Drive me Crazy

Now you know why they shouldn't drive? Go ahead flip your finger with no reservations at all felines behind the wheel.


NB: This post went up only because you said this was becoming a joke of the day site. I had to re-read the message to see if what you meant was it was becoming a joke. My problem? Grin.

Blue Heeler

A ranter I'm impressed with: The Blue Heeler.

Commentary on both sides of the Johor Straits coupled with evidenciary links that take you to sites you wouldn't normally trawl for info.

Adieu!

Kid's Say The Darndest Thing

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

- Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that. Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.

- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8 *my personal favourite, the child genius

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

Stand by one. Minor overhaul and deleting of spare parts past their warranty in progress on this page.

Carcinogen

Laughter, peace, motherfuckin' fun and ME. Something everyone needs more of.

Seen at the workplace, pasted just below the window ledge in the rest room where we eat, rest [doh] and catch up on ChannelNewsAsia:

Please do not throw your cigarette butts out of the window.
The cockroaches are getting cancer.

Adieu!

We are the Bhai of Mumbai

When gangsters wax lyrical. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the subtitled version. Just ask a friend will ya.

Adieu!

Christian Calling Cards

The Bible has many urm, interesting passages:

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message : 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins with : 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads : 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Push Ups

A: Good morning to you Sir.
Me: Let's dispense with the formalities. Just give me 20 push ups.
[pregnant pause]
A: Urm. I don't use those.

HHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. KNN. I have not laughed liked this since like urm Wacko Jacko was still black.

Adieu!

Are You Clear?

Because everyone needs a credit card they don't really need.

New Sintercom

I write for New Sintercom too.
Click HERE.

Modern Protocol

Modern Protocol

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever ! you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong! and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

Adieu!

Dear Walter

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Lesson learnt? Ask the right questions of the right people. Otherwise, just say "I'd love to answer that but it's not within my pay grade to do so"

Raise Them Right

The right way to raise your offspring and spotting the genius in them.

Ad Man's Dream

The stuff ad men dream off. I fink. Or maybe good candidates for a caption contest.

Coma Sutra

A new festive creation from TshirtHell.com.
Try this on for size.

Suck on This

For heaven's sake. Don't they put disclaimers on beach chairs anymore?
The "Balls may get stuck" kind.

Power Volley

It was a simple volleyball tournament. The different factions [Red, Blue, Green, Yellow] of the institute I was in would square off round robin style and then the victors will gain points accordingly to see who was the "sportiest" faction for that work year. Simple concept? Not so simple when you view the management of the institute proper that had an imbalance of a certain "coloured" people.

So, the first game got underway. Yellow and Green went at it. Everyone loves to hate Green so it was not too painful to watch them lose though we actually have more Green friends than Yellow friends [make that 0 Yellow friends].

Then, it was Blue Vs. Red. Blue is us, and we were there in full force. Masculine pom pom-mers. Players kitted out in their regalia and coach reviewing the team list. We had mass participation from middle management to the lowly scrubs, it was a real team affair.

Alas, Red was nowhere to be seen! The rules and regulations clearly state that in the event of a no-show after 15 minutes from the promulgated match time, there would be a walkover for the opponents. The organizer, notably not highly ranked in the social echelon enough to put his foot down and make that decision decides to "wait it out", going to the extent of calling up the Red teamsters enquiring as to where the hell they were!

The truth unfolds slowly. The bald dude in charge of forming the Red team, had gone on "my wife is pregnant" leave. Neither did he bother to forward his mail to someone else who could handle his duties in his absence. As a result, they were none the wiser. Now I show you the org chart.

Although, the organizer on hand was of the lower 'uns, the main man in charge of the smooth flow of the tourney was .... drumroll.... a RED man [Red 2]! He's a friend of mine so I shan't go about too much on his ass. In the crowd, there were murmurs of dissension. Was there gonna be a legal and righteous walkover or not? Or was the kelong element going to rear it's ugly head again based on the handshake pacts and hush hush phone calls of the top echelon. Namely, Blue 1 and Red 1. Now, we consider the implications.

In the event that the Blue PPL had already plonked their effort and ass on the court awaiting the match and there was no walkover forthcoming, a lot of "face" will now be lost. The Blue PPL are gonna be generating some chewy phlegm to greet Blue 1 in the event that he allows a "friendly-let's just play it another day" end state. Red 2 as the overall co-ordinator is gonna be looked down on for seemingly siding with his Red counterparts although his position should in fact guarantee impartial judgments.

