For heaven's sake. Don't they put disclaimers on beach chairs anymore?
The "Balls may get stuck" kind.
The "Balls may get stuck" kind.
29.11.07
7.11.07
Power Volley
It was a simple volleyball tournament. The different factions [Red, Blue, Green, Yellow] of the institute I was in would square off round robin style and then the victors will gain points accordingly to see who was the "sportiest" faction for that work year. Simple concept? Not so simple when you view the management of the institute proper that had an imbalance of a certain "coloured" people.
So, the first game got underway. Yellow and Green went at it. Everyone loves to hate Green so it was not too painful to watch them lose though we actually have more Green friends than Yellow friends [make that 0 Yellow friends].
Then, it was Blue Vs. Red. Blue is us, and we were there in full force. Masculine pom pom-mers. Players kitted out in their regalia and coach reviewing the team list. We had mass participation from middle management to the lowly scrubs, it was a real team affair.
Alas, Red was nowhere to be seen! The rules and regulations clearly state that in the event of a no-show after 15 minutes from the promulgated match time, there would be a walkover for the opponents. The organizer, notably not highly ranked in the social echelon enough to put his foot down and make that decision decides to "wait it out", going to the extent of calling up the Red teamsters enquiring as to where the hell they were!
The truth unfolds slowly. The bald dude in charge of forming the Red team, had gone on "my wife is pregnant" leave. Neither did he bother to forward his mail to someone else who could handle his duties in his absence. As a result, they were none the wiser. Now I show you the org chart.
So, the first game got underway. Yellow and Green went at it. Everyone loves to hate Green so it was not too painful to watch them lose though we actually have more Green friends than Yellow friends [make that 0 Yellow friends].
Then, it was Blue Vs. Red. Blue is us, and we were there in full force. Masculine pom pom-mers. Players kitted out in their regalia and coach reviewing the team list. We had mass participation from middle management to the lowly scrubs, it was a real team affair.
Alas, Red was nowhere to be seen! The rules and regulations clearly state that in the event of a no-show after 15 minutes from the promulgated match time, there would be a walkover for the opponents. The organizer, notably not highly ranked in the social echelon enough to put his foot down and make that decision decides to "wait it out", going to the extent of calling up the Red teamsters enquiring as to where the hell they were!
The truth unfolds slowly. The bald dude in charge of forming the Red team, had gone on "my wife is pregnant" leave. Neither did he bother to forward his mail to someone else who could handle his duties in his absence. As a result, they were none the wiser. Now I show you the org chart.
Although, the organizer on hand was of the lower 'uns, the main man in charge of the smooth flow of the tourney was .... drumroll.... a RED man [Red 2]! He's a friend of mine so I shan't go about too much on his ass. In the crowd, there were murmurs of dissension. Was there gonna be a legal and righteous walkover or not? Or was the kelong element going to rear it's ugly head again based on the handshake pacts and hush hush phone calls of the top echelon. Namely, Blue 1 and Red 1. Now, we consider the implications.
In the event that the Blue PPL had already plonked their effort and ass on the court awaiting the match and there was no walkover forthcoming, a lot of "face" will now be lost. The Blue PPL are gonna be generating some chewy phlegm to greet Blue 1 in the event that he allows a "friendly-let's just play it another day" end state. Red 2 as the overall co-ordinator is gonna be looked down on for seemingly siding with his Red counterparts although his position should in fact guarantee impartial judgments.
End? There WAS a walkover. Not before lots of badgering and foul faces. Still, it was a thin line between polluting the minds of 18-19 year olds that rules and regulations are just superficially there to look good on printed paper whereas they're easily bent and rendered void based on some top echelon agreements. Though, this didn't occur here, it IS permeating thru all levels of our society. Work, school, social settings and what not. The moment you show it obviously that rules can be bent based on whims, then why the fuck do you bother to pen out rules anyway?
Still, there is another group of bozos who don't even know why a regulation is there and what exactly it regulates. As long as it is in a nice red leather covered binder. Observe below.
When asked why a certain rule was such back in Secondary 3, a brilliant teacher retorts:
In the event that the Blue PPL had already plonked their effort and ass on the court awaiting the match and there was no walkover forthcoming, a lot of "face" will now be lost. The Blue PPL are gonna be generating some chewy phlegm to greet Blue 1 in the event that he allows a "friendly-let's just play it another day" end state. Red 2 as the overall co-ordinator is gonna be looked down on for seemingly siding with his Red counterparts although his position should in fact guarantee impartial judgments.
End? There WAS a walkover. Not before lots of badgering and foul faces. Still, it was a thin line between polluting the minds of 18-19 year olds that rules and regulations are just superficially there to look good on printed paper whereas they're easily bent and rendered void based on some top echelon agreements. Though, this didn't occur here, it IS permeating thru all levels of our society. Work, school, social settings and what not. The moment you show it obviously that rules can be bent based on whims, then why the fuck do you bother to pen out rules anyway?
Still, there is another group of bozos who don't even know why a regulation is there and what exactly it regulates. As long as it is in a nice red leather covered binder. Observe below.
When asked why a certain rule was such back in Secondary 3, a brilliant teacher retorts:
"Rules are meant to be followed because they are rules!"
Adieu!
6.11.07
Soccerama
Just reminiscing about the past 4 months with the boys and yeah, I'm gonna fuckin miss them. Each and everyone of the cadets. One of the happier moments apart from the daily "chanting" we receive that has landed at least one of us one step closer to an appointment with the ear doctor.
