Toilets and Inventions

Toilets. Handicapped toilets and why XiaXue didnt see the point of not using one is not the topic however. Let's look at toilet inventions for a change.

First things first, you ever been the first person to use a newly changed toilet roll? You know that terribly huge great ball of roll just sitting there and u're spinning it and spinning it to find the end so you can start on it? Remember how you used to turn and turn and turn [endlessly] and then thought sheesh maybe you're turning it the wrong way and then turn the fuckin wheel for aeons in reverse. And who the fuck came up with the smart idea to glue down the first flap anyway? Does it hurt in any manner to just let it be free?

Ok, assuming you've now already got started on the roll. Remember how rolls used to be when we were younger, thick mofo sheets that felt good on the bum? Now, toilet rolls aint even 4 ply or 2 ply I can't even ascertain if they're 1 ply. And you pull to get a moderate amt of roll and after like the first 3 sections the roll kinda just disconnects? And then now u're wondering what the hell shall i do with this, wipe my nose and throw it in the bowl or go for a second attempt, or combine 2 attempts.

Who the hell puts 1 ply toilet paper into such a huge roll that makes it virtually impossible for the laws of Physics i.e. Newton's Laws of Motion [pun intended] to fulfill. The forward force has to overcome the friction of the turning wheel and the component of the vertical weight of the roll. Goddammit!
Now, you're done with your dump. Or so you think. Recognize now how most toilet bowls come with auto flush? The type that flush even when you're still halfway through? And don't gimme that bullshit that you don't jump in fright whenever it happens. I do. I'm like what the fuck, which cobra is coming up the sewer and roaring to bite me in the arse, which is the most tender spot in a human body for your information. And, as if its not enuf that it flushes indiscriminately, ever woke up after you're done and wiped your arse and it DOESN'T flush?

Now, you stand there thinking. Should I just run the risk of leaving the cubicle, but what if the shit stays there as a warning to other users? Or should I just sit back down and simulate a shit so the damn sensor will pick up on it and flush? Another dilemma to solve, fuck la i got no time man!

Ok, again assuming you're done with that stressful situation, now come the taps yeah. Please DO wash your hands after anything you do in the toilet, if not for cleanliness at least to keep up appearances yeah?

Now, these friggin taps also sometimes got those sensors that decide how much water you need and for how long you need it. And if you got fooled the first time, the fuckin bastard sensor taunts you and doesnt let the water out the second time around. And when you are wary of that old wily mofo by now, that's when less water comes out for less time. This happens until you physically walk away from the sink and simulate yourself as a NEW user of that tap, that's when the microchip relents and gets you back to square one and by now you don't trust machines, like Will Smith in I,Robot, and you rush your goddamn time into getting all the water you can get to wash your hands, wipe your face and do your hair.

Why? Why these inventions. The reason was simple. Toilets harbour the highest number of harmful bacteria of any other venue [this is the common misconception, studies have shown that a typical office desk has tons more bacteria than a typical toilet]. So, smart ass scientists or what not decided that no one should touch anything and everything could be automated cos you'd never know if the previous guy who pressed the flush had some kinda skin disease that's communicable.

Well, good job guys. Great inventions in the name of hygiene and cleanliness. So, Mr. XXX now has total confidence in shitting and peeing in his public toilet cos it is soo hygenic, and then what does he do after drying his hands? HE walks and handles bare-handed, that FILTHY toilet door handle of course!

Why am I not surprised? The ironies of technology...


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