SBS: Stanley Bing Shastras

I met a friend last night, that's Wednesday night if you're not on the same time zone as us. This is no ordinary friend, cos unlike mutual introductions, meeting over a chivas and coke or even a conflict leading to a friendship, I got to know my friend through this very blog.

That's right, he chanced upon Keling Killahs, he came on to mine, began his now and then comments and thus I know of him and he knows of me. God knows why he took the bold step to take the level on to MSN, but I'm glad it happened.

I shall advertise him only as his nick "Ugra Chandi". So, Chandi and me popped into Kinokuniya yesterday to pick up my first birthday present. 6 days too early is still a present nah? It still amazes me, two things actually, one was his story about how he chanced upon KLKillahs [trust me if you heard this tale of divine intervention you'd be a disbelieving keling yourself], and next is why a complete stranger would want to "chope" an item off your birthday list. Whereabouts such lau and affection, that even relations don't spring forth with these days.

I'm now the proud owner of three books by an author I love, lovingly coined by the man as the SBS [Stanley Bing Shashtras].



Alas, Chandi in all his card swiping and caustic commenting skills didn't manage to get the blur fuck employee who "donated" us a free pen for our troubles, to remove the price tags.

Thus, total damage on Chandi for the night due to me:

3 Stanley Bing books
1 Mee Goreng + Mata Lembu
1 Pint Heineken
1 Pint Guiness
1 Heineken bottle
1 Taxi Ride home

Total damage: $115 est.

Thanks buddy. Don't worry I'll go one up on your birthday.

Adieu!

Monday Blows

Since Vik has this issue with his mind, guaging that he is constantly of the belief that he is more hemsem than me, this is to define once and for all, when you oughta see a psychiatrist and when to see a psychologist.

Psychiatry - branch of medicine that deals with mental, emotional, or behavioral disorders

See the shrink when: You oughta be in Woodbridge aka IMH

Psychology -
the science of mind and behavior
the mental or behavioral characteristics of an individual or group
the study of mind and behavior in relation to a particular field of knowledge or activity

See the shrink when: You oughta be in Woodbridge aka IMH together with that whole gang you hang out with.

My brother is now sneaking around my computer and I only fear for the worse. See, me and my PC have this emotional bond. Whenever other hands touch her, she gets a tad bit sensitive. It's like sharing your wife with your drinking buddies. Not a good idea.

He uses mine cos his is password locked by dear mummy, who is exercising her parental control rights. So, the opportunity arises when I'm asleep like a corpse, out, in school, even for a 7 minute smoke break he can get down to the dirty dirty.

All the chap wants to do is use some MSN. Get a hold of some chicas, and probably when the time is right, get down to banging them. All 15 year olds think the same yaaar? But this fella is one step smarter. See, he does a thorough clean-up job before he leaves. This is cos, I save my MSN convos. This is essential for future blackmail of friends turned foes. So, he meticulously goes through the entire folder searching for the ones that match the chicks he has spoken to and sends it on to the recycle bin.

Problem with most sneaky people? They tend to get sloppy. Today he did. And boy oh boy was I amazed to see the way he's been chatting up people. He really has the talent la. Already he's a looker, now this talent. Finish. You're caught mofo. Next time, realize that I have 2 saved folders. One by my add-on app, and one regular one. Happy searching.

Tonight, I went to see one of those people who get into a trance and claim they are hosting God in their body during those few minutes. My mum has it in her mind that I'm blasting my brain about something and I won't tell her what. So, I went. And saw. It wasn't one of those violent, whip beating, cheroot smoking, nail biting incidents. A very quiet quiet affair. I got what I wanted out of it. And I'm glad. But, what I wanted to point out was something else.

There were two other boys at the house when we got there. 2 fucking cute 7 year olds. Twins. Looked EXACTLY a like. But by mannerisms, you could see that one of them has assumed the role of the elder brother. Ironically, it was the younger twin who had that role. And soon we realized why. See, these two kids stripped down to their undies to get blessed by holy paraphenelia: holy ash, flowers, lime and others. And the older one was so badly bruised it was as if someone had taken a sledge hammer to him. You could see the strangle bruises on his neck. Punch bruises on his back. Kick bruises on his leg. And on the other one, nothing.

That's when we kinda overheard that they had a drunken and violent dad. Someone wondered aloud, how come the kids got hit and not the wife. That query was answered by a "Cos she hits back!". Ah, the guy had found the perfect woman for him, yet his kids had found the most imperfect kinda parent they could have got. The abusive sort. It was sickening, yet realistic.

Poignant.

Adieu!

Vinny

Vinayagar Chathurthi has just passed by. For those who are not aware of what this is about, here is the lowdown [this is in line with my continuing efforts to make more Hindus, Hindu-wise]:

The first prayer of a Hindu is always to Vinayagar.Vinayagar is invoked at the beginning of all ritualistic worship. He is invoked before a family moves into a house. Recitatation of holy songs begin with the recitation of a Vinayagar mantra or song.

While there are countless Vinayagar temples, every Hindu temple dedicated to some other deity, including the Vaisnavite temple, has a statue of him. Vinayagar is not only worshipped by Hindus. He has a place in many other religions and nations of people. His name might not be the same but the figure is similar and so are the ideas that Vinayagar represents - auspiciousness, prosperity, well-being and wisdom.

Vinayagar has a place in the Buddhist temple and among the Jains. The Chinese too worship Vinayagar but with a different name. Vinayagar or Vinayagar-like deities are found in Indonesia, Japan, Afghanistan, Mexico, Brazil, Burma, Thailand, Cambodia, Tibet, Mongolia and Polynesia, among other places.

Vinayagar is both the Lord of obstacles as well as the Remover of obstacles. When we do evil things or when the time is not right, He places obstacles in our path. When we take the correct path, He removes the root of our troubles.

Vinayagar Chaturthi falls on the 4th day of the new moon in the month of Aavani (August-September).

And here are a coupla nice pictures I got thru an email for all ye Vinny fans.

Dreamscape

I got this sms in the morning, from a friend I haven't even met before:

"Hey good morning. I had a weird dream with you in it. Contradictory to one of your dreams. You and your friends were on a roof top but you were sitting alone. I came up to you and you told me to sit on the floor. You asked if I've tried 'this' and put this white square pill in my palm. Was like "no", so I put it in my mouth and was waiting for it to dissolve and my friend who had an uncanny resemblance to sarah j.p. (jessica parker) scared me. The pill fell out while I was tryin to deny everything then her dog ate it went crazy, jumped down the building and died."

Now, I'm a drug pusher in The Matrix (red pill/blue pill) and I hobnob with celebrities from Sex and the City. Why, why, why!

Poor dog though.