Why does one voluntarily come up with a proposal to organize a street soccer tournament? Cos, you're damn cock sure you're gonna win it that's why.
Why does one voluntarily come up with a proposal to organize a street soccer tournament? Cos, you're damn cock sure you're gonna win it that's why.
A small tete a tete with the a member of the team that finished 3rd reveals all.
He: Wah, you damn steady ah. Organize the tournament. Go and choose the medal. Buy the medal. Collect the medal. Later, awarded the medal.
Me: Ah boh. If not do for what?
Ma boys, the winners, in white vests. Staff in white too. Yellow are 3rd. Orange are 2nd. Booya! Interestingly the only 3 who didn't play on our team are the three "sideliners" from the course:
I wouldn't dare close this topic without some bragging. A vid of the magical steal and shot and "almost" goal. "Almost" Goal 3 of a 7-3 routing:
For maximum appreciation, do rewind and play, rewind and play till you get it in your dumb numbskull, Jabroni!
21.10.07
Risque Rice
And so it is just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me most of the time. And so it is the shorter story. No love, no glory, no hero in her skies.
And so it is just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze most of the time. And so it is the colder water, the blower's daughter. The pupil in denial.
Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?
And so it is just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze most of the time. And so it is the colder water, the blower's daughter. The pupil in denial.
Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you......
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind.........off you.
I can't take my mind off you......
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind.........off you.
20.10.07
Uniformed Politics
What kinda political system are we really in? Democracy? Socialist? Democratic socialism? Socialist democracy?
I say we're actually really communist. Judging from how workplace politics works in most of our civil and corporate joints.
Not going into specific details and time periods lest I get banged for getting factual incidents wrong, this is a comparative study on the great tiger, China and us [all aspects of our daily work].
1. People were often forced to make self criticisms by people who apparently were incapable of mistakes.
I see this every fuckin day. 2 cases in point. See, I have a bloke who works with me. To call him a colleague would be to fuckin glorify his already scum like presence. He's the kind who stands on a lower footing than one and yet "good naturedly for the good of the people" decides he is qualified enough to teach and impart his already limited knowledge on the subject at hand. Have you ever come across people who don't know jack shit yet profess to be experts? Yes, a handy skill when you are chatting up a chick who is into Impressionist Art. But, not if you are talking about technical expertise on a highly isolated subject and job scope. Did I mention, he is infallible? The Debrief King we call him. He fucks it up, he debriefs you. You fuck it up, he debriefs you too. What gives?
Recently, there was another major incident that could have resulted in the death of someone who had collapsed just cos of major incompetency and lack of balls to take a decision-itis. Yet, when the shit hit the fan, people didn't quite rush to the defence of the guy who DID have the balls to make a quick decision to possibly save a human life. Instead, they held back their comments in support to see what tack the higher-ups will take. Just like if Chairman Mao says you are a "capitalist roader", these are the ones who will quickie label ya and even pay for the tattoo for it on your forehead willingly with their last penny as long as their immediate boss says that's the way it goes.
P.S. None of the characters in the second tale is me.
2. Don't be fooled by being asked to speak up about your grievances. It is a death-trap.
I believe the fashionable word for this is "open reporting" or "workplace climate survey". Something like when the Communists said tell us your grievances and we'll sort it out. Most of them got labelled as siding with the capitalist powers trying to inject poison into their foolproof system and got tortured and hanged as a result. Or imprisoned in-house.
Last year, when a similar climate survey was done. 4 people I know flagged up very pertinent points on the incompetency of their big boss vehemently. Guess what? They weren't even given the survey to do this time. How cool is that? Less paperwork. Less bad press more importantly.
Personally, you speak up against someone who thinks they got it all sewed up just fine just invites a labelling of "bad attitude", "going against the grain", "attempting to incite the innocents against the system". Seriously, go fuck yourself. If you're wrong and basically sometimes suck at doing your job, you should be told so and not be a sensitive teenage prick when told so. If you're wrong all the time, you should be thrown out of your appointment and asked to take a hike. Because every second more you occupy that seat is a danger to the mental and physical states of everyone under you.
3. The Boss is right. Whichever boss it is.
Ask anyone who is involved in a permanent job. No one really gives a flying fuck how the entire organization functions, except when it comes to salaries and bonuses. What matters most is your immediate and direct superior. See, you may go through 3 to 4 levels to hit the real Big Boss, but it's the one you directly report to first that's the most vital. Most vital to mental incapacity that is. Interestingly, when addressing any manpower grievances, the organization you work in probably thinks flinging money at you will make you stay longer and keep your gap shut. What about job satisfaction? What about working under incompetent losers? People who claim their own typographical and oral errors are of your stupidity and bad hearing.
Back in Communist China [like as if their political slants have changed], the local councils or chapters meant shit to the main man. If he says, make steel. You make steel. No one cares if you can't eat steel as opposed to crops. You just make steel.
Weed them out! Cut them with shears. Hear them scream. The next time you think the one directly above you is crap and looks out for their ass more than the hundreds below him, ask for a transfer. Better yet, quit. Trust me, it will be the best decision of your life.
Adieu!
I say we're actually really communist. Judging from how workplace politics works in most of our civil and corporate joints.
