Exam Excellence

Sometimes sitting through the night at the newly christened "beach", an open terrace with benches at S3.2 garners much interesting gossip. And time and time again, with the open topic of exams comes the side dish of how to approach it. To be direct, I learnt my fair share of how to cheat, who cheats and what to cheat on and what you can just forget about even scribbling notes about since it won't help.

It is not a very hush hush secret that most undergraduates cheat. Bits of paper, scribblings on erasers and protactor covers and inner linings of pencil cases. No idea it was so prevalent. Perhaps I am naive in the ways of the "Dark Arts". God bless Severus Snape. He martyred Dumbledore though. On a side note, pre-order the next Harry Potter instalment through SingPost.

So, I was asked this question "You mean you've never cheated?!?!? No wonder la, you taking so long to get through school.". Ah, now it all makes sense. All that money wasted on photocopies and prints and staplers and clips and clear files and sticky thingies. Since I think I've enough information to last me a lifetime and yet won't put it to use because of some clearly unwarranted phobia, I think sharing this wealth is apt.

How to Cheat

1. Write formulae on your forearms and wear a long sleeved jacket into the paper. When in doubt, proceed to the toilet, scroll up and mentally photograph.

2. Write on bits of paper and invisibilize it within your calculator or pencil box. Retrieve with care during the paper. Cover with question paper and NOT answer booklet because it gets turned around more. If you fear this method, just be one of the first to get to your seat when the doors swing open and then hurriedly cut and paste from this bit to the back of your question paper. Technically, you haven't committed a crime yet.

3. Write on the portion of an eraser which is covered by it's cover. Use all 4 surfaces for maximum efficiency. Also, purchase an extra large eraser so you don't attempt to set the world record for minute handwriting and ease of sight during your exam.

4. Write on inner lining of your pencil case. Do up random words and lines to make it seem like you're one of those kinda psychos who get off by liquid papering Manchester United or Metallica to show you know how to spell the names of your favoured icons.

5. Write on bits of paper and put it in the pockets of your boxer shorts. Even if you suay-suay kena check and made to empty your pockets. No invigilator typically feels the need to check your boxers or briefs. Make sure paper type in use does not irritate your ass or provide much unneeded friction under your gonads.

And the winner is...

6. True story - Wear a snow cap, since winter fashion has long been the bane of university dressing. Strategically place an MP3 player with only 1 file in it playing on loop. Pre record this file with ALL the goddamn formulas in the world you might need. Plug it into your ears. Pull your snow cap over your ears. You the man.


Although everyone is on the bandwagon, do exercise precaution. No one likes a pretentious cheat or a disillusioned one who ends up spoiling the market.

1. When referring to folded bits of paper, usually full A4 sized ones in the cubicle, always flush before reaching for it. Sound of unfolding paper tends to resonate via ceramic tiled walls.

2. Have a nasty shit ready so no invigilator will be snooping around directly outside your door.

3. Time your visit to the toilet. Although you may not be using this person for your technique of information revelation, it may accidentally get you checked. If you are a minority, do NOT rise to go to the washroom just after another minority has returned from it. This has resulted in a full shake down of previously loved cubicle before. Observe the law of non-minority consecutivity.

4. Do not look shifty. If when you look around for the initial scoping of where the invigilators are standing, you catch one of their eyes, look extremely happy like you're on X or look extremely pained as in constipation. Do not scratch your head, look to God for answers or behave nonchalantly. This will inspire them to come to you.

5. Don't write more than you can cheat. The joy of finding out you are capable of being a full fledged uni cheat might compel you to write the entire syllabus down. Don't be daft. Like that might as well just carry in your binded notes with you right? Write only what is necessary. Don't go overboard.

Now, you have been educated. However, if like me, you still maintain stupid phobias and would rather not be shamed in front of 1500 of your peers in the 1 to a million chance of getting nabbed, just do the right thing: Help to catch a cheat. Do that, and you will be a hero and possibly need not write a single appeal letter for the rest of your stay in school.

Other worthwhile ventures are catching those bastards who don't put their pens down when the mike blares "Put your pens down". Start psychotically screaming and going at victim's throat with a sharpened 2B pencil. After connecting with jugular vein and relishing the fountain of haemoglobin that is erupting; collapse with the "What Have I Done" look plastered on your pasty face. This will earn you much brownie points as you are a person who cares about rules and regulations. You might even earn a call up into the ranks of the youth wing of the ruling party.


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