Insomnia

Trying to sleep but my eyes open wide
With voices whispering from every side
Battles in my mind and nowhere to hide
a futile resistance against the rising tide

Thought after thought taunting my soul
As this constant barrage takes its toll
Eating away slowly now a gaping hole
My mind going crazy and out of control

I search frantically and fail in despair
For something elusive which was always there
Something tossed away without a care
its prolonged absence I can no longer bear

Finely balanced on the edge of a knife
I see the stranger who lives my life
an emotionless tyrant causing havoc and strife
A corrupted soul where ignorance is rife

My whole world is hypocrisy and lies
And no more goodness do I recognise
Everything I possess I begin to despise
And this voice inside, I hear its cries

This murmuring voice so long ignored
To delay it further, I can not afford
So this mission of truth, I have taken aboard
With conviction my shield and truth my sword

Lifting my hands to my lord I pray
'let ignorance go and let faith stay
Through your mercy show me the way
Give me guidance so that I can obey'

Content and happy, no more tears to weep
Content and happy, I fall asleep

Payday

31st August is PAYDAY. WOOHOO!!!!!!!

Phone line will be up and running on 1st September. I will not mass SMS. Just take it as understand understood.

All those whom I've spoken to about the proposed event, I'll be calling a meeting very shortly. Keep your schedules open.

9 days to the Birthday. The Wishlist is still not fully "choped". Come on, do your part for charity.

Welfare Notice of the Day:
Warning! Smoking causes gangrene.
Call 1800-438-2000

Smoking Guns

Twas a good Sunday. Woke up. Ate. Watched Miss Vasantham. Ate. And then the revelation. I am finally allowed to legally smoke within the confines of my room. This is very pleasing news because in those wee hours of the morning where my nocturnalitis kicks in, I am forced to consistently get out of the house and smoke by the flowerpots or try and sneak a coupla puffs in at the kitchen window (highly dependant on wind direction).

It's one of those inevitable things I guess. Like the time, it came up that I was smoking and no, I wasn't going to stop just cos whenever you saw some cigs in my pockets, you'd throw them away for me. Money always talks sense. Don't throw away things that money bought. It's utterly wasteful. Think of the poor children in Somalia who would have been dying for a nicotine break just about now. [Were these same lines used on you as a child when you didn't finish up what was on your plate?]

Well, technically, no one said it out loud that it's legal for me to blow smoke rings in my room. Cos, good Indian boys don't ask good Indian parents these sorta things, and good Indian parents are never to say such things out loud. This is so that they can STILL bitch about your vice to relatives and friends alike without feeling too insincere about it. But still, woohoo!

Next step? Try and lobby for a permanent ashtray at my table. It's quite tough balancing a cup of coffee, cigarette between fingers, and having to type messages out on the keyboard, 2 finger - praying mantis style.

I think I'll get one of those heavy heavy glass ones. Just so that it can double up as a weapon if need be during sibling brawls.

Adieu!

Graph Paper

This what I go to school for, and do.
I wish. I did.

Self-Inspired

I am inspired. I've stayed home for another Saturday night. Mostly, because I overslept and failed to attend a birthday dinner. That resulted in me giving up on attending a birthday pubbing session too. And thank god I didn't turn up.

But firstly, I am on this self-realization tour. The questions I ask are no more "Why is this happening to me?" but "Why am I letting this happen?". Truth be told, I should have learnt to ask the proper question way back, however, I let it happen. Let myself be fooled by attributing events to chance and coincidence.

One thing I need to STOP letting happen is drunk-dialling. Yes, I am guilty of drunk dialling. Very. I do it all the time. Nothing stops me. Not even cut outgoing. I will find a way. Use someone else's phone or use the landlines. I have no idea why I do it. I just feel this insane need to talk to someone I know, when I'm at that kinda level of alcohol abuse and beyond.

The usual victims are ex-girlfriends, those I still talk to. Yes, even direct trunk calls to the USA is not beyond me. Next, if I don't intend to call exes would be the women currently playing a role in my life. And don't get me wrong, I don't call to pick a fight, or bring up some old grouse as you would expect drunk fucks to spew. I just want to talk. Have a voice I'm familiar with on the other end of the line. Till I think it's time to sleep. Or till the cold cab ride ends.

Thus, I now know, this must stop. At the very least, it is fuckin embarassing. Drunks have this leeway when it comes to embarassment, but even that, I don't wish to have. So, I sincerely apologize to everyone who reads me and I've drunk dialled over the time I've known you guys. I'm sorry, truly. As RT puts it, "I've learnt not to pick up your calls when it's not your regular calling times". How true, how true.

Friday was a day like no other. I thought it was going to go badly. Fortunately it didn't. I prayed like a feverish pious son of a priest before heading out. It's a bit weird I know, seeing holy ash on my forehead. But heck it, I wanted to head out, had a bad feeling, but yet insisted on heading out.

It was only AFTER I reached the place that I realized it was one of my close brother's birthday when it strikes 12. So, alcohol was the order of the day. He was full of complaints though. Complaining that its his birthday and he forks out all the dough, no one shared with him. I didn't have much to say for or against him cos I'm as broke as the next motherfucker anyhow.

Met coupla old secondary school seniors. Some in school, some embarking on a new job. Updated them on my happenings. They finally GOT it that I don't really keep in touch with boys from the old school cos I just don't think they're good enough. Exchanged gossip, parted ways cos I felt I had a long night going on and they wanted to get back home. It was funny watching an ex-nerd puffing on Marlboro Menthols and studying medicine. I mean what irony. So, I did the right thing and bummed some cigarettes off him.

I left for another club expecting to see a group who should be there and they were. Which was when I got the shocker of the night. That someone I know very well and is related to me, is awaiting his sentencing on Thursday. So, he'll be spending his Teacher's Day behind bars to make the start of a new month. This will be his second time. And I was quite sad that it's happening. But, it's true you know, no matter how much money you make, where you work, how you dress, who you fuck, old habits will always die hard.

So, since he can't be celebrating his birthday out with the rest. They pushed forward his birthday celebs by a month and ran it on that day. It was fuckin weird, people wishing this bloke happy birthday, some in the know some just oblivious. And he still wanted to get to work the next day. Workin, workin even till the eve of the court date. It's all about the Benjamins.

We only ended at 12pm. I've no idea why we ended up at Telok Blangah, but we did. And someone got the brunt of my midday wrath too. No matter what the fuck goes through your mind, never never hit the tongue of my cap. It's not about the cap, it's about the pushing and re-positioning of my spectacles. Ask any speccy, no one likes our specs touched or moved without our prior understanding and approval. My greatest fear is to go blind. I can never imagine a life without sight.

So, I overslept right. All the way to 11 tonight. This is normal. I need my 12 hours. Actually, I don't know if I need it. My body just makes it happen. Tonight was pretty fucked in that everyone around me simply assumed I'm awake at 340 am and later at 430 am. I know its a Saturday. But don't just pick up the phone and call man, I could be busy with "something else" . Something I don't need to be disturbed by with the throes of "Nalla Sarakku".