End? There WAS a walkover. Not before lots of badgering and foul faces. Still, it was a thin line between polluting the minds of 18-19 year olds that rules and regulations are just superficially there to look good on printed paper whereas they're easily bent and rendered void based on some top echelon agreements. Though, this didn't occur here, it IS permeating thru all levels of our society. Work, school, social settings and what not. The moment you show it obviously that rules can be bent based on whims, then why the fuck do you bother to pen out rules anyway?

Still, there is another group of bozos who don't even know why a regulation is there and what exactly it regulates. As long as it is in a nice red leather covered binder. Observe below.

When asked why a certain rule was such back in Secondary 3, a brilliant teacher retorts:

"Rules are meant to be followed because they are rules!"

Adieu!

Soccerama

Just reminiscing about the past 4 months with the boys and yeah, I'm gonna fuckin miss them. Each and everyone of the cadets. One of the happier moments apart from the daily "chanting" we receive that has landed at least one of us one step closer to an appointment with the ear doctor.

Why does one voluntarily come up with a proposal to organize a street soccer tournament? Cos, you're damn cock sure you're gonna win it that's why.

A small tete a tete with the a member of the team that finished 3rd reveals all.

He: Wah, you damn steady ah. Organize the tournament. Go and choose the medal. Buy the medal. Collect the medal. Later, awarded the medal.

Me: Ah boh. If not do for what?

Ma boys, the winners, in white vests. Staff in white too. Yellow are 3rd. Orange are 2nd. Booya! Interestingly the only 3 who didn't play on our team are the three "sideliners" from the course:

I wouldn't dare close this topic without some bragging. A vid of the magical steal and shot and "almost" goal. "Almost" Goal 3 of a 7-3 routing:

For maximum appreciation, do rewind and play, rewind and play till you get it in your dumb numbskull, Jabroni!

Risque Rice

And so it is just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me most of the time. And so it is the shorter story. No love, no glory, no hero in her skies.

And so it is just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze most of the time. And so it is the colder water, the blower's daughter. The pupil in denial.

Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you......
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind.........off you.

Uniformed Politics

What kinda political system are we really in? Democracy? Socialist? Democratic socialism? Socialist democracy?

I say we're actually really communist. Judging from how workplace politics works in most of our civil and corporate joints.

Not going into specific details and time periods lest I get banged for getting factual incidents wrong, this is a comparative study on the great tiger, China and us [all aspects of our daily work].

1. People were often forced to make self criticisms by people who apparently were incapable of mistakes.

I see this every fuckin day. 2 cases in point. See, I have a bloke who works with me. To call him a colleague would be to fuckin glorify his already scum like presence. He's the kind who stands on a lower footing than one and yet "good naturedly for the good of the people" decides he is qualified enough to teach and impart his already limited knowledge on the subject at hand. Have you ever come across people who don't know jack shit yet profess to be experts? Yes, a handy skill when you are chatting up a chick who is into Impressionist Art. But, not if you are talking about technical expertise on a highly isolated subject and job scope. Did I mention, he is infallible? The Debrief King we call him. He fucks it up, he debriefs you. You fuck it up, he debriefs you too. What gives?

Recently, there was another major incident that could have resulted in the death of someone who had collapsed just cos of major incompetency and lack of balls to take a decision-itis. Yet, when the shit hit the fan, people didn't quite rush to the defence of the guy who DID have the balls to make a quick decision to possibly save a human life. Instead, they held back their comments in support to see what tack the higher-ups will take. Just like if Chairman Mao says you are a "capitalist roader", these are the ones who will quickie label ya and even pay for the tattoo for it on your forehead willingly with their last penny as long as their immediate boss says that's the way it goes.

P.S. None of the characters in the second tale is me.

2. Don't be fooled by being asked to speak up about your grievances. It is a death-trap.

I believe the fashionable word for this is "open reporting" or "workplace climate survey". Something like when the Communists said tell us your grievances and we'll sort it out. Most of them got labelled as siding with the capitalist powers trying to inject poison into their foolproof system and got tortured and hanged as a result. Or imprisoned in-house.

Last year, when a similar climate survey was done. 4 people I know flagged up very pertinent points on the incompetency of their big boss vehemently. Guess what? They weren't even given the survey to do this time. How cool is that? Less paperwork. Less bad press more importantly.

