Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all going to die."

Moral: Any job can be done with the right method of execution. I fink.

Contribution: ArchVik

Bee Bee

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BEE BEE
!!!!

7 Nations

See la bee. Can't get it out of my head now. Thump, thump, thump.

I'm gonna fight 'em all
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back

And I'm talking to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette
And the message coming from my eyes
Says leave it alone

Don't want to hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell

And if I catch it coming back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that aint what you want to hear
But thats what I'll do
And the feeling coming from my bones
Says find a home

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera for evermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will sing no more
And the stains coming from my blood
Tell me go back home

10 Simple Rules

Amen. I think this should be printed and kept for when our daughters are born.

Top Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Adieu!

Gahmen Gems

Don't you love it when the loving ones you pay $100,000 a month to come up with gems?

“Retrenchment is good for singapore. If there is no retrenchments, then I worry.” - SM Goh

“I don’t think that there should be a cap on the number of directorship that a person can hold.” - PAP MP John Chen who holds 8 directorships.

“It’s not for the money because some of the companies pay me as little as $10,000 a year.” - PAP MP Wang Kai Yuen who holds 11 directorships.

“If you want to dance on a bar top, some of us will fall off the bar Top. Some people will die as a result of liberalising bar top dancing… a young girl with a short skirt dancing on it may attract some insults from some other men, the boyfriend will start fighting and some people will die.” - Vivian Balakrishnan, Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports

“I would want to form an alternative policies group in Parliament, comprising 20 PAP MPs. These 20 PAP MPs will be free to vote in accordance with what they think of a particular policy. In other words, the whip for them will be lifted. This is not playing politics, this is something which I think is worthwhile doing.” - SM Goh

“If you sing Jailhouse Rock with your electric guitar when others are playing Beethoven, you are out of order. The whip must be used on you.” - SM Goh again, on a dramatic u-turn, rethink or backtrack, whatever you call it.

“Save on one hairdo and use the money for breast screening.” - another gem from Lim Hng Kiang

“We started off with (the name) and after looking at everything, the name that really tugged at the heartstrings was in front of us. The name itself is not new, but what has been used informally so far has endeared itself to all parties.” - Mah Bow Tan on the $400,000 exercise to rename Marina Bay as Marina Bay.

“Having enjoyed football as a national sport for decades, we in Singapore have set ourselves the target of reaching the final rounds of World Cup in 2010.” - Ho Peng Kee

“Only 5% are unemployed. We still have 95% who are employed.” - Yeo Cheow Tong

“Singaporean workers have become more expensive than those in the USA and Australia.” - Tony Tan

“People support CPF cuts because there are no protest outside parliament.” - PM Lee

“No, it was not a U-turn, and neither was it a reversal of government policy. But you can call it a rethink.” - Yeo Cheow Tong

“…I regret making the decision because, in the end, the baby continued to be in intensive care, and KKH now runs up a total bill of more than $300,000…” - Lim Hng Kiang, regretting the decision to save a baby’s life because KKH ran up a $300,000 bill

“Without the elected president and if there is a freak result, within two or three years, the army would have to come in and stop it.” - MM Lee Kuan Yew

“Please do not assume that you can change governments. Young people don’t understand this” - Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew, post-2006 General Elections

Source: Singabloodypore

Multi Racial Ma

"We owe our security, we owe our stability, we owe our economic success to our multiracial society and to the fact that our different races are able to live together and build our society together. This is actually our core value."

Link

And so mused the National Development minister. Apart from the scorn and accusations of ineffectiveness a lot of people throw at him, perhaps he has done one better this time round. This whole issue of "multi racialism" is so overrated.

Mee pok dry is good; multi racial food servers, chefs and coffeeshop workers. Coffee is up ten cents when a 2% increase over previous GST would be 2% of 60 cents: 1.2 cents. Got to be multi racialism and diversity and what not "gotong royong" mish mash we're subjected to. Your MRT runs on time; multiracial drivers and station staff made it happen. Your SBS buses stink to the core; multi racial cleaners, drivers and passengers help to induce the pain. If multi racialism is such a standard attribute of the success of this nation, what about the failures? Don't all us blokes multi racially contribute to fuckin things up in the little ways we can and are subject to each and every day?

Putting it in perspective, these are the dudes who are responsible for each of what he said.

Security: Cops, SAF and the unnamed James Bond types who we still do not know where they operate from.

Stability: SAF and its score of kick ass weapons and operators, good governance and policy.

Economic Success: Good govermental policies and investment arms.

What all this 3 have to do with the fact that we're a kaleidoscope of Indians, Malays, Chinese and Others? No idea except to perpetuate the old adage. Still, the one who coined the term has to be the most brilliant of them all. Reminds me of how the oldies rant and rave about the merits of their caste. "He's so rich ah? Cos he's Chettiar la that's why", "Oh, that boy was quite brave, I think he's Thevar". Balls to you understand?

Adieu!

I've learnt

Quite a stunner of a chain e-mail I received recently. For all manners and purposes, we can safely assume, I'm back. Grin.

I’ve learned.....maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how birthdays you have celebrated.

I’ve learned.....its took me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned.....you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is up to them.

I’ve learned.....no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned.....it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned.....either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned.....its not what you have in your life but who you have in life that counts.

I’ve learned.....you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believe it.

I’v'e learned.....you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned.....you can do something in an instant that which will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned.....you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned.....we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned.....real heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned.....sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned.....sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned.....no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned.....it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned.... .no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned.....our background and circumstances may have influence on who we are, but we are responsible for what we become.

I’ve learned.....just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned.....we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned.....even when I have pain, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned.....credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned.....the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. Cherish and appreciate them now.

I’ve learned.....its hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up to what you believe.

I’ve learned.....life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned.....making a “living” is not the same thing as making a ”life.”

I’ve learned.....we are born with two eyes in front because we must not always look behind but see what lies ahead beyond ourselves. We are born with two ears, one left and one right, so that we can hear both sides, collect both the compliments and criticisms. We are born with a brain concealed in a skull, then no matter how poor we seem to be, we are still rich and no one can steal what our brain contains. We are born with two eyes, two ears but one mouth for the mouth is a sharp weapon. It can hurt, flirt and kill: remember our motto --- talk less, listen and see more. We are born with only one heart, deep in our ribs and it reminds us to appreciate and give love from deep within. Real beauty lies not in the physical appearance, but in the heart.