Fucked Up

Haywire la. Everything has gone haywire. Why why why. Why do I meet such a foe? Someone too old for me to hit, someone too dumb for me to talk logic too, someone who doesn't understand the words flexibility, friendship, fuck off?

I wasn't at work on Thursday, and today and Wednesday. Call it a gentle rebellion if you will. You want official certification, I'll give it to you photostats and all motherfucker. Of course, when you attempt to pull a stunt, albeit as legal as this one, do try to have a good network of friends hanging around the office covering your ass.

As it seems, the P man went to bitch bout me. Not to the old boss mind you. But the new one. WTF right! He asks for some alone time, throws Edi and ML out of the office and proceeds to talk about my discipline or apparent lack of. See, this is all fine if I was in an early morning sleep drowsy state. As luck would have it, I was drowsy but not cos of too much sleep, rather due to lack of sleep. Once I got beeped of these proceedings, I just HAD to call office, and speak to the P-man. Speak isnt the word I'd use though. I believe it should be "fuck up". Yes, in no less than 3-4 languages, vulgarities sprinkled like mozzarella on a hot pan curry chicken. Also somewhere in there I had happened to voice "You just wait in office for me, I'm coming in now, you wait ah, don't go anywhere".

Would you guess what happened? P-man took 1/2 day leave and ran off. Ran off. This motherfucker who dares to bitch and complain and stab about an issue that apparently was none of his concern in the first place, runs off at the first sign of a confrontation. But before he ran off, he managed to call a few people who are mutual to me and him and try and rally support. These same few people called me later at night, asking me not to do anything drastic that this is in fact quite normal in his way of doing things. My only response, "then his way has to stop doesn't it?".

The oldies are now planning a big peace settlement table talk at some external non descript coffeeshop over prata and coffee on Monday. I think I shall go and state my stipulations.

1. If we wanna have a talk, you don't talk. Only I and the external parties do.
2. You and me, no more even my first name basis. You call me Sir, I'll call you Oi.
3. This is my one and final warning. You attempt to fuck me again. I'll fuck your first wife up. And I mean stranded upside down up. [Read: Good luck to your Kelisa mofo after I'm done with it]

On a another note, I happened to by coincidence take a cab with and club with a quite well known celebrity in Singapore recently. I'm sorry Nal, i didn't call, but it was 2 in the bloody morning =). Anyhow, it is then that I realized that strength doesn't really come with age nor the ability to have a rock hard heart. He was telling me what gets him riled up, about tongues wagging and shit and all. All I wondered was, you're looking to me for support? I'm 24 man. Who do I look to? Seriously, no one. It just became a way of life. Just brush it off, even though I quite enjoy it too. Gossip makes me famous.

It's been a long time since I walked up the steps to the Subordinate Courts. None of the times was because I had to be in attendance. This time around, I had managed to get in the wrong car. If I had got into that white Lancer and got into that blue Comfort, I think I'd have had an earlier night than usual. Alas, things never go the way I planned. And as expected, case postponed. KNN. God praise the Singapore legal system.

We should try the American way: You walk infront of a business establishment --> You slip and fall outside that establishment ---> You sue that establishment --> Now you own that establishment. A nation where stupidity pays. Comments paraphrased from a Drew Carey episode.

On the more serious note, it seems I had just begun to smell my first million dollars when the scent just wafted away. All cos of a dumb ass location. Haiz. Fucking patronizing class-conscious Singaporeans. Oh well, no time to beat around the bush still. I is HAS to get something done. And I don't care how I get it done by. If you believe you have even a small inkling of how to write a solid business plan, gimme a shout. I'll pay. Don't worry. I don't subscribe to free lunches either.

Adieu!

Fuck Spain

And I thought Holland was always my bogey team. Spain is probably another great under achiever in the world stage. I mean what the hell man. I hate it when the dissapointment arrives through an sms which I view in the morning rather than watch the game live so I can curse and swear in real time.

The war has begun. What happens when someone keeps hounding the D for Disicipline theorem with you. You go on MC. A nice solid, written by a doctor, perfectly certified and legal one no doubt. This is to show that you play by the rules. Alas, Edi was not too happy. Though, he kinda softened after I tried to logically point out that I might have got the sorethroat bug from him after we shared that lemon tea bottle yesterday.

Don't push us, cause we're close to the edge
We're tryin, not to lose our heads

I get the feelin sometimes that make me wonder
Why you wanna take us under

Can't nobody take my pride
Can't nobody hold me down
I got to keep on movin

There She Goes

6 months back was it not. I was smitten. Very. It was the hair. It really was. Not the height, not the clean fresh face, not the subtle smile, not the delicate elegant demeanour. It was the hair. Silky. Flowing. Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Wife-like close. Sister-like concern. Mother-like nagging. Cousin-like presents.

The conversations. The songs. The pokes, the prods, the digs. My drunken walks. Her sunken void deck.

The tresses changed. The dresses didnt. I thought I saw something. I thought I didnt. Parted with the staff, the sea. Rollin good times.

It's back again. That feeling. The touching. The bumps. The meals. The jibes. The questions. It's still the hair. But more than that. I think. We'll see.

There she goes
There she goes again

Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains

Pulsing through my veins

She calls my name, pulls my train
No one else could heal my pain

Chasing down my lane
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains

Temper Temper

Tempers flared today. And it was violent. As I am a now the exemplary D for Discipline boy, I was in office like at 730 liao. This is compared to my usual 830 stroll ins.

Some early morning smokes with Rene, who managed to register his absolute disgust at not wagering a big enough sum the night that passed. Apparently, now Rene dreams of soccer results. The last time he dreamt about a 4-4 soccer match. The scoreline came out in a Singapore Cup match. This time around he claims it was raining and then Ukraine won. Ukraine did win. But lan jiao it rained. He was adamant that instead of dreaming at night while it was too late, he should instead take an afternoon nap so he can dream up the night's results. We is all wishing him much luck in his cockanathan fantasies.

P-motherfucker, even though he got rapped for coming in late to work the last time, strolled in at 815. The nerve. The last time he got fucked, he put the blame on me, reminding me to make it earlier the next time. The nerve. Today he still came late. The nerve. Ok, before my nerves popped, cos if you insist you can teach me to scratch my back, you damn fuckin well be spotless clean yourself, I went for another smoke. Bad move.

Beep Beep. Ed smsed me "Can you come back here FAST!". I threw 3/4 of my stick away and dashed. Never been so active, I , before breakfast before. Went in to see this:


P: E, come here and sit down for the briefing.
E: No!
P: Come here now!
E: No! What you gonna do about it!
P: I said come here right, you better have some respect, I need to brief you about something important!
E: Eh, hello. I left 10 days here only. Just brief the new guy la, don't waste my fucking time!
P: [Rushing over to him] I'm telling you again right! You come there now and listen to my briefing!
E: Wah! You want to slap me izzit! Slap la slap!
P: You don't force me to proceed ah!
E: Proceed la! Proceed back home! No one wants you here! Don't come up with stupid things everyday! You're not even in the loop about anything you dare to brief things like as if you do all the work! Fuck you la!

ME: Come, lets go eat.
E: Yey!
Me: Wah, the Ukraine match was quite power packed ah. [and then breakfast flows while the mystery important briefing of the century went on]

You'd think this early morning episode of utter degrading disrespect was enough for the old fogey to simply hide under some corner of a table and cry like a whimpering child who lost his last token at the funfair. But no! My boss walks in like an hour later, and he talks a lot. My godpa talks. We all listen. Especially me. I listened a bit more intently, hoping there is some work for me to do. And yes, subliminally there was. Yippe!

P-man's fingers kept flying across the keyboard though. He looked hard at work. Till we realized what the fuck he was hard at work about. The same issue I asked him to just shut the fuck up and move on like an abusive ex-bfren, he raised again, this time in an email, adequately carbon copying my boss and my new incoming boss.

This was the fate of that email:

ME: Ah, KNN, nabei spend whole morning to type this bullshit. A lot of time ah that bastard. *Hit Delete*
Edi: Waste my time. *Hit Delete*
ML: Huh? What's that? Sir, don't delete lei lemme read first. [I proceed to hit delete and delete all deleted items too]
Boss: *Grunt*Hit Delete*
New Boss: "Urmz, P-man, actually what the fuck are you talking about. Since the first day I've walked into this organization, this is the way things are what. What has changed? Unless I am making wrong assumptions?"

