Snippets from the 31st

My bedside is a mess. Ok, I just woke but it will still be a mess when I'm out of the house later at 11 and since I don't sleep on my own bed 4 times a week [no, this is not sexual innuendo dammit], the mess begets a mess.

Before I start, you is may spread the word now. That I truly am back. Spinning words from the loom, rhyming with the old a-a-b-b and basically abusing my keyboard all over again. The mouse is such a lazy tool. And oh, anyone who doesn't know what alt+tab or win key+d do can seriously stop talking to me. You are the cursed children of the technological age. The ones who just consume and never think about where it all comes from.

So, I see this mess of papers. The Straits Times of course, I can't really afford to keep the AWSJ, BT, NYT or any other high level publication of linguistic perfection on subscription. Hell, even keeping my SIM card on subscription is like scaling K2. Again, for ease of convenience, I have placed Wikipedia, dictionary.com and thesaurus.com on the right sidebar. As a matter of fact, running some of my pages through an automated program have actually revealed that I write at a level much much lower than most editions of the Tintin series. And we all know he had a very cute dog. Bet you don't know the name. This also means I am not one who is highly likely to get to the million dollar question in "Are you smarter than a 5th grader". What I could win is "Moment of Truth" because I never lie, just like that.

Some people do political commentary, some do entertainment commentary and some just review what they like to review and then try to make a big joke outa it. I just read the papers and tell you what my warped mind read between the lines. Because it's the least I owe myself after the 81 hours i slave away.

ST, July 31, Page 6


The doctor who examined the piss ant accusing Anwar Bum-war of sodomy was apparently NOT qualified to do so. I would understand why this would be a big problem. I mean, if I was pissing through my anus because my carrot cake uncle figured snot was a good addition to the massive tons of lard he already pours in, I couldn't possibly get a fair assessment from my GP. I should visit a proctologist.

And my proctologist [man skilled in the art of examining your anus and all the way up to the start of your rectum, more useful for the detection of cancer though] would have peered up my nether region and said, "Hmmm.. you do not look like you've been sodomized. I think you have diarrhoea relating to food poisoning. Here are some apples so the worms come out to feed. Have 2 a day and call me when you're close to death."

My proctologist would have used a proctoscope to possibly do an anoscopy in the case of the famous-by-posterior Saiful Azlan. And he would have peered and sniffed and poked his KY-ed finger in and decided: 'P/R (Per rectal examination): No active bleeding, no ulcer or pus seen, no injury shown, no tear seen.' Which is exactly what the attending doctor, Dr Mohamed Osman did.

So, now you know. What you see and what you can sign off for or endorse are not one and the same. The next time you need to check on a sodomy [if you end up being the Chief of Police or Home Minister one day], be sure also to see if the interior sphincter is broken or badly abused. A sure sign of forced sodomy.

ST, July 31, Page H3


On this piece of splendid journalism [ok, I was clearly at a loss of what to do when the commercials came on in the middle of Dirty Sexy Money], only 1 key paragraph really jumped at me. Although, somehow reading the piece again indicated that actually it probably was placed there as a last resort cos the flow didn't seem to gel.

He (Low) also said he was disappointed with the way the Government had moved to tear down nine blocks of flats in Hougang. He stressed he was not against development but was dismayed the residents would be moving to different parts of the island.
Are you even reading what I'm seeing here? Regardless that it is taken out of context? A blatant removal of a dissident population is what it is. Moved to regions where the supportive majority overpowers their vote and voice and may (not) over time subtly influence their sub conscience to root for the incumbents.

So, we [speaking in the first person here] tried and tried to move the vote. To conquer the land where political rallies are held more in Teochew and Hokkien than in English or any other national language. We couldn't. So now we just shift them out. Simple ain't it. I wonder which Harvard born and bred magna cum laude graduate thought this one up. He thoroughly deserves his Performance Bonus. Hoo-Hah!

Is it also a wonder that these 9 blocks ensconce a wet market place that is the focal point for all WP walkabouts, like minded residents and basic communal 'gotong royong' spirit?

ST, July 31, Page H8-9


This one was one of those razzmatazz notices you simply flip fast through unless it really concerns your physical well being. Most of the time the notices we flip off are those announcing apologies, shareholders' issues and basic government bureaucratic processess.

Well it would be something really non significant if it wasn't the start of the Chinese 7th Month that week. The hungry ghouls, the getai [yeah baby!], the auctions, the ashes, the big burn ups, the non participants with their marshmallows on satay sticks at the big bonfires. You know the deal.

So here you go, 2000 odd graves being exhumed, some to be properly incinerated and ashes kept in urns [if anyone claims them after this advertisement] and the unclaimed ones will be kept by LTA for 3 years till they are washed out at sea [how kind]. My fear was this: Weren't we all raised since young, from the Boogie Man under your beds [for those whose parents went to Harvard] and "Karang Guni gonna catch you!"[for those whose parents went to a government primary school learning English and Malay and apparently anti-rag-and-bone-men] and of course the bigoted "Bang-Kar-Li gonna take you go!" [for those whose parents could only muster 3 syllables]; that NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DISTURBS A GRAVE! NOT DURING THE 7TH MONTH ESPECIALLY!

Am I the only one who watched all those old school chinese ghost flicks, where the dude who disturbs the grave of a spirit who ALREADY is pre disposed to roaming the plains, dies a horrible death? And now, we're releasing 2000 over spirits to go out, feast, drink, gamble, partake in some old school opera and then come back to find they got no place to rest their head? Disaster in the making. I'd be mighty pissed if I came home after a drunken soirée and my mum had donated my bed to a nomadic cousin.

I'm just hoping all those incense and hell money I have slaved over the fire for year by year is gonna help out when someone [the 'thing' was once a person] walks up to me and goes "Boo". I think I shall say "Tweese!" and see what comes out of it all. Whoever said ghosts didn't have a sense of humour?


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