Not going into specific details and time periods lest I get banged for getting factual incidents wrong, this is a comparative study on the great tiger, China and us [all aspects of our daily work].
1. People were often forced to make self criticisms by people who apparently were incapable of mistakes.
I see this every fuckin day. 2 cases in point. See, I have a bloke who works with me. To call him a colleague would be to fuckin glorify his already scum like presence. He's the kind who stands on a lower footing than one and yet "good naturedly for the good of the people" decides he is qualified enough to teach and impart his already limited knowledge on the subject at hand. Have you ever come across people who don't know jack shit yet profess to be experts? Yes, a handy skill when you are chatting up a chick who is into Impressionist Art. But, not if you are talking about technical expertise on a highly isolated subject and job scope. Did I mention, he is infallible? The Debrief King we call him. He fucks it up, he debriefs you. You fuck it up, he debriefs you too. What gives?
Recently, there was another major incident that could have resulted in the death of someone who had collapsed just cos of major incompetency and lack of balls to take a decision-itis. Yet, when the shit hit the fan, people didn't quite rush to the defence of the guy who DID have the balls to make a quick decision to possibly save a human life. Instead, they held back their comments in support to see what tack the higher-ups will take. Just like if Chairman Mao says you are a "capitalist roader", these are the ones who will quickie label ya and even pay for the tattoo for it on your forehead willingly with their last penny as long as their immediate boss says that's the way it goes.
P.S. None of the characters in the second tale is me.
2. Don't be fooled by being asked to speak up about your grievances. It is a death-trap.
I believe the fashionable word for this is "open reporting" or "workplace climate survey". Something like when the Communists said tell us your grievances and we'll sort it out. Most of them got labelled as siding with the capitalist powers trying to inject poison into their foolproof system and got tortured and hanged as a result. Or imprisoned in-house.
Last year, when a similar climate survey was done. 4 people I know flagged up very pertinent points on the incompetency of their big boss vehemently. Guess what? They weren't even given the survey to do this time. How cool is that? Less paperwork. Less bad press more importantly.
Personally, you speak up against someone who thinks they got it all sewed up just fine just invites a labelling of "bad attitude", "going against the grain", "attempting to incite the innocents against the system". Seriously, go fuck yourself. If you're wrong and basically sometimes suck at doing your job, you should be told so and not be a sensitive teenage prick when told so. If you're wrong all the time, you should be thrown out of your appointment and asked to take a hike. Because every second more you occupy that seat is a danger to the mental and physical states of everyone under you.
3. The Boss is right. Whichever boss it is.
Ask anyone who is involved in a permanent job. No one really gives a flying fuck how the entire organization functions, except when it comes to salaries and bonuses. What matters most is your immediate and direct superior. See, you may go through 3 to 4 levels to hit the real Big Boss, but it's the one you directly report to first that's the most vital. Most vital to mental incapacity that is. Interestingly, when addressing any manpower grievances, the organization you work in probably thinks flinging money at you will make you stay longer and keep your gap shut. What about job satisfaction? What about working under incompetent losers? People who claim their own typographical and oral errors are of your stupidity and bad hearing.
Back in Communist China [like as if their political slants have changed], the local councils or chapters meant shit to the main man. If he says, make steel. You make steel. No one cares if you can't eat steel as opposed to crops. You just make steel.
Weed them out! Cut them with shears. Hear them scream. The next time you think the one directly above you is crap and looks out for their ass more than the hundreds below him, ask for a transfer. Better yet, quit. Trust me, it will be the best decision of your life.
Adieu!
15.10.07
4 Values
It's the norm or fad these days to quickly institute a plethora of values or principles we should adopt and follow to the T to ensure that the organization follows the same frequency and achieve maximum results.
Even at primary school, some values are fed into the syllabus and case-studies shown or talked about subliminally reinforcing the need to uphold that value. In my workplace we have 4 values we're supposed to abide by. Competency, Tenacity, Fortitude and Dynamism. And so, one fine day, like on many other fine (and rainy) days, some smart dude told another smart dude: "Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could do a presentation to correlate the 4 values? It'd look great!".
And thus the bow was strung, the arrow flew and it pierces all in its path, mercilessly. Regardless of race, language or religion. How do you put these 4 supposed all encompassing values together and still make it look seamless? Thankfully, we had beer.
This was the most brilliant thing I've ever heard or come up with in my lifetime. Pity, of all things lacking in my organization, a sense of humour is top on the list.
Now, visualize:
Slide 1: Welcome Slide
Slide 2: Scope
Slide 3: The Lottery Game [in big bold letters with Star Wars accompaniment music]
Slide 4: "Every week without fail, we buy 4D. Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, everyday also we go and buy" ---> FORTITUDE
Slide 5: "When we buy, we buy damn fierce wan if we think we sure tiok. Sometimes 50 big 50 small" ---> TENACITY
Slide 6: "When we decide what number to buy, we know which circles to shade on the forms. Never has a 4D slip gone to waste under our watchful eyes" ----> COMPETENCY
Slide 7: "Notwithstanding 4D, TOTO and Singapore Sweep also we whack on a weekly and monthly basis" ---> DYNAMISM
Slide 8: Conclusion
Slide 9: QnA
Adieu!
Even at primary school, some values are fed into the syllabus and case-studies shown or talked about subliminally reinforcing the need to uphold that value. In my workplace we have 4 values we're supposed to abide by. Competency, Tenacity, Fortitude and Dynamism. And so, one fine day, like on many other fine (and rainy) days, some smart dude told another smart dude: "Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could do a presentation to correlate the 4 values? It'd look great!".
