ITTP pointers

The Simpson's GP.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

S Tiga

I have officially concluded. Me and the men who rise to the S Tiga appointments just cannot get along. All along, I was of the misguided notion that the Tigas [henceforth I will use this term, lest women understand] were like the supreme beings around in operations. I.e. when you are stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, the commanding Tiga steps in to save your ass and collect a Letter of Commendation in the process. Still, your ass is saved and for that you are thankful.

But I've been informed by a trusted source that the role of a Tiga is not to be the Ops Champion aka Numero Uno aka Top Dawg, but it's more of an administrative role to assist the Big Boss to run the joint. This may encroach into discipline, regimentation, operations, training etc., but isn't any one of these roles specifically.

Everyday we learn something new. More educational when it's from a colleague whose future wife and current fuck buddy are in the same night class as him. Restecp. [typo intended. you oughta watch more Ali G]

My first Tiga and me were the proverbial cobra-mongoose colleagues. There was no right and left turn to exit a messy looking situation, it was always head-on head butt. My headset has flew off a few times but I take it under the big umbrella of "tough training".

Quotable quote:

"Sir, relax I know what I'm doing." [on my cat cx no less]
"YOU DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX MOTHERFUCKER! I TELL YOU TO RELAX!" [this is where the headset gets plugged out and flung with reckless abandon. Sorry mate, I know it nearly took off your head. Too late to apologize.]

My Tiga now is for lack of a better word, undependable. More importantly, there is no kan jue that he has your back. After yesterday, I need to add the word "childish" to the already broad list that encompasses this being. Since, I love to make lists, here goes:

1. Apparently, to everyone else in the wide world, if you cannot strike a balance between your numerous meetings, briefings etc and your operational manning requirements, you are labelled as "Bad at Time Management". In fact, some go further to lecture you that this is the 3G way and you haven't the right to complain cos the next man can do it. Doesn't apply to my Tiga. He's got a meeting, "take me off manning". Got a brief? "Take me off manning". So, your primary job no longer is your primary job. Your secondary job becomes your primary job.

2. When the Big Dog had to be away for an extended period of time, legend has it the Tiga runs the joint. However, here we saw the ultimate example of "how not to sign anything on behalf of the Big Dog such that I may be implicated or held responsibility for anything in future". This fear of responsibility really disgusts. Of course I always have a personal anecdote.

"Here sign this, Section 2."
"Hang on a sec while I read it. Sir ah, I actually need to sign Section 1 and there is a way out of this for me if Big Dog puts his mind to it. He needs to sign Section 3 and this issue is smoke in the wind"
"Urm. Really? I haven't read it. **** asked me to ask you to sign Section 1 and return it to her"

WTF! You're implicating me in something when you seated in your bloody high and mighty appointment can't even bother to read a document you're asking your subordinate to sign off on?

3. I have been on a 3 week break from the computer system at work. Again, Murphy has it in for me and I have been granted a reprieve from painful eyes and OpenOffice for a good 20 odd days. But it also means since I have no platform to do work, my work is encrypted within my account [which is locked out], I can't meet certain deadlines. Last week:

"Shanker, where is the report? It's already April"
"Urm, you do realize my computer is locked out right. I can't even give you any figures or statistics because without the previous month's figures I am none the wiser"
"You mean you can't use someone else's computer to do it?"
"What have I been saying? It is encrypted under my name, I can't do shit with someone's account. Ok ok, tell you what, send me last month's report, let me expertly doctor it and send it back to you"

Deed is done within the next 15 mins. The smart dude sends a mail out to me [wtf? how will i read it when my account is locked?] and my direct superior stating that my attitude is quite apalling and I didn't put any effort into this whole thing. Particularly Para 38.

Amazing thing? Para 38 aint even my purview. I rest my case.

4. Childish. After bullet no. 3, the fresh week is born. Thank god I haven't been paired with the Tiga when telling 400 km/h jets to not knock into 100 km/h transport craft, or I'd have dropped dead at the indecision, the incompetence and the general shaky atmosphere that permeates thru the environment when the Tiga's on seat [so much for operational numero uno urban myths]. Yesterday however the chain was broken and with only one chopper and one more slow mofo coming in to land, I was stirring the piping hot char siew rice darlin Raymond Tang got for me. Expertly mixing gravy, chilli, egg yolk and barbecued pork bits is a talent, especially when you're 8 stories high and watching the red sunset disappear off the western coast. I had just put spoon to rice, scooped and it was headed to my mouth when some squeaky rat phuck went:

"Can you eat after the charlie has landed?"

