Second Wind

What if you could get a second wind and do it all better again? Like your O levels or that soccer final you lost cos that last minute goal crept in, rolling painfully across the line way past everyone else's outstretched legs?

Seek your second wind. Might be one of the few things you actually are lucky to have.


Adieu!

NLBrouhaha

The NLB recently sent out many many letters, all in professional 3 fold, tear away papery thingies to recover the millions of fines that errant book borrowers like yourself owe the gahmen. Unfortunately, I wasn't sent any. I just borrow your book and never give it back.

So, ultimately my dad, god rest the soul of his defunt library card got sent a fine for 30 cents for 2 books he apparently didn't return in 2002. Quite fair I suppose, that the NLB's system is so solid to keep the database accurate like even 5 years down the road. Still, some discrepancies are to be noted:

1. Why would a man who reads The New Paper and only that, borrow 2 cookery books?

2. Why wait 5 years?

3. Didn't the cost of the fuckin 3 fold paper thingie with irritating perforated sections PLUS postage become more than 30 cents anyway?

4. How dumb is it that the NLB says, any fines over $60 they are writing off but they are chasing blokes for their meagre 30 cents. [30 cents being the amount of spare change the average taxi user drops in the backseat due to the ample space in their jeans pockets.]

5. Wouldn't chasing the big money criminals be more worthwhile?


But wait, there IS an Indian angle to this too. As I tottered into home, the night of the great Street Soccer Gold medal win [story to be told later], before even my non-regulation DKNY socks came off, there was a distant voice of oppression echoing around the living room.

If there's one thing I enjoy most about observing our middle aged parents receive an official looking letter, it is the absolute superficiality they view it with. Case in point, my dad who threw away as soon as he glimpsed a Starhub letter with some footy stuff on it. His assumption? Fuckers gonna make us pay more money for channels we don't need. The reality? Fuckers were giving us 2 new free channels for the money we were already paying. Goal TV 1 & 2.

So, with this NLB inject came new assumptions.

Assumption 1: Who is the one who took your dad's card and went to Marine Parade library to borrow books?

Follow up: Must be you shanker, borrowed some cookery book for a girl la must be. 2002 you were in secondary school right? [I was in the fuckin ARMY already! I only had time to book out, drink till smashed and book in!]. So, must be you then [finger pointed in direction of younger sibling], your school was near marine parade so you went there! [urmz, what the fuck would i borrow cookery books for?!]. Ok then, think it must be me. Maybe I forgot. But I've no idea why I would have used your dad's card. [All nod heads in unison.]

Reality: This assumption that the books were borrowed from Marine Parade library were due only because of the return address stamped on the mailer. Obviously the main HQ address, here being Marine Parade was printed on the upper left.

Myth busted!

Assumption 2: See, la this Varaprasad, take over the library only start chasing people for money.

Follow up: This is what all those new people who come into the job do la. Chase people for money try to make a name for themselves. Assholes.

Reality: Dr N Varaprasad took over the appointment as CEO of NLB on 15th Sept 2004. It has already been 3 years and more. The NLB wrote off $3.5 million worth of unrecoverable fines last fiscal year. This assumption came about because the man who signs off on this "Pay up your fine motherfucker" letter is the CEO himself. Perhaps to put across that the order comes from the very top. Alas, like as in all organizations, the one who takes the brunt of the displeasure that arises from new developments is the man who signs on the dotted line.

Myth busted!

Addendum: Did you know that the bar codes on your IC or library card or whatever other card that can read your IC number are not dependent on the magnetic strips they are printed on. What I'm trying to say is, information on your IC number is not stored within the magnetic strips. Bar codes use a complex way of different widths of lines to denote each number that the scanner reads. It has nothing to do with the magnetism of them all. Implication? Anyone with a photostated IC can also borrow a book. [Practice is quite prevalent in some organizations where lunch rations have to be accounted for by scanning your IC in a machine]. So, the next time you photostat your IC conveniently for the M1/Singtel/Starhub bloke or when you send in a credit card application, you're just setting yourself up for another barrage of fine payments in the year 2012.

Well, at least the mailer will take 5 years to come. Good on you if the amount is over $60, at least it'll get written off.

Adieu!

The Burmese Brawl

Why not help out a good cause, like as if Aung San Suu Kyi really ever mattered to me. Smash up all those ancient works of art I say.


Hi Friends,

We've been watching this on the news, and have all been equally horrified at the senseless violence perpetuated against a peaceful people.

Last tuesday, Buddhist monks and nuns, revered in Burma, began marching and chanting prayers. The protests spread as hundreds of thousands of ordinary people and public figures joined in, finding the hope they’d lost. Now they’re facing crackdown – so please, show your solidarity to this movement towards reconciliation and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people -- it'll be delivered to United Nations Security Council members and international media all week:

Burma is ruled by one of the most brutal military dictatorships in the world. For decades the Burmese regime has fought off pressure--imprisoning elected leader Aung San Suu Kyi and democracy activists, wiping out thousands of villages, imposing forced labour, creating refugees-

In the past, Burma's military rulers have massacred the demonstrators. The world must stand with the Burmese people at this time, to show the military rulers that the world will not tolerate repression and violence.