I was thrust into the role of the middle man with one of these calls. And I hate it. See, I drink with anyone who likes to drink. Thus, I am a roving drinker. You like, I like, we drink. But the problem with the scene is that people identify you with certain groups and BELIEVE you're with them in all their activities too. So, this time around, some blokes hammered other blokes and it became "Shanker's brothers" did it. Oh, fuck!

And you try playing middleman through the phone with 2 egoistic bastards, both refusing to call the other one up cos it is not the "way" to do things, since they are the "bigger man". "You tell him ah....." and "You tell him that....". KNN, all I wanted to do was watch my Naruto and Bleach, read my Fortune and sleep. But noooooooooooo. I ended up having to defend my very safety within these phone convos. Luckily it has all bit the dust. I hope. Haiz. Why can't we all just get along?

On a more pleasant note, things are falling into place a bit. Structure and order and all. Now, to see if we can wring more than 24 hours out of each day. A wish, a wish.

Adieu!

Anti-Female

You know that I'm uninspired and utterly bored when I resort to this.

Dean's List

When the drudgery of school ends on a Friday, sometimes little things pop up in your inbox to show how you aint the only one who thinks the management has gone cuckoo.

Dear All

You may notice that the Dean, Vice Dean and Sub Dean are now called Chair, Associate Chair and Assistant Chair respectively.

Do you like my new title???

Have a nice weekend .... STUDYING, of course

Regards Siow Yong

------------------------------
Lim Siow Yong, PhD
Associate Professor & Assistant Chair (Students)
School of Civil & Environmental Engineering

It's a sad day really when you study your ass out to get to your PhD and get a title that is synonymous with a piece of furniture. What do they give you when you retire? A gold plated chair? I won't be surprised. By the way, NTU doesn't own those feeble wooden or normal computer chairs you see nation wide. We buy $2,200 a piece, Herman Millers mudderfucker!

Adieu!

The Quad

Only at The Quad, can we witness the utter wastage of our 10 dollars coughed up per semester in maintenance bills. The fountains go non-stop and neither soothe nor calm, but irritate the hell outa the sonics. Shut them down! I aint paying for no upkeep of irritating fountains. What purpose do they serve? The water goes up, up, and then oh wait, it goes down, just to go up again.

Only at The Quad, do you get to chill with good pals and crack each other up with great annecdotes, some true, most lies.

Only at The Quad, will Vik mistake an Indian girl with a big butt wearing green, for a Punjabi girl with a hot bod wearing blue. And he will later attempt to cover up ALL his false tales with the perpetual "That wasn't the one I was talking about la..."

Only at The Quad, can baked rice with chicken turn from hot, steaming, piping, filling meal to cold, raw chicken dumped into soggy cheese melted rice in the space of 15 minutes. Where, like Cafe Carterl, dishes are prepared ahead of time and just microwaved before serving. Thing is, the dishes are still blazing hot you fools! How do you expect one to manoeuvre the plates onto the trays when the fires of Lucifer are biting your palm?

Only at The Quad, can one man be totally shamed without him even being there. IT's like everyone had a story to share. I was happy. Common enemies are soo hard to find these days.

Only at The Quad, will a freshie in blue, follow us, unwittingly from Canteen A only to stand around with her Chinese friends contemplating on what to do while slurping on just a solo ice cream. You know we're looking, next time smile ;) Don't do the whole, I live in a different dimension, after all the one facing your direction was a sweet female senior not brazen boys.

Only at The Quad, will we see an Ang Moh chick, practically point to her breasts, and then proceed to cup them with both palms at her table and subsequently tuck into her sphagetti. We should have used the Hugo shades to counter your large ass red screaming ones, but of course, branded Vik has a "mighty" sense of urgency sometimes.

Only at The Quad, will you realize that this is now our pod. No more Canteens for us. The Quad, the Quad! Viva la Quad.

*Do the Q sign*

Adieu!

Lucky Number Slevin

Catch this! Layer Cake meets Pulp Fiction meets Kill Bill. In the form of a narrative, oh I so love narratives. Think a movie that flows like Fight Club and The Usual Suspects.

Some bloke gets into an identity mix-up and is now in the middle of a gangland war between 2 rival crime bosses. Lotsa blood, lotsa shoot-em-ups. And this fella running around.

You got Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley all in a sub 2 hour flick. What do you think is the result?

Get the DVD even. A flick you won't mind re-watching.


Bruce Willis: Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo and came in third, that's a story.

[After walkin in on his gfren cheating on him, she's doing it doggy now]
Slevin: Don't stop on my account
Gfren: This is an accident
Slevin: What, like...He tripped? You fell?

lucky number slevin
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Lethargy

I've been hit by lethargy and so I shall make this quick.

1. Sorry folks, I was supposed to do lunch, in fact I arranged it, but money calls and money earned rather than money spent is always a good thing in my book. Well, as it is, The Quad has been christened. It is our new "pod" cos there's something bout all those smart chicks who study biological sciences. Why are they so hot? We will never know. But The Quad is going to help us find out.

2. I am forming a new movement. The gist is this. You sign up with me and I'll put you in cells of 4 (not more than 4 definitely, could be less). Everytime, I have an existing project to undertake, I'll pass it on to one of these cells, and you work on it. End of the day, you make your dough, I make mine as the initiator and all goes well till I find the next project.

Aim: Make some moolah.
Sub-Aim: Conquer the world.

On my part, I will fund all these said projects, but you work your ass out on them. People who are tantamount to going MIA, feeling lazy, with priority issues (i.e. your girlfriend's birthday is more impt than a meeting with the management of a venue) please stay far far away. I want this to be an independent-overview role for me, not a cleaner-upper.

I am looking for Poly/Uni students mostly. Studying business is a bonus, wanting to do business is all it takes. At present, I already have three for you to work on. So, let me know if you're interested, email/msn me. And we can get cracking.

3. mrbrown's t-shirts are out. They were on sale since yesterday at the Heeren. If you want to make a statement with them, go grab them as there are only 2 designs, one has a print of 350 and one only has 150 pieces. Read more at www.mrbrownshow.com . I need someone to buy me one of both in 'L'. So, if you read this and are there, and they still have them. Please do the necessary. Much appreciated, no worries, I'll pay. =)

4. If you're used to lashing out and no one actually jumps out and says "Fuck off ant.", then I really beg to differ. See, I don't play fair and I have tons of time (when I'm not out there contributing to the GDP). Why should I? Now, I like to keep things impersonal, I don't do names, I don't do places, just overviews. Who knows, knows. Who doesn't, doesn't. Simple?

