Like most of us live in a HDB flat anyway right, I mean not everyone has a huge house shared with a dog or pesky neighbours [Everitt Rd scandal], or are in a penthouse condo with a view of Marina Bay and beyond. Alas, no naked sunbathing allowed in Singapore too.
But, on recent calls by the Workers' Party in scrapping the racial quota for flats and all, I think its high time we review the one place in whole block of flats that everyone save those who stay in the 2nd and 3rd floors culminate at. The ubiquitous lift.
Otherwise known as elevator in the American sense of the word, and boy have I seen a lot of elevator sex vids in those days [I highly recommend Asia Carrera]. Tons of gripes and grouses about our lifts though the mechanical workhorses do have a never ending day and night and suffer the most injustice any human being would be loath to handle.
1. Dog Pee
Everyone knows that puddle of liquid. Some calm themselves by sayin someone dropped a packet of drink or that condensation of the cold air brought it about. But no mistaking it, it's dog pee.
We step over it, stand on tiptoes, do the whole Twister routine just to avoid getting some on our Body Shop scrubbed soles and unwittingly being accidental sinners in spreading the 7th floor neighbours' Jack Russell's pee from Ang Mo Kio to Boon Lay.
2.Chewing Gum
Just cos of what gum can do to lifts, I'm glad it was banned. Fuckin pesky teenagers sticking them on doors is one thing, but sticking them onto the floor buttons? Now, that's plain rude.
You know how it is, you press DC and wait, not knowing if the lift is moving or not cos your lift don't have the see thru window and its all opaque, after ten mins you get impatient. You press your floor button like a fervent arcade player and booosh! The door opens. Still at Level 1! KNNBCCB!
3. The neighbours
Of course, of all inconveniences we encounter in that sad cubicle we are most pissed of with the humans of course. If anyone can fuck up a simple 20 second trip down 5 floors in a 4 by 4 walled box, has to be the humanoids.
First, there are the all-knowing [or wanting to know] aunties. The ones who ask you the same goddamn questions day after day after day after day. Eat already? Never go school/work? Where your mother?
Then, come the yuppies who give you the once over look. Top to bottom, analyzing, stereotyping, frowning, sneering bastardos. Who just don't get it, yes, I look like a crook, but you do live in the same size house as me. So we're both poor anyway.
Is it really a crime to walk around shirtless? Haha, to coffeeshop only what or to go down check letter box. KNN ppl at basketball court all can be shirtless and swagger around and I can't do it in my own lift?
Every block has one of these. The old man who insists on sharing with you what colour his phlegm is that day. Like its as if when he's gathering it and retching his throat,he expects you to throw out a bet. Yellow? Green? Ah,today u drink water right..so must be White?
And old men have perfected this art. The art of holding one nostril shut and shooting out a pristine stream of mucus with the other one. Their aim is soo good I tell you. So, when it advertently lands on your Hawaianas, just know, they meant it to happen. IT means you've been a bad bad boy.
Now, a tip for the non-residents of my block. See, in my block due to years of living with each other we practically know which floor and which house each person belongs to, so if at anytime more than 2 ppl enter the lift, it's quite common that we press 6 and 11 together. Or, if there's only one other person 9 times out of 10 we do get the floor right. This is for convenience and prevents useless small talk especially when you've had a bad day and you'd rather scream at your missus than the poor old autistic kid on the 6th floor.
But then these darn visitors, agents, delivery men, postmen come along. These mofos either TRY and emulate our system and get it horribly wrong. Cos both of us get out on te 6th floor. There's a guy waiting to go down but now can't cos the lift HAS to go up since 11 was pressed anwyay. Also, the sheer rudeness of the visitors, at my place..we hold the lift even if its an ambling elderly from the end of the corridor. Cos we're nice. Also cos we expect them to do the same. I tell you, the last thing you'd need to spoil your day is to see some mofo go in press DC and then keep eye contact with you as the door closes instead of just reaching out and pressing DO. Mudderfucker right?
After all this ranting though, it's really a good idea that upgraded lifts do stop at every floor cos then you got no choice do you but ask the rest what floor they're at. Multi-racialism, and diversity and gotong royong aside, at least this helps you find out which floor that farker who always stare you stays at so that his Doc Martens can be conveniently "shopped" in future.
Adieu!