Hahahaha. My new boss cracks me up la. Mainly cos he DIDN'T hit delete and bothered to be sarcastic about it. I'm sure me and him is gonna have a great July.

The day is still not done. Now, the P-man cannot stay in office without getting stared at till he's so uncomfortable he leaves. Explains why the D for Discipline, S for Soldier superhero worker managed to take lunch from 12 all the way till 3. Even I don't dare be that Champion ah! KNNBCCB. Of course, RAW is WAR now. Guess who alerted my boss to his non-presence? Damn. The next few days are gonna be real fun. I hope. The alliances are set. It's all against one. I just hope he doesn't get mentally unstable and do something stupid like shove a sharpened pencil into one of our ears. That would hurt. Many many.

RT's statement of the day: "Poobs has had his pubes ripped off one by one". Ouch!

Forza Italia

Is it that Edison buy Totti to score at any time for 17 fucking dollars odds?

Is it that I want to show everyone how it is the star of the punters plays his money?

I have since given up chasing the fool's dream of being a professional gambler like Clement advised me to. It is too costly on the people around me. Don't get addicted. Your girlfriend feels a lot of pain, especially when you snooze on a 10K debt and she's up wondering what the fuck she's doing with such a maniac.

Do note that there is not a single bet above ten dollars. This is to show pure skill and not monetary gain.


These were the ones already settled when I posted this. These are the ones yet to be settled:


Total amount wagered: $86
Total number of bets: 18
Total amount won back: $153.94
Total profit: $67.94
Win Rate: Approx. 80%

Now, aint that good rates or what. Bow down to the Prince of Punting.

Ah, the sweet sorrow of gambling.

Rita! Get better. Morning morning wake up and smell some rich coffee. It helps. After that douse yourself with Axe Oil. *Hugs*

Today WILL be a better day. Cos, I said so. I hope so. Fingers crossed. Thank god Edison is back to the office. I've missed the bloke.

Ming the Merciless

Thank god for like minded individuals. I could have only tackled and ended the day with sanity if it was for them.

Then in the afternoon, I had the comfort of Rajes's company. After work, over 3 beers was Clement. The after work bit was quite weird though. There we were, 3 men. One retiring in 1-2 years, one forced to leave after his contract didnt get renewed, and one somewhat in the infancy of a career but dying to cut loose and run. It was weird till Clement had to comment aloud, "Is it that all 3 of us are on the same frequency here?". That was it. Break out the beers I say. Duty unpaid better still. Still Grade C beer is always Grade C beer. Nothing like the Grade As we're used to. And for habitual stout drinkers, Tiger has become as effective as a piss inducing cold water drink.

How I wish now I am working in the private sector. Where if your fellow colleagues push you to the limit of no return then you can just land them the ole one-two, spit in their face and go "KNNB! Who want to work here? You pay me double also I won't come back here ah" and stomp off to the horizon to link up with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

Ruckus. A word I used today. On the P-Man. And he got affected. And he came to me with the whole you cannot speak to me that way. What is it that you meant? What is it you are tryin to put across. I find it fuckin weird that I am forced to handle questions from an illogical bufoon who is so far back in time, even the dinosaurs would have spat their phlegm at him and sent him back further. Back to the days of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden where he probably had nothing to do but count the number of fruits and shrubs and plants and note them into an inventory list. Eventually he did go mad, cos it's such a flexible and fluctuating list. Coupled with his big soda-bottle glasses that oughta have Eve's titties in full zoom mode everytime she was prancing about. As such, that he was teleported over here, I now believe in the Twillight Zone and in alternate dimensions and also that the Devil does exist.

To manage. It is hard to manage someone like me. This i know to be very true and I shan't shun the fact. However much I have a problem with authority, what happens when the "authority" aint supposed to be sitting in the "authority" chair at all. I.e. He assumes he is the authority by default. Just cos, the boss is out of office.

This is for anyone and everyone who is already in my organization, whether slaving away at the whims and fancies of the gahmen or thinking of procuring what they call a "iron rice bowl". By the way, the iron has started to rust. Like any big corporation, many have got laid off and asked to fuck off already coupled with a golden handshake.

1. Have many friends.

Sounds cliche. But something important to note always in any work environment. If you think more than 50% of your colleagues hate you or your guts, transfer out. Or start being the one who buys lunch, buys the cookies, replenishes the perishables in the pantry and what not. You will only realize the true value of having people watch your back when crisis hits. And that is why, this crisis passed on like how Katrina missed one or two teeny weeny islands on the way to New Orleans. I'm still thinking whose face I glimpsed on in the morning, for me to have the aggressor's own subordinate work out a masterplan for me. It's days like these that there is no 4D draw for me to test my pensive luck also.

2. Kill your enemies. Quick.

No man is an island. Fair enough. Be the sea that engulfs the motherfuckers then. Don't play nice boy/girl. This is not work, this is war. Be aware that every step you take, there are motherfuckers who hate the way you are, the position you are at and the people you are chummy with. Your own superior could be your no.1 enemy. Learn how to spot enemies fast. You never wanna be in a situation where a "friend" is actually an "enemy". This is where backstabbing comes into play. Why does it happen? You exposed your back first. So, be wary. And when you have decided who is who, prioritize. And go in for the kill. Keep any email that can even be vaguely incriminating. Any instance of a slight deviation from the prim and proper rules and regulations, note down in a little 555 notebook. Trust me. Leverage is everything.

3. Know the law.

Practice and procedure are 2 different things. In the highly theoretical world, everything flows by the book. Alas, not so. The book was printed to mainly "cover your backside" in case of any large cock ups. Trust me, there will be. So, don't deviate too much from the book. Best way to piss off an errant employee. Follow the book when he doesn't. Quote by-laws and directives like scripture. Take shortcuts when he doesn't. Take it slow when he does. One day he will blow. IT happens. We're human. And then throw the book at him. Show him why BY LAW, he can't touch you cos you have DONE NOTHING WRONG. For example, using my example, why would I need to produce certification that I was sick and dying of some fever or the other in bed, when the records show that I was NOT. That I was present. Throw the big black book when you have to. Heed this well, and you'll never see the inside of a cell, ever.

4. Go above and over your duty for your superiors.

Call it bootlicking. Call it ball grabbing. Call it what you wanna call it. If someone likes that book you're reading. Lend it to them. If someone likes those cookies you're eating, buy them a pack tomorrow. If someone plays golf, Tiger Woods is your new best friend. If someone loves to gamble on soccer, offer to go buy the ticket during office hours. Gives you something to do, lets him not concentrate on this trivial matter. Your boss is your superhero. For those 9 hours at least. Make him feel like one. What would Batman do if Robin always second guessed him? What would Cyclops feel if Jean Grey didn't wanna give him some?

5. Choose an identity and work it.

See, people have different ways and ideologies and ethics by which they work. So, some predominantly sway to being a hero, a villain, a nerd, a sucker, an idiot, an incompetent fool. The list goes on. But choose your identity early. If you know your dominant trait is effortless bootlicking. So be it. But whichever role you choose, do it classily. You still need friends, back to Point 1. I have chosen the villainous way. Mojo Jojo always made more sense than the PowerPuff Girls. So did The Penguin, Joker, Mr. Freeze, Magneto and Ming the Merciless to name a few. I seem to be bloodthirsty to langgar with people. I don't know why. I attribute it to that people shouldnt even have that thought in their head. A bit delusional yes. But how will I ever guage who was the stronger one if I don't langgar first. Not like I look for it. It just comes. Joker doesn't call Batman and say he's gonna rob the bank. He just goes and does it. And then the Batmobile revs into action. See, if someone pops into my path, what can I do? For now, I have great plans for a little blue Kelisa sitting in a carpark in AMK. Overturned? On the side? Sunny side up? Poached? Scrambled? I don't know. I'll know when I get to it.

Chupa la Pinga!

WC: England Ecuador

This is my new intiative. I'm going to dish out my own WC predictions. Cos, I feel like it. After 10 odds years of punting on soccer and losing 10s of thousands on that damn ball game and also having 10 thousand friends tell me about the perils of gambling, I think I should have enough to go on about this game.