Stunned a bit. But cos I don't show irritation or annoyance to those specifically egging me to it, I popped the styrofoam box and just waited for the damn fella to land off. The rest of the blokes weren't too adept at hiding their emotions though. I swore Nachos would have questioned the Tiga even before I had. And Poison had a lot to say about it in the still of the night. Me with my beef noodles, she with her coffee and biscuits.

More importantly, even excusing the obvious childish "I'm marking you" behaviour that is the Tiga towards me now, exudes the absolute lack of thinking about the aftermath.

What if I had turned around and gone "Why?". Just that simple question would have jammed him, thrown the situation to mayhem and got the Tiga looking like a fool in front of 2 other subordinates. But I didn't. Cos I understand the concept of face. You obviously don't. I've done you this favour you turd, it won't happen again though.

Ok, that was too fast a factual descriptive passage suddenly turned into furious rage. Oooooooooh saaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ooooooooooooh saaaaaaaaaaaah.

If you call me or pick up a call from me this week, be prepared for the wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup a la classic Budweiser ad.

Adieu!

Bucket Shitlist

Let's do lists.

1. Freerice.com is a good site. Not because it donates grains of rice to the impoverished bloated [surprising how you get fatter i.e. bloat when you don't eat enough. Scary for ultimate dieters], but because you get to play a uber cool vocabulary game. Try it. I am hovering around Level 40. Really gets you crashing down to earth knowing that 40 is probably the median level across the globe. Damn, my language sucks.

2. Bucket List with 2 old men who have seen and made them all in the short years I've spent growing up. Both have cancer. Both are now on their "Kick the Bucket List". Cliched list of stuff you wanna do when you have nothing to lose and want to leave this life thinking you have made an impact and have seen it all.

They travel all over the fuckin world seeing sights they never would have if they didn't write this list. Even Hongkong, though for what I had no idea. No one spoke about Singapore ever. But seriously, if you would want to do something before you died, most probably your list would be filled with natural wonders. The mountains in the Himalayas, the Great Wall of China, the grasslands of Africa and the Grand Canyon. These are tangible surroundings providing intangible feelings. What the hell would you come to Singapore for? A question for the STB to answer probably. IS there really anything here that someone close to death would want to come and see or do before he passes away? Is anything here befitting of a sense of achievement? Breakfast with Ah Meng probably is the best a CIVIL SERVANT will come up with. But the other orang utans got together and poisoned him with arsenic slowly. Booyakasha.

I hate fucking movie reviews that go on and on about the plot, the build up, the character developments and even the wardrobe. Crap. Here're some quotes. Cos the script is the only thing that makes a movie, period.

When Freeman disagrees with Nicholson on something:

Edward Cole: The sequel was like that. She never backed me up on anything.
Carter Chambers: The sequel?
Edward Cole: The second Mrs Edward Cole.
[Carter rolls his eyes]
Edward Cole: Hell, that woman hated me.
Kyle the parachutist: Maybe because you called her the sequel.

In an ought-to-be emo scene, Nicholson's assistant speaks:

Thomas: I'm proud of you.
Edward Cole: Nobody cares what you think.

When discussing reincarnation and how people move either up/down a step through their different births:

Edward Cole: What does a snail have to do to reincarnate? Leave the perfect trail of slime?

Adieu!

Mooting Morals

Betrayal. There, i was thinking the whole night on the most appropriate word to utilize in yesterday's scenario. I bet the protagonist doesn't think it was betrayal, it'd be the last thing to occur to her.

Here's the sorry ass tale for all you voyeurs who relish your 5 min peek into my exciting life.

Let me be A and let 2 others be B and C. Let the onlooker be D.

So, with A's instructions, B and C carry out something. There was possibly a thin, very thin line of risk of involved. In our speak, it wasn't a double condom operation. So, B goes away thinking nothing's wrong. C was concerned just a lil bit but not enough to raise a big hoo haa over. Enter D.

D being a level up from me manages to work the word "uncomfortable". And she worked it in her post-op phone calls to B and C that effectively managed their conversion from "nothing happened ma.." to "oh! now that WAS uncomfortable. you for real?".