Personally, you speak up against someone who thinks they got it all sewed up just fine just invites a labelling of "bad attitude", "going against the grain", "attempting to incite the innocents against the system". Seriously, go fuck yourself. If you're wrong and basically sometimes suck at doing your job, you should be told so and not be a sensitive teenage prick when told so. If you're wrong all the time, you should be thrown out of your appointment and asked to take a hike. Because every second more you occupy that seat is a danger to the mental and physical states of everyone under you.

3. The Boss is right. Whichever boss it is.

Ask anyone who is involved in a permanent job. No one really gives a flying fuck how the entire organization functions, except when it comes to salaries and bonuses. What matters most is your immediate and direct superior. See, you may go through 3 to 4 levels to hit the real Big Boss, but it's the one you directly report to first that's the most vital. Most vital to mental incapacity that is. Interestingly, when addressing any manpower grievances, the organization you work in probably thinks flinging money at you will make you stay longer and keep your gap shut. What about job satisfaction? What about working under incompetent losers? People who claim their own typographical and oral errors are of your stupidity and bad hearing.

Back in Communist China [like as if their political slants have changed], the local councils or chapters meant shit to the main man. If he says, make steel. You make steel. No one cares if you can't eat steel as opposed to crops. You just make steel.

Weed them out! Cut them with shears. Hear them scream. The next time you think the one directly above you is crap and looks out for their ass more than the hundreds below him, ask for a transfer. Better yet, quit. Trust me, it will be the best decision of your life.

Adieu!

4 Values

It's the norm or fad these days to quickly institute a plethora of values or principles we should adopt and follow to the T to ensure that the organization follows the same frequency and achieve maximum results.

Even at primary school, some values are fed into the syllabus and case-studies shown or talked about subliminally reinforcing the need to uphold that value. In my workplace we have 4 values we're supposed to abide by. Competency, Tenacity, Fortitude and Dynamism. And so, one fine day, like on many other fine (and rainy) days, some smart dude told another smart dude: "Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could do a presentation to correlate the 4 values? It'd look great!".

And thus the bow was strung, the arrow flew and it pierces all in its path, mercilessly. Regardless of race, language or religion. How do you put these 4 supposed all encompassing values together and still make it look seamless? Thankfully, we had beer.

This was the most brilliant thing I've ever heard or come up with in my lifetime. Pity, of all things lacking in my organization, a sense of humour is top on the list.

Now, visualize:

Slide 1: Welcome Slide
Slide 2: Scope
Slide 3: The Lottery Game [in big bold letters with Star Wars accompaniment music]
Slide 4: "Every week without fail, we buy 4D. Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, everyday also we go and buy" ---> FORTITUDE
Slide 5: "When we buy, we buy damn fierce wan if we think we sure tiok. Sometimes 50 big 50 small" ---> TENACITY
Slide 6: "When we decide what number to buy, we know which circles to shade on the forms. Never has a 4D slip gone to waste under our watchful eyes" ----> COMPETENCY
Slide 7: "Notwithstanding 4D, TOTO and Singapore Sweep also we whack on a weekly and monthly basis" ---> DYNAMISM
Slide 8: Conclusion
Slide 9: QnA


Adieu!

Touch Me Education

Self - explanatory sequence of pictures. To think we wasted our goddamn time reading Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys and The 3 Investigators. Life skills cum fairy tale stories. This is the new age kiddie story book. Enjoy.

Second Wind

What if you could get a second wind and do it all better again? Like your O levels or that soccer final you lost cos that last minute goal crept in, rolling painfully across the line way past everyone else's outstretched legs?

Seek your second wind. Might be one of the few things you actually are lucky to have.


Adieu!

NLBrouhaha

The NLB recently sent out many many letters, all in professional 3 fold, tear away papery thingies to recover the millions of fines that errant book borrowers like yourself owe the gahmen. Unfortunately, I wasn't sent any. I just borrow your book and never give it back.

So, ultimately my dad, god rest the soul of his defunt library card got sent a fine for 30 cents for 2 books he apparently didn't return in 2002. Quite fair I suppose, that the NLB's system is so solid to keep the database accurate like even 5 years down the road. Still, some discrepancies are to be noted:

1. Why would a man who reads The New Paper and only that, borrow 2 cookery books?

2. Why wait 5 years?

3. Didn't the cost of the fuckin 3 fold paper thingie with irritating perforated sections PLUS postage become more than 30 cents anyway?

