How they fucked us and made us monkeys

Last night I was clinking glasses with another one who had mighty insights into life. By mighty insights I mean, the ability to convert real life factual events and figures into analogies that can be understood by the layman. Something I have to resort to doing day in day out so that the severity or seriousness of mandatory tasks is impressed upon one and all.

And thus his story starts:

You wanna know in simple terms how Merill Lynch, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and all the clowns who got a federal bailout managed to fuck us and make a monkey out of us. Later after this I will tell you what I want to do after seeing how easy it is.

The first story is about this man, let's call him John. So, John got to know a model who wouldn't give him the time of the day let alone let him within a metre of her back zip. Now, John who really wanted to fuck abovementioned model (hamburger not included), said "Ok, follow me to Orchard Road where everything is as expensive as can be and I will buy you anything you desire". The model, as some of them are, was overjoyed and promptly hand in hand followed John down to the shopping belt.

They popped into this high end boutique where she was mesmerized by a tote bag. The price tag read $60,000. She raised her eyebrows, he nodded. Checking the bag out at the cashier, John was asked by the employee "Sir, cash or card?". John said "Let me write you a cheque for this $60,000.". She went "Sir, it is Saturday evening now, there is no way for me to verify with the bank if this cheque will clear. And if I let you have the bag and the cheque bounces, then my manager will bounce ME out of this joint and I'll be 60K poorer". So, John counters with "Ok, I tell you what. I write you the cheque. You bank it in on Monday to see if it clears and when it does you give me a call and I'll come down to pick up the bag. Is this good for everyone?". The cashier nodded and the model had been nodding since 15 mins ago so no issue with her.

On Monday, John receives a call from the cashier. It wasn't as friendly as the way she had received him in the store. "Eh, John ah! Your cheque bounce lei! I had this funny feeling about you and I was right! So how you going to pay for the bag this time? Card or cash?".

To which John replied "It's ok. You can keep the bag. I fucked her already."

Now, the second story. Once there were 2 white men who chanced upon a deserted island on their travels. This island was filled with monkeys running haywire. There were only some indigenous natives on said island and they were governed by the village chief. So, the 2 white men approached the village chief who was more interested in adding hash to his pipe than what they were talking about and gave him a proposal.

"Chief, we are very interested in purchasing the monkeys on your island because there is demand for them back in our homeland. Can you sell them?"

"How much do you want to buy one for?"

"We'll pay you 10 dollars a monkey."


After 30 seconds of pondering, because that was how long it took before the opium had to be refilled (the chief had big lungs), he agreed and sent out his men to capture every monkey they could find. In the end, there were 1000 monkeys and the white men duly paid him 10 bucks a monkey and left.

6 months later, one of the white men returns alone and seeks an audience with the chief.

"Chief, my partner and I are doing good business with the monkeys. But, now we need more. How many do you have?"

"White Man, I only have about 30 to 40 monkeys left."

"That isn't enough. I'll need at least hundreds to be profitable. Ok, I tell you what. I am not on very good terms with my partner anyway. Why don't I take some of the old monkeys from his stock and sell it to you for 40 bucks each. Then, later you can sell it back to him for 55 bucks and cut me 5 bucks commission per monkey. In this way, we both make money and I can rip him off too and split from this company. What say you?"

The chief pondered for another 30 seconds and agreed to his proposal. I mean, how could you not trust a man who wanted to make you money? So, the white man brought 500 monkeys and sold it off at 40 bucks a pop and promised to return with his partner in a week to buy the same monkeys back in an elaborate con job attempt.

The white man never returned. The chief gained a new title: "Chief Fucking Stupid Monkey".

Now can you comprehend what just happened to the US economy?

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