If you follow my predictions, good. If you follow and win, my account number is awaiting my share. If you follow and lose, what kinda fool are you anyway? Not like I'm Sepp Blatter of part of some Hong Kong matchfixing triad right?

Tonight: England vs. Ecuador
Ball odds: England -1

Prediction:
Eat ball! Win all! Eat England's balls. Crouch don't have any left to but at least Gerrard's ones are robust enough. Don't try Terry's, they're Vinnie Jones like. Pure hard 20 years old cured horse hide.

Also buy Gerrard to score. This is a good bet seeing how he manages to sneak one in and its usually the second goal near the end. So, buy "1 goal to be scored after 80 minutes" also. Buy total goals to be OVER also. The benchmark is 2.5. Ecuador is a highly attacking team so they oughta score, if they don't then England hopefully will take them from behind, catch them unawares in their counterattack.

Max bet on this game: $500. Don't bust the bank just yet. It's a slow game.

Predictor's success: Last night was good. Eat Argentina ball and buy draw. Earned on foolish bum placing on Sweden too.

Adieu!

Late Addition: Match is over. If you had bought all I told you too. You would have lost. Which is why we have something called half time betting and bet in play. Thus, I still made my bundle. By pouring all I had into 1 goal. God I love myself. The odds were a little over 4 dollars I believe.

Rape Me

My problems have been solved. Over a coke and coke. Yes, that's a double shot of coke. Drink it neat, on the rocks, in a rock glass, in a champagne flute. Coke is coke.

To all who offered their help. I thank you. It's nice to see I'm worth the time and the thoughts. To all who are still clueless, you are clueless cos I know you'd never have a clue about what I need anyway. So stay that way. If I need to know about the best cuticle lotion to use, I might give you a shout sometime.

Last night was quite interesting in the very least. Suru turned up at my place, hence I had to rush through the pre-club dressing up. Actually is nothing much la. I wore me a nice short sleeve shirt, but still it didnt meet his approval. He did ask the million dollar question though. Make that two.
"Why is it that when you have money you spend it on beer and not clothes?" and
"What ARE your priorities now?".

I doubt he believed any of my answers, but yeah, I said it as it is. I'm not in need of retail therapy and I hope tomorrow's meet with the brothers goes well and ends well. My multi million dollar dream might just materialize, or it might land me in bankruptcy. Either way I'm a gonna wake up and come up with another multi million dollar idea. Ideas are free and abundant in my delusional world. A stapler cum nail clipper anyone?

Either way, Suru went from "Actually I'm fine with coke the whole night" to whackin a coupla glasses of jim beam under coke from dear Shawn's bottle. And then the night went on overdrive haywire. Ravi kept calling like a mad fuckin canine about soccer odds. Well, the more desperate you are to bet, the more I'm gonna help you lose it. And so he lost. How many times does a single phone call net you 100 bucks. That's like 2 weeks allowance for some of my poor stifled friends.

And then my lovable RT turned up with Manjen in tow. Fuck the counter bastard I say. KNNBCCB. Think I who. Ask me cover all. But anyhow, my word is my word. And thus they went in. And I hope they both had a good time. As the tainted lover, I managed to plump a nice juicy one on her cheek. Obi good. Next time be more alert, when people give you jug to drink, don't let them hold the base and "help" you tilt it. Booya! I knew EXACTLY what I was doing.

Suru left after the match. It was a good match. No one knew WHOM I had money on. Truth is. No one. I just like having a serious look and shouting "Cheebai", "Penalty", "Foul", "Motherfucker Germany" just to piss off the entire rest of the club who had bought 3-0, 4-0 scorelines. Like my good friend Sofian. Ah, yes, was good seeing him too. If there's one Malay guy I know who could pull it off in Bollywood, it's him. The days were those when he and me played the field together.

Off to Bedroom Bar in a pretty rush job. 15 people, 1 van. Jas and Sop were gone by then. Spewing nonsense. Nonsense in Malay. So, it really doesn't bother me. I just look at them like they are some Uzbekistan tourist lost in Singapore with that sarcastic sneer. It was drizzling by then too. Actually I think it drizzled the whole night long. Very irritating to constantly wipe my spectacles. I hate spectacles, but I also can't wear contacts. No discipline. No big news right. Me and my discipline issues.

As usual, since I was a nice boy, I was "attempting" to keep an eye out for a friend of a friend. Till I got chided. And warned not to. And yeah, what can a man do. Notti 9 was ok-ok la. I played pool. I took over this one guy's turn and showed him the ways of the game. Later he played me and I lost. Gee whiz. Hahaha. But there are ways to lose such that you can always blame it on "the ball is round", "the stick is senget", and "the cloth no good, never maintain ah".

Supper at Shah Alam. An oddity in itself. For the first time, the Nasi Goreng and Mee Goreng arrived faster than the prata. Imagine that? There was also too much prata to go around. Yes, it seems freebies are attracted to the groups I'm with. Freeloading is bad. Pay for your drinks. It goes a long way in others' eyes. And please, if you aint the owner of the bottle. Don't hog it like you own it. Goes a long way too when people choose what to remember you by. Also, when people want to feed you [we call it brotherly love in some parts of Singapore], don't refuse. It's not nice. Especially when fuckin 40+ yr old men can get that soggy prata from my fingers, don't rub your tummy, claim you're gonna puke, say you're full. Look to your gfren. KNN. It's food geddamit. Am I givin you white powder to snort or what?

Interesting sibling love moment I guess. I saw Han and Aishah kinda roaming around at 7 in the morning trying to go up to Jepun's place to sleep. Jepun smartly locked the fuckin front door knowing about the early morning stragglers who wanna catch a few winks and then head off by train back home. I gave them the remaining cash I had and told them to get a cab. Too nice. I am. I had just finished talkin to him and walking him off when I turned and saw my cousin hot on my heels. Secret fantasy of mine I guess. I love people who worry enough to care. Or is it care enough to worry. Either way works. At least, you know at any given time and place, you're not the only one watching your back. No one has eyes at the back of their head nah?

This is what I don't get. No matter how much money you throw in one night gettin your drinks, you surely gotta have one ten dollar note squirrelled away to cover your cab home right. Even if someone says they'll send you back, you still need that assurance right. Especially the young girls. Please don't rely on others for all your transportation needs. You need the power to just cut loose, flag a blue one and hurry home. Don't be at the mercy of a driver or a rider.

Sleep. Wake up. Neck sprain. Cant bend in any direction. I think someone has been cursing me many many. Good. I'm happy. Get your violent reactions out. Hold on to thy manxome sword. Let rip your rage. React like you've never got pissed before. Show me whatcha have. After all, I AM the selfish prick who's dumb enough to do what I do. *Grin*Sigh*Head in hands*

Rape me, my friend
Rape me, again
I'm not the only one.

Hate me
Do it again
Waste me
I'm not the only one.

My favourite inside source
I'll kiss your open sores
Appreciate your concern
You'll always stink and burn

Rape me!

Where's my Encore?

I like the perk me ups. Percolate. Perusals. Pensive. Poonani!

Now can I get an encore, do you want more
Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boy
So for one last time I need y'all to roar
Now what the hell are you waitin for
After me, there shall be no more
So for one last time, nigga make some noise

Look what you made me do, look what I made for you
Knew if I paid my dues, how will they pay you
When you first come in the game, they try to play you
Then you drop a couple of hits, look how they wave to you

When I come back like Jordan, wearin the 4-5
It ain't to play games witchu
It's to aim at you, probably maim you
If I owe you I'm blowin you to smithereeens
Cocksucker take one for your team

And I need you to remember one thing
I came, I saw, I conquered
From record sales, to sold out concerts
So muh'fucker if you want this encore
I need you to scream, 'til your lungs get sore

So this here is the victory lap
Then I'm lea-vin, that's how you get me back

Now look at me, all star-studded
Golfer above par like I putted
All cause the shit I uttered, was utterly ridiculous

jay z, encore
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Self Righteousness

Non-buying of ciggies: Day 4

It has happened again. That great soul. That all encompassing being. The man. The father of the one they tortured and nailed and burnt and stoned and cussed and killed. The one who sneezed and started the cosmic swirl. The fella who tears and it rains. Who belches and it droughts. The one who missed a step when he walked and a few seaside laid back resorts got fucked to oblivion by a tsunami. He has now turned his attention to me.