4. How dumb is it that the NLB says, any fines over $60 they are writing off but they are chasing blokes for their meagre 30 cents. [30 cents being the amount of spare change the average taxi user drops in the backseat due to the ample space in their jeans pockets.]

5. Wouldn't chasing the big money criminals be more worthwhile?


But wait, there IS an Indian angle to this too. As I tottered into home, the night of the great Street Soccer Gold medal win [story to be told later], before even my non-regulation DKNY socks came off, there was a distant voice of oppression echoing around the living room.

If there's one thing I enjoy most about observing our middle aged parents receive an official looking letter, it is the absolute superficiality they view it with. Case in point, my dad who threw away as soon as he glimpsed a Starhub letter with some footy stuff on it. His assumption? Fuckers gonna make us pay more money for channels we don't need. The reality? Fuckers were giving us 2 new free channels for the money we were already paying. Goal TV 1 & 2.

So, with this NLB inject came new assumptions.

Assumption 1: Who is the one who took your dad's card and went to Marine Parade library to borrow books?

Follow up: Must be you shanker, borrowed some cookery book for a girl la must be. 2002 you were in secondary school right? [I was in the fuckin ARMY already! I only had time to book out, drink till smashed and book in!]. So, must be you then [finger pointed in direction of younger sibling], your school was near marine parade so you went there! [urmz, what the fuck would i borrow cookery books for?!]. Ok then, think it must be me. Maybe I forgot. But I've no idea why I would have used your dad's card. [All nod heads in unison.]

Reality: This assumption that the books were borrowed from Marine Parade library were due only because of the return address stamped on the mailer. Obviously the main HQ address, here being Marine Parade was printed on the upper left.

Myth busted!

Assumption 2: See, la this Varaprasad, take over the library only start chasing people for money.

Follow up: This is what all those new people who come into the job do la. Chase people for money try to make a name for themselves. Assholes.

Reality: Dr N Varaprasad took over the appointment as CEO of NLB on 15th Sept 2004. It has already been 3 years and more. The NLB wrote off $3.5 million worth of unrecoverable fines last fiscal year. This assumption came about because the man who signs off on this "Pay up your fine motherfucker" letter is the CEO himself. Perhaps to put across that the order comes from the very top. Alas, like as in all organizations, the one who takes the brunt of the displeasure that arises from new developments is the man who signs on the dotted line.

Myth busted!

Addendum: Did you know that the bar codes on your IC or library card or whatever other card that can read your IC number are not dependent on the magnetic strips they are printed on. What I'm trying to say is, information on your IC number is not stored within the magnetic strips. Bar codes use a complex way of different widths of lines to denote each number that the scanner reads. It has nothing to do with the magnetism of them all. Implication? Anyone with a photostated IC can also borrow a book. [Practice is quite prevalent in some organizations where lunch rations have to be accounted for by scanning your IC in a machine]. So, the next time you photostat your IC conveniently for the M1/Singtel/Starhub bloke or when you send in a credit card application, you're just setting yourself up for another barrage of fine payments in the year 2012.

Well, at least the mailer will take 5 years to come. Good on you if the amount is over $60, at least it'll get written off.

Adieu!

The Burmese Brawl

Why not help out a good cause, like as if Aung San Suu Kyi really ever mattered to me. Smash up all those ancient works of art I say.


Hi Friends,

We've been watching this on the news, and have all been equally horrified at the senseless violence perpetuated against a peaceful people.

Last tuesday, Buddhist monks and nuns, revered in Burma, began marching and chanting prayers. The protests spread as hundreds of thousands of ordinary people and public figures joined in, finding the hope they’d lost. Now they’re facing crackdown – so please, show your solidarity to this movement towards reconciliation and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people -- it'll be delivered to United Nations Security Council members and international media all week:

Burma is ruled by one of the most brutal military dictatorships in the world. For decades the Burmese regime has fought off pressure--imprisoning elected leader Aung San Suu Kyi and democracy activists, wiping out thousands of villages, imposing forced labour, creating refugees-

In the past, Burma's military rulers have massacred the demonstrators. The world must stand with the Burmese people at this time, to show the military rulers that the world will not tolerate repression and violence.

Right now, global leaders are gathering in New York for the annual United Nations summit. In speeches, press interviews but also in real actions, we need them to show Burma's military junta that the global community is willing to act in solidarity with the protesters.