Before, I react, I'll give you a "three strikes out" leeway. This is over and above my penchant for self-deprecating humour. So, click HERE , HERE and HERE.

I'd like to thank my fellow coppers, legalese folks (yes, you paralegals too you schmucks, haha), friends from tomorrow.sg, and a priceless trilogy of :

a. hitting below the belt. going for the balls.
b. at least you dont squat with balls in your face
c. slowly la ... let the bitch evolve in me

And what happens, happens.

Aroha Nui! *Nose Rub*
[Dedicated to the 60 NZD cat on her ankle and the polka dot shoes, circa NUS Arts Canteen 210806]

Brown Elephant

From talkingcock.com:

Happy National Day, cocksters!

This National Day, don't just lie back and watch TV or cabut to Malaysia or Perth as usual. Do something meaningful for a change, leh!

Why not join an online campaign for conserving and preserving indigenous Singaporean wildlife? What? No such thing as local indigenous wildlife, you say?

That's where you're wrong!

The common Brown Elephant (Bloggeratus Singaporeanus) is currently under serious threat


Help keep the Brown Elephant's natural habitat alive!

Why not download the image above and post it on your blogs or websites, or email it to your friends, as a sign of support for preserving the environment for free speech in Singapore?

But please, hor, DON'T sabo us by emailing this to the Gahmen, even though the last time people posted images of elephants in front of them, it achieved its aim. (But maybe it worked only because the elephants were their favourite colour - WHITE!) We're too chicken to kena call up for police questioning or tio a 'stern warning'.

After the Brown Elephant, don't let the Talking Cock (Kongus Chiaowayus) fall under the same threat!

Food Chase

Mad about food? Know your alphabet even while gorging?

Join Downtown East's Food Chase contest. Team of 2. Eat like dogs, then run like dogs.

Win $3000 if you're tops.

Click HERE.

Is it ? II

Is it that a certain "defiled" "stepdaughter" (as opposed to drunkenstepfather, has removed password protection from her blog?). No more fear? No more hiding under the coffee table? No more showy offyness that got her the "Fame" in the first place? Nah. All still there. Read the tags.

If you know what I'm talking bout, proceed. If you don't, you aint meant to know either way.

Is it that many people are tryin to con me out of providing free dinners and calling it birthday gifts?

Is it that I really oughta start on a 20 page report, but I've procastinated for a month and I think I can carry on for more, if the deadline wasn't 30th August?

Is it that some of youse don't understand how handphone companies work? When outgoing is cut, it means I can't reply mofos. Doesn't mean you can't call. Geddit? No calls/sms going "out". A-ok with all coming in, cos it's free! And also, if you die die can't reach me, use intelligence and leave a "Call me back" message. If you're important, I will. If you aint, now you know you arent.

Is it that I'm still down with lotsa phlegm and on-off fever (yes, I hide it quite well) and if I do drop dead, do remember to turn up in all your full regalia and bring some African tribal drums too? I think send offs need a good rhythm.

Is it that I am waiting for some people to call, 3 actually, but they've gone missing like last month's full moon? Always waning, always decreasing and then popping up for no particular reason?

It is.

Encyclopedia Sale

Well, I don't know how many of you out there are mothers with children but I have ALL my encyclopedias and reference books for sale now. It's quite urgent, not cos I need the dough, but cos I need the shelf space.

A sample of what I have:



All details can be accessed thru this link : HERE

Adieu!

Love to Murder

After 4 girlfriends and the tons of exposure I have to this BGR game and after watching too many Kollywood/Bollywood flicks in my day, I have learnt but this:

"You've never loved anyone till you've planned to murder them and are now standing at the mirror practising your alibi for the cops"

It's all about the passion. Think about it.

Will I ever find a woman who's ex bfren is not:

a. her friend?
b. her confidante?
c. fucking her as we speak?
d. has a season ticket to he home?
e. buys presents for HER mum/sis/and entire extended family?

Adieu!

Moony Monday

First, I wanna show you this appalling classified posted on NTU's classifieds, otherwise known as the "public folder" in our Outlook Express.

From: #GOH SOO LIANG GARY#
Posted At: Mon 8/21/2006 6:00 PM
Posted To: Tuition and Job Assignment
Conversation: part time cleaner on campus (weekend)
Subject: part time cleaner on campus (weekend)

Anyone willing to do room cleaning for me at the price of 5 an hour. I need sum1 to clean my room every weekend for 2 hours...just 1 room...reply to the email pls

No, seriously. What kinda mofo owns a hostel room and still can't even bend his own back to clean it up. Is he so used to an Indonesian maid or what? Reminds me of that episode of Moulmein High where the kids bring in their maids to their school camp to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Next, I want to recount my day. Cos, I heard that if you're a true blogger, this is what you're supposed to do. So, in this story, "ME" is "me", "Friend" is "someone I like", "Fucktwat" is "someone I don't like/fancy/treat as a human being"

Early in the morning, at about 11+, I met Friend at Sembawang. Took the train down to NTU. Met two other Friends. Me and one Friend then took a trip down to the south side of school to get something done, while the other 2 Friends decided to get to know each other.

Upon returning, I spotted a Fucktwat near the ATM. Wait there were 2 actually. A casual wave and the 3 Friends and I met up again, only to depart a while later, after the customary 'byes'. Walking on towards the busstop, I saw a Fucktwat who smiled (at least I figure it was to me, but then again the general direction was bad enough). So, I nodded and stared and abovementioned Fucktwat.

Took the bus and train and bus and got to NUS. Called a Friend. She came. Called another Friend. She came too. Saw a Fucktwat sitting with a "I'm prettier than thou" Fucktwat. He later got ditched for lunch by her. Nothing much to say cos I got ditched too. By 2 Friends no less. One went off in the direction of a medical institution, with a "soon to be" Friend (I hope). The other went off in search of Subway.

So, Friend and I ate at the Arts Canteen. The amount of Fucktwats we saw prancing about school was just fantastic. Uncountable even with my 20 fingers and 30 toes. Soon, I saw another Friend, just as this Friend was ready to depart. So, I sat with said Friend and his 2 other friends and provided some intellectual discourse for the next hour, in the process investigating a mysterious pussy that was on the leg of a girl (tattoo).

Old Friend then arrived after Subway-ing and we talked and walked to the bus terminus. At least, half way there. Friend had some nice apple lip balm going on. I then left this hellhole named National University of Singapore.

And then the day was quite a blur. I was practically operating in a daze. Lucky, darlin Rita didn't mind me sleeping for a good hour or so, if not I'd be the next Beetlejuice by the time this post went out. Yet, she insisted on lying that I snored like a pride of elephants. I don't snore! And my ex girlfriends were not so heavy sleepers till they didn't realize I snore!

