My Boss

I have a boss. A good boss. I think he's cool, the rest call him "bulldog". He's one of the hated ones in camp and no one really makes it secret. But he's cool with it, cos he hates every motherfucker on sight too. He looks pissed, mosta the time. Cept at the mess with a beer in hand. Or laughing at some one else's crude joke. Yeah, thats him. The beer and titties person. I like my boss.

So, its fucking unfair that when I am working at a dream office with a dream boss that we have stuck with us another aging, slow poke, underling. Colleague in question has been quite long in the service, but it is also quite obvious that he has "missed the boat", "missed the promotion" and is gonna "henta kaki"[marching in a standstill manner]. I used to pity his state, and felt my boss fucked him more than he ought to. But 3 days into working full time with him, and I can feel the man's pain. My boss's that is.

Now picture this, a meeting takes place in February. But the minutes of the meeting is done and sent out only in May! Work given now, is only started on next week, due to the fuckin ineffectiveness, ineptitude and hare-brainess of said individual. He's the guy who in a fire, doesn't run for his life, but chooses to email the head office saying there are not enough fire extinguishers at the office. Tell me la, what to do with this kinda peeper all? I'm 24, he's 40. I outrank him. I can fuck him. I can put him in his place in place of my boss. I can I can I can. Yet, I shouldn't. Why? Cos, he dutifully sends me to work and fetches me back since he is my neighbour.

My only payment for this service is listening to his long winded bitching and his wayward thinking about his delusional life in which he is right and my boss is wrong. I feel so two-timing. Nod head here. Nod head there. Grit my teeth and wait for my turn to use the computer so I can clear work from January. Basically, that's about what I do each day. Not focussing on MY work, but clearing HIS work. The backlog is from here to the moon! And if I don't clear it. Everyone's work don't move. My boss can't be seen clearing it, though he gets soo exasperated that he just does it on the sly sometimes. In constant irritation la.

Thank god, Edison is back from HK. At least, I have company for lunch, smoke breaks, bitching sessions, after work beers now. Not to mention the occasional 'tuang' [to malinger] portions. Where we both just go missing. A la X files missing. And return mysteriously from our "alien abduction" going "Aiya..you lookin for us don't know how to call handphone meh? We just [insert number] floor talking to that that [insert rank greater than individual questioning us] ma.... so stress for what?"

But, now for the flowchart. Or the P-chart, name coined for a variety of Indian vulgarities and the initial of the man who influenced it. The "how-NOT-to-arrange-a-meeting" chart.


1. Choose date and time to hold meeting
2. Clear this date and time with the boss's schedule. Expect 3-4 more visits to Step 1.
3. Now that a full month has been wasted and meeting has been set to just 2 days to go, frantically e-mail all who are concerned to attend the goddamn thing.
4. When no one emails you back, pissed off about your late notification, call them and ask them to come.
5. When everyone still gives half-fuck excuses or tells you to go fly kite saying they already have something on, email from your boss's account. Or tell your boss to email them.
6. Day arrives, and only a "suitable replacement" from each unit arrives. The main men know better than to waste their time.
7. Don't book the conference room ahead of time. Attempt to sneak in when no one is expecting you, or better still just wait outside and ride off the last meeting so you can say you're actually "part of them" but they left first.
8. When you get chased out, call up favours from everywhere else and secure THEIR conference room. Move your folks there.
9. Instead of rushing to be the first at the new location so as to set up the slides and projector, fixate your attention on drawing a beautiful sign that says: The Meeting has moved to so-and-so place. Leave your folks stranded at new location till you arrive.
10. Arrive and realize there is no computer and now you gotta loan a laptop from someplace.
11. Realize that your files are no more in the network cos your fucking email capacity was full and the msg didnt get sent out anyway.
12. Take another 1 hour to sort out your nonsense while the rest fume and smoke and drink coffee and wait.
13. Start the meeting and don't do basic stuff, like take attendance.
14. When it comes to your turn when the chairman [my boss] goes "any questions", bring up a totally unrelated point which no one thought to think about cos it's well, unrelated.
15. Rouse their curiosity and await to get shot down. Get shot down by your own boss in front of 15 outsiders by this pristine statement, "Is it in black and white? No? You already unsure, still say you think you think, knnb you bring up this crap for what?"
16. Grumble beneath your breath to closest man [that would be me], on how long winded your boss is.
17. Wrap up the meeting, thank everyone like they just gave you a million dollars for attending and rush up to type the minutes cos it's still fresh in your mind lest you forget any facts.
18. Forget some important facts and bug me and the boss for the next few hours, making us digest our lunch in just 5 mins while replying to your hare-brained questions.
19. Type the minutes, and constantly modify the font, justification and paragraphing while accidentally deleting whole sections cos you just don't know a mouse needs to be "sayang"ed not brute-forced.
20. Finish the minutes, in 5 months. Endure a good shellacking everyday of those 5 months when people can't find anything else to fuck you up on.

Tada! My 20 point list. Steady boh? I tell you, lucky I patient fella. Back to my boss being great, I leave you with his 2 quotable quotes of this week. Ones that I just buay tahan, fuckin laugh till cry. Even though a coupla bigger guns were lookin on. They see my reaction, they also laugh. They laugh only the rest of the "we can appreciate jokes only when the big bosses appreciate them" people laugh. All laugh. Cos it's super fuckin funny.

Nombor Satu:

When some smart aleck science geek fella said of lightning risks: "Aiya, Sir, when out in the field no need to so zhun zhun give people lightning information ma. Just see the light, count how many seconds to the thunder than you know la, the storm how far away."

My boss replied offhandedly: "Ya ya, you can do that also. What I worry is that, that light he see becomes his last lightning. Then left who to count the seconds?"

Nombor Dua:

The P-man: "Don't worry sir, I rush it to you in a while/I work on it in 5 minutes time/I will finish it by the time we leave/First thing in the morning I show you."

My boss: "Eh, you ah, type type also use 2 finger like praying mantis. Like this how to fight war? Hor shanker hor? [thump hands on table] Like this how to fight war??!?!!?!?!?"


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