Bastardized Illness

Why you shouldn't talk about your medical status over beer:

Someone: Hey, where you at?
AR: Bro, I on 2 week MC man.
Someone: How come man!
AR: Slipdisc.
Someone: Oh!

After the gossip had made the rounds round the tables.

Me: Eh, where's AR? Don't think he'd miss this party though?
Someone Else: You don't know ah, He 2 week MC.
Me: Oh how come?
Someone Else: Syphilis bro.
Me: SERIOUS boh?
Someone Else: See see he just walked in, haha. speak of the devil. by the way, do you think his crotch looks swollen?
Me: ...


The Annual Medical

We people in aviation have this need to clear an annual full medical. Even though, car accidents number 100 times more than aircraft crashes in any given year, we allow old fogeys to either hog the road / signal right and turn left / drive with their nose to the windshield because apparently they will always be medically fit to handle a 4 wheeler.

But, rules are rules and since mine was about to lapse, I did the unthinkable. Booked it on my off day. Me and my penchant for unrecorded OT.

All the stations were fine except when I got to the ENT doctor. After doing her usual checks and all, she does the mandatory, "Say ah......". So I do. What she commented on, gave me the answer to questions I've been fielding myself and invisible beings around me for years. The answer to why I don't chug down my beer instead preferring to civilly gulp it instead. And why, I can't wolf down food preferring instead to chew them with me molars before letting them pass. She went:

"Do you snore a lot?"
"No. why? Perhaps a little la, I've had people say"
"Your throat passage is quite small, very tight. When you sleep, I suggest you sleep on your side so that you don't end up snoring"
"Ah, but that's good news aint it?"
"No one can ever accuse me of deep throating and sucking off my boss. It would be physically impossible"
"Somehow I agree."
"Thanks Doc. You the bomb"
"I am?"
"Yeah, except you shouldn't paint your lips purple when you're wearing a purple power suit. Overkill."
"Point taken"

Small throats, large apples.

Just Me

This be the tribute to the man who has supplied me with quotes, laughter and general "big up" high 5s the whole week long.

When trying to chat up a girl he ALREADY knows for quite a while and eventually freaking the hell outa her:

"First we can be friends la, later we see how..."

When putting on a silicone cover for his camera phone, he manages to flip it the wrong side round, making the hole in the cover not aligned with the camera lens. This has been the case for a couple of months since he first got the cover. When finally corrected he goes:

"I always knew there was something wrong with it la..."

When the market ball handicap for Man U versus the Pool later tonight was only level, this die hard Liverpudlian places a bet with someone who actually knows his gambling:

"Ok la.. I'll take Liverpool and give you 1.5 balls."
"On. What's the bet?"
"1 carton of bourbon"

15 minutes later after getting the expert advice of people who DO know their gambling, he goes back to bettor in question:

"We'll double confirm this 15 mins before the game starts"
"No way."



Join Media Cock

I know a lot of you aspire to act. Perhaps just a temp pass into Caldecott Hill would suffice so you can go steal Dawn Yeoh's undies. But don't say I don't have the good stuff for you. Go for the casting call.

Click HERE.


Air Force Open House 08

It all culminated with a huge piss up [not full participation due to high levels of fatigue] and me heading out to catch the Liverpool Game [they drew with Villa] with a new found friend.

The Open House [henceforth referred to as OH] was 4 days straight for us. 2 internal and 2 external. It was horrid in terms of working on weekends and psycho-ing ourselves that it was just another weekday.

But I love carnivals. Heck, I could live in a carnival all year round just walking the fairgrounds, playing the rides, collecting souvenirs and acting tour guide to the noobs. Unfortunately, no nation in the world can support a year round carnival. Even Brazil. Even Ibiza.

Some snapshots from OH, stolen off Flickr. I stole so many I just didn't have the time to like note down the owners. To youse, you have my sincere apologies. But what is the Internet, but a legal way to commit petty intellectual theft now and then? These are all glamour shots taken with probably high end DSLRs. Talkin about pictures, it's such a bitch taking photos with other people's cameras. Takes ages to come to you, they put it up in FB and it becomes THEIR album and you're just a spectatorial "tag". The demerits are endless. So, if you have an old digital camera you wanna garage sale off, it's my birthday this weekend; you'd better just donate it to me. All nicely gift wrapped with a card saying how much you love me of course.

Foreign workers having a blast.

Even they have a camera. Nabei I don't have. However, we were expecting throngs of our foreign nationals on Sunday but the response was subdued.

Little Miss Photographer. She hot.

The final segment of the air show.

First F16 breaking formation to come in to land. Overall, to us who work with these blokes day in day out, the airshow wasn't something so exciting. But you know the general public.. who think "work in airforce ah? pilot ah?". Yeah, these people got some of their grey matter rumbled out of position with the loud exhaust and jet fuel induced "high", so they definitely went "ooooooh and aaaaaaaah".