Like it's not enough that some people are actually taking the effort and time to be a better man [ i hope]. Ok, well bumming off cigarettes is not such an ethical thing to do. Sherwin realized that I have quit buying and not quit outright. Now he's determined to "help" me "kick" the habit once and for all. "As a friend" he claims. I'm pretty sure it's the non-buying habit he wants me to quit.

I told them all. Just early in the morning, all the smokers come and donate one stick out of twenty to me. And that's all I'll inhale for the day. But no. Now they all want to follow MY idea. It's my idea cos I started it geddamit. No followers. Just sit and exhale and be in shock and awe that I decided to do so. Fine. If the 4th floor don't cut it. I'll go from B1 to 5th with a placard round my neck. "Donate 1 stick!". Every morning. Till someone just gets sick and tired and uses the same aforementioned placard to do my head in. And this is only more bliss.

If you can, please send me back to my creator as quickly as he sent me out. Last I heard, my birth was a pretty impatient one. Could you blame her though? Her Chinese drama serial was due to start in like 10 mins. And in the old KK. If you found a TV, your path to nirvana was half complete already.

However, if you can't then at least render me unconscious and THEN choose whichever limb you like and kinda just tap the bone till it cracks a bit. Don't dislodge it all or perform permanent curvature surgery. You aren't a caveman. Just give a strategic knock to the right joint and hey presto! It'll pop right out. I could show you how to do it with my inherently loose left and right shoulders, but then it just might disgust you. Watch Gibson in Die Hard 2, he does it perfectly. AND puts it back. Could you blame him. He later on in his silver screen career managed to find out what women are thinking, loses a son to a kidnapper and is now defunct but surely fucking the next blonde bombshell.

I am tired of helping. Yes, I is. Yup, the whole compassion thing is so overrated. Humans just DONT want to help each other. Simple as that. Every ounce of energy you put into someone else, you had best be getting it back at the very least 1:1 odds. This means that Singapore Pools should go out of business the next time they dare to tote odds that range from 1.20 to 1.68. Do I look like a fool? Or did my Pri 4 Math teacher just simply fail in teaching me the basics of a transaction. I give you 1 dollar of mine. You give me back 68 cents. And this is why I queue up behind dodgy Ah Peks, sweaty foreign workers, clueless tai tais and endure pesky kids who run between my legs. It aint my fault I'm 6 foot 1. Ah, it all leads back to HIM doesn't it.

I approached a massive number of friends about an urgent problem I was facing today. And then I was talkin to RT, subsequently manjen's sister [who is now convinced that she is gonna star in Kid's Central new show as a model and all she gotta do is call 999 tomorrow to fix the audition date, and who knows her only line in the show will be a bastardization of the barkin of a dog. I have no idea how to phonetically spell that sound effect I'm so used to now.] and I realized something.

The ones who HAD a clue about how to help me, responded within the next 5 mins to an hour. Most called me back with their office phones. Some smsed their answers. Now, the ones who DONT have a clue, who just probably thought so long about it then thought to themselves "KNN..think so much for this fucker for what?" and then proceeded to reply me a good 3-4 hours later, "Sorry bro. I can't help ya on this. I don't know anyone". My dear people. Get a life. I will remember you. Those who DIDNT reply at all that is. You might think that to reply a nil reply is in fact a waste of your 5 cents. But no.... you forget. I have an elephant's memory. And I know mudderfuckers, who saves their 5 cents and who didnt.

You don't worry. Call me the next time and ask me for a loan, ask me for a favour, ask me to "help you out", ask me for information, ask me to teach you how to make your girlfriend do the thing you like, ask me to confess to you that I taught your girlfriend that thing you like, you'll see. Just for 5 cents? Not worth it my friend. Have a think about it.

Alas, the bane of working with 2 complete idiots. The P-Man and ML. I am now stuck in this big fiasco and could be charged and branded a cheat or what not just cos the mudderfucker P-man decides to conveniently indicate that I am on medical leave. In actual fact, I was just not around. My text message in the morning to him read : "I'm feelin sick, not takin your ride. Don't wait up for me". He reflected me as MC-MC-MC. That these 3 days coincided with my boss being on overseas leave is just not anyone's concern really. This is what happens. It is an issue and a privilege I share after putting in 3 years 2 months 24 days into this organization.

Familiarity breeds contempt. Contempt of being forced to walk into a joint where you have no purpose. Just like today, my priceless comment: "It's pretty hard to be sitting around doing absolutely nothing. Doing nothing is much much more painful than doing something". I ALMOST had my Bing book to read, except my other major, whom I've worked under before, swaggered in, chit chat, and then borrowed the book never to return till 4 in the evening.

So, now I'm stuck. I've been at home for those 3 days. I could have been out. I forgot. However, now I'm supposed to conjure up 3 days worth of medical leave within 1 weekend and produce it to the authorities or else I face reading Schindler's list in a darkened jail cell. Ok la, not so drastic. I still have friends who can cover my back.

Ms. A is definitely not one of them. Ashley, she fuckin comes and lectures me today la! In front of some other clueless NSman summore. That fella was like having front seats at a Siegfried n Roy circus act. Watchin me shake my head, watching her wag her finger. Best part! It doesn't even encroach onto her job scope. This is what all you mudderfuckers better stop. If it doesn't give you an extra job to do. Shut the fuck up and move on. I really cannot handle unaffected parties coming to me with their version of what transpired. If youse was me, P-man would have been slaughtered and hung upside down for the blood to collate and dry on the floor abbatoir style.

So, there. Who can helpsch me? You? You? You? You? Have I gone the full circle yet. Have all of you shook your head yet? Now bend over. That's right. Not bend down but bend over. As far as you can go. You can do it. Do it far enough and kiss your own arse. All ye clueless mofos who can't even render some help when I need it. Instead coming up with crap and crap and more crap. If this problem doesn't get solved by this weekend, or if it doesn't solve itself. I promise you this. I'm a new man when it comes to help and favours in the future. Got it? All ye self righteous pricks.

Late Addition: To the fool who when I started talking about VC didn't quite get it and now believe I am indeed the Singapore faction of the ultra uber communist outfit, the VietCong of Vietnam War fame [as opposed to Venture Capitalists]. My apologies. I am apologizing to your mum by the way. No mum should have to feel the way yours does. Now, fuck off. I don't need your MLM bullshit. Don't want to sit down and "have a chat" and "go over the earning plan". No interest in hearing about residual income. No inclination whatsoever to believing you are going to become a millionaire before me cos yeah I guess firstly we have to get that VC angle sorted out till its crystal clear. Did I remember to say fuck off already? Ah, silly me. It's my memory. Very bad these days. So, you are?

Last Night

I've marked my last night out drinking. It's a monumental day. Mark it down. 22nd June 2006. At least for the near future. Or till some important function comes up where XO is on freeflow.

My new meaningful hobby is NOTHING. That's right. Just sleep and stone and count the tiles in my house. Ok, that'd be too quick. I think I'll count the protrusions on the wall. I is has this rocky wall thingy.

Adieu!

Story of a Girl

this is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

How many days in a year
She woke up with hope but she only found tears
Life can be so insincere,
Making the promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting
Wearing the holes in the souls of her shoes
How many days disappear?
You look in the mirror so how do you choose?

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
Your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

How many lovers would stay?
Just to put up with this shit day after day
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say
As long as we stand here waiting
Wearing the clothes on the souls of our shoes

How do we get there today?
When we're walking too far for the price of her shoes
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
Your hair never falls in quite the same way
But you never seem to run out of things to say

Well Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And Your hair never falls in quite the same way
And You never seem to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her

Kitty Nail

It is gonna be the end of the world when you find Hello Kitty look-a-likes invading the simple household tool called the nail clipper. Clipper cum file if you will have it. Alas, my file is missing. My cuticle lotion is finished. My nail are growing. And thus I had no choice.

Together with a good shampoo, conditioning, moisturizing, toning, exfoliating. I is good to go. Go to bed that is.

Bon Soir.

Wed Dreams

It's going horrendously. My nose is running. Zero appetite. I've resorted to satisfying nicotine cravings with Cadbury and Ferrero Rochers. Thank you Diana for the book and the chocolates. Bing is my new management guru.

Non-buying of ciggies: Day 2

My dad gives me a Jean Mercier tie, something nice in maroon and tells me, for Father's Day he has to gimme something instead of vice versa. I simply say, we all know who the king of the family nah?

