27.8.06

Self-Inspired

I am inspired. I've stayed home for another Saturday night. Mostly, because I overslept and failed to attend a birthday dinner. That resulted in me giving up on attending a birthday pubbing session too. And thank god I didn't turn up.

But firstly, I am on this self-realization tour. The questions I ask are no more "Why is this happening to me?" but "Why am I letting this happen?". Truth be told, I should have learnt to ask the proper question way back, however, I let it happen. Let myself be fooled by attributing events to chance and coincidence.

One thing I need to STOP letting happen is drunk-dialling. Yes, I am guilty of drunk dialling. Very. I do it all the time. Nothing stops me. Not even cut outgoing. I will find a way. Use someone else's phone or use the landlines. I have no idea why I do it. I just feel this insane need to talk to someone I know, when I'm at that kinda level of alcohol abuse and beyond.

The usual victims are ex-girlfriends, those I still talk to. Yes, even direct trunk calls to the USA is not beyond me. Next, if I don't intend to call exes would be the women currently playing a role in my life. And don't get me wrong, I don't call to pick a fight, or bring up some old grouse as you would expect drunk fucks to spew. I just want to talk. Have a voice I'm familiar with on the other end of the line. Till I think it's time to sleep. Or till the cold cab ride ends.

Thus, I now know, this must stop. At the very least, it is fuckin embarassing. Drunks have this leeway when it comes to embarassment, but even that, I don't wish to have. So, I sincerely apologize to everyone who reads me and I've drunk dialled over the time I've known you guys. I'm sorry, truly. As RT puts it, "I've learnt not to pick up your calls when it's not your regular calling times". How true, how true.

Friday was a day like no other. I thought it was going to go badly. Fortunately it didn't. I prayed like a feverish pious son of a priest before heading out. It's a bit weird I know, seeing holy ash on my forehead. But heck it, I wanted to head out, had a bad feeling, but yet insisted on heading out.

It was only AFTER I reached the place that I realized it was one of my close brother's birthday when it strikes 12. So, alcohol was the order of the day. He was full of complaints though. Complaining that its his birthday and he forks out all the dough, no one shared with him. I didn't have much to say for or against him cos I'm as broke as the next motherfucker anyhow.

Met coupla old secondary school seniors. Some in school, some embarking on a new job. Updated them on my happenings. They finally GOT it that I don't really keep in touch with boys from the old school cos I just don't think they're good enough. Exchanged gossip, parted ways cos I felt I had a long night going on and they wanted to get back home. It was funny watching an ex-nerd puffing on Marlboro Menthols and studying medicine. I mean what irony. So, I did the right thing and bummed some cigarettes off him.

I left for another club expecting to see a group who should be there and they were. Which was when I got the shocker of the night. That someone I know very well and is related to me, is awaiting his sentencing on Thursday. So, he'll be spending his Teacher's Day behind bars to make the start of a new month. This will be his second time. And I was quite sad that it's happening. But, it's true you know, no matter how much money you make, where you work, how you dress, who you fuck, old habits will always die hard.

So, since he can't be celebrating his birthday out with the rest. They pushed forward his birthday celebs by a month and ran it on that day. It was fuckin weird, people wishing this bloke happy birthday, some in the know some just oblivious. And he still wanted to get to work the next day. Workin, workin even till the eve of the court date. It's all about the Benjamins.

We only ended at 12pm. I've no idea why we ended up at Telok Blangah, but we did. And someone got the brunt of my midday wrath too. No matter what the fuck goes through your mind, never never hit the tongue of my cap. It's not about the cap, it's about the pushing and re-positioning of my spectacles. Ask any speccy, no one likes our specs touched or moved without our prior understanding and approval. My greatest fear is to go blind. I can never imagine a life without sight.

So, I overslept right. All the way to 11 tonight. This is normal. I need my 12 hours. Actually, I don't know if I need it. My body just makes it happen. Tonight was pretty fucked in that everyone around me simply assumed I'm awake at 340 am and later at 430 am. I know its a Saturday. But don't just pick up the phone and call man, I could be busy with "something else" . Something I don't need to be disturbed by with the throes of "Nalla Sarakku".

I was thrust into the role of the middle man with one of these calls. And I hate it. See, I drink with anyone who likes to drink. Thus, I am a roving drinker. You like, I like, we drink. But the problem with the scene is that people identify you with certain groups and BELIEVE you're with them in all their activities too. So, this time around, some blokes hammered other blokes and it became "Shanker's brothers" did it. Oh, fuck!

And you try playing middleman through the phone with 2 egoistic bastards, both refusing to call the other one up cos it is not the "way" to do things, since they are the "bigger man". "You tell him ah....." and "You tell him that....". KNN, all I wanted to do was watch my Naruto and Bleach, read my Fortune and sleep. But noooooooooooo. I ended up having to defend my very safety within these phone convos. Luckily it has all bit the dust. I hope. Haiz. Why can't we all just get along?

On a more pleasant note, things are falling into place a bit. Structure and order and all. Now, to see if we can wring more than 24 hours out of each day. A wish, a wish.

Adieu!

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