I came home to the pleasantest of surprises. My mum grew too sick of my room and unkempt clothes and bed that she managed to do some interior designing and cleaning. The room is now spick and span and fit to eat chicken curry off the floor with. The bed has since shifted to another position. I tell you, if anyone can rearrange within a small confined area, twice in a year, it's my mum. She's gotten quite pro at it. Other mums throw out old stuff. My mum just rearranges them till the room looks neater.

So, a clean heart and a clean room to start the new semester. Now to aim for cleaner lungs and let the liver cells that have been working overtime to recuperate.

Adieu!

P.S.
10 more days to departure of 4D3N Bangkok+Pattaya. Do all your shopping for Deepavalli. Yes, curtains included, everyone knows Bangkok is the bes tplace to get them.
Discounted travel for a group of 5 and more. For full details click HERE (it's a *.doc file), if you haven't already received the e-mail mailer.

Name Game

Aim: To expose the silliness of friendster bulletins and to partake in such silliness myself.

S- Easy to fall in love with.
H- You have a very good personality and looks.
A- You like to curse alot
N- You are dead sexy.
K- You are really silly.
E- Damn good kisser.
R- Fcukin Crazy


A- You like to curse alot
B- You like people.
C- You're wild and crazy.
D- You have one of the best personalities ever.
E- Damn good kisser.
F- People adore you.
G- You never let people tell you what to do.
H- You have a very good personality and looks.
I- You have a fine ass
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You are really silly.
L- you live to have fun.
M- one to have fun.
N- You are dead sexy.
O- You are one of the best in bed.
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- Fcukin Crazy
S- Easy to fall in love with.
T- You're loyal to those you love.
U- You really like to chill.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded.
X- You never let people tell you what to do.
Y- one of the best damn bf/gf ne one could ask for.
Z- Always ready.

There you go. Of course, you know I wouldn't be putting this up if there was even one negativity associated with my name right. *Grin*

Adieu!

Birthday Plan

It's like urmz 16 days to my birthday and counting. That's just over two weeks so get all ya budgeting right.

I am not having a big birthday bash because I never have. In fact, one fine year, all I did was stick a candle into a large Curry Chicken pizza and we blew it out as a family. I didn't do no drunken binge and screw a hoooker when I was 21. I instead, bought dinner for my family and extensions at Karaikudis. Food was damn good by the way.

So, this year. I wanna do something up class. Amidst all the poverty, in my life and those around me, it's time to spread the joy. How do you spread joy? Well you blow more dough!

MOS has kindly extended me with a good birthday bash offer which I think is pretty nice and worth it considering the price.


Thus, I am looking for 7 others to join me on the MOS escapade, which will be my 24th birthday celebs. I'll be straight with you guys. I've never belonged to the "Birthday boy feeds all" nor "All feed the Birthday Boy" theories. If we can meet halfway , that's totally cool with me and much appreciated.

It will cost $380. Between 9 people. That's a little over 42 bucks a person, to drink all that above mentioned liquor. IF need be, I'll chip in more. so, theoretically if I go in for $100, that will mean each of the other 8 pay $35.

Sounds a bit fair to me, thinking as it is that this is the amount most of us pay on an average night out at the clubs. I wanna get a table at Smoove and this offer is valid till 2 weeks after my actual birthday even.

So, mail/sms/call/tag me if you're interested. The first ones in the fray are Me (duh!?!) , RT, Nal

And make sure none of youse who wanna come is:

1. Underaged
2. Banned from MOS
3. Have violent tendencies after drinking
4. Cry like a bitch over your ex-gfren/bfren after drinking
5. Fall flat on your face after 2 glasses of liquor
6. Puke at any time near me, in the toilets is much preferred.

Any of the above happens, it will totally spoil my night and I will fuck u up silly. For those who haven't seen me in that state, I welcome you to try. You have been warned.

I am working on an "underground" tie-up within the joint with the bartenders that I know, so trust me, the list of bottles wont be the end of it all.

Let me know mofos.

Below is the schedule for Sept which I will update as I go along cos I'm so forgetful these days:

Schedule for Sept
[The 2 week Birthday Extravaganza]

1st - Fri - With Granny
2nd - Sat - Clubbed
3rd - Sun - Detoxified
4th- Mon - Lunch with V, Meet Vik in school, attempt to do some quality work, Jothi's birthday, Go NUS
5th - Tue - Home Sweet Home
6th - Wed - Lunch with Sim and gang of 6, Dinner with Joanne, Granny's wedding anniversary
7th - Thur - FE1007 Quiz :(
8th - Fri - Lunch w/ Kasthuri, Dinner with Nal, Brazilian at 6th, Night with camp boys at Hideout, Insomnia at Amaran
9th - Sat - Boat Quay
10th - Sun - Wedding at Ceylon Road with Praba and RT, Revathi's Birthday
11th - Mon
12th - Tues
13th - Wed - Parent's Wedding Anniversary
14th - Thur
15th - Fri
16th - Sat - Brother's birthday [Also LKY's]
17th - Sun
18th - Mon
19th - Tues
20th - Wed
21st - Thurs
22nd - Fri
23rd - Sat - Classical Dance Performance

Before you call, note that I can't do lunch on Wednesdays to Fridays. This is because, I is has turned over the banana leaf and WILL be attending all tutorials this semester.

The link will be on the sidebar so check back for updates.

Adieu!

Chopstix

Is it for the second time in 2 nights, I popped the disposable chopsticks outa the plastic wrapping to tuck in to my mee and only realized I was using them the wrong way round, AFTER I was done and was gonna clear up?

Yes, my friends (and foes alike), I am chopstick-dextrous. Now top that.

On a more educational note:

The characteristic use of chopsticks in traditional Chinese society stems essentially from philosophical reasons. Mealtimes are considered as events which promote social harmony through the gathering of family and friends.

It is therefore considered inappropriate for any implement designed to stab and cut (such as a knife) to be used at the dining table, as such implements are associated with violence. It is also for this reason that Chinese chopsticks never have pointed ends.

And these should serve not to embarass you at anymore Chinese wedding dinners [dedicated to MM who decided to use one stick to stir his Martell Sprite at the recent auction, both of which was embarassing, cos high quality liquor is NOT mixer-ed, ever.] :

• Never wave your chopsticks around as if it was an extension of your hand gestures, bang them like drumsticks or use them to move bowls or plates.
• Decide what to pick up before reaching with chopsticks (do not hover around or poke looking for special ingredients). After you have picked up an item, do not put it back in the dish.
• When picking up a piece of food, never use the tips of your chopsticks to poke through the food as if you were using a fork.
  