And thus the bow was strung, the arrow flew and it pierces all in its path, mercilessly. Regardless of race, language or religion. How do you put these 4 supposed all encompassing values together and still make it look seamless? Thankfully, we had beer.
This was the most brilliant thing I've ever heard or come up with in my lifetime. Pity, of all things lacking in my organization, a sense of humour is top on the list.
Now, visualize:
Slide 1: Welcome Slide
Slide 2: Scope
Slide 3: The Lottery Game [in big bold letters with Star Wars accompaniment music]
Slide 4: "Every week without fail, we buy 4D. Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, everyday also we go and buy" ---> FORTITUDE
Slide 5: "When we buy, we buy damn fierce wan if we think we sure tiok. Sometimes 50 big 50 small" ---> TENACITY
Slide 6: "When we decide what number to buy, we know which circles to shade on the forms. Never has a 4D slip gone to waste under our watchful eyes" ----> COMPETENCY
Slide 7: "Notwithstanding 4D, TOTO and Singapore Sweep also we whack on a weekly and monthly basis" ---> DYNAMISM
Slide 8: Conclusion
Slide 9: QnA
Adieu!
13.10.07
Touch Me Education
Self - explanatory sequence of pictures. To think we wasted our goddamn time reading Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys and The 3 Investigators. Life skills cum fairy tale stories. This is the new age kiddie story book. Enjoy.
29.9.07
Second Wind
What if you could get a second wind and do it all better again? Like your O levels or that soccer final you lost cos that last minute goal crept in, rolling painfully across the line way past everyone else's outstretched legs?
Seek your second wind. Might be one of the few things you actually are lucky to have.
Adieu!
Seek your second wind. Might be one of the few things you actually are lucky to have.
Adieu!
28.9.07
NLBrouhaha
The NLB recently sent out many many letters, all in professional 3 fold, tear away papery thingies to recover the millions of fines that errant book borrowers like yourself owe the gahmen. Unfortunately, I wasn't sent any. I just borrow your book and never give it back.
So, ultimately my dad, god rest the soul of his defunt library card got sent a fine for 30 cents for 2 books he apparently didn't return in 2002. Quite fair I suppose, that the NLB's system is so solid to keep the database accurate like even 5 years down the road. Still, some discrepancies are to be noted:
1. Why would a man who reads The New Paper and only that, borrow 2 cookery books?
2. Why wait 5 years?
3. Didn't the cost of the fuckin 3 fold paper thingie with irritating perforated sections PLUS postage become more than 30 cents anyway?
4. How dumb is it that the NLB says, any fines over $60 they are writing off but they are chasing blokes for their meagre 30 cents. [30 cents being the amount of spare change the average taxi user drops in the backseat due to the ample space in their jeans pockets.]
5. Wouldn't chasing the big money criminals be more worthwhile?
But wait, there IS an Indian angle to this too. As I tottered into home, the night of the great Street Soccer Gold medal win [story to be told later], before even my non-regulation DKNY socks came off, there was a distant voice of oppression echoing around the living room.
If there's one thing I enjoy most about observing our middle aged parents receive an official looking letter, it is the absolute superficiality they view it with. Case in point, my dad who threw away as soon as he glimpsed a Starhub letter with some footy stuff on it. His assumption? Fuckers gonna make us pay more money for channels we don't need. The reality? Fuckers were giving us 2 new free channels for the money we were already paying. Goal TV 1 & 2.
So, with this NLB inject came new assumptions.
Assumption 1: Who is the one who took your dad's card and went to Marine Parade library to borrow books?
Follow up: Must be you shanker, borrowed some cookery book for a girl la must be. 2002 you were in secondary school right? [I was in the fuckin ARMY already! I only had time to book out, drink till smashed and book in!]. So, must be you then [finger pointed in direction of younger sibling], your school was near marine parade so you went there! [urmz, what the fuck would i borrow cookery books for?!]. Ok then, think it must be me. Maybe I forgot. But I've no idea why I would have used your dad's card. [All nod heads in unison.]
Reality: This assumption that the books were borrowed from Marine Parade library were due only because of the return address stamped on the mailer. Obviously the main HQ address, here being Marine Parade was printed on the upper left.
Myth busted!
Assumption 2: See, la this Varaprasad, take over the library only start chasing people for money.
Follow up: This is what all those new people who come into the job do la. Chase people for money try to make a name for themselves. Assholes.
Reality: Dr N Varaprasad took over the appointment as CEO of NLB on 15th Sept 2004. It has already been 3 years and more. The NLB wrote off $3.5 million worth of unrecoverable fines last fiscal year. This assumption came about because the man who signs off on this "Pay up your fine motherfucker" letter is the CEO himself. Perhaps to put across that the order comes from the very top. Alas, like as in all organizations, the one who takes the brunt of the displeasure that arises from new developments is the man who signs on the dotted line.
Myth busted!
