time mutiny la. Wall-E macam Achilles of the Trojan war all with some lil metallic minions following suit. If they had a 14 footer lorry kitted with "mee siam" frills and bull's horns on the bonnet they would have.

Regardless, it's a good flick. I like. I gonna watch.

Bye bye.

Right your Wrongs

2008-08-16T13:16:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to right my wrongs,
But it's funny how these same wrongs
Helped me come along so long.

Carrying Balls

2008-08-14T22:33:00.003+08:00

I met a 50 year old guy recently. Funny thing was he looked just 5 years older than me, making him sweet 16 I suppose. He was the type of guy who could run an entire night by just talking without stopping. And he wasn't one of those you were gonna shove a Corona's bottle down the throat to shut him up either.

[Talking about jobs and occupations]

He: Me? I'm unemployed. Looking for a job la. But for my education I can only carry things. Even be a waiter also sad. Always need to carry the tray and plates and all. Need to carry the customers' balls all. I how la to carry balls? I already got problem carrying my own 2 balls that's why I wear underwear to help me. I how la to carry other fellas' balls all? Tell me.

I only recovered a full ten minutes later. Then I took an extra ten to wipe off the beer that had snorted through my nostrils and dripped onto my own crotch. Thereby reminding me of what had transpired and I went into a ten minute relapse again.

Buenos Noches.

Bi-Directionalism

2008-08-14T17:50:00.004+08:00

When you're directing a cabbie [no pun intended, you], what do you say to him when you want to indicate a turn at a junction?

Something to the tune of:

"Turn right and go straight"

OR [if you was me. you can't be, but trying is all the rage I hear]

"Turn left uncle and go up all the way to XXXX"

Just wondering why and what the roots were to me constantly linking the direction "left" with "up" and "right" with "down". Not to mention that I've met cabbies who instinctively link it the reverse way. I.e. Right goes with up and Left goes with down.

OK. Right-Side-Up.

A 3rd group of people I've met or noticed rather, in fact link it purely geographically. That is, when they give directions, they already have a bird's eye view of the map of the location in question and then say "up" or "down" according to cardinal directions. That would be North-South to those of youse who still think Cardinal has something to do with the Pope.

A typical conversation with me and a member of the 3rd group on an often traversed trip from Ang Mo Kio to Paya Lebar:

Me: Ok, junction turn right and go down all the way.
Cabbie: Ok, turn right and up all the way.
Me: Huh? Down la.
Cabbie: Paya Lebar is "up" what.

Which is when it hits me that to him, AMK to Paya Lebar is actually an overall North Easterly trip. Whereas, to me, left is up and right is down. This has to go into the X-Files. There might be a sinister military application to these perspectives too. Have a think about it.

Although I don't quite condone this phrase: "Go straight all the way". A lot of lampposts and permanent fixtures would be in your way. Do turn the steering slightly left and right to suit the curvature of the road.

Random dark (dick) humour:

Adieu.

Snippets from the 31st

2008-08-12T20:41:00.003+08:00

My bedside is a mess. Ok, I just woke but it will still be a mess when I'm out of the house later at 11 and since I don't sleep on my own bed 4 times a week [no, this is not sexual innuendo dammit], the mess begets a mess.

Before I start, you is may spread the word now. That I truly am back. Spinning words from the loom, rhyming with the old a-a-b-b and basically abusing my keyboard all over again. The mouse is such a lazy tool. And oh, anyone who doesn't know what alt+tab or win key+d do can seriously stop talking to me. You are the cursed children of the technological age. The ones who just consume and never think about where it all comes from.

So, I see this mess of papers. The Straits Times of course, I can't really afford to keep the AWSJ, BT, NYT or any other high level publication of linguistic perfection on subscription. Hell, even keeping my SIM card on subscription is like scaling K2. Again, for ease of convenience, I have placed Wikipedia, dictionary.com and thesaurus.com on the right sidebar. As a matter of fact, running some of my pages through an automated program have actually revealed that I write at a level much much lower than most editions of the Tintin series. And we all know he had a very cute dog. Bet you don't know the name. This also means I am not one who is highly likely to get to the million dollar question in "Are you smarter than a 5th grader". What I could win is "Moment of Truth" because I never lie, just like that.

Some people do political commentary, some do entertainment commentary and some just review what they like to review and then try to make a big joke outa it. I just read the papers and tell you what my warped mind read between the lines. Because it's the least I owe myself after the 81 hours i slave away.

ST, July 31, Page 6

1. DOCTOR 'NOT QUALIFIED TO DO SODOMY CHECK

The doctor who examined the piss ant accusing Anwar Bum-war of sodomy was apparently NOT qualified to do so. I would understand why this would be a big problem. I mean, if I was pissing through my anus because my carrot cake uncle figured snot was a good addition to the massive tons of lard he already pours in, I couldn't possibly get a fair assessment from my GP. I should visit a proctologist.

And my proctologist [man skilled in the art of examining your anus and all the way up to the start of your rectum, more useful for the detection of cancer though] would have peered up my nether region and said, "Hmmm.. you do not look like you've been sodomized. I think you have diarrhoea relating to food poisoning. Here are some apples so the worms come out to feed. Have 2 a day and call me when you're close to death."

My proctologist would have used a proctoscope to possibly do an anoscopy in the case of the famous-by-posterior Saiful Azlan. And he would have peered and sniffed and poked his KY-ed finger in and decided: 'P/R (Per rectal examination): No active bleeding, no ulcer or pus seen, no injury shown, no tear seen.' Which is exactly what the attending doctor, Dr Mohamed Osman did.

So, now you know. What you see and what you can sign off for or endorse are not one and the same. The next time you need to check on a sodomy [if you end up being the Chief of Police or Home Minister one day], be sure also to see if the interior sphincter is broken or badly abused. A sure sign of forced sodomy.

ST, July 31, Page H3

2. HOUGANG RESIDENTS KEEPING ME ON MY TOES: LOW TO SM GOH

On this piece of splendid journalism [ok, I was clearly at a loss of what to do when the commercials came on in the middle of Dirty Sexy Money], only 1 key paragraph really jumped at me. Although, somehow reading the piece again indicated that actually it probably was placed there as a last resort cos the flow didn't seem to gel.

He (Low) also said he was disappointed with the way the Government had moved to tear down nine blocks of flats in Hougang. He stressed he was not against development but was dismayed the residents would be moving to different parts of the island.

Are you even reading what I'm seeing here? Regardless that it is taken out of context? A blatant removal of a dissident population is what it is. Moved to regions where the supportive majority overpowers their vote and voice and may (not) over time subtly influence their sub conscience to root for the incumbents.

So, we [speaking in the first person here] tried and tried to move the vote. To conquer the land where political rallies are held more in Teochew and Hokkien than in English or any other national language. We couldn't. So now we just shift them out. Simple ain't it. I wonder which Harvard born and bred magna cum laude graduate thought this one up. He thoroughly deserves his Performance Bonus. Hoo-Hah!

Is it also a wonder that these 9 blocks ensconce a wet market place that is the focal point for all WP walkabouts, like minded residents and basic communal 'gotong royong' spirit?

ST, July 31, Page H8-9

3. NOTICE OF EXHUMATION OF GRAVES AT KWONG HOU SUA TEOCHEW CEMETERY

This one was one of those razzmatazz notices you simply flip fast through unless it really concerns your physical well being. Most of the time the notices we flip off are those announcing apologies, shareholders' issues and basic government bureaucratic processess.

Well it would be something really non significant if it wasn't the start of the Chinese 7th Month that week. The hungry ghouls, the getai [yeah baby!], the auctions, the ashes, the big burn ups, the non participants with their marshmallows on satay sticks at the big bonfires. You know the deal.