Right now, global leaders are gathering in New York for the annual United Nations summit. In speeches, press interviews but also in real actions, we need them to show Burma's military junta that the global community is willing to act in solidarity with the protesters.

Show your solidarity to this movement for peace and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people. It'll be delivered to UN Security Council members and the UN press corps all week:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_burma/tf.php?cl_tf_sign=1

Thank you for your help guys. We might not be able to do much, but that doesn't mean that we have to do NOTHING!

Sign the Petition. Please

Divya

Chinglified

As an air traffic controller, the least you expect one of us to be proficient in is the command of the English language. We use big big words on a daily basis like "expedite", "accomodate", "facillitate" and other high level upper primary vocab so that dumb fuck pilots one and all are able to take instructions and follow them to the T.

Secondary in priority is our knowledge of basic geometry. Turn right 360, turn left 030, knowing if you can turn a guy's head towards another's tail elegantly. Basically, making sure, you never ever bring two guys together but "Keep 'em seperated" [hola! Offspring].

Now and then you come across the much praised and exalted JC population, some hailing from smart fuck institutions like HCJC, NJC, SAJC and other monuments who sadly think English is just a substitute language for the times when you can't speak Mandarin. It's like how we switch to Tamil when we don't want someone else to eavesdrop. It's quite an obvious switch, yet we do it anyway, claiming it as our minority right. Well, to most of the blokes I work with, English is their minority right. They only use it to cleave away the roots of uncertainty.

Trust me you. It is much much easier screaming "Whole lot KNOCK IT DOWN!", then attempting to do the same in Mandarin which may/may not elicit sniggers instead. Found a tale that describes the pain of the non-Chinglified. [not me.]


Ah Kow was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is how:

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.


10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Adieu!

Overheard at Work

Scene 1

So, we was having some discussion on pretty high level matters albeit in low level surroundings over smokes and beers.

Big Fuck: So, what do you think can be done about "this this this" and "that that that"
Me: Frankly, Sir, I am not going to answer this question because it is not within my pay grade to do so.

Scene 2

There's a lot of talk these days on how the workforce manpower management and culture is going to morph with 3G this and 3G that [woe begone the days where 3G was only meant for mobile phones].

Big Fuck: So, how are all of you getting along with this new 3G system?

Smart Alec: Sir, doesn't what 3G really mean is that now 1 man does 3 men's jobs?

Big Fuck: [now, this blew us away cos we thought he was gonna get defensive] Yeah, I suppose you could say that in a way. Apparently SOME people feel that the more technologically advanced we get, less people need be there to run the show. Still, I have but one piece of advise for those of you caught in a piled up work fix now.

Smart Alec: And what is that?

Big Fuck: Hear this and hear it good. My own boss told me this before. "What you can do tomorrow.... Don't do today". There you go. This should solve the problem.

Scene 3

After sussing out a lot of suggestions from the ground on how to improve Workplace Safety, a decision was made to put a red warning box outside all doors at work that open outwards. Brilliant idea and it did have its desired effect.

Via e-mail:

Biggest Fuck of the Joint: So, tell me, why did you choose red as the colour of the box instead of anyother colour? Nothing important just generally curious.

Guy who enforced the idea: Well, Sir, initially I thought of yellow so that it gives a better contrast against the grey concrete.

Biggest Fuck of the Joint: Yeah, I thought so too. So why didn't you?

Guy who enforced the idea: Sir, there are really no lack of idiots in this joint. I am willing to stake my half month bonus on the fact that some idiot sooner or later will be using the warning yellow box as a smoking point.

Biggest Fuck of the Joint: You mean there are idiots here?


Adieu!

2nd Paradox

A competition in the Washington Post on paradoxical second lines to follow a romantic first line.


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your sister.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
Whose dick did you suck to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

Aft Note

On an aft note, regular posts will resume. What other hilarious happenings are there then what occurs day to day in the life of a soldier.

B.D.A.Y

So, the birthday came and went. Thanks for the wishes and the very "useful" presents. I'm sure edible panties will be a good munchkin after I saddle up on a good book after a long day.

Big up to the boys in camp. I liked Anand's cake better though [mostly cos I was the one who personalized it], still fruits is better than no fruits. Good thought on my part to play footy with my keys in my pocket lest my bed frame, mattress and cupboard go missing whilst I was kicking it.

And thanks lovelies for the pre, ongoing and post-dinner entertainment. Release release release.

I'm beat.

Adieu!

Open Legs

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs"