Primary Wankjobs

Today out of nowhere, I suddenly had this memory rush back to Primary 2. I was only 8 years old then, probably sitting for my 3rd school examination of my life, the Mid Years. Already, since we continued in the same class as in Primary 1, we all knew who the smart blokes were and who the stragglers were.

My mum had always this huge thing about me HAVING to top the class. There was no two ways about it. It HAD to happen. I guess she had a lot of trust not so much in my talents or grey matter, but in the cane and assessment books. There was only one other boy in my class, who could kinda knock me off the top spot and my mum as the same as his mum was dead serious about their child topping the class. Topping the class of 2A, is a given topping of the standard. So it was a kill 2 birds with one stone theory.

So, we wrote the exams and all that. And when the results got out, he had scored a perfect 300 in the 3 exams we sat for. English, Maths, Mother Tongue. I on the other hand had a close 299. This because in one of those "I give you the picture, you write the word" thingies, I wrote the word "frog". Well, since I like things cramped and confined [yum..] , my "o" and "g" were so close the teacher insisted that my "o" was actually an "a".

Obviously the merits of cursive handwriting were lost on this woman. So, I lost out by a single mark. It was a highly pissing off moment and from that day on, my mum never let me forget it too, till I topped the school in the PSLE of course. That kinda shut her mouth up about all my primary school antics and near suspensions/expulsions. The poor boy however, after that one mid-year exams, was never ever known by his real name in my house although I knew even his younger brother's and even dad's name very well, surname and all. To my mum, he was just "300". Yes, for the next 4 years, it was always "How did 300 do?" or "What marks did 300 get?".

I had another run-in with Mr. 300 in Primary 6. See, there was 2 ways to top the school. One was to just be the highest mark in the PSLE. Another was the more internal, highest marks in the Prelims which will set the stage for grandeur. So, some dickhead said that for the first time Social Studies scores will be calculated into the marks for the prelims and these are the marks that get printed in the report book, so if you weren't strong in knowing how many MRT stations were underground / above ground, you should get down to it now.

We had a Social Studies project to do. The usual shit. Back then, although I did own a computer, back in MS DOS times, projects were kinda always hand written or hand drawn. So, there I did my nice project on South East Asian countries, taking time and effort to hand write the statistics, and steal pages from the National Library so I could cut them and paste it into the Scrap Book I was working on. If you remember, all scrap books back then had the words "Scrap Book" printed on them. Using any other kind is academic suicide.

But, though all of us in the class did it this way. Some of course, prettier than the others, the scrap book turned out. Mr. 300 simply put in his MS Encarta CD and printed wholesale ALL the information on every Asian country, stapled it together, bound it and handed it in. He got a whopping 95% for his project because my teacher insisted that anything done on a computer had to be solid stuff as compared to hand written stuff. That bozo of course, was not digitally qualified. He didn't know of course, the meaning of the term "Print All Selected". Bastard! Now I was royally pissed.

Now it was race down to the last paper. Science. I had a horrid record in Science, garnering just 76% for my Primary 5 Mid Years. Since then, I had got whacked by belt, cane, any available furniture; to get my grades back up in the >95 level. After the marks for English, Math, Mother Tongue and Social Studies was released we were actually tied. So, now it all depended on Science. We waited and waited but the fuckin teacher took soo long to mark it that both of us nearly peed in our pants in utter suspense. And then, the marks came out and I had beat this mofo by a good solid 5 marks. You might think now that 5 marks was no biggie. But trust me, when you always ply your trade between 95 and 100. 5 marks is a make or break margin.

Ah, I still remember all these like it happened yesterday. Alas, what did happen yesterday was that I imbibed enough alcohol to last me till today. Still, I managed to get the necessary done and I'm glad of that. Damn, I'm good.

Since we are on the topic of primary schools and all, I have with the aid of others who were online just now compiled a list of the Public Enemies No. 1 back when we were 7-12 years of age:

1. Chinese boys who READ the dictionary

I have no idea who taught them this. The ones who I asked told me, it will improve their English cos they learn new words all the time. "300" used to do this all the time.
2. People who say "i don know anything" and then come up tops

I am not such a person and these people really irk me to the core. If you know, then say la. If you're gonna ace it, say la. KNNBCCB. To think it happens all the way to university even. And the bastardos in uni will not only say they don't know but won't even help teach you stuff they do know. Right Vik?

3. The ones who steal your Bookworm Club books.

I know your mummy don't give you money to buy books. It's not my fault she didn't see the value of words printed on pages. I however, would like my books to remain MINE. To that bitch who stole mine and then said I stole hers and made me have to prove it by bringing form teacher, mother to the book fair uncle: FUCK U UNDERSTAND!

4. The assholes who always have more money to spend than u at the book fair

Don't we all know this feeling. Not only at the book fair. At the canteen, at Toys R Us, at the bookshop across the school. Farkers.

5. The little cunts that pao toh you

I never understood the need for someone to sabo another especially when we're all of the same level and you damn well know I'm a bit too smart to fry for it. To that bitch in Pri 6 who told on me, when I let my fountain pen look-a-like squirt all over my form teacher's checkered shirt of the same colour: FUCK U UNDERSTAND, BURN IN HELL AND UR GRANDPOPS CAN'T CUT HAIR FOR NUTS, ASK HIM CLOSE HIS BARBERSHOP!
6. The Chinese teachers

The Chinese teachers in Pri School were by far the most hated subject teachers. Partly because they were so anal about "kai zhen" aka corrections. And the thing was you had to do it in a different pen. Most preferred colour was green in my school. Upon checking with students from other schools, it actually looked like an MOE effort to standardize all corrections to be done in green. What a colour man. I tell you, the only ones who ever gained from the education system are not the teachers, not the principals, especially not the students, but the bookshops.


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Lobang Hunter

Did you know that the famous Tammy NYP also runs her own blog and she's STILL fighting with her detractors. Alas, she doesn't have a tagboard, so her "fans" actually tag on her friend's ones and she responds to their tags on her posts in her own blog. Very confusing?

Shown to me [Credit: Kala], we reviewed her entries around the time the scandal broke out. It is quite obvious she deserved what came henceforth, cos of her whack job monologues. She even got her own Wikipedia entry, click HERE to go there. To get to her blog, click HERE.

I think posting this next bit of information is the quickest way to get the info across.

Temporary Support Staff (TSS) for MOE

If you have at least GCE N-levels, join them as a TSS. Duties include conduct of examinations, accounting of scripts, admin activities, data entry, logistical support. Contact SEAB_Contact-Us_Operations@seab.gov.sg

Commencing 19 Oct > (Thu) from 8am to 5pm.
About $45/day or $5.60/hr. Workplace is at Tiong Bahru area. Include in your email:
1) Full Name
3) Gender
4) Qualification
5) Availability period:

Another quality lobang from the man. Praba go get this done, pronto!

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Foreign Talent

I got this out of a mailer thrown at my gate. Yes thrown. These days pamphlet distributors don't have the decent courtesy to pass something to you personally. They might see you and the door might be open, but their one focus is shove it beyond the gate and get the hell to the next level. Even my newspaper guy, gives it to you in the hand if you're in the vicinity instead of dumping it at the gate.

So, it came from an aircon servicing firm who pride themselves on their well-qualified technicians. Well-qualified, I figure is that they have some technical knowledge and are certified on the inner workings of the air conditioning and cooling units. But they go one better. "We do not engage foreign workers". Yes, you don't. What could that mean though?

We all know that there is a drive to ENGAGE foreign talent to come set up home on our shores, partly due to the fact that the jobs they would work in, we couldn't fathom ourselves in. Also, due to the fact that we are not producing enough babies to offset the aging population problem. As older workers retire and leave the workforce, there are not enough younger ones to numerically take their place. To curb this inefficiency, we need foreigners. Fair enough.

I buy into this argument. The gahmen obviously is talking about "skilled" foreign workers, oops talent. Once you have a skill you are called talent. You don't work. Everyday you go in and just showcase your talent for shock and awe. So, the labourers are all "unskilled". I.e. Bricklaying, construction, air con repair, sweeping all doesn't really take much skills or talent.

But, these blokes probably added in to their flyers the offending sentence because perhaps, we as consumers would rather prefer a local working on our pride of a home rather than a foreigner. Are we that narrow that we don't recognize that the bottomline is the job gets done and with quality? If that's the case, then how do you hand over the keys to your Ferrari and Audi to the valet who is most probably not local going by what I've seen in the larger hotels here.

Also, by stating "our techs have technical certs and tons of field experience" and then letting go that sentence, aren't you simply brushing off ALL foreigners to be ignorant buffoons who happen to just have a penchant of taking pliers and a screwdriver and tinkering with ur cooling machine?

I think the main gist of what I'm getting at is that we are ready to categorize foreigners here very easily. We call them "expatriates" if they're living next to us and if we actually do know the meaning of the word. We call them "foreign talent" when it's some gahmen related activity or function so that everyone knows they is talented, we is not. And we call them "foreign workers" when we want to refer to every Indian / Bangladesh / Thai / Indonesian / Vietnamese / Chinese worker who so happens to be gainfully employed in a profession we would rather not be in. I'll place the definitions right below so you can derive your own conclusions.

Perhaps, it's time to open our eyes a little more to comprehend that an aircon gets repaired by an able aircon repairman. Not by an able [insert race, nationality, education level here].

Expatriate - To give up residence in one's homeland.
Foreign - Located away from one's native country.
Talent - Natural endowment or ability of a superior quality.
Worker - One who works at a particular occupation or activity.

Definitions courtesy: Dictionary.com

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Magical Pre-NATAS Sale

The NATAS travel fair is on from 29th Sept - 1st Oct. But, as a pre-cursor, we bring to you some quick weekend getaways at the same slashed prices. Firstu kanna Firstuuu!

Pre-NATAS Sale!

2D1N Batam View Resort

Only $88 per person based on Twin sharing

Return Ferry transfers

Return Land transfers

1 night stay in standard room

Welcome Drinks

Buffet breakfast

1 night stay at Turi Beach Resort

Only $110 per person in Villa based on twin sharing

Return ferry transfers

Return land transfers

Breakfast at Taming Sari Restaurant

Harris Resort Cabanas Specials

Only $98 per person in Single Cabana based on twin sharing

Return ferry transfers

Return land transfers

1 Night stay in Sea-view Cabana

Buffet breakfast

Complimentary wood-fired pan pizza

Complimentary 1 hour traditional massage

Early check-in, late check out (subject to availability)

What's stopping you?

Call 62969159 Now!



It was one of those days. You couldn't call it a bad day. You couldn't call it a good day. Yet when both type of events occur concurrently or alternately, they kinda cancel themselves out. So, what kinda day is it? It's a subjectless day. It cannot be defined with one single emotion. Thus, I is just going to list every goddamn thing that happened.

1. By sheer luck and talent, my mum's vegetarianism [Hindu..Tuesday..you know the drill] didn't mean she had to skip lunch. Though, she had better learn that most vegan stalls in the markets and coffee shops close shop after lunch or just before. Thankfully, I had the number to another of the stall owners who managed to capture the last plate of what-not for me. Nod nod. Filial son role complete.

2. There is one good thing with siblings stealing your stuff. Especially when you have a vain brother who wants to die-die-must-try your white Nikes. What does he do when he realizes the apparent WHITE shoes he wants, is quite BLACK. It's been that way for the past 6 months actually, I've never got around to cleaning it up. So, shoes gets stolen, gets cleaned thoroughly before it gets stolen, and I have a spanking sparkling pair of white sneakers to wear out.

3. The motorized ionizer thingamachit installed in the new green Gilette Mach 3s is crap. Only a cunt would buy the product cos of that. Or maybe cunts do get influenced by Beckham. The fuckin thing costs over $25 for god's sake. A shaver you know. A hand powered shaver costs more than 25 buckeroos. If not for the fact that mine got stolen [read bout it in earlier entries], and that this was the only one left in the 7-11, I'd have never got it. I is thinking, I is switching to my dad's old school razor blade ones.

4. Why is it that I can't ask anyone if there is a florist in the area without being interrogated on who I'm going out with currently? Can you not get flowers for weddings, funerals, congratulatory bouquets, wreaths, to smell, to do some artwork with, to simply know for general knowledge if there really IS a florist in the area?

5. My bus stalled today. The biggest bummer of all was that it was only 1 more stop to the stop I get down at. Though, one stop doesn't seem like much. It's one of those, 500 metres away and we didn't place another stop in between cos there wasn't any space to kinda consecutive stops. Not the first time my bus has stalled. But no, it had to stall when I was so friggin hungry I could have satisfied myself by tearing out the cushioned seats and devouring them, fibres and all. I've also gotten into a bus-accident before where a taxi slammed into the side of the bus I was in. Since it was a single-decker, we felt the full brunt of the impact and nearly toppled over sideways. The next suay thing is probably to get into an MRT accident. Oh wait, more suay than that is to let your MRT stall, and you're in the middle of some tunnel. Gone case.

6. I had a combo-lunch and a combo-dinner today. Lunch was mee goreng xtra chilli followed by 3 dollar chicken rice, roasted chicken, xtra black sauce, xtra chilli, add one tau pok and add one more bowl of rice. My dinner was 2 egg pratas drenched for a mandatory 15 mins while I watched some comedy re-runs, followed by economy mixed rice consisting of beancurd, rice, chicken curry, egg and kai lan. *Burp*

7. Everytime I'm left with exactly ten dollars in my pockets these days, I don't ponder what I can purchase with the cash. Instead, I think to myself, DON'T buy anything, this is tomorrow's finance for fags. Haiz.