So here you go, 2000 odd graves being exhumed, some to be properly incinerated and ashes kept in urns [if anyone claims them after this advertisement] and the unclaimed ones will be kept by LTA for 3 years till they are washed out at sea [how kind]. My fear was this: Weren't we all raised since young, from the Boogie Man under your beds [for those whose parents went to Harvard] and "Karang Guni gonna catch you!"[for those whose parents went to a government primary school learning English and Malay and apparently anti-rag-and-bone-men] and of course the bigoted "Bang-Kar-Li gonna take you go!" [for those whose parents could only muster 3 syllables]; that NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DISTURBS A GRAVE! NOT DURING THE 7TH MONTH ESPECIALLY!

Am I the only one who watched all those old school chinese ghost flicks, where the dude who disturbs the grave of a spirit who ALREADY is pre disposed to roaming the plains, dies a horrible death? And now, we're releasing 2000 over spirits to go out, feast, drink, gamble, partake in some old school opera and then come back to find they got no place to rest their head? Disaster in the making. I'd be mighty pissed if I came home after a drunken soirée and my mum had donated my bed to a nomadic cousin.

I'm just hoping all those incense and hell money I have slaved over the fire for year by year is gonna help out when someone [the 'thing' was once a person] walks up to me and goes "Boo". I think I shall say "Tweese!" and see what comes out of it all. Whoever said ghosts didn't have a sense of humour?

Capisce?

Someone Knows

2008-08-11T05:35:00.004+08:00

What if you're made to answer for another's incompetency?

You say: "There are only two possible explanations: either no one told me, or no one knows"

Classes struggle, some classes triumph, others are eliminated. Such is history; such is the history of civilization for thousands of years. - Chairman Mao

Time and Space

2008-08-11T03:30:00.003+08:00

It pisses me off really when I tell people where I work and I get "Wah, good good. Iron rice bowl. You should stay there all the way. I wish I worked there". Well seriously, do you even believe your own bullshit?

This is not the 1980s no more. I should know better don't you think, I was born during the 80s. Back then, policemen wore shorts. Not because, there was lack of finance to sew the rest of their pants on but because they didn't really have to worry about hairless legs, upskirt(pants) camera potshots, Aedes and Chikungunya and all other factors that ensure men generally DO wear their pants long. This is unless you are from an all boys' school and wearing your short shorts like berms is in fact the encouraged practice all the way to the day you graduate.

I've been doing alternate day duties for the past 2 months and this is gonna last till the end of this month. I've put off a long deserved 1 week of leave [the take 5 days and get 9 days off in typical 'me' fashion] because of someone else's lack of competency.

A typical weekday shift runs from 1 pm to 8 am [19 hours] the next morning where I get to leave on my needed day off. Getting to leave and pushing off on inertia to actually leave are 2 different things. I'm lucky if I actually feel like leaving before 11. The abundance of "homework" [why I quit school for] has all to do with my inertia. [on a tangent: hameniiiiiiiii inertia in a day?] A weekend shift runs from 8 am to 8 am [24 hours].

So, if I do the 1,3,5,7 routine. I work 19 x 3 + 24 = 81 hours that week.
the 2,4,6 routine lands me 19 x 2 + 24 = 62 hours. Sounds 20 hours less but the shitty part about doing a Saturday duty is that essentially your Friday nights and Sat nights are fucked. And when you get home on a Sunday, all there is to do is sleep in and wait for the entire cycle to kick in come Monday.

I vaguely remember that the entire civil service was gearing towards a "more family time", "no more Saturdays" work week. In fact, I found the particular directive in paper recently. So clear. In bold text and Times New Roman font no less. 45 hour work week spread over 5 working days.

Now I may not have aced my integration or calculus for that matter, but I'd think simple logic and mental sums would indicate that I shouldn't be undergoing this shit for the same fuck all pay. Add to that, the manipulation of this same system into these simple words, "1 day work, 1 day off". Ah, sounds like such a thrill to be in this shift doesn't it? At the end of the day, this is what people use to either brush it under the carpet, convince themselves or convince their pathetic social life that all is good cos I'm "1 day work, 1 day off".

I'm a simple guy with simple pleasures. Pay me more or I'm fucking off. And I seriously couldn't give an emotional fuck about the tatters that will remain once 1 able bodied soul leaves the fray. Simply put, I am not paid to think of all this. More professionally, this consideration and the decision that follows is not within my pay grade, please refer to my superior officer.

Ciao.

Strength

2008-08-09T00:16:00.000+08:00

That which hurts you makes me stronger.
That which does not destroy me makes me stronger.

Chief Marine Scientist Expounds

2008-08-05T18:41:00.003+08:00

I have to humbly apologize to the millions and millions of... well of germs, bacterium and virii who actually do keep tab on this page [big up to you dudes who actually survive on the algae caked screen of my laptop].

I must admit, I've been a bad father. There has been no love from me. I just upped and left like it was my god given right to. But then I always have something(one) to blame. Nothing's my fault. Ever. Really. Don't believe ask me.

I've been very preoccupied with this strange phenomenon they call work. It's not like I haven't been afflicted by this particular disease before. I've rode this bandwagon since 13. But never have I put in 81 solid hours and more [inadvertent overtime due to pure inertia] at an organization which professes a 42 or 45 hour work week massing over just 5 days. The common fool will exclaim "shiok what! 1 day work. 1 day off!". Yes, it is actually, if I actually left for home in time. There seem to be a lot of other distractions these days. The homework if you will.

This homework syndrome is so prevalent in this nation. Have you ever grown an ant nest for a science project or just saw an ant nest and decided not to smash it cos it was cool to see them scurry for safety [very un-Zen and un-Buddhist of me]? People actually grow ant nests in glass tanks so you can see how the ants cut cool tunnels and storage chambers for the food they beg off tables at their local S-11. Every few days, ant colony keepers [their choice of pet smacks of parental abuse and a troubled childhood] will shake the box its in to make the tunnels cave in. This is to prevent the ants from escaping as they are constantly rebuilding something or the other. Hark! Is this like how, LTA, PUB, M1, Starhub and Singapore Power dig the same stretch of road one after the other. I dig, I repair. You dig, you repair. And "this is the song that never ends".

I poured a jug of water on an ant nest once. Sand turns to mud. Tunnels become torrents of sludge. The ants are simply smothered. For a scientific perspective on why the ants below the surface can't escape, see: Pressure, Bernoulli's Principle, Viscosity, Animal Genocide.

This homework I alluded to earlier is simply this: Asphyxiation. See, you can be trained in a specialization. You can be damn fucking great at it. And the only thing you ever wish for is to go in day after day to do exactly what you're fucking good at. Your specialty. And then the homework piles up in bureaucratic tandem. How quaint. That people actually think there's a real need to write down what you need to do and then go do it and go write down some stuff summore on how you could have done it better and then send this stuff to another dude who writes his stuff and consolidates it and sends it to one dude who apparently has to approve all this [of course he too writes more stuff].

Some dudes actually love homework [cos they suck in their real jobs listed on their employment contracts]. I think it's cos gagging on a 7 inch boner is just the way they like it. These people can be stereotyped as 25 yr olds who plaster their entire workspace wall with teddy bear wallpaper.

Then again, I'm just bitching. You know me. I bitch a lot. Even if I love you, I'd bitch about you. It keeps me sane. Release. Emancipation. You don't hold on to shit much after you bitch. It dissipates. Dissolves into the atmosphere where it rises and one day clumps together and becomes space trash that's gonna crash the next expedition to Mars. I burn tobacco up in the kilos every day. I hope it increases my carbon footprint. My folks always hoped I'd make a big mark on this place before I get jailed for a major white collar crime.

Apart from sending out many many mass e-mails [some of my smarter colleagues have learnt how to use "rules" to divert all my mail to their spam folder] regarding the status updates of the existing Fish Tank Club [FTC] projects, I am proud to announce that the vehicle I utilize to heal me psychologically has evolved into the pride of the nation. 17 rainbow tetras, 1 albino cory, 5 discus, 1 Sri Lankan guppy, assorted planted greeny stuffs and the dreams, aspirations and souls of the dearly departed 14 guppies we managed to kill in over a few hours on a cold July night.