You know how the escalators in Junction 8 change direction every 6 months. The ones on the left all go up in Jan and in June they are going down. Confusion I tell you. I think the same thing is happening to my bed. The polarities have been reversed for whatever reason I don't know. The stars have been changing position la I think.

Thus, now my head is at the foot of my bed and my foot is constantly being impeded by that damn invention called a head rest. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if something is a head-rest, you don't really curve it lumbar shaped like you gonna rest your spine on it right? Who the hell, sits up straight with perfect posture while nestling down to read that book that's gonna bore you to death and before that to sleep.

It's Wednesday again. How I dread this day. Firstly, who's the dumb prick who designated Wednesday as Ladies Night anyway. Is it that kinda fullproof marketing technique that is meant to attract the women to guzzle down free drinks knowing that at least 85% will not breach their limit since they still gotta walk in to office at 9 in the morning? And those dumb fuck men, who think ladies will be an easy lay on ladies night, and trudge down to wherever and spend twice the weekend prices on jugs and drinks only to be sorely dissapointed. Of course, if your aim was to just get a number, you'd prolly be happy like bird la. Tweet tweet tweet. But, nah, last I checked. Budget hotels aint really packed to the brim on Wed nights. Neither are luxury hotels for that matter.

And then the dominos fall. Wednesday is dissapointment. Maybe Thursday will be much better. Knowing the human psyche, one of the first to exploit this was DblO. Solid crowd they still draw on Thursdays. Solid fights too. Friday, Saturday nuff said. Torrential flood of botaks just booking out of camp, chicas on school leave, office workers who end up the night with their tie half done and their wallets half popping out of their back pockets. And then there are the career clubbers.

The ones who look unfazed, unrattled, even if there was a bouncer-sailor fistfight within 2 inches of their face. These are the ones who just wanna drink. Drink, watch whatevers displayed on the big screen. Laugh. Comment. Keep the waitresses on their payroll too. And just about breeze in and out of anywhere they choose to. Cover charges, lines, velvet ropes. Lan Jiao!

Which is why I say. In every sphere we operate in. There are the ones with the power. And there are the ones who don't. The ones who don't, don't really have to care if they don't need the power. These are of course the ones to which attendance to a club is macam like a class outing, and they gotta have a 2 week information time period, 1 week reminder time period, 5 hours before reminder to meet at this this station time period, 5 mins before counting the cover charge at the door time period. But then there are the power-less ones who want to break into the higher circles. The ones who sit and reflect one night, quite wrongly I might add, that they too should be in there schmoozing and moozing.

Wrong. Don't harbour thoughts. Unless you want to morph into a non-descript person in a decrepit lifestyle. The higher spheres don't seem fazed cos they never SEE the sun. They have a lack of Vitamin D. Thus, their pale complexions don't look bright and oily even under UV light. They seem to know everyone but it's just the SAME everyone 4 nights a week. Now wouldn't you get sick and tired too, kissin the cheeks of women and vigorously shakin the hands of men whom you know you're gonna see again in less than 24 hours only to repeat the routine. They have no life. What life they have is confined within the four walls of that joint. With aircon and tequila and a pool table and in certain cases some wild rowdy entertainment spectacle.

The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Unless, your grass is some herb I so crave right about now. So, go out. Run free in the world. Enjoy the sun. Watch them movies. Play thy arcade. Shoot some hoops. Kick some balls. And stay off these mad cap joints they call clubs. You wanna join a club? Be a member? Join Club Rainbow - a club that matches you to little kids who are in need of an older role model and confidante. Join some sports club. Join a fantasy football club if you even wanted to. Don't crave the greater evil. Beer is the new 4 letter word.

Adieu!

Astro Boy

You know how astrology stuff is so vague and abstract it kinda can mean something to everyone? When I saw this though, I was quite shocked.

It was one of those things, when you feel something but you know not how to say it, and then you come across some book that says it exactly in the most accurate of words. Haiz.

Your sense of stubbornness is more firmly in place than ever. No way are you giving up all you've gained, and that's that -- that is, until you see that by giving up what you have now you could get something better in its place.

Adieu!

Quitter

I know it's quite shameful to be branded a quitter in some circles. But, yeah, I quit. I've been playing this wild goose chase game with a certain someone for very very long. The person always seems the same, just that the names vary sometimes. It's such a love hate relationship I tell you. The pheelings are all the more better when I've been drinking. Tastes heavenly early in the morning when I roll over in my bed. Feels like fuck when I'm totally not in the mood. But heck it, it's the body that craves it and thus I have to hunt down the elusive supply of bliss.

I am parting ways with my Marlboros, Viceroys and what have yous. It's only the second time in my life that I have tried it. Well, make that third. The very first time cocked up on the very second day. It was the whole "we're in the army-let's go to brunei and live in the jungle like Robinson Crusoe-and quit smoking while we're at it".

We had a pact, me and my platoon mates. Like the 5 of us heavy ass smokers. Pity us right. We were in the only wing in OCS that had effectively banned smoking cos the Big Boss said so. We didn't even own a yellow box. Those painted lines had been scraped off the floor liao. And on one fateful day, when I had MCed for diarrhoea, the other 4 blokes in the group, including my roomie got caught for smokin at the staircase and served up their fair share of punishment.

I forgot the term, but yeah, you pack a full pack, march all the way like for 1.5 clicks to the guard room and back. Sweating like a fucknut by the time you're done. And you do it at the end of the work day. I.e. when you're ALREADY tired like fuck. RP was it? I forgot la. Anyhow, I was so guilty, cos if I was not on medical leave, I'd have been charged for it too. So, everytime my buddy left for his daily chore, I'd sing "Leavin on a Jet Plane" for him.

We lived on the second floor. So, I'd sing for him while at the window and he's ready to set off. Haha. But no sweat, he was a Diver before he wanted to be a Pilot. So he could take it.

Did I mention why the Brunei attempt failed? Me and my big mouth la. I managed to talk the boatman who ferries us to the campsites to part with his pack for a said amount payable back at the bunk. And then, the medic also was "persuaded" to supply us with some sticks. Not to mention, our company storeman who was a smoker, and had brought in like 5 packs of his own. Thus, this plan was doomed to fail from the start.

The second time lasted for a week. This was such an amazing week. If I need to quit, I always envisioned, [and mind you I've been smoking since I was 12] I had to have zero external stress to do it. And it was one of those weeks, in the holidays. No school. It was the vacation. No work. I put one week leave. Lotsa support from current girlfriend. It took me a week to trip. Apparently, nicotine dissapears from your bloodstream in a week. Then you don't crave it anymore. But, yeah, the moment I walked inside the club, thinkin "yes to chivas, no to marlboros". I flunked. Failed. Terribly. It just was so natural. I walked in. I walked out. Bought me a softpack. And came back.

This time, I am doing it for the sole sake that I have not smoked since morning. Cos, I was just too lazy to trudge down to the shop to buy it. And also cos, the dwindling amount in my bank account reminds me I can't last till next week at the very least if I don't halt something. Did I also mention, my "Wanna do, do it big" policy has effectively got me sick and tired of drinking? I have just donated two thirds of a Chivas bottle to my brother.

Now, to clarify. In case, someone out there sees me lighting up after this post and questions my intentions or my integrity. I said I've quit. I've quit buying. =) Yeah la, people smoke for 12 years already, what if I drop dead of a heart attack cos of this cold turkey business. So, if you are kind enough, let me bum a stick off you now and then. Much appreciated. As long as I don't have a nice solid hardpack peeking out from my pockets, I doubt I'll need to fag as much.

And the one last reason why I gotta quit the fags: Chicks don't dig smokers no more. "(

Adieu!

Overload

Never gonna die now
Crawling from a wrecked jam, I'm laughing out loud
Angel on my shoulder
Living at the speed of sound
Heavenly distraction
I'm hanging on the edge and spinning out of control
Choose your medication
It's a generation overload

def leppard
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50 Questions

Because I like publicity. Because I am a sucker for all things question-ny. Because I read a blog today that interested me. Someone scolding someone else. So interesting. They blog about it. I lay the blow for real without qualms and walk off. Which way is better? No idea la. I'm sticking to my personal ethos for now. But here goes, 50 questions, on a inertia filled Monday:

1. Were you named after anyone?
I was nearly a Satish. My grand dad had to quarrel with many people to name me Shanker. And it has worked out very fine.

