Word Play

Today is English and word play day. Amazingly, it really helps to grab attention and take close to 1hr 15 mins off your 1.5 hour tuition slot. Back to the old adage where no one who works actually does any work.

An Anti-American researcher:

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The "Make your form teacher make you stand on one leg on the table" questions:

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

For the "Guy who never got over Da Vinci Code":

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

And because you have been so patient to witness my skillful cut and paste from chain email job, I shall give you a link. Something you should hit before hitting the library. Click HERE.

Job Titillation

Ok, here's a brain knocking competition for you. You know how a lift operator can be a multi level systems engineer? And others in the same vein.

Well, have a go at these job descriptions and give me out of the world job titles. Place answers in comments section. For inspiration to kick start your noggin, go over THESE first.

Job Description 1

- Interpret accounts and use trend and ratio analyses
- Manage the company’s cash flow
- Keep financial records and prepare year-end financial statements for shareholders
- Ensure checks and balances in the financial system

Job Description 2

- Prepare lessons that engage and stimulate students
- Monitor students’ social development through counselling and working with parents and other partners
- Plan and facilitate co-curricular activities, programmes and school functions

Job Description 3

- Design and code instructions in a suitable computer programming language
- Write documentation that describes installation and opening procedures
- Work with system designers to debug or correct errors in the code
- Produce a list of program functions for users to follow

Church Humour

Taken off chain mail: There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up signs from time to time. Some of these were of course viewer contributions and not real signs. All I gotta say is some people have WAY too much time on their hands. Which is why God invented, Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V.

CHURCH CARPARK SIGNS:

CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!"

PASTOR'S SPOT
YOU PARK, YOU PREACH

CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:

"No God - No Peace"
"Know God - Know Peace."

"Free Trip to Heaven."
"Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays."
"They're better than Dairy Queen's".

"Searching for a new look?"
"Have your faith lifted here!"

"People are like tea bags."
"You have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"Fight truth decay."
"Study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity?"
"Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. "

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch."
"What is missing? - (U R)"

"In the dark?"
"Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith?"
"Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."
"Talk to the Shepherd."

"Come work for the Lord."
"The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

church, humour, joke, sign
Generated By Technorati Tag Generator

Ai Pia Jia Eh Ya

When I used to be Chinese [back in the days of "you cut ah neh, he's yellow inside"], I'm pseudo Malay now; this was the only song you needed to know every other KTV session, coffeeshop drinking session and general burst into song due to merry mood. It earns you tons of brownie points especially since your surname has no Chinese influence in it anyway.

Other good artistes to harmonize are Teresa Teng [Tian Mi Mi, Ni Wen Wo Ai] and evergreen 4 Heavenly Kings' ballads. Aaron Kwok, Andy Lau, Leslie Cheung and Leon Lai.

jit xi xi ji em mien wan kan
jit xi lo bie em mien tan han
na tang xi ki hee bang mui li jui bang bang
boh huen wu teh qin chiu biu chao lang
jin xing ko bi si hai xiong eh po long
wu xi ki wu xi lo ho yun pai yun
zong ma jiao ki kang lai kia
sa hun ti chu tia chit hun ko pa pia
ai pia jia eh yiah

Meaning of song: If you chiong, you sure win.

Adieu!

ROE

Has anyone noticed that the much affable and androgynous [by name only] Minister, Vivian USED to make sense to us. And then suddenly he looks and sounds like he has been cast in the same mould of countless members of his party before his time?

The Government is now coming up with Rules of Engagement for new media. New media meaning blogs, random sites and bulletin boards. Anywhere where a member of our country can put up his words and thoughts for all to view will encapsulate new media. That, the birth of the Internet proper has been dated back to 1990 points to actually a 17 year lag between realizing, analyzing and reacting towards the emergence of the new way of the Jedi, the online way.

These are some excerpts from CNA's feature last night:

The government will continue to set political agendas and rules of engagement in the face of the new media, and will not be dictated by online petitions or polls.

And while it will try to balance the diverse interests of the society when it comes to issues of sex, nudity and violence online, it said it would not hesitate to prosecute those who post seditious or racially offensive content in cyberspace.

"All we need is the government to selectively target those who pose a clear risk to the real world. Consequently, we have seen no need to suppress new media unless specific laws are broken by posting seditious or racially offensive content which has come to our attention and gained traction in our society.

Similarly, when it comes to alternative lifestyle, sex, nudity, violence or coarse language in cyberspace, the government will practise what is called 'ceremonial censorship' � drawing a line in cyberspace but taking into account the evolution of society.

Dr Balakrishnan feels the most potent impact the new media will have on politics is that politicians will find it hard to lie in future as there will always be citizens who will publish the truth in blogs or online.

"So what really keeps me awake at night is the excitement of being able to live through a revolution. Just like you, I stay at the side and watch it all happen in our lifetime," added Dr Balakrishnan.