• Chopsticks can be rested horizontally on one's plate or bowl to keep them off the table entirely. A chopstick rest can also be used to keep the points off the table.
• It is normal to have your lips touching the edge of the rice bowl and using chopsticks to push rice directly into the mouth.
• Never stab chopsticks into a bowl of rice, leaving them standing upwards. Any stick-like object facing upward resembles the incense sticks that some Asians use as offerings to deceased family members.
• A set of chopsticks are one of the wedding gifts normally presented to Chinese newlyweds as the Chinese words for "chopsticks" and "to bear a son soon" sound the same.
• When communal chopsticks are supplied with shared plates of food, it is considered impolite to use your own chopsticks to pick up the food from the shared plate or eat using the communal chopsticks.
  

Got it? Now tuck in. I recommend


For breakfast: 3 dollar char siew wanton mee kia, add luncheon meat and sausage, extra chilli
For lunch: 3 dollar mushroom chicken wanton mee, extra serving wanton soup.
For dinner: 4 dollar minced meat fishball mee kia, add mushrooms and one more fishcake for robustness, way extra chilli so you can have a good purging in the morning.

Adieu!

MSN Nick Project

A new pet project. MSN Nicks. You know how some astound, some humour, some plain want us to give them a kick in their crotch for their "creativeness" and some professs undying love or love dying?

As of 1920H, Saturday, 19th Aug 2006, Nicks found on my contact list:
Total online: 52
Total offline: 279

The Lovelorn

• Y does he rip my heart in 2 a thousand pieces?
• My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. They say time heals wounds, but some wounds get deeper with time.
• If love is blind, how can there be love at first sight?

The Witty

• If you love him, let him go. If he doesn't come back, he's with me.
• Too hot to be Singaporean
• Come August, if you aint a football fan, you'll be getting lotsa dates with other people's neglected girlfriends
• When you do things right, people won't be sure if you've done anything at all
• I'm like Heaven, they wanna get to me

The Foreign Language Specialists

• Solus Deus Enarrabilis Aestimo, Tvam-Ev-Aham
• Sooravazhi kaatru pola suzhanru varaandi. Avanai sutti nikkum pasanga ellam mirandu poraandi

The Song Lyricists:

• Oops! There go my kids all over your face [mine mine mine!]
• Hate me, fry me, bake me, try me.

The Ones who wanna say something but yet you have no idea who they're telling it to:

• Prove myself, I will
• Riding against the Tsunami
• Sticking feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken
• Is your life a beach?
• The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
• Even the best fall down sometimes
• No one said it was gonna be easy
• Above the clouds

Done. The true cocksters aren't online when its a lazy Saturday evening. They're online when the rest of us are in school or at work. But not to worry, I'll find them. If it means cutting school to observe them, I will.

Adieu!

Lessons

I learnt many lessons last night. I was out in town. I was broke. That's right. Penniless. Firstly, why I became penniless, the lessons learnt:

1. Fun is paramount. It don't matter if you blow five hundred or just fifty. The night must net fun. This includes sending other tables jugs just cos you wanna show off superiority and take a jab at their penniless pussy pawing ways.

2. Debit cards are a double edged sword. Valid, legitimate transactions are A-OK as long as you got the dough. The bitch ass part is void transaction slips. This is when some motherfucker who hasn't touched a credit card machine before attempts to swipe your card, not once not twice but 4 times, each time incurring a 20-30 dollar bill and then after finally experimenting and learning, voids the previous 3 attempts. Void, yes, not much harm done. Except, it totally deflates your ledger balance and the bank takes 7 working days to process this void slip and return aforementioned money back to you.

3. Complacency. 3 months under a paymaster and I've got complacent. Nowhere near the hardworking bloke I was a few months back, scrounging and penny pinching and taking public transport [read MRT not Comforts]. It's high time I got back in the groove. Watch this space for new makeup, perfumes and bags for the ladies.

Now, continuing on. Lessons learnt when you are out in town but penniless:

1. Never rely on anyone totally. Always, always have a backup plan.

2. A handphone is all but useless if you can't flip to the first name and hear the ringing tone. Waiting for people to call is such a bitch, you try it.

3. 10 cent coin phones are not THAT easy to find in all connected, refurbished, spick and span Singapore.

Then, proceeding, I learnt some more valuable lessons. These apply to when you are out of the scene for a while and return back.

1. You kinda realize that only some people will hold you in the old high regard and for the rest, it's back to square one motherfucker. But, it's cool, square one or not.

2. Never trust anyone's assurances over YOUR safety. You are the only one who can take care of yourself. Especially don't take sober words to mean the same when alcohol is imbibed later.

3. It's pretty hard to be a freelance cliquer. I don't really know how I managed it all these years, but the strain is getting to me. It showed quite clearly last night, when some random conflict that occurred when I wasn't even around was attributed to "Shanker's friends".

4. It's pretty hard to put across to people when they have downed a lot of stout, bourbon and vodka that the venn diagram that encompasses "my friends" is pretty large indeed.

5. When you sense danger, just leave. Don't play the percentages. It won't work your way all the time. This is exactly why I departed at 1.30 am last night and on Wednesday when we did our yearly post-7th month auction pub expedition.

6. I'm getting too old and too tired for this shit. And I'm gonna take a break. A long one, I hope.

I take this excerpt out from Sun Tzu's Art of War, the Introduction:

Warfare is the Way of deception. Therefore,
if able, appear unable,
if active, appear not active,
if near, appear far,
if far, appear near
If they have advantage, entice them;
if they are confused, take them,
if they are substantial, prepare for them,
if they are strong, avoid them,
if they are angry, disturb them,
if they are humble, make them haughty,
if they are relaxed, toil them,
if they are united, separate them.

If you vaguely even know the kind of person I am. You'll understand why I've put this here.

Adieu!

MTV Wannabe

Ever wanted to see your pretty faces on MTV? Ever wanted to have a kickass party for your friends and family to be viewed by millions of people on tvs across the region? Want RONIN to perform for FREE at your private living room for a rockin' good time for your personal ROCK CONCERT!? Read on to find out how!

Motorola Singapore has roped in leading local indie band Ronin to help promote the upcoming launch of the Motorola ROKR E2. In a first of its kind competition and prize in Singapore – Motorola Singapore brings a live Ronin concert into your living room!

Consumers stand a chance to win a once in a lifetime opportunity to have Ronin perform an out of this world rock concert at their house. They can choose to keep Ronin all to themselves or invite the whole block to the awesome party at their pad for some body surfing action – the choice is theirs! That's not all, the winner also gets to enjoy five seconds of international stardom as MTV will film the action and screen it on MTV Mobbed!

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THIS!
SMS the following to 77111
MOTOROKR (space) Name (space) IC Number (space) Age

This is your one chance to have your own private party... on MTV! So send those SMSes now!!. You can send as many messages as you want. Winners will be selected on the 7th SEPTEMBER and informed :)

Jack Sparrow

Marty: [looking at the cloth] It's a key!

Jack Sparrow: No! Much more better. It is a draw-ring of a key.

Jack Sparrow: Gentlemen...what do keys do?