2. Do you wish on stars?
Nope. Stars are there to be looked at and commented on when there is too much of them or too little of them.

3. When did you last cry?
A week? 2 weeks ago? I is emo. That little kid in Thalapathi, the little kid in Anjali, and Sivaji's death scene in Padaiyappa always make me tear. :(

4. Do you like your handwriting?
Of course. Whose one?!?!?

5. What is your favourite meat?
The other white meat. A handful is enough. Or else it is simply wasted. Those whose cups runneth full take note.

6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf?
I don't own CDs. I do have one by Snow. It is not embarassing at all. I'm proud I own it.

7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Of course, unless you don't have an inclination to be with powerful people.

8. Are you a daredevil?
Maybe. Yet to do my tongue though. Soon enough. Together with the tats and the piercings.

9. How do you release anger?
I bitch. And bitch wildly. And bitch and bitch and bitch. And then I'm done. My anger is diffused. It appeared and disappeared in 5 minutes. The people I bitch to however, don't get this. And continously irritate me for the next 5 days with "Are you alright?" , "You need anger management", "Don't hold grudges, bad for your well being".

10. Where is your second home?
This is so insulting. But yes, it is a club by River Valley. Right at home mofo. If only the toilets had a shower stall. I could live there.

11. Do you trust others easily?
Nope. Always start at ground zero. In this way, if they fuck it up. You didnt lose anything, no have hati sakit. If they happen to impress, it's a win-win situation. Everyone happy.

12. What was your favourite toy as a child?
I really don't remember a toy. Books maybe, not toys. Even if I did, it prolly didnt belong to me. Must be my cousin's or the next door girl's.

13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless?
Ethics. Fuck la, you teach blokes to build things and make things with the most cost effective materials and processes, and then you still ask them to have a thought for the environment, the people, the fucknuts who roam the streets?

14. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
It is one of the services I offer, yes.

15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Nope. Concert tickets are soo overpriced.

16. What do you look for in a guy/girl?
Sanity.

17. Would you bungee jump?
Cowabunga!

18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope. A man who has to untie his shoes is purely anal. Any tying should be done in the morning when you take that big decision on whether to tie it or to just shove it in and hope the soles of your feet can hold them in place.

19. What's your favourite ice cream?
Choco chip.

20. What are your favourite colours?
Baby blue.

21. What are your least favourite things?
Private numbers. I let three go today. God knows who it was.

22. How many people do you have a crush on right now?
None la.

23. Who do you miss most right now?
My gramps. Both of them.

24. What are you listening to right now?
The hum of my new PC fan. Cost me $45. It's gonna be my last doctors' bill for this baby unfortunately.

25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Black. Everyone needs a black crayon. Hate or love it, you can't ignore it mudderfuckers.

26. What is the weather like right now?
Humid, wind-less, mood-less.

27. Last person you talked to on the phone?
I don't use phones. I'm a telepathic-er.

28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Tits and Ass. Though, someone seems convinced it's just tits. I mean of course la, you face people when you see them right. You see people from the back one meh?

29. Do you like the person who sent you this?
I stole this myself. So lame, i is.

30. How are you today?
Not good at all. Aimless, listless, restless. All 3 mutually non-exclusive.

31. Favourite non-alcoholic drink?
Seasons Ice Lemon Tea

32. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Whiskey dry.

33. Natural hair colour?
Black.

34. Eye colour?
Brownish black with a ring of yellow round the pupils cos I suffer from the Rings of Saturn syndrome.

35. Wear contacts?
Nope. Irritating mutherfuckers they are. Wore them once. Popped out during assembly. I gave up.

36. Siblings?
Yes. 2. Wonderful blokes.

37. Favourite month?
December. A month where even if you're broke or not, everyone's too busy having fun to care.

38. Favoutite food?
Char Siew Mee Kia with Wanton. In the mornings, add luncheon meat and sausage. Such a wholesome start to the day.

39. Favourite day of the year?
The 10th of every month. Equal favourites. When I'm at work that is.

40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out?
Of course. It's what I believe we attribute to being human.

41. Scary movies or happy endings?
Twisted humour endings. Cue: All Brit films ever made.

42. Summer or winter?
KNN Singapore got what tell me.

43. Do you want your friends to write back?
OF course. Who else would I make fun of for their typos and grammar errors?

44. Who is most likely to respond?
The ones who are not gainfully employed.

45. What book/magazine are you reading?
Fortune magazine. And my Starhub bill. With itemized billing, every month is just a new book waiting to be explored.

46. What's on your mouse pad
The mouse.

47. What did you watch on TV last night?
I've quit TV. These days I watch the ceiling. Watch the next block when I'm smoking. Watch the screen when I'm typing.

48. Favourite Smell?
Those cinnamon bun bakeries. Damn!

49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone?
If I said yes, that'd be such a sad sign for closure. So, no, no regrets. Life goes on. ;)

50. Most tiresome thing you've ever experienced/done?
Attempting to raise the P-man's intellect level.

Adieu!

Pastor's Ass

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and surprisingly, it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S WINNING ASS.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day : NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. The pastor informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The magic of Journalism. I figure the editors at The New Paper do stuff like this ALL the time.

Stand Up Saturday

Now, I also was quite blur as to how the Saturday began. Any-o-how, I believe I woke in the afternoon. Yes, I believe that was the case. See, when you don't work on a Friday, suddenly the week seems lost in time. You wake up and you don't know what day it is. Ever had that feeling, you're pretty damn sure it was still Friday and then someone asks you what is the tamil picture on TV tonight is? Then it hits you. That it's already Day 6. And you only have Day 7 left. Of which you're gonna be sleeping most of it cos of your effervescent drinking. I say effervescence because of all the bubbles involved in beer, ginger ale and air pockets in condoms.

I, Rita and Scanty [abbreviated from Scantily-Clad, every Skanky needs a Scanty ma] first ate at Banana Leaf Apollo. The food was alright. The service was FUCKTYPE! The fuckin waiter just bo-hew [fuck care] Scanty's desperate cries for more appalam. And the place wasn't even packed! So, you can imagine la, if appalam already must practically bend over and kiss the toes, when the rice and rasam and yoghurt gonna come. IT was super duper filling, but you really don't wanna be eating at a place where the waiter just couldn't give a fuck.

The 2 ladies, went through a myriad of plannign after that. I'm quite sure I heard "go back and sleep" and "Robinson's" and "Spotlight" in there somewhere. But we ended up at Mr. Bean's cafe, off Selegie. It was my first time there and the Milo [read: Hot Chocolate] was quite ok. Jas came to sit sit a bit. That sick girl. In the time between me going to the station to get her AND to get back, 2 incidents happened.

Another useless waiter struck again. This time, there was eye contact and polite words going "Can I have the menu card". He was prompt though. In ignoring Scanty. There goes another letter of complaint. These fellas are all asking for it. However, I was not there and thus cannot let go another tirade, in all fairness. What we don't see, we don't talk about, unless it's about who's sleeping with who, cos technically you never EVER get to see those stuff live.

And that's why I have a 4 year old son running going "Born Free...free of my pops", in his little power rangers uniform, wondering why life bit him in the arse so hard. I is gonna take inspiration from a story told to me, and raise this son of mine. Albeit, he is invisible, but so what. I will raise him. And he will be much much smarter, handsomer, cooler, machoer, hip and happening than all of your offspring.

The second incident was this middle aged couple who got lost enroute to Tank Road. They had a wedding. Chose MRT over taxi and got lost. I saw them loitering at Paradize there. They called out. I answered their calling, eventually walking them all the way to Park Mall so they wouldn't get lost. It was quite hilarious. The first third of the journey, the hubby was fuckin up his wife for getting them lost. She was takin it like a good "public" Indian wife. I dread it when he gets home. The second third was spent blaming the MRT employee who pointed them to the exit. The last portion was me convincing them to just keep cool, and no one was in the wrong.

And then the uncle gets a phone call, at the P.S. traffic light. I whispered to his wife and she opened her handbag. Immediately, this man turns away from the phon eyes big big and goes "Why? why? Why?". Macam I asking her for money to pay me for showing the way like that. He was visibly embarassed when she reached in and gave me some tissue paper. Hot night it was. Off to BQ. That girl in white riding up the escalator in Farrer Park, she's still on my mind. Like a pale moon on a breezy September night her face was.