Addendum: Did you know that the bar codes on your IC or library card or whatever other card that can read your IC number are not dependent on the magnetic strips they are printed on. What I'm trying to say is, information on your IC number is not stored within the magnetic strips. Bar codes use a complex way of different widths of lines to denote each number that the scanner reads. It has nothing to do with the magnetism of them all. Implication? Anyone with a photostated IC can also borrow a book. [Practice is quite prevalent in some organizations where lunch rations have to be accounted for by scanning your IC in a machine]. So, the next time you photostat your IC conveniently for the M1/Singtel/Starhub bloke or when you send in a credit card application, you're just setting yourself up for another barrage of fine payments in the year 2012.
Well, at least the mailer will take 5 years to come. Good on you if the amount is over $60, at least it'll get written off.
Adieu!
So, ultimately my dad, god rest the soul of his defunt library card got sent a fine for 30 cents for 2 books he apparently didn't return in 2002. Quite fair I suppose, that the NLB's system is so solid to keep the database accurate like even 5 years down the road. Still, some discrepancies are to be noted:
1. Why would a man who reads The New Paper and only that, borrow 2 cookery books?
2. Why wait 5 years?
3. Didn't the cost of the fuckin 3 fold paper thingie with irritating perforated sections PLUS postage become more than 30 cents anyway?
4. How dumb is it that the NLB says, any fines over $60 they are writing off but they are chasing blokes for their meagre 30 cents. [30 cents being the amount of spare change the average taxi user drops in the backseat due to the ample space in their jeans pockets.]
5. Wouldn't chasing the big money criminals be more worthwhile?
But wait, there IS an Indian angle to this too. As I tottered into home, the night of the great Street Soccer Gold medal win [story to be told later], before even my non-regulation DKNY socks came off, there was a distant voice of oppression echoing around the living room.
If there's one thing I enjoy most about observing our middle aged parents receive an official looking letter, it is the absolute superficiality they view it with. Case in point, my dad who threw away as soon as he glimpsed a Starhub letter with some footy stuff on it. His assumption? Fuckers gonna make us pay more money for channels we don't need. The reality? Fuckers were giving us 2 new free channels for the money we were already paying. Goal TV 1 & 2.
So, with this NLB inject came new assumptions.
Assumption 1: Who is the one who took your dad's card and went to Marine Parade library to borrow books?
Follow up: Must be you shanker, borrowed some cookery book for a girl la must be. 2002 you were in secondary school right? [I was in the fuckin ARMY already! I only had time to book out, drink till smashed and book in!]. So, must be you then [finger pointed in direction of younger sibling], your school was near marine parade so you went there! [urmz, what the fuck would i borrow cookery books for?!]. Ok then, think it must be me. Maybe I forgot. But I've no idea why I would have used your dad's card. [All nod heads in unison.]
Reality: This assumption that the books were borrowed from Marine Parade library were due only because of the return address stamped on the mailer. Obviously the main HQ address, here being Marine Parade was printed on the upper left.
Myth busted!
Assumption 2: See, la this Varaprasad, take over the library only start chasing people for money.
Follow up: This is what all those new people who come into the job do la. Chase people for money try to make a name for themselves. Assholes.
Reality: Dr N Varaprasad took over the appointment as CEO of NLB on 15th Sept 2004. It has already been 3 years and more. The NLB wrote off $3.5 million worth of unrecoverable fines last fiscal year. This assumption came about because the man who signs off on this "Pay up your fine motherfucker" letter is the CEO himself. Perhaps to put across that the order comes from the very top. Alas, like as in all organizations, the one who takes the brunt of the displeasure that arises from new developments is the man who signs on the dotted line.
Myth busted!
Addendum: Did you know that the bar codes on your IC or library card or whatever other card that can read your IC number are not dependent on the magnetic strips they are printed on. What I'm trying to say is, information on your IC number is not stored within the magnetic strips. Bar codes use a complex way of different widths of lines to denote each number that the scanner reads. It has nothing to do with the magnetism of them all. Implication? Anyone with a photostated IC can also borrow a book. [Practice is quite prevalent in some organizations where lunch rations have to be accounted for by scanning your IC in a machine]. So, the next time you photostat your IC conveniently for the M1/Singtel/Starhub bloke or when you send in a credit card application, you're just setting yourself up for another barrage of fine payments in the year 2012.
Well, at least the mailer will take 5 years to come. Good on you if the amount is over $60, at least it'll get written off.
Adieu!
The Burmese Brawl
Why not help out a good cause, like as if Aung San Suu Kyi really ever mattered to me. Smash up all those ancient works of art I say.
Hi Friends,
We've been watching this on the news, and have all been equally horrified at the senseless violence perpetuated against a peaceful people.
Last tuesday, Buddhist monks and nuns, revered in Burma, began marching and chanting prayers. The protests spread as hundreds of thousands of ordinary people and public figures joined in, finding the hope they’d lost. Now they’re facing crackdown – so please, show your solidarity to this movement towards reconciliation and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people -- it'll be delivered to United Nations Security Council members and international media all week:
Burma is ruled by one of the most brutal military dictatorships in the world. For decades the Burmese regime has fought off pressure--imprisoning elected leader Aung San Suu Kyi and democracy activists, wiping out thousands of villages, imposing forced labour, creating refugees-
In the past, Burma's military rulers have massacred the demonstrators. The world must stand with the Burmese people at this time, to show the military rulers that the world will not tolerate repression and violence.
Right now, global leaders are gathering in New York for the annual United Nations summit. In speeches, press interviews but also in real actions, we need them to show Burma's military junta that the global community is willing to act in solidarity with the protesters.