That the hardline term of ROE has been used to term this effort goes to only insinuate that a military/policing method will be applied to the topic at hand. However, what use is indicating clear OB markers for racially seditious, sex-filled, violence inspired posts when it is even unclear what is exactly sedition, too violent and too sexy? Basically, what we can look forward to are certain laws that will in fact govern the uncertain. Stuff where offensiveness is graded not by a numerical scale but in fact by emotions and opinions. Very real laws and punishments will in fact govern the intangible.

The government also has swore off even giving a slightest bit of credibility to online polls or petitions. A carefully placed stumbling block perhaps as the usage of the virtual world is right about the only way to activate large numbers of people to your cause instead of approaching them individually. So, if you are not in support of future policies, forget about petitioning the lawmakers online, instead do it old school and clamber up and down 25 flights of stairs attempting to collect signatures. In simpler terms, if you disagree, prepare to work your ass off.

"Selectively target". We have heard this term so many times from all the different ministers concerning a myriad of topics that it has become a Singaporean cliche. Select and Target could well be synonyms and to place them together in a phrase and use it millions of times over the years just speaks of a slight word-con job. It could also mean that instead of broad based "one size fits all" laws of the future and new media. Expect active policing, where relevant agencies like the SPF and MDA perhaps are on the trawl daily to catch sedition and violence and sex red handed, freshly posted.

What I could never understand was ceremonial censorship. What the fuck does this term mean? I censor you just because it has become a tradiitonal thing to do so. We traditionally have refused to recognize and allow the gay community to emerge as a group capable of fitting into society's entangled web so we term them "alternative lifestyle" and still push them under the carpet?

Vivian's point that politicians will not lie in future due to citizen journalism I feel is too far fetched to be even incorporated into a non-biased article. Come on dude, this is Singapore. Even if hypothetically, some dude knew that you shoplifted those WWF stickers and got caught and caned way back in Primary 4, no one is gonna fucking come forward to expose you. Especially if you are in the ruling party. Do you really think they would now do so under the cloak of anonymity on a blog? Nay. Even primary schoolers know what an IP address stands for. You need more than new media to wipe out this sense of fear of repercussions. You'd need a revolution.

Here's where my point of Vivian starting NOT to make sense in recent times comes alight in true form: "So what really keeps me awake at night is the excitement of being able to live through a revolution. Just like you, I stay at the side and watch it all happen in our lifetime". A classic "NNB, Don't bluff me la." moment?

Adieu!

Cab Convo

I have this inclination to get along with cab drivers. As long as they are not blur cunts and a half, un-tortoise like in speed and do not exhibit any signs of gross unhygiene.

The opening gambit with whatever tale is definitely to set the tone that I know exactly what the bloke is grumbling about since my pops is a cab driver too. Just last week from Marine Parade to AMK, I met one such man.

History:

Ex-minimart owner who realized that just because the tills are full doesn't mean the wallets are full after all the accounting is done.

Has 1 son who graduated in sports psychology, is based in Aussie and requests for truckloads of Maggi Mee to be shipped to him each month cos food is so expensive over there.

Has 1 daughter who works in DHL and handles the shipping, free.

Has dreams of God, Tua Pek Kong in particular and through these dreams has amassed a cumulative total of $1 million in 4D winnings to date.

A portion of our conversation in these 2 videos. Darkness cloaks his identity. Other topics that we discussed were:

1. China women and how they make taxi drivers go bankrupt.

2. Kelong in soccer.

3. The Singapore Government.

4. How to constantly cuss in Hokkien and make it seem au naturale. My kinda guy. Everybody now, Nabei Cheebai! KNN.

And so my esteemed audience, it is my sincere belief that in order to show off the true flavour of our nation. The kaleidoscope that is us. We should employ all cab drivers as the designated tour guides. The ideal travelogue option would be to sit through a 1 hour coffeeshop chat with one of these highly intellectual and prized individuals and not to sit on open-top buses to be brought to public attractions that have definitely seen better days.

This was my 1 hour chat [paid by him of course, AFTER a steep discount on my fare]:

Puke Pit Stop

Finally hit the "View Drafts" button and found a piece that should have seen the light of day back in the days when I still inhabited AMK.

Recently, my block underwent a flurry of touch up and maintenance works. The water tank on the roof was cleaned up, new water pipes replaced the old ones [with a horrid full day cut water supply], vandalism scrubbed off the walls [loanshark msgs] and common areas given a good cut+wash+blow+colour.

I only managed to notice one of these changes though immediately because it was ultimately screaming for attention. I mean what kinda bozos paint a 2 foot by 2 foot square onto concrete? It's almost like putting up a sign saying "Someone fucked this up, and we repaired it with the most economical thing we could do". View the disaster:


Now what exactly was below that painted square? Ah, for this we need to rewind time back to the days when I was 19 and stumbling home dead drunk almost every single time I managed to get off the booze. It was a fateful night shared by the three of us. SOHK, myself and the shortie [unnamed because he's easily identifiable by the undergrads who read me]. I still can't recollect where we went to get the boozing done, what I do recall vividly was the aftermath.

Without any trust that the shortie could get back without being stretchered back, I offered my home as a pit stop to rest the weary bones and mind and to set off in the morning. I live on the 8th floor. That's a 4 flight of stairs climb from the 6th. He managed to hold it in up the first 3 but gave up before the final ascent. I would describe the final artwork on the floor as a "splat". If you can't picture a splat, here's something it would have looked like except the insides were of course half digested Chinese seafood.