Leech: Keys...unlock...t'ings?

Gibbs: And whatever this key unlocks, inside there's something valuable. So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks!

Jack Sparrow: [looks as if he is about to nod his head, then stops] No. If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?

Gibbs: So...we're going after this key!

Jack Sparrow: You're not making any sense at all.

Hungry Ghosts

We all know it's the 7th month. The Festival of the Hungry Ghosts. Where ghosts roam and feed from dusk to twillight. Where the Bangladeshi cleaners do some extra work in picking up all the loose offerings, the ones in my area used to tuck in to the apples and oranges left in the open fields till a few of them got some supernatural experiences.

Trust me. Getting a supernatural experience in the confines of your dumpyard is not a good thing. They refused to sleep in there for a good month or so.

So, I'm sure you know the rest of the superstitions. Don't go swimming lest a bad water ghost drowns you. Return early home, don't wander, don't bring meat and wander about outside, make a peace offering before you consume it. The works.

About the most interesting thing of all that happens, amidst the huge balls of fire and ash swirling contributing to the PSI index, are the auctions. Yes, every Chinese festival builds itself around a coupla core values, namely, to usher in good luck, appease the gods and ancestors and to do a part for community.

Thus, auctions come about. Together with 8-10 course dinners depending on the budget and size and VIP of the function. And loads of liquor and beer. If you were aching for a Martell freeflow, cough up around $300 for a table of 10 and go wild. Tuck in. In regular intervals even. Once the first course starts, the subsequent courses arrive every 15 mins.

The items that come up for auctions are probably the most varied of any auction you might have witnessed before. Mainstay items are Laughing Buddha statues, Buddha statues, God of Fortune statues, Urns and other items of good fortune and well wishes. Fengshui like items like toads and cockerels you can also acquire. Then there is the jewellery. Mostly gold chains and pendants bearing auspicious Chinese characters. Also, collector's item liquor bottles. There are the mainstream 750 ml ones of premium liquor or the massive 3 litre ones too. Rounding it all up, is consumer goods. Could be a bag of rice, a bicycle, a microwave, a TV, you think it, they've probably sold it.

And the proceeds from these auctions go to charity. If you didn't know that already well now you do. More importantly, bids for even small items can run to the thousands of dollars by budding philanthropists or finger wagging happy folks high on Martell. But all is not lost, cos you get the item on the day itself, yet you only have to fork out the cash before the next year's auction. That's one year to pay up. Pretty good, interest free deal actually.

If you hear the auctioneer and don't know what the hell he's talking about. Then it means your Hokkien is not up to scratch. So, learn just the numbers and you're probably good to go.

One - Yoh
Two -Di
Three - Sa
Four - See
Five - Gor
Six - Lak
Seven - Chik
Eight - Pui
Nine - Kao
Ten - Chup
Hundred - Pah [not to be confused with the word for "fight" which is "pak"]
One Hundred - Chi Pah
Two Hundred - Neng Pah
One Thousand - Chi Cheng

Got it? And when bidding is in progress, take note that the amount you bid must be auspicious sounding and as lucky as possible. I.e. No one ever bids $100 but instead calls out $108.

I personally have been very involved in Hungry Ghost proceedings cos well, how not to? The place I live in is so entwined that its not rare to see Indians belting out Chinese hits during "getai" performances and Chinese servers at Indian functions. Not to mention our Malay pals who also end up sitting at the 10 course dinners, cept giving all the pork dishes a miss.

Alas, in this 7 years I've been attending auctions, I've never really bought anything. More of a viewer than an actioneer I am. The inspiration for this post was actually cos of a friend of mine who had NO idea that auctions actually took place. It's quite atrocious actually. Cos, the next one might be just at the massive carpark next to your house or the open field.

So, the next time you hear some emcee go Li Li Pui Pui, you know some mofo has just bought something for $2288 and is hoping to enjoy that same amount of luck for the next year at the very least.

Adieu!

Word Play

I'm gonna steal this off an e-mail from NAL. So Da Vinci Code-ish.

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. Basically the original word is re arranged to get the second line.

DORMITORY:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
IS NO AMITY [peaceful relations, friendship]

ELECTION RESULTS:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
WOMAN HITLER

Birthday List has updated. Again! This time a kind soul, wants to provide me with an "education" instead of "aesthetics". And I'm very grateful for the thought.

Adieu!

Outgoing Cut

Don't say I no say earlier. But, every year three time this happens to me. My outgoing cut. Any smses will NOT be replied. Then, don't complain I sombong or I bisu. Gottit?

I'll reconnect when I feel like it. To all Good Samaritans' suggestions of switching to a Hi Card. I aint that low crass yet. :P

And another birthday item has been "chope"d off the list. I is glad. Though I'm running a 38 degree fever, throat is sore till even water hurts, and it seems like a caterpillar has stuffed itself up my nostrils preventing me from breathing.

Adieu!

Post Secret 10

Since, I'm up and awake anyway. I went down to PostSecret looking for sad stories. This time around I've decided. Some of these folks are real fools. What you send in is not even a legitimate, bones in the closet secret. These are some of them I am highly peeved with:

First Psycho Girlfriend everyone needs to run far far away from.

Second Psycho Girlfriend.

What you need sweetheart is to collect ur pee in a nice plastic bag and fling it at him when he comes to get the morning papers. Or you could always toilet roll the trees and the house. Not provide free fertilizer for already great looking carpet grass.

Right, so you used them in your Gardening Society activities?

Morning Wistfulness

I sit down here penning this. Check the time later, and you'll realize why I'm not supposed to be here penning this. RT has just complained of not being able to sleep cos it's her first REAL day at school. Good excuse sweetie. You was having the same dreams of Playboy Mansion like me right. If anyone lays claim to the true insomniac way. It's me.

It has been a rough few days. That one final burst I wanted to have before sem starts proper, read: massive drunken binge, didn't turn out that good after all I think. My cash is cleaned out. I took 2 solid days to let the alcohol purge out of my system. On the 2nd day, I still had to endure some utterly, disgusting, excuses for beauty pageant contestants parading themselves on my humble TV screen. Take note, all 3 TVs in my flat were switched on to the same exact channel. Listening to Rafi call one of them a "Fatty". Not in so few words, but yeah, the idea is there.

Should he have done so? Could he not have gone the Najip way of going "I have this picture of Miss Vasantham in my mind, and you are not the girl I'm thinking of". To be risque and blatant and controversial is one thing. But, I think you should leave it to the queens of sardonic wit like Kumar to handle such personas. Rafi, just a man with slightly dyed hair. No self respecting KLK wears shades indoors doofus!

