Liverpool vs Singapore

VS

Liverpool vs Singapore. It was a good game of football I must admit. We watched it while our 2nd round of MJ started on a grainy CH 5 feed because the antenna must have been fried by El Nino lightning tendencies. Add to that, that I actually bought 5 goals at the Pools on a whim and made some dough.

But was it really a success for Singapore as a whole? True, that big ass teams [namely English clubs] like to tour Asia to cement their fan base. A fan base which buys jerseys, memorabilia and contributes viewership to the soccer channels so that Starhub has an excuse to raise the subscription for them.

There was a sizable crowd indeed. 45,000 was it? 45,000 of my countrymen turned up to see Liverpool's 11 square off with homegrown talent [some store bought from other countries of course. we call these blokes OTS (off the shelf)]. There were supporters of other English clubs there too. In the grandstand, there was a clear mix of Tottenham Hotspurs, Everton [arch nemesis across the Merseyside] and Manchester United jersey clad people littering the predominantly Liverpool oriented crowds.

Now step back. Who are Liverpool? They are a club. Just like Geylang United, Balestier Khalsa and SAFFC. Who is the Singapore national team? They are a bunch of naturalized Singaporeans who are donning our nation's colours attempting to garner some kinda pride amidst all the prejudice. Classic David vs Goliath. But miracles happen in the most unlikely of places. It wasn't our team's night anyhow.

You love your club. Understandable. Very understandable. But isn't it embarassing when you can put club before country? I am a Chelsea man. I've been since I was young and not only since the infusion of some tasty Russian caviar and ice cold vodka plus cold hard cash. Yet, if Chelsea FC were to come to Singapore for a pre-season exhibition game. I will not throng the banks of Boat Quay attempting to steal a glimpse. I will not go to the airport to welcome the blokes to our fair shores. I will not stalk their hotel attempting to steal even a piece of soiled undies for a collection. What I will do is attend the game. Because it is a rare event and that is my only consideration.

And if Chelsea were to thrash Singapore. It would be nothing more to me than a clash of 2 sporting teams with the better one garnering the better score line. Let me take you back to 2001. Manchester United visits Singapore and hands us a 8-1 clubbing. I was a fan of good football that night. But my proudest moment was still when Indra Sahdan sidestepped Jap Staam, and drilled the size 5 through the legs of a complacent Rai Van der Gouw. Talking about pulling on heartstrings, this was more than that. This is the stuff that nationalistic pride is made off.

Back to the present. If any of the Singapore team were to switch a move, talentedly wrongfoot or nutmeg a Chelsea player, I'd be one of the first outa my seat screaming "YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Take that EPL!". Because it is Singapore. Nuff said.

So, this is my suggestion for etiquette when all other teams big and small visit the little red dot for a footy match:

1. Wear the jersey of the club you support [this I think is universal], but don't forget who your club is attempting to embarass. IT's your fuckin countrymen.

2. If you are at the game and you are not a supporter of the EPL club, don't wear a jersey of some other EPL club. What are you trying to prove? Turn up in red. Or better still, go hunt down some Malaysia Cup/League vintage Lions jersey and turn up. Cheer your country on, because it is the logical choice between the 2 teams.

3. To all those fools who verbally abused, booed, jeered at and violently attacked people who were wearing a Manchester United jersey on that night, go fuck yourselves. You are hammering your own countrymen over some misplaced life and death allegiance to an English football club who couldn't care less actually who dies for their cause; as long their jerseys get sold in bulk volume.

The moral of the story: Stick up your hands for your country. Those with no pride are no better than carcasses out on the desert plain, doncha think?

Booyakasha!

And then there were some

And then there were some, who still in their little isolated sphere fail to realize the true intent and extent of this man-created invention called the Internet. At first it was just 4 computers on a local network and then now it has pervaded through even the remotest mangrove swamp in West Africa.


Cutting to the chase. Why join a social networking site? Do we really need to break it down into the social, economic and political aspects of it all, a la a GP essay technique long forgotten [when you quit school, anything to do with academics is quickly forgotten]. You want to be seen. You want to see. Then why get touchy on the privacy? Aren't there settings for these sorta stuff already? Have you not been reading the papers, or is this some sort of dumb arse "i am bigger than the world" delusion?


Basically, in my humble opinion [and I am not a proponent of humble pie either], the moment you even have/feign interest at a social networking site, the moment you start uploading photos, photoshopping your profile pictures to satisfy the inbuilt desire to be want to be attractive, the moment you are active; EXPECT the fuckin attention to be accorded. And if this logic still doesn't hit you like a dick slap, I bring you further into the immature networking zone.

In Friendster, there were "smiles" and then during the Valentine's period they experimented with "roses" and then fell back to smiling again. In FB, obviously, you poke the hell outa someone to get their attention. And so on and so forth. Every social networking site reserves a function for either the shy ones who can't work up the courage or intellect to pen out some crafty witty little 3 liner to bait the fish, or for those who couldn't be bothered with trying too hard [me].