All photos HERE.

Salutations,
Your Chief Marine Scientist

Pregnant Pause

2008-08-04T19:42:00.005+08:00

I was lying there just musing, when she went "Wait here, I'll be right back."

Have you ever heard this line? It drives people nuts. You don't know what to expect. The mind races. Faster than a speeding bullet, punching through walls like Colossus [make that Sabretooth if you are inherently belligerent and rude], flaying common sense like the Sikh guy who canes bare asses in Changi.

What the hell was I waiting for? I could think of a million things. Of course, I could, it's what I do every day. A 1 and 7 zeros. Spinneroonie. Yet, apologies to Def Leppard but since I prefer to be "2 steps in front", it all got shortlisted to just a few probable outcomes.

1. I feel what we're doing is wrong. [I agree, that's whats so right about it]

2. I can't do this. I still love him. [hmmm, if I put him on my Christmas card list would it make this any better?]

3. Forgive me Father for I have sinned - cue: kneeling on the kitchen floor and hands clasped together. [Spare me the Adam/Eve lecture, though I personally thought Eve's Let Me Blow Your Mind was quite addictive. Really!]

I think I think too much.

Cos then she came back...

With hot water in her mouth.

Bali Buddha

2008-08-04T19:33:00.003+08:00

It's the 7th month. Don't do hungry ghosts. Do inspirational Buddhas instead. Fine craftmanship hailing from Bali.

Touch, feel, rotate, smell then cash and carry. Hosted at showroom in Ubi.

A sample few:

Full range at walk in showroom. Again, ma name puts you on the privilege pricing list.

Click HERE for the usual re-route.

Adieu.

Love Nest

2008-07-03T22:14:00.003+08:00

New age new age. The man is flogging deco now. Weddings, funerals, proposals, dumpings. You name it. We'll sort it out. All for a price of course.

Click HERE.

Barberboard Confessional

2008-07-03T16:17:00.003+08:00

I had a hair cut today. It was a normal routine. Once a month haircut which totally went against my astute principles. Principle being that you shouldn't fix what's not broke. Something the people at work try their best to smash against the brick wall daily spewing crap like "How could we have done this better", but that's a story for a thesis and not a post. Everytime I go for a haircut, a part of me dies. Be it the hidden lice only I can find [or imagine] or that last follicle screaming bloody murder.

Today, I had my hair cut by the quietest of the 3 who ply their trade at the shop. My usual dude was busy trying to figure out what the balding guy meant by "cut short". Stopping short of donning magnifying glasses, he busied himself with all the tools of his trade. He even had time for a neck rub, all in the vain bid to convince the customer his hair was not only short, it was close to negligent and thank you for the 8 bucks [yes sirree, it still costs 8 here. but people I know still feel the need to lie that they're students to lower it down to 6 dungas]

My usual dude always makes me feel like it was the Reverend Paul Mitchell [reverend cos some regard the art work as a religion]. He had this demeanor. This artist like way of moving about. Sliding on the balls of his feet. Whoosh-ing air outa the way. His blades were Ginsu knives. Thing is, he never ever said anything or did anything to make it obvious that he was apparently some artistik genius marooned in a fluorescent tube lighted HDB shophouse. But it was something. It was the atmosphere. The aura if you will.

Today, the dude who cut me spoke "no Engrish". So I had to show him how "duan" I needed my fringe to be. Unknown to me and most of the people I'm surrounded by day to day, this important component of any hair cut apparently dangled down to the lips. I did feel something smacking me on the nose during my runs this week, but I deferred it to God's presence in notifying me I had a fat nose and something needed to be done about it. [apparently, simply NOT facing straight on in photos wasn't going to cut the trick]

A few strokes and snips later, I realized I knew this guy who was ~~butchering~~ barbering my hair. It was me. At first he started with a poise that was usual of anyone attacking a new mop of untended pasture brought to their attention. Soon, I noticed that his comb-ended strokes began to take on a rhythm of monotony. How monotony had a rhythm, you only have to imagine. It was going on this way for a coupla minutes [thankfully he was at the top of my head which doesn't matter to the overall fash hag mag look].

Then suddenly he stopped short and caught himself like my angel fish realizing that brown speck was the fighting fish's excrement and not food flakes. He took charge of the situation. He pondered a split second as to why he had allowed himself to be lulled into this "same shit different head" dream/nightmare. He grabbed hold of himself. Looked again at the objective, the tools he needed to achieve it and went for it out of instinct. He repaired his earlier mis-managed but "not wrong" cuts. He decided to put his personal signature on it.

The instant I saw what was playing out like a dark drama at The SubStation, I knew this was not a guy who sweat the small stuff. [to all engrish xxxperts: does sweat have a past tense?]. I knew he was going to give me the best cut I ever had in record time. He didn't need to bandy about and exhibit haute couture style. He knew what he had to do. And he would just go ahead and do it. Some times along the way, he'd fall into this chasm. This abyss that makes him conform to what everyone was doing. That monotony. But he was gonna break out of it. Sooner or later. Be it when it pricked him enough that he had to get the tattooist to stop. Or when he heard a polyphonic SMS tone that shocked him so hard, he nearly slit his customer's throat [yours truly].

"Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.” - Walter Chrysler

A demain.

Pay Donald Tsang

2008-07-03T04:19:00.000+08:00

HONG KONG - FACED with public uproar over the high salaries of new political appointees, the Hong Kong government says competitive pay is necessary to nurture political talent.

In an effort to attract 'capable and enthusiastic candidates', Chief Executive Donald Tsang last month announced the creation of 17 government posts - eight deputy ministers and nine political assistants.

What Mr Tsang did not expect was the public furore which was to follow.

He has been criticized for providing vague job descriptions for the new appointees. The only thing he has made clear is that they will help to improve accountability and efficiency.

The government has also found itself caught in a public row over the new appointees' 'fat pay packets'.

After initially refusing to disclose salaries, citing their right to privacy, Mr Tsang last week gave in to public pressure and revealed the salaries being paid, but not who gets what.

The monthly pay for the deputy ministers is between HK$208,680 (S$36,400) and HK$223,585.

The political assistants' pay is between HK$134,150 and HK$163,960 a month.

Liberal Party chief James Tien was one of many who questioned whether some of the new appointees offered value for money.

The youngest appointee, Mr Paul Chan, 28, who has been appointed political assistant to the Health Secretary, has drawn the most attention.

His new salary, at no less than HK$134,150, is a sharp rise from his previous monthly pay package as a research assistant and part-time lecturer, estimated to be in the range of HK$20,000 to HK$30,000.

'In the civil service, it is not unusual for someone aged about 30 to have reached the rank of senior administrative officer,' the director of the Chief Executive's Office, Mr Norman Chan, told the South China Morning Post.

Mr Tsang says the public service has to offer competitive salaries in order to attract new talent.

Some political experts agree, saying that Hong Kong's ageing legislature - 24 out of 60 lawmakers are over 60 years old - needs new political talent to stay relevant.

Former senior government officials have also weighed in.

The government 'got off on the wrong foot' when it initially refused to disclose the salaries, said former treasury secretary John Chan, according to media reports.

'Even listed companies have to disclose the remuneration packages of management.'

In another embarrassment for the administration, some of the new appointees have come under fire for holding dual citizenship.

Under Hong Kong law, foreigners can 'serve as public servants... at all levels', save in a few specified posts.

Faced with public outrage for being 'unpatriotic', five deputy ministers who held dual citizenship gave up their foreign passports.

Former civil service minister Joseph Wong said the controversy was a dose of political reality for the new appointees.

'What is lawful may not be right politically. Politics is politics. It's never a privacy or a legal issue,' he said.

In a column in the South China Morning Post, Mr Wong wrote: 'Yours is a political job. And political sensitivity and ability are what you have to demonstrate to win respect, inside and outside the government.'