Carrying on, insomnia. I think I'm nervous bout school too. And it's not even my first day proper. Ok, it should have been sometime last week. But since, my 'magic' fingers got to work at re-assembling my timetable a la mahjong tile-like, my timetable has since changed from Tues-Thurs to Wed-Fri. So, actually I'm going into school to do nothing but hand in some official admin stuff, go quarrel about a lost cheque, ask why I should pay my school fees in Jan when I still got till December to rightfully lay claim to my results.

Yes, in NTU, the stand is, if you don't pay your fees in full, they don't let you check your exam results. If you are one of the cockanathans who believed this crap they pulled, don't. As, I said before. It's MY school. Take a leaf from the pro. Check your degree audit instead, the results are auto reflected there. Unless you need some tabulated colourful gridded screen to tell you you're a failure case.

See, I don't get this school. They have rules and then they have the shortcuts and loopholes to break those same rules on the same webpage! Like why? Treasure hunt? Another irritating time I'm gonna have is dealing with the freshies. Lemme clear the air once and for all. If you're a freshman, and you're not ME, then don't walk around acting like you own the place unless you truly have some weight behind you. And I don't mean the spare Pirelli tires you thought you'd tag on to your ass just cos you felt like it.

See, don't take up space meant for other deserving humans in the canteens (during lunch) and in the libraries (all the time). You are in the motherfuckin 1st year, you don't NEED the library. What you need is to stay out of school till people can actually be desensitized to seeing your sorry ass mofo faces around.

You've been through Primary School and poured scorn on the P1s haven't you? Been to secondary school and witnessed how the Sec 1 kids are put through some sorry ass obstacle course called orientation? Nothing changed in JC/Poly. Youse was shamed as usual. So what the fuck made you think, suddenly varsity is a "whole new world" to "broaden your horizons". You are still the scum of the earth and I'd greatly appreciate it if you behaved that way.

I think the problem mainly stems from the new girls who come in. See, times have changed so fast that suddenly barely 18 year old girls are hooking up with 22 year old boys brimming with testosterone (do I really give a fuck if I spelled that right?). And what these boys do, is give them some guided tour of the institution they school in, attempting to impress (i think). So, what happens in the end is these same chicas, stroll into school carrying their Sunday picnic basket excuses for school bags and make their claim to fame.

If there's only one piece of advice I can give you, young women. Dress appropriately. IF you're from a JC, go tag a Poly chick for a bit. They have 3 years worth of experience. They'd be able to show you what to wear on lab days, what to wear on nothingness days, what to wear on quiz days and what to wear when you got a hot date after school days. As a matter of fact, do that yeah. Go learn. Don't scare me during my mutton briyani with dreadful makeup and low slung hipsters. It's just uncool.

And all you blokes, who just "happened" to be "on" enough to attend Freshmen Orientation Camps with your Halls, do note that although you sleep in those berms, we really don't expect ya to wear them to the classrooms. There is something we love to do to boys who look like they sauntered into school in their pyjamas. Wanna try? Gimme a call. We can even film it and YouTube it so your 15 min of morning fame at least lasts the mandatory 15 days, internationally.

Am I done? Nope. I still haven't even got to the reason for my insomnia. There are two actually. First, my first dream totally freaked me out. Cos, it was just freaky. The setting was this. I was at some seminar or conference like thing. There was a podium and I was behind it. The audience was a group of aunty aunty people, all Indian, middle aged and in saris and decked in their full glory of gold. And then I started my speech:

Today I'd like to talk to you about drugs. If there's one thing I hate in this world, it's drug users and abusers and the next thing I hate and I'd like them all to die, are the drug pushers and traffickers.

Drugs are bad for you. Listen to me. I speak the truth.

Nothing that fucks up your brain, changes your bodily functions and bring you to a world you don't live in can ever be good for you. And you should let all your kids know that.

I'll be honest with you. I've tried every goddamn thing from E to X to Upjohn to Ice to "chasing the white dragon" to injections to plain weed. I've even been on the wrong business at the wrong time at the wrong place involving this sin-inducing products when I was very young. But it only took one incident to set me straight.

In all the years I've been drinking, sometimes more than necessary, I've never had such a mind lapse where I wake up in the morning and have no idea what happened the night before. Or, not know which places I had been to, who I'd seen and how I got back home. Of course in the course of a hangover, sometimes you forget such material facts, but when your memory gets jogged, you do remember it. Till that one night, where after some weed with a coupla underaged international school punks, I woke up the next day without even realizing what had transpired. What really did happen as told to me by a good pal who was there with me all the way, is so embarassing I'd never say it out loud.

You might think, you, standing in front of me, a lifetime smoker and drinker, dare preach to us about drugs. What gives you the right?

I say to you this: Have a think about it. I own 2 vices, yes, but the thing with drugs is it's never used by and never sold by "good" people. Take your local Econ minimart for instance, that uncle sells Marlboros and Tigers, but would you call him a "bad" man? No, even the government licenses him to sell it to other human beings.

Is the government ever wrong? I think more than asking yourself if I know what I'm talking about, you should ask yourself if the people you voted for know what they're talkin about.

So, I'd like to end here by telling you guys this again. Drugs are nasty nasty stuff. And we should all pull together to eradicate it from society once and for all.

Thank you.

Cheesy I know. A bit weird also coming from a sub conscious dreamy me. But, I swear it all happened. I am extremely shocked I even remembered this speech. Now go over it, read from the start, and like in my dream, imagine I'm talkin in Tamil.

You sure you wanna hear the second dream? Do I care?

So, I go have a smoke and come back and think to myself. Damn, what the fuck just happened. Is it something is ruffling my soul and conscience and it concerns drugs. Hmmm. A sign maybe. Sekali I have some friend who has a drug abuse problem and now I gotta go and CID and find out.

Then, since I still needed to get to sleep. Out of nowhere, I thought to myself. Ok let's meditate. It's never a bad time to show devotion. Especially when I am not in a hurry to do anything else now. So, I hold an image of a deity I like. And I concentrate on holding that image in my head. Suddenly, it's like that image goes translucent and I can see what's going on behind that image. There's nothing much going on but there was a woman there.

I know this woman. I know her name, I know her face, I know her body. And she's down on all fours, in a coffeetable position, naked. And calling out to me. So, what did I do?

I nimbly stepped aside to leave the image I was thinking of behind me and walked towards her. Took out a knife. Repeatedly stabbed her neck. It seemed like a good spot to stab cos she was down in all fours anyway. And everytime I stabbed enough for her neck to drop off, it just recoiled back! Like friggin Medusa!

So, I continued stabbing and attempting to behead her all the way screaming "Fuck you bitch, Leave me alone bitch, Can't you see I'm doing something very important here!" No reaction. I'm finally left in a pool of blood. And it rises to my knees. Now I scared already. Sekali it engulfs me and I die of drowning in that woman's blood how. So, I turn around and I flee. I run and I run and I wake up.

Now, you tell me. What do I make out of this tale?