Who's the bullseye? A.

Now consider that A and D work together whereas B and C are calafare other beings. Why the need to push your opinion and moral issues onto another who is your own colleague, effectively changing the opinion of history.

I give up. Positive negative lesson learnt: If you got an opinion that MIGHT bring another down, just keep it to yourself till you reach for the beer or the fags. No one is paying you to be their moral compass.

"I'd love to answer that question Sir, but it's not within my pay grade to do so" - 1WO XXX

Adieu!

Fighting Spirit

Fighting Spirit.


And during the interval, the cheerleaders will pick a member of the crowd and go:

"You see that tree over there.............?"
"Uh huh"
"By the time we squeal 1 to 10, you get there touch it and run back here or that's your weekend burnt"
"Uh huh"

Sundal Sunday

1. I told Rakoon to open the shop at 830 am. He tells me he wants to do it at 845 cos he wanted to be a prick. Fine, go ahead. Then why the hell was I woken up at 7 am?

R: Bro, send the vehicle, I'm at the gate.
S: Huh? What? [why is my hand in my pants?]
R: Come lei.
S: I'll think about it. Don't disturb me.

But I can't really pull off "asshole" when I've just woken. Yukio Mishima fresh in my mind [book conveniently lifted from O Mess, not to be confused with the prostituted O Drive]. Crazy ass delusional motherfucker. Like me.

Apologies Alvin. For making you make the trip. I hope your morning breath wasn't too infective.

2. The mum's birthday is today. Filial piety frothed to the brim, in the mouth out the nostrils at about 7 am, the witching hour. So, she thanks me for my early wishes and asks me what I want for breakfast. Prata was the call. Soon, Tay [the beached whale in the Del Mar pics] asks what I would like for breakfast too. The cliched "1 set of anything and coffee".

I got 2 egg pratas. I come home to 4 more waiting for me. I need a petal shower. Kuan Yin hates my guts.

3. Ruby is being quite emo about getting late in-times. He ought to stop. The probability is quite even that one of the 3 gets to do it. But of course, for it to happen on a Monday needs some intervention to hit the 33% jackpot.

Hope you like the damn thing Mumbly. I had to bring it in from the States.

In happier times. Actually, it was my alleged "farewell" day.
Work the moment, bitch.

Adieu!

Kao Chai Mai?

The OC comes to me today and asks if I have any shower foam. I thought of taking a crack at foamy loamy seas and da "Keep It Real" Orange County, mischa bartonbatty girl but that single gold bar was quite a convincing mouth shutter-upper.

The man after painstakingly purchasing a piano for his twin cuddley-doos needed to go to church like every good Christian dad should. But he needed a shower. Perhaps he wasn't aware of my once-in-a-week shower routine, all inspired by the recent Earth Hour and my Bono underwear. I passed him a blue bottle. He was "appalled", to quote another superior who managed to send me an e-mail on my disgusting attitude, to the account which has been under the control of "how to switch off an ipod" computer rocket scientists for the past week.

If you aren't following, that was the fuckin intention. If you think you have an idea on what's going on, you're wrong. Otherwise, you're right where you oughta be. Here. With me. hug hug kiss kiss. kthxbye.

So, anyhow, upon firm recommendations that the miscible liquid swirling in a Claremont Hotel frisked container was similar to most all-in-one, face/body/shithole dispensers that are abused daily by the heels of grimy palms, he went for a much needed shower. That wily old boy.

I can only hope his wife doesn't take a whiff and decide he has been indulging in "foreign talent". It would be a real problem for the piano tuner.

For every Khap Khun Kap, there's a Mai Pen Rai Kap in the brewerkz.

neung song saam see ha hok jet paet gow sip. There's a little Cantonese in everybody.

Chai.

In other news, me and Nattapon have a Songkran date. Feel free to join in. Sunday the 13th.

I.M.D. Walrus

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.

Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess.

Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.

I am the walrus,

goo goo g'joob !

Career People

THE CAREER GIRL

THE CAREER YOGI

THE CAREER SOLDIER

Damn, I gotta pick up the game. It is pretty alienating when you'd like to get outa your pants, bare your Diesels, get into comfy PT shorts and you have no idea why the service changes after X number of points. Rueben is the bullying, soft speaking, hard hitting teacher. Another challenge, another quarter.

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." - Henry Kissinger