8. Don't ever trust buses that have letters adjoined at the back. I.e. If you was to sit on a 74, don't action bedek go take a 74A or a 74B just cos you think they go the same way and stop the same place. IF they were to do that, they wouldn't be numbered differently would they? Fatal error today. I shall not repeat it. Damn those buses. Fark whatever bus company is holding the monopoly now. NNB. Every 2 days my EzLink Card goes to $0, you think fucking funny ah?

9. Why on some days the fuckin Straits Times fat like a bloated sperm whale and on certain days it's so thin even substituting it for toilet paper will not suffice for even one dump? Same with The New Paper. KNN. I pay 70 cents now compared to 50 when they first started out. And instead of more news, all I see is more massage parlours taking up ads. How hard is it to decipher the termed "Attached bathrooms", "Local/Foreign Sweet Girls with Excellent Service" to know what kinda establishment you're operating? KNN.

10. I am not sure why but my house coffeeshop has this penchant for hiring half-half assistants. First there was this guy who behaved like a girl. Now there's this lady who looks like a man. I'm very stressed. Especially when they are the ones delivering the drinks. The man I was cool with, he runs errands and buys 4D numbers for me when I not free. But, this woman. I is belching and retching and all things vomitary in nature. Please David [the owner] sack the biatch!


Animal Humour

I'm a wanting to own all the protagonists in the following 1 picture stories.


Marie France

Bringing you only the best ads from around the world. One to watch over and over again.

Poetic License

Apparently, I is Ottava Rima. I too had no idea what the fuck it was, so I read bout it HERE.

Ottava rima? Me? That can't be right!
Too frivolous? But tut, there's no such thing!
Let others ponder thoughts of wrong and right,
Or sit and think how much they love the spring;
I'd rather spend my time in gleeful spite,
Or maybe laugh, or maybe sit and sing.
Besides, it might be fun to be inspiring -
But surely it would get so very tiring.
What Poetry Form Are You?


Rani Rampage

22nd of September. Many many birthday babies. But happy birthday to just Rani and Gaya a.k.a. tamilmagani [the one place u need to go to for awesome piece by piece tamil movie reviews].

The Quad-ders headed off to Holland Village this time. I don't know if this was the run-up to my birthday but the number of times plans got changed, and people said they could make it then couldn't then could then couldn't was hilarious.

Still, all of us managed to make it. No absentees. Except for one late mofo who just "happened" to think it was "normal" to keep 4 people waiting while he trodded off to his hostel room after lab to not even just lay his bag down but took the time to even bathe. Nao hia.

When we met Sim at Buona Vista, we was quite interested to know WHY Buona Vista? As Rani aptly pointed out, there was a straight bus to Holland from Clementi. Yet, Sim met us, in sporty gym pants summore [she explained she MIGHT be going to the gym later]. I later realized why. We walked la, all the way. This Sim is going to be taken on a huge ass treadmill ride the next time I is catching her at a gym.

2 lasses and their butts.

Selven and his well-toned, but hairy butt.

Vik, the fervent fotographer.
Taking a shot even after getting pummelled to the ground by people who didn't like their butts fotographed.

Thai Express. Looked good. Tasted good. Service charge sucked to the core. We was apalled. What are they? Some uber-chic French cuisine joint? Nao hia. Give rice, give noodle, give curry give chair, give table, give service charge.

Rani was looking sweeeeet in red. Selven was attempting to divert attention from his East Coast fish-farm love story. Vik was checking out Sara. Sara was checking out the cook. And Sim took half and hour to decide what to eat. I was the only sane one. Sometimes I thank God for my existence, you guys should too.

We're sorry babe. That we didn't get one whole cake. But, my choice of Oreo Cheesecake was solid nah? So, she blew the candle, cut the cake and we all dug in. Note the "we" in the previous sentence.

The Cake.
Courtesy: Me

Attempting to want to blow the candle out....

Till the cake nearly blew up in her face.
Thank god for the fire extinguisher.
Note to all: Oreos are flammable

At least we gave her first bites.
Before we all tucked in. Yum!

Sara with her pretty smile. Me smudging the camera. :(

And we'd like our sincere thanks to go out to Vikram for totally doing a "top" job as a photographer. I mean, you should be in Haaliwood dei, what you doing studying Computer Science. Nao hia. NNBCCB. Every photo blur. My face also blur. Buay tahan. Take your 02 and throw la!