A comparison of the monthly salaries of some current officials and those of new appointees:

* Chief Executive Donald Tsang: HK$334,758 (S$58,400)
* Financial Secretary John Tsang: HK$298,333
* Legislative Council president Rita Fan: HK$130,526
* New deputy ministers: HK$208,680 to HK$223,585
* New political assistants, including Paul Chan: HK$134,150 to HK$163,960

This article was first published in The Straits Times on June 7, 2008.

A long time coming, this reprint, but where have we seen this all before? But no present day government has ever pulled off having a dud post called "Minister without Portfolio" with dud full ministerial pay. Still observe how far off the HK post-raised salaries are in comparison to our esteemed and royal-blood-coursing-through-veins politicians.

As I asked an astute cabbie once: "Lim Boon Heng chor simi lan?". His reply: "Chor bo lan lor!". Nuff said.

Adieu!

Tai Ler Dirt Den

2008-06-13T01:16:00.002+08:00

And I broke her heart with:

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

To the dude who continously asks me when I'm gonna leave this organization:

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

The misguided bloke who thinks he is happy where he is:

In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway

And then she said [almost verbatim, that made it all the more scarier]:

There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're spectacular in bed. But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help.

When in doubt, seek out Tyler Durden.

Adieu!

Paradigm Shifts

2008-06-06T04:25:00.003+08:00

How do you shift paradigms? What the hell is a paradigm? Why do all the big fuck speeches always involve this phrase as if without saying it the speech wouldn't sound half as important?

A paradigm is simply a set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them. Basically what you assume about what is over there, what you need to do when it is over there and what could be over here. Got it?

Now you shift it. All along till yesterday, you thought your uncle was Archangel Gabriel. Today it shifts to believing he could be a sex fiend preying on your pretty little ass and titties whenever he gives you that traditional hug-and-squeeze combo each time he comes over.

In my workplace, stuff like procedures, "the way we do things around here" and rules and regulations are so common place people take it for granted that it HAS to be there. So now and then, people do flag up stuff that they feel is totally redundant. Stuff that is done for aeons cos "this is the way things are done" that wastes time, energy and most of all the effective hours one spends at work. It's like what I do each night I stay over. Staying over AWAITING a crisis that has a 0.000001 chance of happening that night.

Perhaps the greatest barrier to a paradigm shift, in some cases, is the reality of paradigm paralysis, the inability to see beyond the current models of thinking

Of course, people bring it up from time to time. Only to be faced with the "oldies" who cite the "history" of why things are done this way. Yes, I'm aware too that some checks and balances come about with every new cock up by a human being over the years. Deal with it. Humans are naturally dumb. And the smarter ones will end up ruling the dumb ones. So shall we keep checking and restricting our way, narrowing it to just a pinhole with the vast darkness around it as a safety buffer just cos some prick managed to not think straight and logically in the 1980s? Move with the times woman! And no, it is not particularly helpful or even rewarding to you when you bitch like us and when we question "so how? can you do anything about it since you know the history and geography and the literature penned about this issue?" and you go: "This is not the time to rock the boat".

Roobs put out some fine lines on the matriarch. I've been meaning to KLKopykat them for ages. Here's my opportunity:

i don't think i've been endowed with the innate capacity to handle so many eff ups in the span of one day,nor play the smiley yes man to the matronly authoritative figure,but i guess thats why i'm not fit to the dimensions of a civil service scholarship,not like there are extensive private sector scholarships anyway.stifling bureaucracy is when unflexible old guard is still seen as old gold.this is not the ageist speaking,but the realist speaking out against authoritarianism that does not meet the needs of efficiency,a paradox since authoritarianism is supposed to breed efficiency and subservience to the old guard,something that the civil service is certainly not doing,look at the attrition rate.

Can I safely assume now that to shift paradigms you gotta wield power as a minimum start state? Can wee lil' matchstick heads actually burn your house down? To answer your question, Dear Y, on my apparent lack of ambition and waste of potential. I am in here still, in fact on the eve of my ding-dong duty onset, cos I think someone needs to put this right. I'm not gonna change it overnight. But I damn well can do what I can and it will make an impact. Don't forget, I operate by the power of the people. I don't need to hug trees or go fly out to the Dark Continent and give out condoms and medicines a la your way of doing something with your life. I don't need to be raking in the moolah now too, it channels in just fine by itself [but you fellas really gotta post the fuckin cheques quicker!] without me having to guide it.

This paradigm thing worries me only when you are realistic in realizing that all humans are averse to change. Change being such a voracious animal and humans will always play out the gazelle in "gazelle versus pride of lions". The first few weeks I spent here last November resulted in: "He ah, never does his work swee swee. But still wanna kan people when they fuck up". This be the resistance to change. When you throw out redundancy and actually bother to ask: "Why ARE we doing this? Isn't it a job that we DON'T have to do? Don't do it just cos you've been doing it for ages or were taught to. Go have a fink about it, you batti boy."

I guess we start little by little. I went to bed the other night in the bunk [10 beds long, 2 beds wide] and the stereo was switched on. I figured it wasn't going to affect me dreary self and I would soon be speaking to God [was afraid cos we haven't spoken so long] that I just pulled up the standard green blankie, set the alarm and slept. The next dude that comes in to sleep is my driver. So, he sees me asleep and the stereo on. Thinking that I WANTED the stereo on. He left it on, no matter that he is not a really a person who can sleep with music and tried his best to snooze. Another dude enters the fray. This be my assistant. Now he sees 2 blokes sleeping with the stereo on. Again, this assumption that we both needed the music on makes him try to sleep through a very uncomfortable night cos everytime there is a rock song played, at least 2 of us toss and turn to find a better position to shut out the fuckin music.

There you have it. A basic paradigm. Shift yours while you can. Not all artists are creative and not all writers can write. For that matter, not all idiots are truly stupid, and not all professors know it all.

I found a great powerpoint on how paradigms [and stupidity] are created. Download it off here.

“Our paradigm now seems to be: Something terrible happened to us on September 11, and that gives us the right to interpret all future events in a way that everyone else in the world must agree with us. And if they don't, they can go straight to hell.” - Bill Clinton [attempting to confuse the world into thinking that was NOT how the U.S. of A has been operating for the past 232 years]

Oyasuminasai.

Mile High Fart

2008-06-06T02:18:00.006+08:00

Places to bonk in mid-air? Look no further. Our fine airlines traversing the globe have good worker's quarters [do not even think about some Kaki Bukit Bangla's hostel here] for you to chat up and shag up that sweet chica in expensive batik print. Try not to smudge the lipstick, it's a real bitch to put back on so thick.

KLM

Unfortunately, Air Asia is unable to provide "full" service. Enquire within 12,000 to 15,000 feet altitude to see if a BBBJ is on the cards.

Ja-ne.

Hilton's Shangri-La

2008-06-01T13:13:00.004+08:00

USS Shangri-La. War machine named after mystical utopia.

Perhaps you'd be amused to know that the Annual Asia Security Summit dubbed the Shangri-La Dialogue was in fact hosted at the Shangri La Hotel Singapore. Wait, that was not amusing at all. Perhaps I should try harder. It wasn't mentioned in the mass media though, but the great security and movement of cars was too obvious not to be. So too, the ushers, caterers etc. You get the drift. Tokyo drift.

How ironic though that in the middle of discussions by Defence Ministers and high powered and ranking defence officials, nations are slaughtering, conquering, and wait get this: moving people out of relief centres because they don't want the penniless refugees to GET TOO COMFORTABLE. I was thinking, why don't they do this shit in Singapore. That will get the average apathetic to politics and socialitis citizen to friggin march to the streets and stone the culprits.

Shangri La like Atlantis is a fictional place. Many feel Timbuktu is also, but that's a myth busted mofo. I found it on the map.