Show your solidarity to this movement for peace and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people. It'll be delivered to UN Security Council members and the UN press corps all week:
http://www.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_burma/tf.php?cl_tf_sign=1
Thank you for your help guys. We might not be able to do much, but that doesn't mean that we have to do NOTHING!
Sign the Petition. Please
Divya
Hi Friends,
We've been watching this on the news, and have all been equally horrified at the senseless violence perpetuated against a peaceful people.
Last tuesday, Buddhist monks and nuns, revered in Burma, began marching and chanting prayers. The protests spread as hundreds of thousands of ordinary people and public figures joined in, finding the hope they’d lost. Now they’re facing crackdown – so please, show your solidarity to this movement towards reconciliation and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people -- it'll be delivered to United Nations Security Council members and international media all week:
Burma is ruled by one of the most brutal military dictatorships in the world. For decades the Burmese regime has fought off pressure--imprisoning elected leader Aung San Suu Kyi and democracy activists, wiping out thousands of villages, imposing forced labour, creating refugees-
In the past, Burma's military rulers have massacred the demonstrators. The world must stand with the Burmese people at this time, to show the military rulers that the world will not tolerate repression and violence.
Right now, global leaders are gathering in New York for the annual United Nations summit. In speeches, press interviews but also in real actions, we need them to show Burma's military junta that the global community is willing to act in solidarity with the protesters.
Show your solidarity to this movement for peace and democracy and sign the emergency petition supporting the Burmese people. It'll be delivered to UN Security Council members and the UN press corps all week:
http://www.avaaz.org/en/stand
Thank you for your help guys. We might not be able to do much, but that doesn't mean that we have to do NOTHING!
Sign the Petition. Please
Divya
Chinglified
As an air traffic controller, the least you expect one of us to be proficient in is the command of the English language. We use big big words on a daily basis like "expedite", "accomodate", "facillitate" and other high level upper primary vocab so that dumb fuck pilots one and all are able to take instructions and follow them to the T.
Secondary in priority is our knowledge of basic geometry. Turn right 360, turn left 030, knowing if you can turn a guy's head towards another's tail elegantly. Basically, making sure, you never ever bring two guys together but "Keep 'em seperated" [hola! Offspring].
Now and then you come across the much praised and exalted JC population, some hailing from smart fuck institutions like HCJC, NJC, SAJC and other monuments who sadly think English is just a substitute language for the times when you can't speak Mandarin. It's like how we switch to Tamil when we don't want someone else to eavesdrop. It's quite an obvious switch, yet we do it anyway, claiming it as our minority right. Well, to most of the blokes I work with, English is their minority right. They only use it to cleave away the roots of uncertainty.
Trust me you. It is much much easier screaming "Whole lot KNOCK IT DOWN!", then attempting to do the same in Mandarin which may/may not elicit sniggers instead. Found a tale that describes the pain of the non-Chinglified. [not me.]
Ah Kow was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is how:
Adieu!
Secondary in priority is our knowledge of basic geometry. Turn right 360, turn left 030, knowing if you can turn a guy's head towards another's tail elegantly. Basically, making sure, you never ever bring two guys together but "Keep 'em seperated" [hola! Offspring].
Now and then you come across the much praised and exalted JC population, some hailing from smart fuck institutions like HCJC, NJC, SAJC and other monuments who sadly think English is just a substitute language for the times when you can't speak Mandarin. It's like how we switch to Tamil when we don't want someone else to eavesdrop. It's quite an obvious switch, yet we do it anyway, claiming it as our minority right. Well, to most of the blokes I work with, English is their minority right. They only use it to cleave away the roots of uncertainty.
Trust me you. It is much much easier screaming "Whole lot KNOCK IT DOWN!", then attempting to do the same in Mandarin which may/may not elicit sniggers instead. Found a tale that describes the pain of the non-Chinglified. [not me.]
Ah Kow was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is how:
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Adieu!
23.9.07
Overheard at Work
Scene 1
So, we was having some discussion on pretty high level matters albeit in low level surroundings over smokes and beers.
Big Fuck: So, what do you think can be done about "this this this" and "that that that"
Me: Frankly, Sir, I am not going to answer this question because it is not within my pay grade to do so.
Scene 2
There's a lot of talk these days on how the workforce manpower management and culture is going to morph with 3G this and 3G that [woe begone the days where 3G was only meant for mobile phones].
Big Fuck: So, how are all of you getting along with this new 3G system?
Smart Alec: Sir, doesn't what 3G really mean is that now 1 man does 3 men's jobs?
Big Fuck: [now, this blew us away cos we thought he was gonna get defensive] Yeah, I suppose you could say that in a way. Apparently SOME people feel that the more technologically advanced we get, less people need be there to run the show. Still, I have but one piece of advise for those of you caught in a piled up work fix now.
Smart Alec: And what is that?
Big Fuck: Hear this and hear it good. My own boss told me this before. "What you can do tomorrow.... Don't do today". There you go. This should solve the problem.
Scene 3
After sussing out a lot of suggestions from the ground on how to improve Workplace Safety, a decision was made to put a red warning box outside all doors at work that open outwards. Brilliant idea and it did have its desired effect.
Via e-mail:
Biggest Fuck of the Joint: So, tell me, why did you choose red as the colour of the box instead of anyother colour? Nothing important just generally curious.
Guy who enforced the idea: Well, Sir, initially I thought of yellow so that it gives a better contrast against the grey concrete.
