Tent Vs Kublai Khan

So, the girlfriend and me decided to get our meat fix at The Tent in Clarke Quay. Styled as a Mongolian BBQ Restaurant, we thought it would be mighty happening and a culinary experience. Very dissapointed with the event though. I shall explain.

If you are familiar with Seoul Garden-ish, eat what you choose to eat buffets, you will see that it is ultimately the same experience but you don't do the BBQ yourself. Just one round sans soup will set you back 22 bucks and unlimited soup, salad, meat servings will set you back 32 bucks. It also caters for vegetarians by offering a salad and veggie only BBQ option. You can get a glimpse of the menu on offer and a review HERE.

Run almost entirely by North Indians or look a likes and frequented mostly by white and Indian expatriates, there lay the problem with our dining experience.

I quote "Why is it that when these Yindians come to eat outside with their whole family, always something goes wrong? Why can't they eat like normal people, without a hitch, pay their bill and go?"

The motherfuckers who stare

I as a naive boy would of course just think it that people stare because they are smitten by good looks [the girlfriend's]. However, I think it just runs deep deep into Yindian DNA to stare at anyone who doesn't resemble their 65 year old mother who looks 80. Or their 40 yr old wife who looks 75. Or their sons or daughters who look like they would have graduated from MIT by age 6, soda bottle glasses and all. Perhaps, their glasses are actually the sub continent's take on the big ass Chanel ones that are flaunted in high wealth atmospheres.

So, these 3 Northies, couldn't tell if they were expats took the seat at the opposite corner to us. We sipping on some champagne, bucket of ice and all. They with icy stares. What is their issue, I don't know. Perhaps they were just curious as to why 2 Yindians in their mid twenties would be eating at a restaurant they felt was applicable only to their credit card limit. Or perhaps, they just wanted to know where she does her hair. Or perhaps they are just irritating pricks?

So, un-disguised [more out of ineptness than to be in your face] stares and shaking heads aside, one of these ladies actually decided to check it out for herself if HER vegetarian selection was indeed cooked in a staunch vegetarian fashion. Getting the manager to walk her through the entire cooking process and convinced that different stoves were used for non-veg and veg food, she sat down with an air of achievement. Now, seriously, if you are soo anal about how your food is cooked, then don't enter any establishment that smells of marinated BBQed meat you loser! Wouldn't you be right at home at Komala Vilas? Oh wait, Tekka isn't really a "dining experience" for you is it?

The People who should just stay home

Now, this be a rant only aimed at these losers who decided to occupy a table and a half next to us. See, if you are a group of 8, or gazillion, just tell the waiter at the door and they will seat you accordingly. Comprende? Don't walk in, choose your own table, split your group in half and then leave so little walking space you are going to intrude into MY personal space.

Did I mention, my champagne on ice was standing IN the walkway between the two tables? Of course, as any decent middle aged housewife would do, they would take care to ONLY use that particular walkway because the other one would entail brushing their over inflated butts onto their own food. It is indeed much more gratifying to them to see if they can go to and fro without smashing my bottle of booze. Fuck heads!

So, the family of 8 contains little children, oldies [the grandpop looked like Gemini Ganesan for his credit] and the "bill is on me" middle aged ones. Kids running around like they found water in a desert, crying cos their food is not at the table when they walk into the place and basically digging their own snot and ingesting it is not something I pay good money to view. Middle aged mum of course goes one better. I strongly feel that the way a kid cries, like the way a dog barks is very indicative of emotion. A cry that signals hunger and a cry that signals "I don't want to be here you mofo" is also quite distinctive.

This little piss ant of a girl starts bawling her stomach out and irritating the general peace. Her mum of course, looks at her and immediately assumes [I don't know why, could be a Yindian thing] that she is crying cos she is hungry. So, her response is, "Wait wait, it is not cooked yet. Just stand here and see how it's cooked!". The mum proceeds to do that since the cooking stove is see through glass panelled. Of course, the barely 3 feet in stature kid can't really by all laws of Newtonian physics manage to peek above the 4 foot wood panelling can she? Stupid dumbfuck!

The tale continues with one of the oldies, loading up her bowl with veggies and meat, as you should, and then instead of handing it to the chef to be BBQed the hell out of, she returns to her table to tuck in to her raw minced chicken. Without the alert waiter, because no one at her table would dare question the matriarch, she would have carried on with it. Stifling laughter, another commotion was brewing. Basically if you take up the all you can eat option, you are given a silver token which you place with the food you oughta cook and it gets returned to the table you are sitting at cos the number is on the token.

But of course, if you are THEM, a token is just a token and you would have no idea why they would want to introduce a silver metallic object into the equation. Confusion occurred with some prick using someone else's token. One that that prick didn't pay for. Waiter comes to clarify and middle aged bozo spends a good fifteen minutes explaining that he was not in the wrong and that he paid for the right amount of people.

Back to my question. Why the fuck can't these fuck heads just go out, eat, pay and go home? Is it really that hard? Must there always be an incident? A confusion? A commotion?

This rant is courtesy of many many years of coincidentally and unfortunately having to dine at the same places as Yindian expats.

Were you expecting a food review? My take is; to really experience a good buffet and see meat cooked in the old Mongol way and with less confusing sauces to add to your meat, proceed to Park Mall, Kublai Khan Mongolian BBQ Buffet. Beats The Tent hands down in every area. Especially since it is more a Jap tourist hot spot than an Yindian expatriate one.