How easy it is to just "poke" and move along? The work only starts when the "poked" start responding. Then the "poker" becomes the "poked" and we can all hum Gaga's Poker Face till kingdom come. And yet, maturity challenged individuals when faced with a passive gesture like a "poke" will still go out on all investigative mode. Perhaps following these steps [I wouldn't know, I don't do it]:

1. Look at photo of "poker" [proceed if not hairy backed balding Godzilla]

2. See who mutual friends are [proceed if mutual friends are fairly still friendly OR mutual]

3. Ask mutual friends who the fuck this person is [proceed due to innate desire to conquer the unknown]

4. Curl up further into the womb thinking no one should have a god given right to poke anyone they choose because you should only attempt to contact someone you actually know in a social networking site, thus making creators of social networking sites roll in their Armani bedspreads thinking how some have got it so wrong.

And then there were some........

Swift

I felt this need to write because well it dawned on me that no one actually needs a reason to write. We scribble to-do lists onto small scraps on paper, we doodle in classes where the teacher is clueless that we're doodling [cos a teacher who actually has a clue would be curve balling his duster in the old days towards our young young brains] and we just write whenever we feel like it.

There is no reason for the written word. There is no overwhelming guilt trip on needing to prove you're a wordsmith day in day out. The exception being when you're actually paid for writing what you write.

I need to write. To save my soul, I feel. I've begun on an ambitious endeavour. Just like numerous males, females, celebrities and paupers before me. I think someone needs to hear a story. Any story, as long as I am the one telling it.

Today is an ominous day. I am finally back where I was before. The tundra where I was wandering has met it's Palin. So, I need to kill some moose. I know you don't get it. You never should. Lest I be regarded as a lesser being for giving you even a miniscule percentage of hope that you are finally there; knowing who I am.

Like the greatest white rapper of black themes who is still living [as opposed to ever lived]: I am whatever I say I am.

Haiku time:

How swift,
My sword.

Biblical Ganja

• Genesis 1:11 "And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so."
• Genesis 1:29 "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb-bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat."
• Genesis 3:18 "... thou shalt eat the herb of the field."
• Proverbs 15:17 "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith."[2]
• Psalms 104:14 "He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man."

And hence, all of us should be able to legally smoke the ganja. As legal as it is to read the Bible.

Booyakasha.

My Brown Badge dot com

Only a truly zany mind and loads of photoshop skills (i wish i had 'em) can come up with this new development. Reminiscing about Fight Club the whole of this week, it seems too coincidental to be true. A fanbase for the true Project Mayhem.

Follow the SITE for more updates. Or pre-order now. As usual, join the FB group and get updated as and when.

Bar Jokes to Memorize

I read the T-shirt Hell newsletter helluvalot. And god forbid someone gives me free gift certificates to go berzerk like the Columbine boys.

Have a go at this month's extract.

If you've been reading this newsletter regularly for far too long, you may remember a collection of light bulb jokes I did a while back. The reaction was overwhelmingly nonexistent. And since I take indifference as a form of praise, I decided to wait nearly a year to pique interest and try it again.

This time I went with "__ walks into a bar" jokes. It's a proven formula that has delighted drunk assholes and racists for decades - the perfect antidote to today's hip/ironic humor, which consists mainly of unshaven stoners talking about Q-Bert. Feel free to memorize these and share them with your friends. They're sure to make you the awkward silence of the party.

A retard walks into a bar. I guess you had to be there.

President Obama walks into a bar. Everyone applauds. He sits on a stool. Everyone applauds. He orders a beer. Everyone applauds. He says "Shut the fuck up, you sheep! None of this matters!" Everyone applauds. Then he rips off his face and reveals that the president has been nothing but a cyborg who changes his mask every few years ever since Kennedy died. The bar patrons realize freedom of choice has been nothing but an illusion their entire lives. They're fine with that and decide to vote for an Asian mask in 2012.

A hipster walks into a bar. He orders a beer ironically. He tells the bartender his troubles ironically. He picks up a cute girl ironically and goes home and fucks her ironically. The next day he wonders if he ever does anything he genuinely enjoys. Then he blows out his brains. Ironically.

Miley Cyrus walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face? Oh, I'm sorry - Did I say long face? I meant 'face that looks like a retarded girl suffering from a peanut allergy'."

A conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says "You can have a beer in a blue glass or a red glass. They're exactly the same, but you fucking idiots will swear one is better than the other. What, the world doesn't put you into a box often enough; you have to willingly put yourself in a box too? Damn it! Why do I keep serving symbolism!"

A fat guy walks into a bar. Again, I guess you had to be there.

A Mexican walks into a bar. He gets himself and his cousins hired on as bartenders, putting the other bartenders out of work. Then his wife has like nine kids in the bar. Goddamn it... This used to be a really nice bar.

A black guy walks into a bar. Every other person in the bar stops saying that thing they were about to say.

A gay guy walks into a regular bar. For the first time in ten years he enjoys a beer because he isn't surrounded by obnoxious queens or religious fanatics handing out pamphlets. He thinks 'If I didn't have to fuck vaginas, I could totally be straight.'

A homeless guy walks into a bar. He starts telling everyone secrets about the government right before people start making him dance for quarters. Everyone in the room has lost a little bit of their humanity this night. Then the homeless guy starts eating the shrimp people are throwing in his beard. Homeless people are funny.