So, at BQ, sitting and chilling in front of the XBOX, while munching on sunflower seeds and drinking off some BOLS Triple Sec. These stuff is wild. I is gonna buy all the BOLS flavours that exist ever. Oh yes, I still need to show someone the beauty of a nicely made apricot brandy mix. Then, the blokes all arrive. Met some AMK veteran. And he was regaling me with his old Bowen Sec stories. He was a chef too, and he was licensed to carry this big stack of chef's knives and choppers and skewers and all. In a nice leather bag. Imagine that, people like us. Licensing us to carry knives. God has a sense of humour.

We spent quite a bit of time, attempting to repair a broken clutch cable in between hearing tales of biker gangs. But it was broke. Not like it couldn't be ridden. And even Ah Boy's shop aint open on late Saturday nights. I felt damn tired la, but the show must go on, does it not?

So, off to CM. We walked and bitched. Me, Jas and Han. Bitched bout it all. Money, women [Jas gfren walked out on him and hopped into a cab, tired of waiting for ALL the mofos to get their ass moving]. Han is broke as he will ever be but he still pitches in money to kongxi and buy drinks. The main bitching topic of course was Yus, the man who can afford to walk into a 40 dollar a night hotel room, afford petrol and buy a new Super 4, but can't afford ten or twenty bucks to buy the jugs or the bottles. What impudence right. And on top of all that, he has brought about another political fiasco within us.

Sop and I were at CM on Friday and he got into a disagreement with the tequila girl cum dancer. He was at the bar. She wanted to get up, asked him to move. He refused. Sayin, why should I, you get up from a different portion of the bar. She was high, quarrel with him. I did what I could to diffuse. Manager apologizes to Sop. The fuckin girl later dares to comment to Sop "Drink faster la puki!" when someone buys him a shot. I know Sop. She should have died. But, nah, he has his wits about him sometimes too. How does Yus come into the story? She is his "girlfriend". I put it in inverted commas cos, yeah, the word in there really doesnt mean much to the man. So, there, the stage is set. Sop took Saturday off to spend the time with his kids and ex wife whom he doesn't see much off, but who'd love to see him. It's sad. That story. Why they split. I have this feeling I'm heading for a divorce too. It's okie, I'll keep my son with me.

Ok, now the night gets haywire. From shooting some pool, I have no idea how come I left. With the Sembawang boys no doubt. And I was in a minibus. And we dropped at BQ. This place is a magnet I tell you. Notti 9 it is. For the first time, since the new joint opened, I saw NO Malays. Interesting enough. I also happened to meet my cousin. The on-off relationship we have is so intricate, I just can't describe it. But he is the man I've always wanted to be, when I was young that is. Saw John. I miss John. Not many like John. But he treats me very fine, and seriously thats good enough for me.

At 4 when the place shut, I just knew the night wasn't ending. And true enough, we walked into Bedroom. It seems Desire seems to be the public enemy of many a regular clubber. I hope the place closes for good. It smells funny. Bedroom saw another 2 bottles popping out. We walked out into the fuckin hot sun. at close to 9 I think. I should have just returned home. But no, the blasting aircon of a brand new Lancer just lulled me into agreeing with the fool that I should spend the morning sleepin at his house. Bad move. There came the nagging from my aunt. She nags only in a few ways. First, is, why you drink so much? Second, is why you never care about your granny? Third, is, why you not as good as my oldest son, he the angel, he the king, he the this, he the that, why you and your other cousin suck? The trick is to escape to bed before the third one, cos I WILL react. I know that bloke. Not intimately, but I've seen him drink, seen him pine for a girl, seen his friends, know the friends who split with him. I have enough on him. But family is still family. I don't really care who is better than me. It's really quite dumb comparing someone 4 years my senior, with me. He's already in a different age generation.

Slept. Woke. Went home. Quarrelled with mum.

She: Where you went? Why don't know how to call?
ME:[for the millionth time] If got no call, means I safe. If something happened, either the cops or the hospital or the morgue will call.
She: Got money in pocket only run around town la
Me: It's time to end this conversation. Is it you want some Chivas?
She: Like father, like son.
Me: I think I will give it to Kulu then.

And so it is. The end of a Saturday-Sunday overflow saga. It's Monday now, as I pen this. Lo and behold, I is on MC. Cos, my boss say, if too tired to come work, go get your MC, don't walk in late, wait people say during World Cup, all the officers not effective wan. I agree. My Godfather is seldom wrong. Except about mee hoon.

Adieu!

Flagrant Friday

Quick! Try this! Go to any part of your computer. I mean, within "My Computer". Any folder, any drive. And try and create a new folder called "con". Impossible! Some Indian with too much time on his hands, happened to find it out and flag it up to Bill Gates and team. Microsoft, still hasn't found an explanation on why this is so.

Anyhow, Friday was a slow day. Too slow for my liking. It seems nothing ever goes to plan. Which is good. I took leave and slept in. My boss don't let me clear off the very next day. Preferring to go with the cliched "sometime next week" la. I wanted to go to the Zoo in the morning. Oh wait, now I remember, I WAS out drinking. Haha. Ah Meng jogged my memory la. Yeah, but it rained. First in Ang Mo Kio, then in Hougang, then forever in Sembawang. So, since the journey was gonna be pelted with acidic raindrops. We decided to sleep in. Which was good enough, I was still a bit groggy and would have been squinting and cursing the sun the whole day. And Ah Meng would have had much difficulty peeling my banana.

That's the thing bout men though, funny enough. When they drink, they can't keep it up for long, and take forever to cum. But that's when they are at their horniest. It's like after beer, the word sex gets imbibed with the bubbles and remains in your synapses, tugging at your boxers. Of course, if you have a woman who likes it slow, and long drawn and practically lasting hours. Drink more! If not, just shut the fuck up after you drink cos you really don't need the embarassment of not being able to keep it up.

And I met Nalinee and friend, and Praba and Naga [later on] at night. Twas a night out at Gold Dust. And it was good. See, Nal has a certain fascination and respect for Kumar the artiste, [Kumar the man, I don't want to comment]. But yeah, so since it was within my power, and he does his stand up at his own club. We all went there lor. I hope it was as enjoyable as was said to me. And Nal, so sporting! Haha. Especially the part where 5 girls had to spell another guy's name, with their butt. Youse was the best one! Yippe! I tried recording part of the show with my voice recorder cos videos were expressly banned. But, the quality turned out quite bad. So, yeah, it got deleted.

After Gold Dust, what else would I do but trudge down to CM. Such a slow night it was. If not for the big screen soccer, I think I'd have packed up and left early on. And that's that. A night that was only happening from 9pm to 1 am.

The Forum

So, the big event that me and Edi and NOT P-man [he was on leave for a week cos the original forum was meant to be on the 1st of June and he had some doofus course to attend], has culminated and climaxed into a huge success.

I like organizing events. Especially when stuff falls into place. And ultimately, I've done soo many events already in my lifetime that even the nitty gritty is getting damn boring. And of course the kan cheong spiders amongst the team I work with, who have no idea how to stop adn smell the tobacco. Smoke more! Worry less! Which is why we were so glad the P-man wasn't part of any process. Oh wait! He was. He came back one evening to clear his email at about 7 pm when the rest of us had already left. So, the next morning we find a slew of mails out from him, most of them addressing issues that I had already settled in the past few days. This is fuckin fuckin irritating! Motherfucker! In one move, you've made yourself look stupid, make it seem like one person in the office doesnt know what the others are up to, and looked like a dumb fuck suck up.

There were the last minute injects and cock ups but what can I do. Apparently suddenly, we couldnt find a single person who could de encrypt the powerpoint slides for us.

Of course, the bright idea was ours, mine and Edison's alone. Where we load all the speakers' slides [there were 6] onto one lappie and place it at the rostrum and everyone just uses a wireless 'clicker' to flow through and stop at the first slide of the next person so it looks quite fashionable and all. But then, to transfer the files from the in-house system to a stand alone external laptop needs denencryption. And no one with those rights happened to be at work! Most on leave, some on MC, some on duty off, 1 was missing. Literally. He must have consulted me on how to go missing with such petulance and ease.