There were joyrides and all.

C130, Chinook, Fokker 50 and Piper Warrior. This be the estate of Punggol taken from the back of a C130 by a joyrider. Some of my blokes got the chance to ride it too. I politely declined. I've got two 6 hour flights on this mean machine comin up this month. Not something to relish. Always fly commercial. They got bloody stewardesses for starters!

The monsoon, or whatever bastardized El Nino or La Nina wreaked havoc all 4 days. Rain was so passe once you had spent more than an hour out there. Dark clouds coming up to wolf the sun down over here.

The boy needs a haircut.

Shades are mandatory. As I explained to a dude who recently joined our ranks: "The difference between the air force and anybody else is that we not only strive to do a good job like all of them, we have this inherent need to look good while doing it".

Why do I type with so much text in italicized brackets? That's cos I always have something to say, and half way thru typing I still want to interject myself and say something more. Character trait. Deal with it.


The Birthday Clock - 4 Days

It is 4 days to my birthday. As I masquerade as an unloved child, lots of presents are appreciated. Do contact me for the appropriate mailing address, my waist/chest/bum/shoe sizes or POSB bank account numbers so you can do the necessary and spread the pre-recession cheers around.

Believe it or not, cake's from Angie The Choice.

Again, BUY ME PRESENT! I WANT! 6th September. Put it in your mobile's calendar and sync it with your PC lest technology makes you forget.

If you're on FB, you ought to click this: THIS.

Define Political Party

I got an interesting story for you. The WP is considered a political party. PAP is not. East Coast Park is supposedly a public place. But West Coast Park isn't.

I'm not wrong. I have proof.

Taken from the MHA website regarding "Oral Answer to Parliamentary Question on the reasons for the rejection of a police permit to hold the Workers’ Party 50th Anniversary Cycling Event on 9 September 2007 at the East Coast Park".

We have Ho Peng Kee spewing:

Mr Speaker Sir, the reason why political parties are not allowed to organise outdoor activities has been explained in Parliament before.

Police does not allow political parties to organise outdoor gatherings because such activities have the potential for public disorder and mischief, and may disrupt community life. Police's requirement is that such party activities be held indoors or within stadiums, so that any law and order problems would be contained. This policy applies to all political parties.

The Workers’ Party had applied to the Police to organise a mass cycling event to celebrate the party’s 50th anniversary at the East Coast Park. The East Coast Park is a recreational park for Singaporeans and their families. It is not meant to be used by a political party to promote its cause. Apart from displacing the usual recreational users of East Coast Park, it is an open area where there is greater potential for a breach of the peace, public disorder and unruly behaviour. As I have explained, Police takes a more cautious approach towards outdoor activities organized by political parties. In line with this approach, Police rejected Workers’ Party’s application.

The Workers’ Party may wish to consider organising its celebrations at an indoor venue or in a sports stadium.

Did you happen to catch the front page of LHL on his bicycle pegged with 2 national flags with the headline: "PAP Carnival at West Coast Park"? Sylvia, I think it's time you raised this up in the next parliament sitting. Unless somewhere along the way, ST's editors decided printing "PAP" or "Gahmen" can be interchangeable since they are one and the same.

We learn new things everyday.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others - Squealer

Now all you PAPis sing along while riding pillion on your modded out white washed BMXes:

PAPi PAPi, PAP chulo!
PAPi, PAPi, PAPi veng a mi!

But Nicole Scherzinger went one better on Daddy Yankee's track with:

You are the king of my heart
And that was just
So don't you ever go far
PAP-i Lover
There is no other like you
No other lover than you
So doesn't mean what you do
PAP-i Lover

Buena Suerte.

Postscript: Much thanks to The Online Citizen and The Singapore Daily for picking this up from me.


Outram Commando

You gotta love Stomp because of classics like this one. Say hello or better still, salute and then knock it down 20 for him when you come across this wannabe at Outram MRT station.

Baris Sediaaa!

Kiss Me Fuck Me

You know those chicks, the ones who THINK they're hard to get, and project it so. And then, in the process of knowing them, they often come up with big time requests for favours. Thing is, someone must have brought them aside in Pri 3 behind the tuckshop to instruct them exactly how to ask for something, someone doesn't have or doesn't have the authority to pull off without breaking a few million laws and legal statutes along the way.

Like asking a pauper for a diamond ring. Or asking a cop to NOT write a ticket and switching on his siren while giving you a lift from Palais Renaissance down to The Excelsior. You get what I mean.

When asked by one of these women for a potentially career killing favour:

She: How about it? Off the record?
Me: Usually I like to get kissed before I get fucked.