Six million really old Jews walk into a bar and one of them says "We went hiking and got lost for a really long time. I hope no one jumped to any crazy conclusions about us."

A Christian walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets down nothing. The Christian says "Where's my beer?" The bartender answers "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there." The Christian replies "You've made your point; give me my beer." The bartender shoots back "You have your beer. I don't care how much proof you show me to the contrary, I will always think there's a beer there." The Christian responds "I fucking get it! Just give me my beer so I can go home and beat my wife!"

A little boy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Catholic Priest. "Catholic Priest?" says the bartender. "What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the boy. "That's the drink I have to force down my throat and never tell my parents about." [rimshot here]

A Catholic priest walks into a bar and orders a Choir Boy. The bartender says "A Choir Boy? What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the priest, "that's the drink I force fingers into until it bleeds and cries. Get it? Because of the molestation thing? I can't believe we're still in business."

A Muslim walks into a bar and the whole place blows up before something funny can happen.

A guy in a wheelchair doesn't walk into a bar.

Again, visit them and sign up for their mailing list. They're one of my chief dark humour inspirations. Click HERE.

Overheard

Overheard in the pub:

"You are my brother bro! If you ever had both of your arms cut off, I'd help you scratch your balls when you itch!".


Max out.

200,000 Foreigners Laid Off

Something for the "NO FOREIGN TALENT" placard waving crowd to crow about?

Read THIS.

And then finally things are going the way of the impoverished middle class. But then again, you know the recommendations of the National Wage Council will get to us sooner or later. Note this keyword "Freeze".

Read THIS.

Wanna Go For a Drink

Courtesy of one of the better chain mails I've opened in recent times. From an unknown Thai beer I presume. But if anyone knows for sure, please let me know. Click on them to blow it up.

Top 50 Sendoff

What better way to send off the 43rd President of the United States of America than a Top 50 Bushism's sendoff? A celebration of all that the man stood for, spoke for and acted upon. A clear case study for when dyslexia merges with being an inherent retard.


And there is still 7 days to go and till the day he dies to update this list. God truly has a sense of humour.

50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." --at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." --Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

45. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 (Listen to audio clip)

44. "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

43. "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." --Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

42. "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." --as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

41. "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." --discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson in 2003, as quoted by Robertson

40. 3. "I think I was unprepared for war." –on the biggest regret of his presidency, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

39. "I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

38. "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video clip)

37. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." --Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

36. "Do you have blacks, too?" --to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

35. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." --as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

34. "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." --on "Good Morning America," Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina

33. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." --Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

32. "I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

31. "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

30. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." --Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

29. "This is an impressive crowd -- the haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite -- I call you my base." --at the 2000 Al Smith dinner

28. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

27. "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." --Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

26. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

25. "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

24. "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." --after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004

23. "You forgot Poland." --to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004

22. "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --in parting words to world leaders at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as those present looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

21. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." --State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

20. "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

19. "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

18. "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008

17. "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004

16. "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." --Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

15. "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." --to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004

14. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." --speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003

13. "We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories ... And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." --Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

12. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" --joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004 (Read more)

11. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

10. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

9. "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)

8. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." --Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

7. "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 (Read more; listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

6. "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." --Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip)

5. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

4. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video clip)

3. "You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

2. "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005 (Listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

1. "My answer is bring them on." --on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003

Source: http://politicalhumor.about.com

Tat Show Snippets

I shall unashamedly say that all the above pictures were stolen off Flickr. God bless the Internet. Where you can keep quality photo shots although you barely own a digital cam.

And don't you think that beauty up there looks like Amy Winehouse? Rehab is just around the corner.

Cremate the MP

Breaking News: Man sets fire on MP. Read all about it HERE.

And my favourite paragraph:

As for Mr Seng, this is not the first time he has been attacked.

He was assaulted by a disgruntled taxi driver in 2006.

At the risk of facing a defamation lawsuit, all I can do is be cruel and go, "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Millenium Prize

Wanna do something real fruitful this year? Try and solve one of the Millenium Prize Problems.

The good part? There's 1 million in the bag for you if you do and mathematicians will be queueing up to suck on your schlong. Also, expect endorsement deals, a book and movie conjoined deal and an immediate professorship at NUS/NTU.

The really good part? Sometimes, it's people totally unrelated to a certain field who eventually see something the rest of them never thought of.

Make a difference. Do some Math. Aint calculating how much 5 Big 5 Small gets you if you strike the 2nd Prize in today's draw getting boring for you?

Extinguish-year

When faced with 3 barely graduated from primary school ,bratty little kids spraying a combination of fake snow, foam and that white springy stuff that comes out of an aerosol can, what do you do?



You blast the chief instigator with a dollop of CO2 from the nearest fire extinguisher flush in the face, that's what.

And then you follow him into the washroom and attempt to "assist" him to "clean up" by spraying him from head to toe with the conveniently located "ass wash" pipe.

That kid had a great start to the new year, I can tell you that.

I'm just happy to have been a witness to the whole thing, inhaled CO2 charged air and lived to tell the tale.