Edi solved that problem though. I shan't elaborate. It isn't important, just that he got the problem fixed. So, I is much liking him. Resourceful mudderfucker. But then again, even with perfect organization, there's always the OTHERs who help to cock things up. This time, it was the speakers. You know the fools. You give them a wireless clicker with a forward, back button and a laser pointer attached and they STILL can click too far forward, panic, somehow exit the slideshow mode [wonder WTF they press also]. Not my issue ma, I not the speaker, how to control?

I is was the emcee. I don't know why the fuckin word is abbreviated this way. Aint it Master of Ceremonies. Maybe cos MC clashes with medical cert. Which was what my dad gleaned from it. I came back home, told my mum my general was saying I good "MC", and he starts a tirade about how he sees me at home more than he doesn't see me at home in the daytime and how I should stop putting MC and pull my socks up and buck the fuck up. I is was more interested in fried tauhu and dhal to care.

But at least, I gained some praise for it. I tell you, I think my voice is very underrated. Sometimes, I sing song and people beg me to stop, or shut me up. Why? Cos, I don't follow the set lyrics? Cos, the song means nothing and is just a bunch of swear words strung together? Don't la. I is has big dreams of being radio's shock jock you know. Or some motivational speaker earning a thousand a minute. I can motivate... hor? hor? hor? ORh Orh Orh. *grunt*

Anyhow, I had a told-you-so moment too regarding the food. My boss is one of those guys who sits in middle management and secretly is delusional in thinking he is actually the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. One of the main things that illustrates that is his love to hold big mass briefings. I mean whats the point right. Call a meet, I never say cannot. A handshake always goes a long way. But, why call all the sundry in to listen to how you're gonna set up the stage. Does the usher need to know that? Or the sound man? Or the cleaner? Siao!

And he insisted that I get mee hoon included in the food list. The break was at 3 pm you know. Who wants to whack mee hoon. Granted it is a tea time staple somewhat. But, we is military lazy mofos. We just wanna grab the currypuffs, sandwiches, doughnut balls and get the move on. You geddit? True as my words. The meehoon was untouched. 4 large trays of it, and 3 was untouched. For courtesy's sake, we guys whacked a bit la.

After it all, my boss couldn't stop heaping the praise. I for one, just cannot handle praise. But still, if you're gonna shower it, at least throw the rewards in with it. I think we've all got too commercial for our own good. A job well done is just not satisfying enough. So, I lobbied for a day off. For me, Edi and ML. Only ML's one was not cleared, reason being he was too new in the office. Urmz, what's that gotta do with anything? He also worked for the event right. It is an 'off' for an event well done right? Haiz.

Also, I lobbied the sound guy's boss for his off. And the video/camera guys for their offs. Proud to say that all 3 got theirs. The sound guy I is has taken a great liking to. Was it cos he wore his pants low, steamer like? Or that dragon tattoo that was peaking out of the folds of his uniform? Or that I later discovered he was the son of Muthiah. I.e. he was Chindian. Fucker damn tan like Malay like that? Or that he had balls to walk out with me, in between speakers to just grab a smoke, knowing that if any AV thing cocks up, he's pretty much fucked? Oh well, but I think as officers, you should never take the lower men for granted. Some might argue, that it IS his job. Why should he get a reward for it? Yes, technically. But, it is MY event. And if he was a critical piece to make it happen, I have no qualms attempting to garner some additional reward for his good work. If you is help me, I is definitely give back to you double, triple deck cheeseburger like.

This was Thursday. I believe I went drinking after that. I can't remember. These days, my memory is getting more selective and failure prone. Why remember? Just live the moment and move on. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Adieu!

Jesus Talks

Selven has unearthed another gem. He has a knack for finding quality stuff. Now, read:

Jesus: I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

Jesus, chief spokesman for Christianity and poster boy for integrity, is categorically denying accusations that he had improper relations with Mary Magdalene.

With the release of The Da Vinci Code and exposés by muckraking journalists like Elaine Pagels, rumors have been spreading through the locker rooms of divinity schools and the restrooms of bus depots around the world.

The scandal started brewing last year, when another prominent New Testament woman, Martha, brought a lawsuit for sexual harassment against Jesus. The suit was quickly dismissed for lack of evidence, however, with key documents reportedly bursting into flames for no explicable reason before they could be presented in court.

Also, a number of witnesses who originally aided the prosecution changed their testimonies. Allegations that these people have been upgraded from the fires of hell to comfortable appartments in heaven have been denied by the heavenly bureaucracy.

While Jesus' indiscretions have long been tabloid fodder, Mary Magdalene's confession on Oprah last Tuesday that she had been intimate with Jesus on multiple occasions caused an uproar. "He was very alluring, both physically and spiritually," she said. "I was drawn to him, and I can tell you, once you've had the son of God you don't want to go back to any old mortal."

According to Mary, she still receives occasional sexy text messages from the son of God. However, she told Oprah that the physical element of the relationship was over. "He ended it. He had a lot on his mind before the whole resurrection thing, and frankly, I was a distraction. I was disappointed, but I've moved on during the last two thousand years."

But the Archangel Gabriel, speaking for Jesus, maintains that Mary "Maggy" Magdalene was nothing more than Jesus' travel agent and press secretary.

"It seems simple now, but back then it took a lot of planning to get from Galilee to Jerusalem. You've got to make sure there's a fresh donkey for the next leg of the journey, check that all the disciples have a spare pair of sandals, scout out convenient mounts along the way where Jesus can address the poor and meek, find an eatery that's not serving pork, get the meek to speak up ... it's a lot of work.

"So Maggy was an integral part of the team, no doubt about that. As someone with so many critical responsibilities, it's only natural that she would confer frequently with Jesus. But the relationship went no further than that - it was strictly professional.

"In fact, I hear she was actually sleeping with Thomas."

Thomas however has not made himself available for comment. He is reportedly holidaying in an undisclosed location outside the solar system.

As the Son of an influential - indeed omnipotent - Father, Jesus grew up expecting to receive everything he asked for. Critics claim that a culture of entitlement corrupted him.

"He had the attitude that he could get away with anything," says popular moralist and author Jay Plover.

"This guy goes around teaching 'love your neighbor' and 'turn the other cheek.' That sort of moral laxity is bound to lead to philandering."

Others, such as bus driver and Aramaic linguist Mary Jo Oliver, are more sympathetic.

"He didn't have a mother that we know of, then he's essentially orphaned and adopted by this Mary and Joseph couple as part of his Dad's grand plan for his life. Was he asked what he wanted? Plus he's working overtime, curing lepers, restoring sight to the blind, raising the dead, expelling demons, and turning water into mixed cocktails. On top of that, he's doing this whirlwind speaking tour where his audiences continuously miss the point of what he's saying."

"Finally, the guy was expected to live a perfect life, then die a horrible slow death at the hands of a bunch of Italians in skirts to save the world from sin. The dude was understandably stressed."

Proper Usage

See, I came across very very bad usage of language today. ML obviously doesn't understand the word and the usage of the word "fuck". It's versatility astounds. Thus, for your education and for you to educate the ones who have an IQ of less than 70 around you.

Greetings - "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud - "I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay - "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble - "Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression - "Fuck you!!!"
Disgust - "Fuck me!!!"
Confusion - "What the fuck....?"
Diffuclty - "I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair - "Fucked again."
Incompetence - "He fucks up everything."
Displeasure - "What the fuck is going on."
Lost - "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief - "Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation - "Up your fucking ass!!!"
Pain - "Fuck ! that hurt."
Pleasure - "Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love - "Do ya Fuck on first dates ?"
Starting a relationship - "Let's fuck now!.
Surprise - "Fucking hell what was that?"
Hate - "You Fuck"
Disappointment - "That’s not Fucking fair"
A poker hand - "A royal fuck"
Denial - "I didn't fucking do it"
Perplexity - "I know fuck all about it"
Apathy - "Who gives a fuck"
Resignation - "Oh fuck it"
Suspicion - "Who the fuck are you"
Panic - "Lets get the fuck out of here"
Directions - "Fuck off"
Maternal - "Motherfucker"
Incestuous - "Motherfucker"
Ambiguity - "I'm not so fucking sure"

And what you'd hear me say for almost ALL the above emotions stated : "Could ya just go fuck yourself?".

Tried and tested lines. Memorize them. They will serve you well.

Adieu!