Shangri-La is a fictional place described in the 1933 novel Lost Horizon by British author James Hilton. In the book, "Shangri-La" is a mystical, harmonious valley, gently guided from a lamasery, enclosed in the western end of the Kunlun Mountains. Shangri-La has become synonymous with any earthly paradise but particularly a mythical Himalayan utopia—a permanently happy land, isolated from the outside world. In the novel Lost Horizon, the people who live at Shangri-La are almost immortal, living years beyond the normal lifespan. The word also evokes the imagery of exoticism of the Orient. The story of Shangri-La is based on the concept of Shambhala, a mystical city in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition.

Will the Shangri-La dialogue ever be held at The Fairmont for example? [Oh wait, we REALLY don't appreciate so many name changes in such a short time to a real fuckin icon. Westin Stamford to Swissotel Stamford to The Fairmont. Do you even know that The Fairmont Group has a marjority stake in another Singapore icon, The Raffles Hotel and its stake was recently sold to a foreign investment group? How economically sound. Yet, how reflective of how we prostitute cultural icons.] Back to the original question. High chance. Especially since we all know how we snigger when we spot "Katong No.1 Laksa" in the middle of the West Coast [not L.A. but Teban]

Fo sho.

P.S. I am seeking anyone involved in the television industry. Anyone who understands the work processes and flows from conception of the idea to final shooting and airing. You shall be compensated in kind for this kind gift of education I seek.

Great Wave off Kanagawa

2008-05-26T01:55:00.003+08:00

The 36 Views of Mt. Fuji by Hokusai. I need to do up this montage of the 36. I heart Great Wave off Kanagawa [above]. In a 9 by 4 rectangle. Done up all artsy and to be mounted gallery like. Anyone knows where I can go to get it done? A one stop shop thanks. Not print it here and bring it there and mount it there and bring it there and frame it there and bring it there and.... you know what I mean. Block 9 off La Salle doesn't count. Neither does Peace Centre nor that huge ass printer blokes at UOB Centre. kthxbye.

Compilation

2008-05-26T00:59:00.006+08:00

You know I wanted to write about this whole mudderfuckin crazy week. From the nocturnalitis to the booze to the poker to the broads. But I shall digress.

This be the cast of We Will Rock You. Ruby and his stolen shot. Actually still shots aren't criminal, it's those who video it who oughta be whipped. As some shit fuck of a colonel once said "Yes, the rules are written this way. But what was the intent of them writing it that way. You must not grab one sentence or para out of context and interpret it. Interpret the orders in its entirety".

Much thanks to all those who managed to turn up on Friday sans Selva. Not often we get to hijack some establishment's birthday and make it our personal fiefdom. Much love to Mavis [big jump no, admin asst to project whatchamacallit at a civil eng firm] and the rest of the faces I think I recognize but I don't remember your name because my handphone directory is full. Pre-post drunk pics are all on FB so have a go. And yes my nose is genetic.

Other than the ICJ saying, we get the lighthouse and our northern neighbours get a coupla rocks [what does one do with rocks? set up deck chairs and gaze and what could have been?], the world I guess is still hyped up over the top stories:

1. Obama vs Clinton [did she bring up Bobby Kennedy's assassination cos she was psychic?]
2. Earthquake and all natural disasters in the region [I'm going all Buddhist cos apparently only the Buddha statues survived the carnage.]
3. Holland Rd cave in due to Circle Line works [no brainer. Reference: Nicoll Highway]
4. GSS [discount coupons galore. I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante - RuPaul]

This is the event I missed. And I couldn't care less. No love lost looking at the schedule in June. God bless carrying over of leave. 42 mudderfucker days yo. Fo sho.

Now don't go on and on about the GSS. The art of shopping is now for degrees, dips, certs and various "I say you do" upgrade courses. For all that you can't possibly get awarded from a foreign university for, there's Kinokuniya / Borders.

You really wanna know how to make big money out of this booming education industry? Referrals. 300 a pop. Interested already? Buzz me.

Adieu!

P.S. To the affable Priya who said such nice stuff on Friday, get in touch no?

Ipod vs Jaw

2008-05-23T11:39:00.001+08:00

I shouldn't have been listening to my Ipod when you had it caught in your clamp like jaws.

I apologize.

Curious

2008-05-23T04:36:00.001+08:00

This is our world now. The world of the electron and the switch; the beauty of the baud. We exist without nationality, skin color, or religious bias. You wage wars, murder, cheat, lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals. Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity.

Marshal me to ERP

2008-05-19T21:30:00.005+08:00

Started on my week long break. The hiatus from one and all. No exceptions, except pre-approved applications. I marked my last day before the break shocking the hell out of one of the aircraft marshallers we work with.

Aircraft marshallers are the dudes who wear reflective gloves, ear defenders and basically help an aircraft to park. The spot to stop is usually denoted by a little yellow T, quite impossible to guage from the cockpit of an aircraft. Hence, a little thing like the height of an aircraft has spawned thousands of jobs for a needed role. The wonders of job creation. These dudes are also often what controllers are mistaken for by old aunties and uncles and unshockingly also the younger ones like Gen X/Y-ers. A typical conversation:

Ah Soh: Boyyyyy, where you working?
Me: Air force.
Ah Soh: Pilot ah.
Me: No. Controller.
Ah Soh: Oh, the one stand in front and do like this like this one ah. [gestures hands like marshaller]
Me: No. In the glass tower.
Ah Soh: Oh, "roger roger" ah.
Me: Yes, I say it 50,000 times a day.

Fuck all you ~~uneducated~~, ignorant fools.

In other news, Nal and me went on a grand dame tour. The coming of the full moon tour. Butter was boring. New Asia had typical Bhangra-ites [maybe they missed the boat to the gig at Indochine] and Attica was just too smoky. Overall we got smashed. Life's good. Pity we had to ditch the Esplanade material. There's always Google.

Do you notice that anytime guys from work or your buddies need to plan to meet or go someplace and they all drive, the conversation steers to "the route with no ERP". And then you get people with photographic memory trying to close their eyes and mentally drive through the roads in question. Hilarious but important. That 50 cents, that 1 buck goes a long way.

Never ask my Dad for directions. Firstly, it is an opening to let him do his necessary CID work. I believe he harbours an inner desire to be a cop. I relate the occurrence:

Me: Pa, how to get to Park Mall from here without hitting ERP?
Dad: What day you need to go?
Me: Weekday night, about 6 pm.
Dad: What time?
Me: I just told you.
Dad: Oh ya, will kena ERP during that time la.
Me: Don't I know that? That's why I'm asking if there's some way not to go through the gantry?
Dad: Hmmm. Ok, take CTE and come out Cairnhill.
Me: Uh huh.
Dad: Go down Scotts Road then Paterson and turn into River Valley Road.
Me: Ok.
Dad: Then go past your "area" [MS] and make a left turn at Tank Road temple.
Me: Go on. [quite impressed that I'm getting a solution here]
Dad: Then just stop before the ERP and walk over la.
Me: ???!?!#?!@?#?@!?#?!@#!@??!@$?!?#$?#$?#?$? Stop and walk!
Dad: Aiya, just take the bloody train la then don't need to worry about ERP.
Me: I give up.

You know wan. [this is for you Gina]

Kenny Sia versus Mac Dees

2008-05-18T19:56:00.001+08:00

Kenny Sia shows why he's Malaysia's all time favourite blogger. And no, he didn't contest the General Elections. He's too busy doing photoshoots with part time models for all that. Tis be Kenny Vs. Mac Dees, or as you will see, it wasn't him per se.

Click HERE.

Enjoy.

The Randomizer

2008-05-18T14:00:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts boggle. Booger woogie. Nose studs gleam like a satellite. Wisdom teeth and deep throats. No clocks in Vegas joints. KK told me KK takes 40 grand a month scamming punters on Texas Hold'Em. YKK makes millions ensuring your dick stays in your pants. Flutterby becomes Butterfly. The Lord , your God, the Lord of Hosts has two of mine. 6 toed Monroe puts her skirt down. Saw CXO at DXO. My colour state goes up and down like a whore's pants. The Marlboro owner dies of lung cancer. Smoking kills, but kills who?

