Jesus Talks

Selven has unearthed another gem. He has a knack for finding quality stuff. Now, read:

Jesus: I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

Jesus, chief spokesman for Christianity and poster boy for integrity, is categorically denying accusations that he had improper relations with Mary Magdalene.

With the release of The Da Vinci Code and exposés by muckraking journalists like Elaine Pagels, rumors have been spreading through the locker rooms of divinity schools and the restrooms of bus depots around the world.

The scandal started brewing last year, when another prominent New Testament woman, Martha, brought a lawsuit for sexual harassment against Jesus. The suit was quickly dismissed for lack of evidence, however, with key documents reportedly bursting into flames for no explicable reason before they could be presented in court.

Also, a number of witnesses who originally aided the prosecution changed their testimonies. Allegations that these people have been upgraded from the fires of hell to comfortable appartments in heaven have been denied by the heavenly bureaucracy.

While Jesus' indiscretions have long been tabloid fodder, Mary Magdalene's confession on Oprah last Tuesday that she had been intimate with Jesus on multiple occasions caused an uproar. "He was very alluring, both physically and spiritually," she said. "I was drawn to him, and I can tell you, once you've had the son of God you don't want to go back to any old mortal."

According to Mary, she still receives occasional sexy text messages from the son of God. However, she told Oprah that the physical element of the relationship was over. "He ended it. He had a lot on his mind before the whole resurrection thing, and frankly, I was a distraction. I was disappointed, but I've moved on during the last two thousand years."

But the Archangel Gabriel, speaking for Jesus, maintains that Mary "Maggy" Magdalene was nothing more than Jesus' travel agent and press secretary.

"It seems simple now, but back then it took a lot of planning to get from Galilee to Jerusalem. You've got to make sure there's a fresh donkey for the next leg of the journey, check that all the disciples have a spare pair of sandals, scout out convenient mounts along the way where Jesus can address the poor and meek, find an eatery that's not serving pork, get the meek to speak up ... it's a lot of work.

"So Maggy was an integral part of the team, no doubt about that. As someone with so many critical responsibilities, it's only natural that she would confer frequently with Jesus. But the relationship went no further than that - it was strictly professional.

"In fact, I hear she was actually sleeping with Thomas."

Thomas however has not made himself available for comment. He is reportedly holidaying in an undisclosed location outside the solar system.

As the Son of an influential - indeed omnipotent - Father, Jesus grew up expecting to receive everything he asked for. Critics claim that a culture of entitlement corrupted him.

"He had the attitude that he could get away with anything," says popular moralist and author Jay Plover.

"This guy goes around teaching 'love your neighbor' and 'turn the other cheek.' That sort of moral laxity is bound to lead to philandering."

Others, such as bus driver and Aramaic linguist Mary Jo Oliver, are more sympathetic.

"He didn't have a mother that we know of, then he's essentially orphaned and adopted by this Mary and Joseph couple as part of his Dad's grand plan for his life. Was he asked what he wanted? Plus he's working overtime, curing lepers, restoring sight to the blind, raising the dead, expelling demons, and turning water into mixed cocktails. On top of that, he's doing this whirlwind speaking tour where his audiences continuously miss the point of what he's saying."

"Finally, the guy was expected to live a perfect life, then die a horrible slow death at the hands of a bunch of Italians in skirts to save the world from sin. The dude was understandably stressed."

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