Biggest Fuck of the Joint: Yeah, I thought so too. So why didn't you?
Guy who enforced the idea: Sir, there are really no lack of idiots in this joint. I am willing to stake my half month bonus on the fact that some idiot sooner or later will be using the warning yellow box as a smoking point.
Biggest Fuck of the Joint: You mean there are idiots here?
Adieu!
So, we was having some discussion on pretty high level matters albeit in low level surroundings over smokes and beers.
Big Fuck: So, what do you think can be done about "this this this" and "that that that"
Me: Frankly, Sir, I am not going to answer this question because it is not within my pay grade to do so.
Scene 2
There's a lot of talk these days on how the workforce manpower management and culture is going to morph with 3G this and 3G that [woe begone the days where 3G was only meant for mobile phones].
Big Fuck: So, how are all of you getting along with this new 3G system?
Smart Alec: Sir, doesn't what 3G really mean is that now 1 man does 3 men's jobs?
Big Fuck: [now, this blew us away cos we thought he was gonna get defensive] Yeah, I suppose you could say that in a way. Apparently SOME people feel that the more technologically advanced we get, less people need be there to run the show. Still, I have but one piece of advise for those of you caught in a piled up work fix now.
Smart Alec: And what is that?
Big Fuck: Hear this and hear it good. My own boss told me this before. "What you can do tomorrow.... Don't do today". There you go. This should solve the problem.
Scene 3
After sussing out a lot of suggestions from the ground on how to improve Workplace Safety, a decision was made to put a red warning box outside all doors at work that open outwards. Brilliant idea and it did have its desired effect.
Via e-mail:
Biggest Fuck of the Joint: So, tell me, why did you choose red as the colour of the box instead of anyother colour? Nothing important just generally curious.
Guy who enforced the idea: Well, Sir, initially I thought of yellow so that it gives a better contrast against the grey concrete.
Biggest Fuck of the Joint: Yeah, I thought so too. So why didn't you?
Guy who enforced the idea: Sir, there are really no lack of idiots in this joint. I am willing to stake my half month bonus on the fact that some idiot sooner or later will be using the warning yellow box as a smoking point.
Biggest Fuck of the Joint: You mean there are idiots here?
Adieu!
15.9.07
2nd Paradox
A competition in the Washington Post on paradoxical second lines to follow a romantic first line.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your sister.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
Whose dick did you suck to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your sister.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
Whose dick did you suck to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
9.9.07
Aft Note
On an aft note, regular posts will resume. What other hilarious happenings are there then what occurs day to day in the life of a soldier.
B.D.A.Y
So, the birthday came and went. Thanks for the wishes and the very "useful" presents. I'm sure edible panties will be a good munchkin after I saddle up on a good book after a long day.
Big up to the boys in camp. I liked Anand's cake better though [mostly cos I was the one who personalized it], still fruits is better than no fruits. Good thought on my part to play footy with my keys in my pocket lest my bed frame, mattress and cupboard go missing whilst I was kicking it.
And thanks lovelies for the pre, ongoing and post-dinner entertainment. Release release release.
I'm beat.
Adieu!
Big up to the boys in camp. I liked Anand's cake better though [mostly cos I was the one who personalized it], still fruits is better than no fruits. Good thought on my part to play footy with my keys in my pocket lest my bed frame, mattress and cupboard go missing whilst I was kicking it.
And thanks lovelies for the pre, ongoing and post-dinner entertainment. Release release release.
I'm beat.
Adieu!
1.9.07
Open Legs
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs"
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs"
25.8.07
Stupefied Students
Clearing out junk mail from months back, why should only I suffer the torture of viewing "has beens".
For your viewing pleasure:
For your viewing pleasure:
Early Retirement
ASK anyone who has ever bought a lottery ticket what he would do if he won,and the reply will invariably be: "Quit my job." This leads me to believe that many of us seek fortune not because we want a second home or a third car, but rather, because we seek an end to the chore of our daily work routine.
So, for those who are seeking to retire comfortably, early, here are 10 tips:
1 Don't buy a car
Why, oh why, would you buy a car in Singapore? A vehicle, unlike property, never appreciates in value, petrol prices are astronomical, and parking is often a waste of time and money. Besides, Singapore has a world-class public transport system.
2 Rent to live, Buy to invest
With property prices hitting the roof and interest rates soaring steadily, buying a home now has never been riskier. Rent the house you intend to live in and only buy property when the economy is mired in recession. Surround yourself with liquidity when the going is good, because cash truly is king when going gets tough.
3 Don't drink or smoke
There's a perfectly good reason for all those heavy duties on alcohol and tobacco ?they're bad for you. Liver cirrhosis and lung cancer are not pleasurable ?and it's not cheap to treat them. Quit now.
4 Don't gamble
It may not seem like much every time you place a wager. But consider this: Instead of blowing $500 a month on gambling, saving that amount in your CPF Special Account at 4 per cent per annum would yield a total of $350,000 at the end of 30 years.
5 Credit cards
With interest rates of 24 per cent per annum, credit cards spell disaster when they fall into the wrong hands. If you use a credit card because of the perks and privileges, make sure you can afford to pay off the debt in full. If you find yourself only paying the "minimum sum", you're in trouble ?so switch to using a debit card or Nets.