Where the fuck are her eyebrows? King David used a spade, Alexander clubbed them to death, Charlemagne was Casanova to the French and Caesar's with Kanye's blood diamonds. Honey never spoils. Old wives tales are valid for old wives and beyond their time Majors. Get some, get none. Duty on duty off. Disgruntled drivers and dissident deputies. Sexy (hairless) second left-te-nants. Mao's Mein Kampf. Hydrazine is not purple. Barney is. Barney isn't gay. Dumbledore is. Godiva killed my dog. Lankans shake their heads in approval. All continents end and start with the same letter. Pangaea was Pandora's wet dream. Lick your elbows. Can't. Lick ALL your teeth. Can't. My grave has a horse with 2 legs in the air. Yankee Doodle riding fair. When I move, you move. Just like that.

Arigato gosai mashita. Domo.

McHappy

2008-05-12T20:07:00.003+08:00

What you waiting for?

You know wannnnnnnnnn. And what smart mofo actually managed to invent and successfully market a bun infused with maple syrup.

This is just wrong.

Myanmar Mire

2008-05-08T03:13:00.002+08:00

It's the latest natural disaster to whack mankind and it's closer to home this time. Not as close as the Tsunamis but close still. The death toll is mindboggling, the number reported missing [and most probably dead too] is shocking.

Even the total fatalities recorded for Katrina wasn't as earth shattering [pardon the pun] as what the Burmese have been hit by. Expect a lot of pledging of supplies, food and medical aid to be flowing in [pardon the pun] by observers worldwide. Singapore will be expected to follow suit and not to give the game away, expect a response not unlike how we went forth to help our Southern neighbours during the Boxing Day Tsunami.

The Yangon government though does not seem to be pulling it's weight well enough to be assisting it's citizens quick enough. But wait, this is a charge leveled at every governmental body through every other disaster. Bureaucracy's a bitch to move. And the gears lack good ol' SINGER oil most of the time. The "holy art thou" Buddhist monks have rallied together with the locals to remove trees [which block roads], provide what little aid they can provide and assist survivors to relocate or locate lost belongings and family. Cambodia should take a leaf from this. Don't hurt the monks. They are useful in times of need.

To offer your own aid, please choose reputable organizations and not any tom, dick and harry motherfucker who rattles a recycled aluminum tin under your nose to catch your dripping mucus in this searing heat.

My personal suggestions:

International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent

World Vision

Credible and donations can be via credit card, cheque, wired transfers or any other means listed in their webbies.

The Myanmar Embassy website ought to have been the first cut to information about the disaster their country is facing and the subsequent aid relief efforts, but it is a highly dissapointing site to visit. The only news about the relief effort is hidden in a nook and when you click that link, you get HERE.

Nuff said. The power of the Internet has still not permeated through politicians worldwide. And it's not only the Malaysians who are finally wising up to it.

God Bless.

End of the World

2008-05-07T23:50:00.002+08:00

The end of the world inspires such great creative thought all around. Check out this great anime-skit.

http://www.endofworld.net/

Follow this by reading Nostradamus and trying to decipher if all his verses truly had mega poetic license going on or was he so literal that he shouldn't have been classified a prophet. We all know all the great prophets never said things straight.

Adieu!

Engrish

2008-05-06T00:38:00.003+08:00

Because it is such a global village and it's hosting the Olympics. Big up you batti boys.

Batam Bambinos

2008-05-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

And so once upon a time, four chicanos headed off to the lost land of Batam, one of a thousand islands our southern neighbours had to offer. Rife with rumours of 12 year old sex, second wives [we actually spotted the condo the ah peks put up their sidelines at] and cheapo currency, we let Courier [name protected in case he gets lynched] make the booking.

Alas, this was a man who did not comprehend that the RATIONALE of wanting to go to a 3rd world nation, was so we could spend less and achieve the same. He however was a 5 star traveller. He eats Michelin stars for breakfast, we however make do with Nestle HoneyStars.

The main event was to learn how to ski/wakeboard. Not slow and steady tugged by a powerboat that has seen its beautiful days lost to the algae, but by a cable, to a winch to a circular circuit. Pulled off your ass at breakneck speed, expected to keep your balance and STILL manage some X-Games tricks along the way.

This was not an adventure for the wary. Sore butts, torn groins and boobs popping out of ye bikini tops was all so common. It's no wonder it's fully booked. You pay to get slammed into water. I mean that should be a sport by itself. We'd do famously.

Oh, I haven't introduced the rest of the cast. There was Courier, Jekyll. Nigel [he didn't read The Game so he didn't get awarded a callsign], and me. We tried and tried and tried. Twas like a course we all were so used to hearing about. SCSC. Some Can, Some Cannot.

Courier could. And how lucky we actually figured out how to use the damn video function on the camera in time.

Nigel on his 2nd time around still couldn't. So much for "if you fail, try and try again" and "practise makes perfect". He wasn't reading the right books.

I'd love to talk more about the massage with excruciating pain inflicted on untested soles of feet. The next time someone claims they know reflexology, make sure they don't own a blunt object to dig your pressure points with. I'm sorry, I still managed to sleep amidst all that. How immune to pain, some people can be.

Ultimately, although we spent more then we should, like typical Singapore wankers. I still had a blast. Thanks KJ. Fuck you Courier, for your room that had a jacuzzi while ours only had a bath, fuck you cos you had a safe while mine was "invisible". Haha. And the next time you want to "stay for one more beer" at PP Banana [apparently the island's only lapdance joint], I'll make sure you get the company of Cicy for the rest of your stay.

Full photo stream at:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2860&id=227800219
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2858&id=227800219

Adieu!

Audit Cx

2008-05-01T22:36:00.003+08:00

Dear Alexis, no matter how much you stir me to sign off the way I sign on my credit card; I insist that initialing in the log book is A-Ok this way, as long as I always initial the same way. So, quit it. It's pretty irritating already darling. And keep the tupperware container the kueh lapis came in. My mum buys and stores them, I donate them for the good of mankind.

Nuff said.

Star Gazing

2008-05-01T22:02:00.002+08:00

Hot girl at a party. In one of those, let me show you how poetic my facial expression gets when I gaze at the seldom seen night sky.

She: Waaah. So nice that star. I'm gonna make a wish.
Me: Which one? That one?
She: Yeah.
Me: Not much of an astronomer are you? That aint even a star.
She: Really?
Me: It's a satellite. You know cos the light doesn't twinkle. Forgot your nursery rhymes did ya? One of 40,000 circling the earth together with about 40 tons of space junk.
She: Bloody fucker. Had to spoil the moment right.
Me: I do my best.

Adieu!

ITTP pointers

2008-04-13T17:00:00.002+08:00

The Simpson's GP.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

S Tiga

2008-04-10T18:32:00.002+08:00

I have officially concluded. Me and the men who rise to the S Tiga appointments just cannot get along. All along, I was of the misguided notion that the Tigas [henceforth I will use this term, lest women understand] were like the supreme beings around in operations. I.e. when you are stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, the commanding Tiga steps in to save your ass and collect a Letter of Commendation in the process. Still, your ass is saved and for that you are thankful.

But I've been informed by a trusted source that the role of a Tiga is not to be the Ops Champion aka Numero Uno aka Top Dawg, but it's more of an administrative role to assist the Big Boss to run the joint. This may encroach into discipline, regimentation, operations, training etc., but isn't any one of these roles specifically.

Everyday we learn something new. More educational when it's from a colleague whose future wife and current fuck buddy are in the same night class as him. Restecp. [typo intended. you oughta watch more Ali G]

My first Tiga and me were the proverbial cobra-mongoose colleagues. There was no right and left turn to exit a messy looking situation, it was always head-on head butt. My headset has flew off a few times but I take it under the big umbrella of "tough training".

Quotable quote:

"Sir, relax I know what I'm doing." [on my cat cx no less]
"YOU DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX MOTHERFUCKER! I TELL YOU TO RELAX!" [this is where the headset gets plugged out and flung with reckless abandon. Sorry mate, I know it nearly took off your head. Too late to apologize.]

My Tiga now is for lack of a better word, undependable. More importantly, there is no kan jue that he has your back. After yesterday, I need to add the word "childish" to the already broad list that encompasses this being. Since, I love to make lists, here goes:

1. Apparently, to everyone else in the wide world, if you cannot strike a balance between your numerous meetings, briefings etc and your operational manning requirements, you are labelled as "Bad at Time Management". In fact, some go further to lecture you that this is the 3G way and you haven't the right to complain cos the next man can do it. Doesn't apply to my Tiga. He's got a meeting, "take me off manning". Got a brief? "Take me off manning". So, your primary job no longer is your primary job. Your secondary job becomes your primary job.

2. When the Big Dog had to be away for an extended period of time, legend has it the Tiga runs the joint. However, here we saw the ultimate example of "how not to sign anything on behalf of the Big Dog such that I may be implicated or held responsibility for anything in future". This fear of responsibility really disgusts. Of course I always have a personal anecdote.

"Here sign this, Section 2."
"Hang on a sec while I read it. Sir ah, I actually need to sign Section 1 and there is a way out of this for me if Big Dog puts his mind to it. He needs to sign Section 3 and this issue is smoke in the wind"
"Urm. Really? I haven't read it. **** asked me to ask you to sign Section 1 and return it to her"

WTF! You're implicating me in something when you seated in your bloody high and mighty appointment can't even bother to read a document you're asking your subordinate to sign off on?

3. I have been on a 3 week break from the computer system at work. Again, Murphy has it in for me and I have been granted a reprieve from painful eyes and OpenOffice for a good 20 odd days. But it also means since I have no platform to do work, my work is encrypted within my account [which is locked out], I can't meet certain deadlines. Last week:

"Shanker, where is the report? It's already April"
"Urm, you do realize my computer is locked out right. I can't even give you any figures or statistics because without the previous month's figures I am none the wiser"
"You mean you can't use someone else's computer to do it?"
"What have I been saying? It is encrypted under my name, I can't do shit with someone's account. Ok ok, tell you what, send me last month's report, let me expertly doctor it and send it back to you"

Deed is done within the next 15 mins. The smart dude sends a mail out to me [wtf? how will i read it when my account is locked?] and my direct superior stating that my attitude is quite apalling and I didn't put any effort into this whole thing. Particularly Para 38.

Amazing thing? Para 38 aint even my purview. I rest my case.

4. Childish. After bullet no. 3, the fresh week is born. Thank god I haven't been paired with the Tiga when telling 400 km/h jets to not knock into 100 km/h transport craft, or I'd have dropped dead at the indecision, the incompetence and the general shaky atmosphere that permeates thru the environment when the Tiga's on seat [so much for operational numero uno urban myths]. Yesterday however the chain was broken and with only one chopper and one more slow mofo coming in to land, I was stirring the piping hot char siew rice darlin Raymond Tang got for me. Expertly mixing gravy, chilli, egg yolk and barbecued pork bits is a talent, especially when you're 8 stories high and watching the red sunset disappear off the western coast. I had just put spoon to rice, scooped and it was headed to my mouth when some squeaky rat phuck went:

"Can you eat after the charlie has landed?"

Stunned a bit. But cos I don't show irritation or annoyance to those specifically egging me to it, I popped the styrofoam box and just waited for the damn fella to land off. The rest of the blokes weren't too adept at hiding their emotions though. I swore Nachos would have questioned the Tiga even before I had. And Poison had a lot to say about it in the still of the night. Me with my beef noodles, she with her coffee and biscuits.

More importantly, even excusing the obvious childish "I'm marking you" behaviour that is the Tiga towards me now, exudes the absolute lack of thinking about the aftermath.

What if I had turned around and gone "Why?". Just that simple question would have jammed him, thrown the situation to mayhem and got the Tiga looking like a fool in front of 2 other subordinates. But I didn't. Cos I understand the concept of face. You obviously don't. I've done you this favour you turd, it won't happen again though.

Ok, that was too fast a factual descriptive passage suddenly turned into furious rage. Oooooooooh saaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ooooooooooooh saaaaaaaaaaaah.

If you call me or pick up a call from me this week, be prepared for the wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup a la classic Budweiser ad.

Adieu!

Bucket Shitlist

2008-04-08T20:37:00.003+08:00

Let's do lists.

1. Freerice.com is a good site. Not because it donates grains of rice to the impoverished bloated [surprising how you get fatter i.e. bloat when you don't eat enough. Scary for ultimate dieters], but because you get to play a uber cool vocabulary game. Try it. I am hovering around Level 40. Really gets you crashing down to earth knowing that 40 is probably the median level across the globe. Damn, my language sucks.

2. Bucket List with 2 old men who have seen and made them all in the short years I've spent growing up. Both have cancer. Both are now on their "Kick the Bucket List". Cliched list of stuff you wanna do when you have nothing to lose and want to leave this life thinking you have made an impact and have seen it all.

They travel all over the fuckin world seeing sights they never would have if they didn't write this list. Even Hongkong, though for what I had no idea. No one spoke about Singapore ever. But seriously, if you would want to do something before you died, most probably your list would be filled with natural wonders. The mountains in the Himalayas, the Great Wall of China, the grasslands of Africa and the Grand Canyon. These are tangible surroundings providing intangible feelings. What the hell would you come to Singapore for? A question for the STB to answer probably. IS there really anything here that someone close to death would want to come and see or do before he passes away? Is anything here befitting of a sense of achievement? Breakfast with Ah Meng probably is the best a CIVIL SERVANT will come up with. But the other orang utans got together and poisoned him with arsenic slowly. Booyakasha.

I hate fucking movie reviews that go on and on about the plot, the build up, the character developments and even the wardrobe. Crap. Here're some quotes. Cos the script is the only thing that makes a movie, period.

When Freeman disagrees with Nicholson on something:

Edward Cole: The sequel was like that. She never backed me up on anything.
Carter Chambers: The sequel?
Edward Cole: The second Mrs Edward Cole.
[Carter rolls his eyes]
Edward Cole: Hell, that woman hated me.
Kyle the parachutist: Maybe because you called her the sequel.

In an ought-to-be emo scene, Nicholson's assistant speaks:

Thomas: I'm proud of you.
Edward Cole: Nobody cares what you think.

When discussing reincarnation and how people move either up/down a step through their different births:

Edward Cole: What does a snail have to do to reincarnate? Leave the perfect trail of slime?

Adieu!

Mooting Morals

2008-04-08T12:08:00.002+08:00

Betrayal. There, i was thinking the whole night on the most appropriate word to utilize in yesterday's scenario. I bet the protagonist doesn't think it was betrayal, it'd be the last thing to occur to her.

Here's the sorry ass tale for all you voyeurs who relish your 5 min peek into my exciting life.

Let me be A and let 2 others be B and C. Let the onlooker be D.

So, with A's instructions, B and C carry out something. There was possibly a thin, very thin line of risk of involved. In our speak, it wasn't a double condom operation. So, B goes away thinking nothing's wrong. C was concerned just a lil bit but not enough to raise a big hoo haa over. Enter D.

D being a level up from me manages to work the word "uncomfortable". And she worked it in her post-op phone calls to B and C that effectively managed their conversion from "nothing happened ma.." to "oh! now that WAS uncomfortable. you for real?".

Who's the bullseye? A.

Now consider that A and D work together whereas B and C are calafare other beings. Why the need to push your opinion and moral issues onto another who is your own colleague, effectively changing the opinion of history.

I give up. Positive negative lesson learnt: If you got an opinion that MIGHT bring another down, just keep it to yourself till you reach for the beer or the fags. No one is paying you to be their moral compass.