So, the tale continues with shortie puking his guts out [at least that's what we thought]. We ended up in my flat and my mum graciously puts out this massive bed in the hall for all 3 drunkards to rest our heads. I insisted on sleeping on my own bed, it is not a good feeling to share a resting place with 2 others whose alcohol breath could get you to puke too.

So, shortie lay down, for a maximum of 3 seconds. He turned over on his side and went at it again. No matter how much you've drunk, this is the kind of episode that just kicks you right out of that illusionary state and into the real world. In Tamil, suuru thelinjitdu. Me and SOHK scramble to move the infidel to the washroom region where puke is easily washed away and need not be recalled in the morning in sober aftermath. Shortie lies at the entrance of my toilet, puking air for the next 15 minutes. The mum is woken up as usual [she's a light sleeper] and she does some minor clean up at the bed area.

Entire saga finishes like 45 fuckin minutes later with all 3 of us nestled into that huge mattress waiting for sunlight so everyone can haul ass and not face the matriarch in embarassment.

Lesson learnt? Don't throw up in places where "I know what you did last summer" syndrome hits you. Instead, observe the subtle steps you can undertake to ensure an evidence-less puke fest.

1. Select more appropriate location such as this:

2. View benefits of location:

a. Over the railing food particles and liquids do not litter the ground floor but instead the 7th floor parapet.

b. Parapet is a habitat for sparrows and the occasional mynah. All egested food is quickly ingested by 9 am the next morning.

c. In the event, that very very drunkeness prevents proper aiming over the railing, fertilize the flower pots instead. Soil is a very useful tool. Dig deep and cover after use.


Adieu!

Conjunction-itis

I am not totally prepared to push out the new place post because I'd like it to be more comprehensive than what I already have at hand. All I will say for starters is that I have not felt such pride ever before. Not even topping the PSLE at my school, nor my commissioning parade.

In other news, apart from the Sumatran earthquake [like it doesn't happen all the time for there to be a furore now], my entire family was hit with conjunctivitis. One of the perils of driving a cab for 12 hours a day is that you end up ingesting a whole lotta germs and bacteria you wouldn't have come into contact with. This in conjunction with the already aching right and left feet and back and butt. I is feel my "lao pa's" pain.

So, I turned up at home to get the final stuff. All boxed up and ready to go. A bit saddening really, that in 24 years, all my worldly possessions only filled 3 big boxes and a cart [computer stuff]. My mum had this cool eyeglasses on. The word that flashed through my mind was "pimp". In fact "a clockwork orange" also came to mind. Bottomline? They were hideous. Oval BLUE lenses. She looked like a fashion disaster. I had to rescue her. So, I fished out my never used Ray Bans [filched off one of the Malay blokes who end up losing their accessories when they gain more alcohol] and placed it on her. Now, she looked good. Like a first class fashion icon good enough to share the stage with Sting or Bono in one of their charity concerts.

Candid Shot. Attempt 1.

Posed shot. After adjusting her top, gold chain and grinning for the phone camera.

The dad however had already procured a pair of shades that kinda set alive his film star fantasies. Problem was, he took great offence that I said he resembled MGR. He was a die-die Sivaji fan. The only bit I couldn't fathom was that he kept complaining the flashlight I was testing out wasn't bright enough. Duh? You're wearing shades!


So, trying not to look into their eyes, I kinda cleaned house and ciaoed. All was well till my eye started to ache. A coupla eyedrops later I thought I was clean and retired for the night. Bad mistake. One puffy eyed shanker got up in the morning. The blokes at school all but had to threaten to beat up on me to get me to go to the doctor's. So, I did.

Story still hasn't ended. Now, the girlfriend is also sore-eyed and dazed and thinking of how best to escape the drudgery of work life. I is feel her pain too. In fact, I feel the pain of all sore eyed mofos in the world. Now all that's left to do is to punish the evil "I can undress you with my eyes" looking foreign workers in my block. I'll get to that later. A little discharge on all the lift buttons should do the trick.

Live evil.

Since, I haven't entertained for long. Do enjoy these links I managed to find and waste more company time doing your private stuff. Because, you're worth it.

1. You know how pissed we get when someone in the USA still thinks Singapore is a part of China? Run through here to see other "myths" of doofuses around the world. Amazing stuff, HERE.

2. Whatever happened to "wax on wax off" Karate Kid? For more of "where are they now?" trivia, browse this site, HERE.

Adieu!

Late

Apologies for the late showing. I is without internet access. Will be back with photos and descrips. Hopefully.

Cheers

Adieu!

Tomorrow-ed!

Another first. I've been tomorrow-ed! For those who are too stone-aged to know what's tomorrow.sg, have a look at the site and it's pretty elementary what it's about.

My 500 clicks and 24 hours of fame: HERE
The post that got me there: HERE
Flagged by bro DOM: HERE

And to everyone who came here from there, feel free to look around. I is genius.

Adieu!