6 Own a business
If you have the right idea, relevant expertise and helpful partners, no other investment can match the kind of returns that owning a business can give you. If you don't have the inspiration to be an entrepreneur, then buy a piece of an existing company from the stock market.
7 Avoid unit trusts
Unit trusts have always marketed themselves as these glorious bastions of out-performance, run by dedicated professionals. But a Wall Street Journal study showed that, on average, professional fund managers are not any better at stock picking than chimpanzees throwing darts at a newspaper.
After taking sales charges, management fees and so on into account, you are almost always better off buying a benchmark index-tracking Exchange-Traded Funds, or ETFs.
8 Don't buy insurance unless you really need it
Insurance is an undoubtedly useful instrument. But think carefully again when your insurance agent starts saying that you should start early to "lock in low premiums" (because they will only get higher as you age).
The facts: At 5 per cent per annum compounded annually, a 30-year policy will cost you twice as much as a 20-year one, all else being equal. This means that buying an insurance policy 10 years earlier than necessary will cost you dearly, even if you do pay marginally lower premiums annually.
9 Have three or more? You can't afford it!
I adore children but, let's face it, kids really are financial black holes. Consolidate all your expenses, from hospital bills to tertiary education, and you realise that the baby bonus does little to alleviate the epic costs of raising a child. And parents regularly pass up promotions and raises for the sake of their young ones.
10 Live simply
Perhaps the most crucial point. Michael Jackson was worth over US$1 billion ($1.5 billion) at his zenith, but the spendthrift frittered his fortune because of his decadent lifestyle. Remember that income is only half of the wealth equation. A lack of fiscal discipline can still spell financial ruin.
Migration is also an option, but plan carefully, because amenities like healthcare are appallingly inefficient and/or expensive in other countries.
Money may be a terrible master, but the mastery of money makes many things possible. Even early retirement.
The writer is Charles Tan, currently studying MSc Finance and Economics at the London
School of Economics and Political Science
So, for those who are seeking to retire comfortably, early, here are 10 tips:
1 Don't buy a car
Why, oh why, would you buy a car in Singapore? A vehicle, unlike property, never appreciates in value, petrol prices are astronomical, and parking is often a waste of time and money. Besides, Singapore has a world-class public transport system.
2 Rent to live, Buy to invest
With property prices hitting the roof and interest rates soaring steadily, buying a home now has never been riskier. Rent the house you intend to live in and only buy property when the economy is mired in recession. Surround yourself with liquidity when the going is good, because cash truly is king when going gets tough.
3 Don't drink or smoke
There's a perfectly good reason for all those heavy duties on alcohol and tobacco ?they're bad for you. Liver cirrhosis and lung cancer are not pleasurable ?and it's not cheap to treat them. Quit now.
4 Don't gamble
It may not seem like much every time you place a wager. But consider this: Instead of blowing $500 a month on gambling, saving that amount in your CPF Special Account at 4 per cent per annum would yield a total of $350,000 at the end of 30 years.
5 Credit cards
With interest rates of 24 per cent per annum, credit cards spell disaster when they fall into the wrong hands. If you use a credit card because of the perks and privileges, make sure you can afford to pay off the debt in full. If you find yourself only paying the "minimum sum", you're in trouble ?so switch to using a debit card or Nets.
6 Own a business
If you have the right idea, relevant expertise and helpful partners, no other investment can match the kind of returns that owning a business can give you. If you don't have the inspiration to be an entrepreneur, then buy a piece of an existing company from the stock market.
7 Avoid unit trusts
Unit trusts have always marketed themselves as these glorious bastions of out-performance, run by dedicated professionals. But a Wall Street Journal study showed that, on average, professional fund managers are not any better at stock picking than chimpanzees throwing darts at a newspaper.
After taking sales charges, management fees and so on into account, you are almost always better off buying a benchmark index-tracking Exchange-Traded Funds, or ETFs.
8 Don't buy insurance unless you really need it
Insurance is an undoubtedly useful instrument. But think carefully again when your insurance agent starts saying that you should start early to "lock in low premiums" (because they will only get higher as you age).
The facts: At 5 per cent per annum compounded annually, a 30-year policy will cost you twice as much as a 20-year one, all else being equal. This means that buying an insurance policy 10 years earlier than necessary will cost you dearly, even if you do pay marginally lower premiums annually.
9 Have three or more? You can't afford it!
I adore children but, let's face it, kids really are financial black holes. Consolidate all your expenses, from hospital bills to tertiary education, and you realise that the baby bonus does little to alleviate the epic costs of raising a child. And parents regularly pass up promotions and raises for the sake of their young ones.
10 Live simply
Perhaps the most crucial point. Michael Jackson was worth over US$1 billion ($1.5 billion) at his zenith, but the spendthrift frittered his fortune because of his decadent lifestyle. Remember that income is only half of the wealth equation. A lack of fiscal discipline can still spell financial ruin.
Migration is also an option, but plan carefully, because amenities like healthcare are appallingly inefficient and/or expensive in other countries.
Money may be a terrible master, but the mastery of money makes many things possible. Even early retirement.
The writer is Charles Tan, currently studying MSc Finance and Economics at the London
School of Economics and Political Science
18.7.07
Blind Pilots
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all going to die."
Moral: Any job can be done with the right method of execution. I fink.
Contribution: ArchVik
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all going to die."
Moral: Any job can be done with the right method of execution. I fink.
Contribution: ArchVik
12.7.07
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