"I'd love to answer that question Sir, but it's not within my pay grade to do so" - 1WO XXX

Adieu!

Fighting Spirit

2008-04-06T14:15:00.003+08:00

Fighting Spirit.

And during the interval, the cheerleaders will pick a member of the crowd and go:

"You see that tree over there.............?"
"Uh huh"
"By the time we squeal 1 to 10, you get there touch it and run back here or that's your weekend burnt"
"Uh huh"

Sundal Sunday

2008-04-06T10:54:00.003+08:00

1. I told Rakoon to open the shop at 830 am. He tells me he wants to do it at 845 cos he wanted to be a prick. Fine, go ahead. Then why the hell was I woken up at 7 am?

R: Bro, send the vehicle, I'm at the gate.
S: Huh? What? [why is my hand in my pants?]
R: Come lei.
S: I'll think about it. Don't disturb me.

But I can't really pull off "asshole" when I've just woken. Yukio Mishima fresh in my mind [book conveniently lifted from O Mess, not to be confused with the prostituted O Drive]. Crazy ass delusional motherfucker. Like me.

Apologies Alvin. For making you make the trip. I hope your morning breath wasn't too infective.

2. The mum's birthday is today. Filial piety frothed to the brim, in the mouth out the nostrils at about 7 am, the witching hour. So, she thanks me for my early wishes and asks me what I want for breakfast. Prata was the call. Soon, Tay [the beached whale in the Del Mar pics] asks what I would like for breakfast too. The cliched "1 set of anything and coffee".

I got 2 egg pratas. I come home to 4 more waiting for me. I need a petal shower. Kuan Yin hates my guts.

3. Ruby is being quite emo about getting late in-times. He ought to stop. The probability is quite even that one of the 3 gets to do it. But of course, for it to happen on a Monday needs some intervention to hit the 33% jackpot.

Hope you like the damn thing Mumbly. I had to bring it in from the States.

In happier times. Actually, it was my alleged "farewell" day.
Work the moment, bitch.

Adieu!

Kao Chai Mai?

2008-04-05T20:36:00.004+08:00

The OC comes to me today and asks if I have any shower foam. I thought of taking a crack at foamy loamy seas and da "Keep It Real" Orange County, mischa ~~barton~~batty girl but that single gold bar was quite a convincing mouth shutter-upper.

The man after painstakingly purchasing a piano for his twin cuddley-doos needed to go to church like every good Christian dad should. But he needed a shower. Perhaps he wasn't aware of my once-in-a-week shower routine, all inspired by the recent Earth Hour and my Bono underwear. I passed him a blue bottle. He was "appalled", to quote another superior who managed to send me an e-mail on my disgusting attitude, to the account which has been under the control of "how to switch off an ipod" computer rocket scientists for the past week.

If you aren't following, that was the fuckin intention. If you think you have an idea on what's going on, you're wrong. Otherwise, you're right where you oughta be. Here. With me. hug hug kiss kiss. kthxbye.

So, anyhow, upon firm recommendations that the miscible liquid swirling in a Claremont Hotel frisked container was similar to most all-in-one, face/body/shithole dispensers that are abused daily by the heels of grimy palms, he went for a much needed shower. That wily old boy.

I can only hope his wife doesn't take a whiff and decide he has been indulging in "foreign talent". It would be a real problem for the piano tuner.

For every Khap Khun Kap, there's a Mai Pen Rai Kap in the brewerkz.

neung song saam see ha hok jet paet gow sip. There's a little Cantonese in everybody.

Chai.

In other news, me and Nattapon have a Songkran date. Feel free to join in. Sunday the 13th.

I.M.D. Walrus

2008-04-05T20:32:00.002+08:00

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.

Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess.

Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.

I am the walrus,

goo goo g'joob !

Career People

2008-04-04T13:01:00.005+08:00

THE CAREER GIRL

THE CAREER YOGI

THE CAREER SOLDIER

Damn, I gotta pick up the game. It is pretty alienating when you'd like to get outa your pants, bare your Diesels, get into comfy PT shorts and you have no idea why the service changes after X number of points. Rueben is the bullying, soft speaking, hard hitting teacher. Another challenge, another quarter.

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." - Henry Kissinger

Who is She?

2008-03-30T14:28:00.003+08:00

Standby weeknights.

Just in Singapore.

9 pm.

Who the fuck is Rayson Tan's [Jian Hui] evil malicious wife who tries to steal the $5 mill vat for herself with her snotty lover?

Winner gets a Toblerone. Losers read Kafka out loud to me. A chapter a night.

K thanks thanks.

I would say watch this spot, but I know i aint gonna be back for the next few weeks at least.

Adieu!

P.S. Before you wonder. Yes. I'm "enter" key happy.

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay

2008-02-17T18:55:00.000+08:00

She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,
how the devil himself could be pulled out of me [like that's so hard :p]

Einstein the Bird

2008-01-31T13:41:00.001+08:00

Aptly named Einstein, do not fast forward or you'll miss critical portions of this brainiac.

Valentine's Day Flowers 2008

2008-01-31T12:25:00.000+08:00

WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS FOR 2008!

Why wait for prices to rise to the sky near Valentine's Day?

Do you forget about flowers every year only to pay through the roof for a last minute bouquet?

Are you a student and unable to afford the heavily priced ready made bouquets?

Place your order now for the most affordable option around and you won't even have to worry about forgetting to send flowers.

On the spot confirmation of order after payment is received.

Click Here:

Ah Neh's Shop

Drive me Crazy

2007-12-29T19:36:00.000+08:00

Now you know why they shouldn't drive? Go ahead flip your finger with no reservations at all felines behind the wheel.

NB: This post went up only because you said this was becoming a joke of the day site. I had to re-read the message to see if what you meant was it was becoming a joke. My problem? Grin.

Blue Heeler

2007-12-29T18:20:00.000+08:00

A ranter I'm impressed with: The Blue Heeler.

Commentary on both sides of the Johor Straits coupled with evidenciary links that take you to sites you wouldn't normally trawl for info.

Adieu!

Kid's Say The Darndest Thing

2007-12-29T18:00:00.000+08:00

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

- Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that. Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.

- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8 *my personal favourite, the child genius

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

2007-12-26T15:49:00.001+08:00

Stand by one. Minor overhaul and deleting of spare parts past their warranty in progress on this page.

Carcinogen

2007-12-24T14:23:00.000+08:00

Laughter, peace, motherfuckin' fun and ME. Something everyone needs more of.

Seen at the workplace, pasted just below the window ledge in the rest room where we eat, rest [doh] and catch up on ChannelNewsAsia:

Please do not throw your cigarette butts out of the window.
The cockroaches are getting cancer.

Adieu!

We are the Bhai of Mumbai

2007-12-23T18:01:00.000+08:00

When gangsters wax lyrical. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the subtitled version. Just ask a friend will ya.

Adieu!

Christian Calling Cards

2007-12-23T17:22:00.000+08:00

The Bible has many urm, interesting passages:

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message : 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins with : 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads : 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Push Ups

2007-12-22T20:07:00.000+08:00

A: Good morning to you Sir.
Me: Let's dispense with the formalities. Just give me 20 push ups.
[pregnant pause]
A: Urm. I don't use those.

HHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. KNN. I have not laughed liked this since like urm Wacko Jacko was still black.

Adieu!

Are You Clear?

2007-12-21T17:34:00.000+08:00

Because everyone needs a credit card they don't really need.

New Sintercom

2007-12-20T16:30:00.000+08:00

I write for New Sintercom too.
Click HERE.

Modern Protocol

2007-12-20T12:27:00.000+08:00

Modern Protocol

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever ! you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong! and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

Adieu!

Dear Walter

2007-12-20T12:10:00.000+08:00

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Lesson learnt? Ask the right questions of the right people. Otherwise, just say "I'd love to answer that but it's not within my pay grade to do so"