Show your solidarity to this movement for peace and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people. It'll be delivered to UN Security Council members and the UN press corps all week:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_burma/tf.php?cl_tf_sign=1

Thank you for your help guys. We might not be able to do much, but that doesn't mean that we have to do NOTHING!

Sign the Petition. Please

Divya

Chinglified

As an air traffic controller, the least you expect one of us to be proficient in is the command of the English language. We use big big words on a daily basis like "expedite", "accomodate", "facillitate" and other high level upper primary vocab so that dumb fuck pilots one and all are able to take instructions and follow them to the T.

Secondary in priority is our knowledge of basic geometry. Turn right 360, turn left 030, knowing if you can turn a guy's head towards another's tail elegantly. Basically, making sure, you never ever bring two guys together but "Keep 'em seperated" [hola! Offspring].

Now and then you come across the much praised and exalted JC population, some hailing from smart fuck institutions like HCJC, NJC, SAJC and other monuments who sadly think English is just a substitute language for the times when you can't speak Mandarin. It's like how we switch to Tamil when we don't want someone else to eavesdrop. It's quite an obvious switch, yet we do it anyway, claiming it as our minority right. Well, to most of the blokes I work with, English is their minority right. They only use it to cleave away the roots of uncertainty.

Trust me you. It is much much easier screaming "Whole lot KNOCK IT DOWN!", then attempting to do the same in Mandarin which may/may not elicit sniggers instead. Found a tale that describes the pain of the non-Chinglified. [not me.]


Ah Kow was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is how:

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.


10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Adieu!

Overheard at Work

Scene 1

So, we was having some discussion on pretty high level matters albeit in low level surroundings over smokes and beers.

Big Fuck: So, what do you think can be done about "this this this" and "that that that"
Me: Frankly, Sir, I am not going to answer this question because it is not within my pay grade to do so.

Scene 2

There's a lot of talk these days on how the workforce manpower management and culture is going to morph with 3G this and 3G that [woe begone the days where 3G was only meant for mobile phones].

Big Fuck: So, how are all of you getting along with this new 3G system?

Smart Alec: Sir, doesn't what 3G really mean is that now 1 man does 3 men's jobs?

Big Fuck: [now, this blew us away cos we thought he was gonna get defensive] Yeah, I suppose you could say that in a way. Apparently SOME people feel that the more technologically advanced we get, less people need be there to run the show. Still, I have but one piece of advise for those of you caught in a piled up work fix now.

Smart Alec: And what is that?

Big Fuck: Hear this and hear it good. My own boss told me this before. "What you can do tomorrow.... Don't do today". There you go. This should solve the problem.

Scene 3

After sussing out a lot of suggestions from the ground on how to improve Workplace Safety, a decision was made to put a red warning box outside all doors at work that open outwards. Brilliant idea and it did have its desired effect.

Via e-mail:

Biggest Fuck of the Joint: So, tell me, why did you choose red as the colour of the box instead of anyother colour? Nothing important just generally curious.

Guy who enforced the idea: Well, Sir, initially I thought of yellow so that it gives a better contrast against the grey concrete.

Biggest Fuck of the Joint: Yeah, I thought so too. So why didn't you?

Guy who enforced the idea: Sir, there are really no lack of idiots in this joint. I am willing to stake my half month bonus on the fact that some idiot sooner or later will be using the warning yellow box as a smoking point.

Biggest Fuck of the Joint: You mean there are idiots here?


Adieu!

2nd Paradox

A competition in the Washington Post on paradoxical second lines to follow a romantic first line.


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your sister.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
Whose dick did you suck to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

Aft Note

On an aft note, regular posts will resume. What other hilarious happenings are there then what occurs day to day in the life of a soldier.

B.D.A.Y

So, the birthday came and went. Thanks for the wishes and the very "useful" presents. I'm sure edible panties will be a good munchkin after I saddle up on a good book after a long day.

Big up to the boys in camp. I liked Anand's cake better though [mostly cos I was the one who personalized it], still fruits is better than no fruits. Good thought on my part to play footy with my keys in my pocket lest my bed frame, mattress and cupboard go missing whilst I was kicking it.

And thanks lovelies for the pre, ongoing and post-dinner entertainment. Release release release.

I'm beat.

Adieu!

Open Legs

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs"

Stupefied Students

Clearing out junk mail from months back, why should only I suffer the torture of viewing "has beens".

For your viewing pleasure: